# I pit that bitch Michele
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [November 13, 2004, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602 "2004-11-13T21:40:40Z")
**Posts on this page:** 19
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)
#### Post date: [November 13, 2004, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/1 "2004-11-13T21:40:40Z")
You smug little prissy bitch. There you sit across from me every game. Just as I am about to shoot the moon you grab a heart. When I’m not shooting you dump the Queen of Spades on me. I hate you!! Ben and Pauline are much nicer, they play fair!
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### Author:  [@Chimpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimpy)
#### Post date: [November 13, 2004, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/2 "2004-11-13T21:50:30Z")
😕
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### Author:  [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)
#### Post date: [November 13, 2004, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/3 "2004-11-13T21:52:30Z")
Got into the Stoli early, I see.
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### Author:  [@Orbifold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orbifold)
#### Post date: [November 13, 2004, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/4 "2004-11-13T21:53:57Z")
> [@Chimpy](#):
>
> 😕
“Ben”, “Pauline”, and “Michele” are the default names of the three computer-controlled opponents in the “Hearts” program that comes with Windows.
I changed them to “Kirk”, “McCoy”, and “Spock”, myself.
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### Author:  [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)
#### Post date: [November 13, 2004, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/5 "2004-11-13T21:57:59Z")
[Hearts?](http://www.brainyencyclopedia.com/encyclopedia/h/he/hearts.html).
> [@](#):
>
> Scoring
> Taking a trick does not give a player any points unless there are point cards in the trick. Each heart counts for one point (for a total of 13 points), and the Queen of spades by itself counts for another 13 points. Thus 26 points are distributed among the players each hand. The goal is to avoid taking points, and the fewer point cards taken, the better. However, if a player takes all 26 points in the hand (known as shooting the moon), the reverse situation occurs; he or she subtracts 26 from their point total (a variation of this rule is to have the player who shoots the moon receive zero points and all the other players get 26–in either case, shooting the moon is a very positive outcome for a player).
>
> In some variants you can lose 52 points (or have all other players gain 52 points), by taking all tricks in the deal. This is called “shooting the sun”.
>
> The game is played until one or more players has passed a predetermined point threshold (usually 100 points). The player who holds the fewest points at the end of that hand is declared the winner.
> The appeal of Hearts
> The element of risk involved in shooting the moon is one of the appeals of the game, since a player may attempt to get all 26 points and fail by only getting 24 or 25, in which case the player is stuck with a large number of points. This element provides much of the appeal of the game, along with the cutthroat aspect associated with a player holding the queen of spades possibly having the option of dropping it on another player’s trick. Often the player who has the fewest points (and is thus leading) is the one people try to give the queen to; however, there is always the risk of giving it a player who then uses it as part of shooting the moon. Players must always be on the lookout for another player trying to shoot the moon, in the hopes that they can stop it. In addition, the element of passing cards allows players to attempt to control their destiny and influence that of their fellow players.
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### Author:  [@furt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furt)
#### Post date: [November 13, 2004, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/6 "2004-11-13T23:30:51Z")
> [@Orbifold](#):
>
> “Ben”, “Pauline”, and “Michele” are the default names of the three computer-controlled opponents in the “Hearts” program that comes with Windows.
>
> I changed them to “Kirk”, “McCoy”, and “Spock”, myself.
Asshole, Shithead and Motherfucker on mine.
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### Author:  [@moriah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moriah)
#### Post date: [November 13, 2004, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/7 "2004-11-13T23:36:24Z")
Just played MS Windows Hearts. And yes, Michele is a bitch. But I just beat that bitch 29 to 78 (Ben’s an idiot).
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### Author:  [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/8 "2004-11-14T00:44:57Z")
> [@moriah](#):
>
> Just played MS Windows Hearts. And yes, Michele is a bitch. But I just beat that bitch 29 to 78 (Ben’s an idiot).
Ben’s just laying low, he can be sneaky.
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### Author:  [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/9 "2004-11-14T06:22:08Z")
At first I thought “what a silly rant - this dude’s bitching about some chick he plays cards with? Who gets together for cards these days anyway?”
Then I saw all these posts about hearts and how everyone has cool witty names for their other players and know exactly what the OP is talking about.
And now I feel really uncool and left out ☹
Joke’s on me!
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### Author:  [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 9:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/10 "2004-11-14T09:32:49Z")
And it goes without saying that Sunday monkey won’t play piano song, play piano song.
I mean, it’s Sunday, and that damn monkey won’t even bang out Chopsticks.
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### Author:  [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/11 "2004-11-14T13:33:22Z")
Don’t you play the Queen of Diamonds, boy, 'cause she’ll beat you if she’s able.
You know the Queen of Spades was always your best bet!
::: flees :::
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### Author:  [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/12 "2004-11-14T14:32:36Z")
Queen of Spades,
I will always be
Queen of Spades…
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### Author:  [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/13 "2004-11-14T15:15:18Z")
The only one worse than Michele is my mom. I won’t play cards with her at all anymore.
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### Author:  [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/14 "2004-11-14T17:27:38Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#):
>
> At first I thought “what a silly rant - this dude’s bitching about some chick he plays cards with? Who gets together for cards these days anyway?”
>
> Then I saw all these posts about hearts and how everyone has cool witty names for their other players and know exactly what the OP is talking about.
>
> And now I feel really uncool and left out ☹
>
> Joke’s on me!
Trust me, no one is more uncool and left out than me.
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### Author:  [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/15 "2004-11-14T18:04:44Z")
I haven’t seen the Windows version of hearts in eons. Does it _still_ fail to accomodate the “cutthroat” rule whereby the Jack of Diamonds is worth -10?
Hearts without the Jack is boring.
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### Author:  [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2004, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/16 "2004-11-14T18:26:55Z")
> [@AHunter3](#):
>
> I haven’t seen the Windows version of hearts in eons. Does it _still_ fail to accomodate the “cutthroat” rule whereby the Jack of Diamonds is worth -10?
>
> Hearts without the Jack is boring.
I hate this rule. 😛
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### Author:  [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2004, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/17 "2004-11-15T05:27:13Z")
Well, he _is_ playing with the Queen of Hearts, knowing it ain’t really smart.
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### Author:  [@Ilsa\_Lund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ilsa_Lund)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2004, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/18 "2004-11-15T06:34:23Z")
> [@KCSuze](#):
>
> Well, he _is_ playing with the Queen of Hearts, knowing it ain’t really smart.
Well, the joker was the only fool.
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### Author:  [@moriah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moriah)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2004, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-that-bitch-michele/274602/19 "2004-11-15T22:27:40Z")
I’m the owner of a lonely heart.