# I Pit the Empire **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 5, 2010, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559 "2010-11-05T08:14:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/61 "2010-11-05T17:44:44Z")
> [@](#): > > We rebuilt Eastern Europe for free, out of the goodness of our hearts. How does this make you the superior, rather than the inferior, people? I’ve travelled in Eastern Europe. Your job of “rebuilding” was somewhat substandard. Funnily enough, my family in Ukraine doesn’t bear you much gratitude, despite the free seven year trip to Siberia. ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/62 "2010-11-05T17:45:49Z")
> [@SecretaryofEvil](#): > > Yes no country or society has ever been as EVIL and the United States of America. The Zulus were a peaceful people, who didn’t even have a word for kill in their language until the evil pink skinned invaders showed up. The Ottomans never kept slaves. And sure the Mongols killed millions, but out of the original 13 colonies, only Rhode Island matched the religious tolerance found in the Mongol Empire. So your basic argument is as follows: if anyone ever did it in the past, it is acceptable for the Empire to do it. That’s very nice. Tell me, does this mean that your’e going to start emulating the barbarity of the Spanish Inquisition now, because, you know, it happened in the past? What’s that? You already have medieval-type torture dungeons in Afghanistan and Cuba? Well, at lease you’re consistent in your savagery, I’ll give you that… ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/63 "2010-11-05T17:47:38Z")
By that standard, you have to shut your pie hole about slavery and the Indians. After all, that was in the past, right. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/64 "2010-11-05T17:49:02Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > You’re absolutely right; in order to be fair, I guess we must really look at the totality of the Empire’s accomplishments. So, let’s start adding to my list: > > Imperial Accomplishments: > > (1) One of the most effective genocides in the history of humanity, directed against its own aboriginal population. > (2) Bloody wars of aggression against its neighbors. > (3) The last bastion of Christian fundamentalism in the world. > (4) Witch hunts - 300 years after the rest of the world had grown the fuck up. > (5) Illegal and completely unjustified INVASION and ANNEXATION of Hawaii, which apparently committed the criminal offense of wanting to be free and independent. Go, you wonderful freedom lovers, you. > (6) “Opening” up of Japan at gunpoint, because it apparently committed the criminal offense of not wanting your worthless shit. So now you need to bully people into trading with you? Very nice; go capitalism. > (7) One of the last nations in the world to end slavery. Apparently, an issue that had been decided in the rest of the world hundreds of years earlier was so difficult for your feeble brains that you had to go to war and kill each other over it. > (8) And then you still kept the blacks in quasi-slavery until the 1950s. > (9) Sat back on your fat lazy asses and watched both WWI and WWII unfold, entering them only when you figured you wanted a piece of the bounty. > (10) Illegal imperial wars against Cuba, Panama, Vietnam, Korea, China, Afghanistan, Iraq, and pretty much everyone else in the world. > (11) I notice that you still don’t have universal health coverage, which I find to be a good indication of your civilization, or lack thereof. That’s weird. I don’t remember doing ANY of those things. It’s amazing the kinds of things you can sleep through when you’re really tired. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/65 "2010-11-05T17:54:49Z")
I’m afraid you have us at a disadvantage, **Commissar**. As an American, I can only wish we had the proud tradition of peace and human rights of the Soviet Union and China – it would be so much easier for us to point fingers at others if our histories were as blemishless as theirs. Alas. ☹ > [@I am a Communist.](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-a-communist/550964/70): > > … But I must reiterate that I am a Soviet by birth, upbringing, and loyalty. > [@I am a Communist.](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-a-communist/550964/63): > > It is my strong belief that the People’s Republic of China is not only the greatest nation in existence today, but also in the entire history of mankind. It is a powerful, highly centralized nation in which a single party proudly guides an immense populace into the future. It is a brilliant melding of Marxist-Leninist theory and private ingenuity. It is a glimmering beacon of hope and prosperity, an awe-inspiring trend-setter that will bravely shepherd all of humanity into a golden age of socialism. ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/66 "2010-11-05T17:55:27Z")
> [@Mr.Moto](#): > > By that standard, you have to shut your pie hole about slavery and the Indians. After all, that was in the past, right. How do you figure that, my silly little friend? At no point did I state that mankind should forget its own history. My point is simply that the rest of the world made mistakes in the past, then matured and became better; the Empire, on the other hand, kept wallowing in the cesspool of its own savagery. What is shameful history for the rest of humanity is today and tomorrow for you barbarians. ---
**Author:** ![Nars\_Glinley](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nars_glinley/32/8177_2.png) [@Nars\_Glinley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nars_Glinley)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/67 "2010-11-05T17:56:42Z")
> [@Mr.Moto](#): > > By that standard, you have to shut your pie hole about slavery and the Indians. After all, that was in the past, right. I plan on doing it next Thursday but those plans are subject to change. ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/68 "2010-11-05T18:00:05Z")
> [@asterion](#): > > except for that tell-tale c-h-a engraving. rofl :d ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/69 "2010-11-05T18:04:40Z")
I love this, We are being scolded by … the people who brought you the Gulag, Siberia, pogroms, Joe Stalin, blood purges, the extermination of the entire Romanoff family, Leninism, the invasions of Hungary and Czechoslovalia, and sided WITH Hitler until Hitler turned on them. Commisar, go fuck yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/70 "2010-11-05T18:08:20Z")
