# I pit my neighbors with the rage of a thousand burning garages! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 11, 2006, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236 "2006-09-11T02:18:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/1 "2006-09-11T02:18:25Z")
Let me set the stage: I moved to Georgia. I met a girl. This girl and I like each other a great deal. She comes over, and we’re sharing a rather close, quiet, intimate moment with each other. I’m a gentleman, so I’ll just leave the situation at that. Furthermore, I just bought a house, and in preparation for her visit, hung a _lot_ of blinds in the windows—as one should for ‘normal living’—but just didn’t get time to hang all of them before she arrived. No big whoop, but at least the neighbors can’t watch us necking on the living room couch. Anyway, back to this moment: We’re enjoying each other’s company when we hear this _knock knock knock knock_ on the front door. Not expecting company, I’m slightly startled, but say to my girlfriend, “Aw heck, if we ignore it, they’ll just go away. . .” Yeah, they don’t take the hint. A few seconds pass, when we hear _KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK DING DONG KNOCK KNOCK POUND POUND KNOCK DING DONG_ on the front door. :dubious: A few more seconds later, I hear steps on my back deck and hear the same _KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK POUND POUND POUND POUND KNOCK POUND KNOCK KNOCK!_ :eek: Immediately, I glance over at the _one damned window_ in my master bedroom that doesn’t have a set of blinds in it. . . and realize that you can lean over the deck a little bit, and see right into my bedroom, right onto the damned bed. :eek: :smack: But what also flashes through my mind is that the garage may be as engulfed in flames as I am with her at this point. In the flash of an instant, I look at my girlfriend and say, “Sh\*t, this ain’t good. The damned house could be on fire. I’ll go check it out, stay here!” With the speed of Superman emerging from the phone booth, I throw on my clothes, and immediately run out onto my front porch. The first thing I look at is my truck, her car, and the garage—no smoke, no heat, no nothing: thus, no fire. Instantly, my panic turns to ire as there seems to be nothing wrong with my house, yet I was interrupted as if my new home were engulfed in flames. I look around, and see five people on my back deck: my two neighbors, and three new people. Now, my neighbors are pretty cool people. He’s a retired “Chief” from the Navy, who served as a bubblehead (sub driver). She’s a sweetheart wife, who stayed with him the whole time. Both of them are diehard Harley riders, and just great, lively people to have around in the neighborhood—I want to be that cool when I grow up—but just not that intrusive. Anyway, “Bud” sees me from the back deck and says, “Hey! I wanted to introduce you to some new neighbors!” Trying to think fast, I say, “Well hey, nice to meet you! Couldn’t you have waited for a guy to finish his number two first?!?” A couple of the ‘new folk’ wander over to exchange hands and greetings, when “Bud” says, “He was probably in there having sex!” I ignore his comment, and shake hands with one or two people I didn’t really catch the name of at the moment. I play things down as best I could over the next five minutes, and when I finally am able to draw ‘the enemy’s fire’ away from the back deck and open window to my bedroom, I meet them in the lawn between our houses, and politely mention that I ‘still gotta go to the bathroom’, and make my way back into the house. Basically, they interrupted us, just so I could “meet the neighbors”. :mad: :mad: Still fired up from the intimate moment, the panic of a house on fire, the ire of it just being neighbors, and a shitload of adrenaline in my veins, I install that set of blinds in the one window in less than five minutes. I’ve got one foot on the bed, one on the window sill, with four machine screws in my mouth, a Phillips screwdriver bit behind my ear, and my Black & Decker power drill is punching holes in the windowsill as fast as Lennox Lewis can throw a right hook into someone. The brackets are in, so I loose the drill bit and let it onto the floor. Within 30 seconds the blind’s brackets are in, and the housing is in the brackets. Another few seconds later, the blinds are down & closed, and I’m standing there with a power drill in one hand, a handheld screwdriver in the other, blinds in the window, and am covered in fear/hate/panic sweat and sawdust. And she swooned. I’ll kindly let the neighbors know that I’m a relatively quiet guy, and that they ought not hit the door like that unless the damned house actually _is_ on fire. And if the house is actually on fire, they can try to call and at least leave a message on the machine which I’ll hear if I’m home. It was nearly as bad as the time when my mother damn near walked in on me and my girlfriend back in high school. Since then, I’ve grown up and bought a power drill. Tripler Oh, what engineers do for love. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/2 "2006-09-11T03:23:38Z")
Ladies, let this be a lesson to you. If you have a “honey do” list that’s not getting taken care of, just make sure to set up the hot sex and put the chore between you and your man If he doesn’t dismantle the house in the process of getting to you, you’re coming out on top. ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/3 "2006-09-11T03:38:25Z")
[QUOTE=phouka] If he doesn’t dismantle the house in the process of getting to you, you’re coming out on top. [/QUOTE] So to speak… ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 4:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/4 "2006-09-11T04:00:30Z")
She swooned? Talk about being caught with your pants down. . . . ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 5:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/5 "2006-09-11T05:34:13Z")
[QUOTE=Tripler] . . . Another few seconds later, the blinds are down & closed, and I’m standing there with a **power drill in one hand** , a **handheld screwdriver in the other** , blinds in the window, **and am covered in . . . sweat and sawdust.** [/QUOTE] So, **Tripler** , how _you_ doin’! ---
**Author:** ![Pullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/6 "2006-09-11T05:50:01Z")
sweat and sawdust. mmm Where’d that new husband of mine get to? ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/7 "2006-09-11T05:55:41Z")
> [@](#): > > Another few seconds later, the blinds are down & closed, and I’m standing there with a power drill in one hand, a handheld screwdriver in the other, blinds in the window, and am covered in fear/hate/panic sweat and sawdust. Anyone else picturing Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold standing atop the rubble of a house in the classic _Star Wars_ parody pose? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/8 "2006-09-11T06:19:12Z")
