# I pit people that just don't listen. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 18, 2013, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183 "2013-11-18T16:27:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/81 "2013-11-20T14:45:33Z")
First - could you give us some examples of the kind of things they’re not hearing/remembering? Second - There are a number of particular strategies you can use in these sorts of situations to improve the chances that someone will hear/retain information. Examples: - Make sure you have their FULL attention and make sure you get some sort of acknowledgement, ranging from a nod to having them repeat it back to you. I use this one on a kid that I know with ADD, my 11 year old son who (understandably) tunes me out sometimes, and my boss, who is often thinking about 17 things at once. - Follow a verbal conversation with email confirmation. I use that with an annoying guy at work who tends to respond to emails with phone calls and then claims he didn’t know something I told him. My ex uses this one on me after we discuss matters regarding changes in the custody schedule, though that’s mostly to make sure we’re on the same page. (This could be dicey with your parents, but re-forwarding the same email can be satisfying) I’m sure people who work with folks who have diagnosed attentional difficulties can weigh in. I hope you all (as in everybody reading this) cut people some slack in certain situations. I just got a temp at work, and I told her to feel free to ask me about things as many times as she needs to because a lot of things around here are really arcane and/or confusing. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/82 "2013-11-20T14:55:09Z")
> [@](#): > > It was a meeting for my rugby team and we still weren’t sure if we were going to run drills and/or grab drinks after. And your response to him was, “I’m not sure”. Maybe he was trying to understand why. You explained it to me but to him you gave the three word vague response. > [@](#): > > Ever hear of laundromats? I live in Boston, they’re everywhere. And I couldn’t bring laundry to them because they live all the way up in Maine. > > Even if he was trying to say those things, he should try actually saying them instead of showing that he’s not listening by asking those dumbass questions. Yes, I’ve heard of laundromats. Ever hear the phrase, “Stick a cactus up your ass?” Maybe dad just wanted you to consider that laundry facilities in your building would be a strong selling point for the apartment. He wanted to make sure that you realized that you’d be trudging your laundry to another location if you didn’t have that service close by. From your two examples it not only seems like he’s listening but he’s actively trying to communicate beyond your flippant minimalist answers. Actually, it sounds like your dad has a dick for a son. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/83 "2013-11-20T14:59:15Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > From your two examples it not only seems like he’s listening but he’s actively trying to communicate beyond your flippant minimalist answers. > > Actually, it sounds like your dad has a dick for a son. From the two examples, it sounds like the dad is at best a horrifically poor communicator. Communication isn’t “say one thing and assume the listener will be able to translate it into what you _actually_ mean.” Sure, some people can do that, and a lot of polite communication requires this sort of double-meaning game, but direct communication has to be a part of the strategy, too. Even if you’re right that dad is really trying to communicate, he’s not listening, because he doesn’t see that his messages are failing to reach home. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/84 "2013-11-20T16:44:02Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > - Follow a verbal conversation with email confirmation. I use that with an annoying guy at work who tends to respond to emails with phone calls and then claims he didn’t know something I told him. How timely! The annoying guy just did this! And I did respond with email confirmation. Good thing gets cc’d on all info requests to this guy. (Oh, and after our conversation, annoying guy complained to my boss about “my tone.” My boss has had plenty of run-ins with the guy himself, so he just told me to fake being sweet when I deal with him.) ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/85 "2013-11-20T17:52:21Z")
> [@Macca26](#): > > I know what you mean, I hate repeating myself as well. I’ll do it two or even three times but the fourth time is it. If a person is so addle-brained that they can’t remember what I told them, it’s time to write it down. Of course, all the people I know who pull the repeated questions stunt refuse to write anything down. After all, “it’s so easy to just ask you again because you remember and you’re so fast”. Well maybe I would like to be treated as more important than functioning as a piece of notebook paper for you! I’m a human being with things to do, same as you! > > It really does come down to a respect issue. Unless I’m paid to, I don’t spend time with people who don’t respect me. My coworkers do this to me. I am not your fucking walking encyclopedia. Yes, I know the number to the help desk, and our tax ID number. Why don’t you write it down, you wankers? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/86 "2013-11-20T17:59:47Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Yes, I know the number to the help desk, and our tax ID number. Why don’t you write it down, you wankers? Alright, alright… simmer down… What are those numbers again? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/87 "2013-11-20T19:07:11Z")