> [@Walmarticus](#): > > I wouldn’t cry as much as you weepy fucks do if we’d just found out separatists are building an army of Palin clones and we’ve just given Beck emergency powers that he promises to relinquish when the crises has abated. > [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Greater powers than two turntables and a microphone? Personally I was hoping this election was going to bring Mixed Bizness and make all the lesbians scream. I always hope for too much. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/71 "2010-11-05T18:09:00Z")
> [@](#): > > But I must reiterate that I am a Soviet by birth, upbringing, and loyalty. You are, literally, the only person I have ever heard claim this. Ukrainians always described themselves as Ukrainian, even during the Soviet era. Belorussians always described themselves as Belorussian. Russians always described themselves as Russian. Poles always described themselves as Poles, and so on. \* Nobody\* was a Soviet. The closest you’ve ever been to the Soviet Union was hearing a Yakov Smirnoff joke repeated on a discussion board. ---
**Author:** ![buckgully](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb9ed0/32.png) [@buckgully](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buckgully)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/72 "2010-11-05T18:09:32Z")
> [@asterion](#): > > Except for that tell-tale C-H-A engraving. I don’t speak your crazy moon language! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Understander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3da27b/32.png) [@The\_Understander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Understander)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/73 "2010-11-05T18:11:59Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > Greetings, my brethren, > > As you may or may not have heard, there has been an election in the American Empire. All things considered, Christian fundamentalist idiocy has won. > > Congratulations; you are now an idiotic nation, represented by idiots, ruled by an idiot. If you disappeared in a puff of nuclear smoke tomorrow, the world would breathe a sigh of relief. > > Your only two notable accomplishments are exterminating your native population and enslaving your imported black population. And both of those put you slightly behind NAZI Germany in terms of human progress. > > To summarize: > > Fuck you, you stupid Americans. Fuck your empire. Fuck your imperialism. Most of all, however, fuck each and every one of you that truly believes that your piece of shit country belongs in the circle of civilized nations. Because I am not an ultranationalist zealot, I believe that every country belongs in the circle of civilized nations. The question is how to get their populaces to realize it and to act accordingly. You realize that the problem is a human problem, and not one having to do with national boundaries, yes? If not, take your place in the line of impotent hypocrites and cultivate the quality of silence from now on. We AMERICAN adults have to figure out how to stop an insurgent fascist movement. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/74 "2010-11-05T18:12:31Z")
> [@SteveG1](#): > > I love this, We are being scolded by … > > the people who brought you the Gulag, Siberia, pogroms, Joe Stalin, blood purges, the extermination of the entire Romanoff family, Leninism, the invasions of Hungary and Czechoslovalia, and sided WITH Hitler until Hitler turned on them. Yeah, but that was like fifty years ago. **Commissar** can’t expect someone to feel responsible for the actions committed by their nation that long ago. That would be crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/75 "2010-11-05T18:18:19Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > You are, literally, the only person I have ever heard claim this. Ukrainians always described themselves as Ukrainian, even during the Soviet era. Belorussians always described themselves as Belorussian. Russians always described themselves as Russian. Poles always described themselves as Poles, and so on. \* Nobody\* was a Soviet. > > The closest you’ve ever been to the Soviet Union was hearing a Yakov Smirnoff joke repeated on a discussion board. I see. So, because I do not fit into your juvenile stereotypes concerning Soviet people, your brain cannot process the fact that I am Soviet? How very American of you. Anyway, it is not my job to convince you of my own heritage. If you would prefer to consider me non-Soviet, be my guest. Whatever preserves your fragile little mind, friend… ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/76 "2010-11-05T18:20:59Z")
Don’t worry - you seem plenty Soviet to me. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/77 "2010-11-05T18:22:00Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > (10) Illegal imperial wars against…Afghanistan > [@I am a Communist.](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-am-a-communist/550964/70): > > … But I must reiterate that I am a Soviet by birth, upbringing, and loyalty. Quoted for comedy. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/78 "2010-11-05T18:24:42Z")
> [@](#): > > Anyway, it is not my job to convince you of my own heritage. In which of the Autonomous Republics that made up the Soviet Union were you born? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Understander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3da27b/32.png) [@The\_Understander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Understander)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/79 "2010-11-05T18:26:51Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > I see. So, because I do not fit into your juvenile stereotypes concerning Soviet people, your brain cannot process the fact that I am Soviet? How very American of you. > > Anyway, it is not my job to convince you of my own heritage. If you would prefer to consider me non-Soviet, be my guest. Whatever preserves your fragile little mind, friend… I believe you. If you consider the hands of your nation clean, then again I invite you to maintain zero volume and consider the depth of your hypocrisy. ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/80 "2010-11-05T18:30:04Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > In which of the Autonomous Republics that made up the Soviet Union were you born? I was born in Belarus. Half of my family is Russian, half Bellorussian hailing from a region that used to be under Polish control pre-WWII. Kind of makes your proposed cut-and-dry classifications silly, don’t you think? What would you call me? A Polish Bellorussian Russian? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559.md?page=5)