# I Pit the Empire **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 5, 2010, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559 "2010-11-05T08:14:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/81 "2010-11-05T18:35:02Z")
No, I’d call you a troll and a liar. If you were, in fact, born there, then it was in the post-Soviet era and you are a wanker jerking-off in exactly the same way as Neo-Nazis jerk-off over a Nazi Germany of which they were never a part. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/82 "2010-11-05T18:36:54Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > You’re absolutely right; in order to be fair, I guess we must really look at the totality of the Empire’s accomplishments. So, let’s start adding to my list: > > Imperial Accomplishments: > > (1) One of the most effective genocides in the history of humanity, directed against its own aboriginal population. > (2) Bloody wars of aggression against its neighbors. > (3) The last bastion of Christian fundamentalism in the world. > (4) Witch hunts - 300 years after the rest of the world had grown the fuck up. > (5) Illegal and completely unjustified INVASION and ANNEXATION of Hawaii, which apparently committed the criminal offense of wanting to be free and independent. Go, you wonderful freedom lovers, you. > (6) “Opening” up of Japan at gunpoint, because it apparently committed the criminal offense of not wanting your worthless shit. So now you need to bully people into trading with you? Very nice; go capitalism. > (7) One of the last nations in the world to end slavery. Apparently, an issue that had been decided in the rest of the world hundreds of years earlier was so difficult for your feeble brains that you had to go to war and kill each other over it. > (8) And then you still kept the blacks in quasi-slavery until the 1950s. > (9) Sat back on your fat lazy asses and watched both WWI and WWII unfold, entering them only when you figured you wanted a piece of the bounty. > (10) Illegal imperial wars against Cuba, Panama, Vietnam, Korea, China, Afghanistan, Iraq, and pretty much everyone else in the world. > (11) I notice that you still don’t have universal health coverage, which I find to be a good indication of your civilization, or lack thereof. No use shouting at me. I didn’t ask to be born here. But seriously, who do you think you are yelling at? What, in your mind, makes any perticular person on this board directly responsible for any of the above? ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/83 "2010-11-05T18:38:46Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > I was born in Belarus. Half of my family is Russian, half Bellorussian hailing from a region that used to be under Polish control pre-WWII. Kind of makes your proposed cut-and-dry classifications silly, don’t you think? What would you call me? A Polish Bellorussian Russian? A ScrotumPoleistan? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/84 "2010-11-05T18:39:48Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > In which of the Autonomous Republics that made up the Soviet Union were you born? Hawaii. That’s where all the cool commies are from nowadays. ---
**Author:** ![OtisCampbellWasRight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/d78d45/32.png) [@OtisCampbellWasRight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtisCampbellWasRight)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/85 "2010-11-05T18:42:06Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > I was born in Belarus. Half of my family is Russian, half Bellorussian hailing from a region that used to be under Polish control pre-WWII. Kind of makes your proposed cut-and-dry classifications silly, don’t you think? What would you call me? A Polish Bellorussian Russian? Nope, just a tool. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/86 "2010-11-05T18:43:17Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > I was born in Belarus. Half of my family is Russian, half Bellorussian hailing from a region that used to be under Polish control pre-WWII. Kind of makes your proposed cut-and-dry classifications silly, don’t you think? What would you call me? A Polish Bellorussian Russian? Now that I think about it, why would a fellow who proclaims himself a Soviet not claim he was born in Belorusskaya Sovetskaya Sotsalisticheskaya Respublika? You’re a liar. ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/87 "2010-11-05T18:47:11Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > No, I’d call you a troll and a liar. If you were, in fact, born there, then it was in the post-Soviet era and you are a wanker jerking-off in exactly the same way as Neo-Nazis jerk-off over a Nazi Germany of which they were never a part. Once again, if you expect me to start showing you my old red-bound Soviet passport at this point, you’re out of luck. Believe whatever you want. I will point out once more that you are contradicting my own heritage because, apparently, a self-identified Communist that actually grew up in the Soviet Union is just too much for your neurons to handle. I don’t know why, but I find that slightly humorous. Given your dogmatic ignorance, no wonder your country is such a nasty shit-hole. Having said that, I am done discussing my history with you. Back to the topic, if you will. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/88 "2010-11-05T18:47:11Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > What would you call me? I will call you… Æthelred. Æthelred the Unready. It’s already taken, but with your grasp of history I’m not too worried that you’ll notice. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/89 "2010-11-05T18:49:16Z")
> [@](#): > > Back to the topic, if you will. Quite right. From my POV, the topic is DNFTT. Good day. ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/90 "2010-11-05T18:49:53Z")