> [@Jesse\_Pinkman](#): > > Oh dear god, I can’t stand that. > > Dad: “What time is the meeting over?” > Me: “I’m not sure.” > Dad: “8? 9?” This is the polite way of saying: “Why would you not determine how long you’re committing yourself fore BEFORE you commit to it?” > [@Jesse\_Pinkman](#): > > Dad: “Does the apartment you’re looking at have laundry in the building?” > Me: “I don’t know Dad, I’ll look into it.” > Dad: “Well, how are you going to clean your dirty clothes?” And THIS is the polite way of saying “Why would you put an apartment on your list of possible places before you know if there’s a laundry room in the building?” And both of them probably carry the unspoken addendum of “I thought I raised you to be smarter than that, boy!” Also, what **BubbaDog** said: > [@BubbaDog](#): > > Maybe dad just wanted you to consider that laundry facilities in your building would be a strong selling point for the apartment. He wanted to make sure that you realized that you’d be trudging your laundry to another location if you didn’t have that service close by. Boston? During the winter? How far are you going to need to go with thirty pounds of laundry? Twice? ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/88 "2013-11-20T19:32:15Z")
Just in case your dad is as clueless as the people in this thread who think your dad is just being polite, try saying “I’m sure you’re just trying to criticize me obliquely but politely, as people do in healthy family relationships, but to me it sounds like you’re not listening. Could you please express your criticisms more directly so that I may benefit from them?” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/89 "2013-11-20T19:37:50Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > \ > > - Make sure you have their FULL attention and make sure you get some sort of acknowledgement, ranging from a nod to having them repeat it back to you. \ My husband and I have an arrangement like this - it’s called “The Grunt of Acknowledgement” - I have a very quiet voice, and I get very tired of repeating everything I say - I get a grunt if he has heard what I said so I don’t have to repeat myself. > [@](#): > > I hope you all (as in everybody reading this) cut people some slack in certain situations. I just got a temp at work, and I told her to feel free to ask me about things as many times as she needs to because a lot of things around here are really arcane and/or confusing. This is one of the reasons I’m a good temp - I go everywhere with paper and pen in hand so I can write everything down (even when supervisors are trying to sling 15 things at me at once - “Hold on a second, let me write this down.”). 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/90 "2013-11-20T19:41:54Z")
Also, you guys have raised another method of dealing with the non-listening; after repeating yourself once or twice, you could say something like, “We seem to be talking past each other here. What exactly are you trying to find out from me?” ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/91 "2013-11-20T19:46:20Z")
If you answer “I don’t know” to a lot of questions, you’re either a complete moron who can’t be bothered to think about the future, or way too passive-aggressive and using it as an excuse not to provide proper answers. I’d be asking similar followup questions too, just to be sure that there is some actual thought in your head about the issue. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/92 "2013-11-20T21:23:53Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > This is one of the reasons I’m a good temp - I go everywhere with paper and pen in hand so I can write everything down (even when supervisors are trying to sling 15 things at me at once - “Hold on a second, let me write this down.”). 🙂 The temp is a good temp too. 🙂 The jargon around here would sometimes confuse a temp who had her own court stenographer. I’d be annoyed if she asked me everything multiple times, but some things, no problem at all. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2013, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/93 "2013-11-21T00:03:53Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Pinkman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@Jesse\_Pinkman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Pinkman)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2013, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/94 "2013-11-21T20:34:02Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > If you answer “I don’t know” to a lot of questions, you’re either a complete moron who can’t be bothered to think about the future, or way too passive-aggressive and using it as an excuse not to provide proper answers. I’d be asking similar followup questions too, just to be sure that there is some actual thought in your head about the issue. I don’t answer “I don’t know” to a lot of questions. My dad just can’t accept that sometimes people don’t have the answers to certain questions. My mom gets annoyed when he does this as well. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2013, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/95 "2013-11-21T20:43:32Z")
Well, I am an admitted Asshole, but my responses then range back to; “What part of ‘I don’t know’ didn’t cover that for you?” “Is there a point where you’re going to ‘get’ that I don’t know?” “I’m pretty sure asking more questions isn’t going to make me suddenly know the answer to your first question.” And ultimately; “You know what? You’re just pissing me off now. You can stop asking questions. I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. OK? Deal with it and shut up already.” ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2013, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/96 "2013-11-21T21:24:19Z")