> [@](#): > > Another few seconds later, the blinds are down & closed, and I’m standing there with a power drill in one hand, a handheld screwdriver in the other, blinds in the window, and am covered in fear/hate/panic sweat and sawdust. Y’know, I hope I die in my sleep at a ripe old age, but if I have to go out fighting, this is how I want it to be. ---
**Author:** ![Dog80](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6bbea6/32.png) [@Dog80](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dog80)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 9:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/9 "2006-09-11T09:23:06Z")
[QUOTE=Tripler] But what also flashes through my mind is that the garage may be as engulfed in flames as I am with her at this point. [/QUOTE] There’s a non-sequitur right there. Why someone knocking insistently on your door could mean that your house is in flames? Why a fire and not, say, Jehova’s witnesses who are desperate to meet their quota? ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 10:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/10 "2006-09-11T10:14:24Z")
[QUOTE=Dog80] There’s a non-sequitur right there. Why someone knocking insistently on your door could mean that your house is in flames? Why a fire and not, say, Jehova’s witnesses who are desperate to meet their quota? [/QUOTE] Nah, that’d have been equally as annoying, as I don’t expect **anyone** to beat on the front and **back** doors on my house for any reason other than imminent danger. If it were your example, he’d be pitting trespassing Jehovah’s Witnesses who actually went through his yard and onto his back deck to attempt to save his soul while he was being intimate with his girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![fisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@fisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fisha)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/11 "2006-09-11T15:06:55Z")
" I’m standing there with a power drill in one hand, a handheld screwdriver in the other, blinds in the window, and am covered in fear/hate/panic sweat and sawdust. " Married to a carpenter, 5 kids, sing it baby. I, on occasion, do quite a bit of carpentry, and there is something incredibly erotic to him with my bags around my waist, on hands and knees, gun in hand, installing base. We rarely work on the same jobsites for that specific reason, it gets problematic. ---
**Author:** ![Roonwit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/54ee81/32.png) [@Roonwit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roonwit)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/12 "2006-09-11T15:59:25Z")
[QUOTE=Tripler] Let me set the stage: I moved to Georgia.. [/QUOTE] Well, there ya go, son. Hell, they was just bein’ neighborly. That’s why God invented back doors. I don’t get all that pounding on the door, though. The proper thing to do is jiggle the doorknob, and if it opens, stick your head in and holler “Anybody home?” You ain’t from around here, are ya? 😃 Roon Who drives a toolbox with a pickup truck under it. ---
**Author:** ![Lionne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Lionne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lionne)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/13 "2006-09-11T18:51:34Z")
I swooned too. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/14 "2006-09-11T22:27:22Z")
Well, trust me y’all. . . Not being from around here, I figure anyone knocking on the door is cause for some minor excitement. Pounding the bajeezus out of it is cause for immediate attention. I thank them for their concern, but not for interrupting the precious time I have with the lady. :smack: I did see my neighbors “Bud” and his wife this afternoon. I kind of gave them a slight glare of, “Yeah, we were spending some time together. What the hell were you thinking?!?” Tripler Ladies, I must ask: would swoonage occured if I were sweaty and bloody? (Hockey) ---
**Author:** ![nonacetone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonacetone/32/2819_2.png) [@nonacetone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonacetone)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/15 "2006-09-11T22:34:07Z")
_Ladies, I must ask: would swoonage occured if I were sweaty and bloody? (Hockey)_ Yeah, especially if you were wearing the jersey AND the skates. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2006, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/16 "2006-09-11T23:15:49Z")
Too bad we don’t live in the dog world, where you would have peed on all the corners of your deck when you moved in and the scent would have kept them away. Then you could have barked at them. Hmmm, dogs…maybe you could get a dog to keep those pesky neighbors at bay? ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/17 "2006-09-12T02:23:20Z")
[QUOTE=Pullet] sweat and sawdust. mmm Where’d that new husband of mine get to? [/QUOTE] Dammitall. How come I managed to marry what seems like one of the few women in the Universe who doesn’t want her man anywhere _near_ her when he’s covered with sweat and sawdust?? Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/18 "2006-09-12T11:31:25Z")
[QUOTE=RTFirefly] Dammitall. How come I managed to marry what seems like one of the few women in the Universe who doesn’t want her man anywhere _near_ her when he’s covered with sweat and sawdust?? Sheesh. [/QUOTE] I am one of those women. I just don’t like the feel of dirty, sweaty skin (either on him, or on me!) However… Hop in the shower, get the worst of it off quickly, and we’ll see what can be done… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/19 "2006-09-12T12:46:52Z")
[QUOTE=Tripler] Ladies, I must ask: would swoonage occured if I were sweaty and bloody? [/QUOTE] I don’t swoon, but showerage might occur. Or cleaning slowly with a wet soft cloth. ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2006, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236/20 "2006-09-12T15:47:55Z")
[QUOTE=phouka] Ladies, let this be a lesson to you. If you have a “honey do” list that’s not getting taken care of, just make sure to set up the hot sex and put the chore between you and your man If he doesn’t dismantle the house in the process of getting to you, you’re coming out on top. [/QUOTE] Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Please advise how best to get lengthier jobs completed, specifically, trim work leftover from installing a pergo floor. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-my-neighbors-with-the-rage-of-a-thousand-burning-garages/372236.md?page=2)