Say hello to my brown and hairy starfish. ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/91 "2010-11-05T18:51:12Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Now that I think about it, why would a fellow who proclaims himself a Soviet not claim he was born in Belorusskaya Sovetskaya Sotsalisticheskaya Respublika? > > You’re a liar. Because it was not a country, but rather a component of it, you dummy. When you go abroad, do you tell people that you’re from the US, or do you tell them that you’re from State X? Honestly, if you were to think these things through rather than vomiting them onto these boards, you wouldn’t need to ask such stupid questions. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/92 "2010-11-05T19:07:20Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > To the OP: kneel before Zod. Fuk Zod. The OP should just kneel before _me_. Seriously, either defeat The Empire or embrace it. OP can be right all he wants, my money says my empire can kick his empire’s ass twice a week for the next 30 years. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/93 "2010-11-05T19:11:02Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > What would you call me? I will call you…Tim. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/94 "2010-11-05T19:13:52Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I will call you… Æthelred. Æthelred the Unready. My understanding is that he is more correctly referred to as Æthelred the Ill-Advised. Possibly even more fitting that way. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/95 "2010-11-05T19:22:02Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > Sanitation? Roads? I’m afraid the rest of humanity preempted you by several thousand years in those categories. > > The Marshall Plan? Alright, you rebuilt Western Europe for a profit. We rebuilt Eastern Europe for free, out of the goodness of our hearts. How does this make you the superior, rather than the inferior, people? > > Pizza delivery? Thanks for the global obesity epidemic, assholes. Um. You haven’t seen any Monty Python, have you? Should take the time at some point - you clearly have plenty of it, and you might be happier as a result. As for the Marshall Plan - there is a bit of a difference, I think, between assisting democratically elected governments and imposing reconstruction upon occupied states. (Of course, we _did_ occupy the Axis powers - but, well, so did you. And we continued the Marshall Plan long after we’d handed power back to elected governments.) ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/96 "2010-11-05T19:26:56Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > As for the Marshall Plan - there is a bit of a difference, I think, between assisting democratically elected governments and imposing reconstruction upon occupied states. (Of course, we _did_ occupy the Axis powers - but, well, so did you. And we continued the Marshall Plan long after we’d handed power back to elected governments.) The “difference” is that after the newly liberated nations embraced our glorious form of government, we gave them completely free aid, no strings attached. Americans, being Americans, instead found a coldhearted way to make a quick buck off of human suffering. Also, it’s worth pointing out that you’re STILL occupying Germany, Italy, and Japan. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/97 "2010-11-05T19:28:46Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > My understanding is that he is more correctly referred to as Æthelred the Ill-Advised. Possibly even more fitting that way. Originally the same thing: “Unready” is from the saxon Unræd “lacking (good) advice”. From ræd, meaning “counsel” or “advice”. It’s a pun on his first name, which means “noble advice” (æðele, meaning “noble”, and ræd). So literally, something like “King Nobel-Advice, the Badly-Advised”. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/98 "2010-11-05T19:29:22Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > Because it was not a country, but rather a component of it, you dummy. When you go abroad, do you tell people that you’re from the US, or do you tell them that you’re from State X? > > Honestly, if you were to think these things through rather than vomiting them onto these boards, you wouldn’t need to ask such stupid questions. Actually, the accent usually gives the American bit away, and people ask me what state I’m from. New Hampshire represent! > [@Scumpup](#): > > Now that I think about it, why would a fellow who proclaims himself a Soviet not claim he was born in Belorusskaya Sovetskaya Sotsalisticheskaya Respublika? > > You’re a liar. Eh - he’s a fool and fanatic, but I’m not sure this really establishes he’s a liar. I don’t tell people I went to college in the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, either. > [@Scumpup](#): > > If you were, in fact, born there, then it was in the post-Soviet era and you are a wanker jerking-off in exactly the same way as Neo-Nazis jerk-off over a Nazi Germany of which they were never a part. Has this guy said how old he is? ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/99 "2010-11-05T19:30:16Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > The Marshall Plan? Alright, you rebuilt Western Europe for a profit. We rebuilt Eastern Europe for free, out of the goodness of our hearts. How does this make you the superior, rather than the inferior, people? Then you built all those nice walls and shot people who tried to see what was on the other side of them. ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/100 "2010-11-05T19:31:48Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > no wonder your country is such a nasty shit-hole. Really? We have an average life expectancy that’s 11 years longer than in your country. We have better roads than you do. We have a better military than you do. Our entertainment industry dwarfs the rest of the world’s combined. We have better agriculture than you do (remember eating our grain exports when you were growing up because your country couldn’t keep up in the Cold War and feed its people at the same time…yeah). We have better technology than you do. We never murdered our own citizens the way your country did, and we’re the barbarians? Your country (including pre-Soviet Union) has a longer systematic warlike history than ours does. Your nation’s politicians murder each other in coups and for intrigue, we have a voting democracy. We are the greatest Republic the world has ever known. Your country, not so much. Hey, freedom of speech is pretty nice, isn’t it? How long have you been enjoying that, about 20 years now? And please with the racism. Are you going to sit there and act like your country has never suppressed its ethnic minorities, Jews, Dagestanis, Chechens, Mongoloids? How’s your alcoholism rate? I hear its pretty low. You’re a buffoon, get your weak-sauce rant outta here. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559.md?page=6)