Sometimes you say “I don’t know” because simply, it is not relevant and none of their business (on top of the fact that you don’t know). No, I don’t know when the meeting is over because it doesn’t matter - regardless of whether it takes 3 or 6 hours I planned for that already. Why do you need to know, anyway? I’ve noticed a lot of parents with stay at home grown children want to know far more about the grown child’s activities than they would normally be privy to. Assuming that the grown child has their ducks in a row and won’t be staying too long, no, they don’t need to tell you what they’re doing tonight, where they’re going, who they’re doing it with, and when they plan to be home. They’re not 16 anymore fer chrissakes. Anyway I fully believe it’s Jesse’s dad that’s a shitty communicator, and that yes, it is probably a respect issue too. As much as they might have said “you’re such a smart kid” that might caused them to expect you to be a little adult from age 6, then were continually disappointed that your young brain wasn’t actually as smart as their adult ones. Now they’re so used to the idea that you’re not as smart as them (when really that was just your brain developing) that even when you’re doing everything “right”, they assume you aren’t. Which results in a lot of this lack of respect and second-guessing everything sort of stuff. I mean, as long as they aren’t diagnosed with a mental disability, listening is a form of respect. Not listening shows a lack of respect. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2013, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/97 "2013-11-21T21:35:54Z")
I’m sorry, what? ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Pinkman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a183cd/32.png) [@Jesse\_Pinkman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Pinkman)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2013, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/98 "2013-11-21T23:19:27Z")
> [@Macca26](#): > > Sometimes you say “I don’t know” because simply, it is not relevant and none of their business (on top of the fact that you don’t know). No, I don’t know when the meeting is over because it doesn’t matter - regardless of whether it takes 3 or 6 hours I planned for that already. Why do you need to know, anyway? > > I’ve noticed a lot of parents with stay at home grown children want to know far more about the grown child’s activities than they would normally be privy to. Assuming that the grown child has their ducks in a row and won’t be staying too long, no, they don’t need to tell you what they’re doing tonight, where they’re going, who they’re doing it with, and when they plan to be home. They’re not 16 anymore fer chrissakes. > > Anyway I fully believe it’s Jesse’s dad that’s a shitty communicator, and that yes, it is probably a respect issue too. As much as they might have said “you’re such a smart kid” that might caused them to expect you to be a little adult from age 6, then were continually disappointed that your young brain wasn’t actually as smart as their adult ones. Now they’re so used to the idea that you’re not as smart as them (when really that was just your brain developing) that even when you’re doing everything “right”, they assume you aren’t. Which results in a lot of this lack of respect and second-guessing everything sort of stuff. > > I mean, as long as they aren’t diagnosed with a mental disability, listening is a form of respect. Not listening shows a lack of respect. That theory would also explain my father’s complete inability to let me do anything around the house on my own. Whenever I have to fix the doorknob that fell off again, he has to hover over me and supervise what I’m doing, even though I’ve fixed it countless times and clearly know how to use a fucking screwdriver at age 26. Whenever I’m cleaning something, he’ll do the same thing. I once blew up at him supervising me cleaning the kitchen. I worked as a dishwasher for two years in high school, and part of my responsibilities were cleaning the entire back kitchen until it was spotless. No one there ever had any complaints about the job I did, but he would just have to be there watching me like I’m going to screw this minor chore up. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2013, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/99 "2013-11-22T04:22:40Z")
> [@Jesse\_Pinkman](#): > > TWhenever I have to fix the doorknob that fell off again, he has to hover over me and supervise what I’m doing, even though I’ve fixed it countless times and clearly know how to use a fucking screwdriver at age 26. Then why do you have to keep fixing it? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Nobody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@Mr\_Nobody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Nobody)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2013, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183/100 "2013-11-22T04:34:28Z")
> [@Jesse\_Pinkman](#): > > Also will people make Breaking Bad jokes every time I post now? Guess I brought on myself, bitch. Yes, you can be certain of that. I spent the last 5 mins trying to think of one, but I’m late to the party and all the good ones were used already. You might want to just change your username now. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-people-that-just-dont-listen/674183.md?page=6)