# I Pit the Empire **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 5, 2010, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559 "2010-11-05T08:14:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/121 "2010-11-05T20:28:45Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > 😃 > > I earmbeorhtnesse Ă©ow grĂŠf ĂĄnweald, 
 😉 Good grief - man, the language has _changed_. Help me out here? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/122 "2010-11-05T20:33:04Z")
We invented the intrawebs, which gives you the ability to make an ass of yourself to a bunch of people much superior to you who do not take you at all seriously, and who are mocking you. We win. (USA! USA! USA!) ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/123 "2010-11-05T20:33:28Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > Good grief - man, the language has _changed_. Help me out here? Heh, I just put “I pity your style of government” word-by-word through an Old English translator. Probably means gibberish, but looks cool. 😃 I did once hear a reading of Old English poetry - it sounded awesome, but was, of course, totally incomprehensible. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Nars\_Glinley](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nars_glinley/32/8177_2.png) [@Nars\_Glinley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nars_Glinley)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/124 "2010-11-05T20:33:58Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > What would you call me? The Perfect Master says: “I say we just call him Duckbreath. It’s short, it’s easy to spell, and Lord knows it satisfies the soul.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/125 "2010-11-05T20:34:43Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > You’re absolutely right; in order to be fair, I guess we must really look at the totality of the Empire’s accomplishments. So, let’s start adding to my list: > > Imperial Accomplishments: > > (1) One of the most effective genocides in the history of humanity, directed against its own aboriginal population. > (2) Bloody wars of aggression against its neighbors. > (3) The last bastion of Christian fundamentalism in the world. > (4) Witch hunts - 300 years after the rest of the world had grown the fuck up. > (5) Illegal and completely unjustified INVASION and ANNEXATION of Hawaii, which apparently committed the criminal offense of wanting to be free and independent. Go, you wonderful freedom lovers, you. > (6) “Opening” up of Japan at gunpoint, because it apparently committed the criminal offense of not wanting your worthless shit. So now you need to bully people into trading with you? Very nice; go capitalism. > (7) One of the last nations in the world to end slavery. Apparently, an issue that had been decided in the rest of the world hundreds of years earlier was so difficult for your feeble brains that you had to go to war and kill each other over it. > (8) And then you still kept the blacks in quasi-slavery until the 1950s. > (9) Sat back on your fat lazy asses and watched both WWI and WWII unfold, entering them only when you figured you wanted a piece of the bounty. > (10) Illegal imperial wars against Cuba, Panama, Vietnam, Korea, China, Afghanistan, Iraq, and pretty much everyone else in the world. > (11) I notice that you still don’t have universal health coverage, which I find to be a good indication of your civilization, or lack thereof. You forgot (12) Kicking Commie ass. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/126 "2010-11-05T20:40:19Z")
BTW, **Commissar** , I’m still curious: What happened when the Hungarians and the Czechs decided they wanted to modify your glorious form of government? ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/127 "2010-11-05T20:40:27Z")
Commissar,why not head back. I hear Chernobyl’s lovely this time of the year. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/128 "2010-11-05T20:42:12Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > Sure, you’ll take a step forward, three steps back. The D.C. charter is nice, sure. But while you’re doing that, you’re simultaneously passing DOMAs and other gay-bashing legislation, so I wouldn’t exactly call you progressive. > > EDIT: And keep in mind that it was not until 2003 that your supreme court ruled that gay sex can’t be criminalized (Lawrence v. Texas). 2003!!! Sure, you’re making progress, but you’re approximately two centuries behind the rest of us
 What is this rest of us to which you refer? Please tell me when gay marriage was legalized in Russia. Please tell me when homosexuality was decriminalized in Russia? In what year was Article 121 repealed? ---
**Author:** ![FoieGrasIsEvil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foiegrasisevil/32/16638_2.png) [@FoieGrasIsEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FoieGrasIsEvil)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/129 "2010-11-05T20:42:44Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > Yeah, we drink a lot. Nobody’s perfect. Globally speaking, your life expectancy is unimpressive. But we weren’t speaking globally, were we? > [@](#): > > Apparently, you don’t drive a lot in the Empire. Personally, I’ll take a Russian road any day; maybe you people can stop murdering others for a day and fix your damn potholes instead. That’s not accurate, at all. [http://economie.moldova.org/news/corruption-keeping-russian-highways-among-worst-in-the-world-206976-eng.html](http://economie.moldova.org/news/corruption-keeping-russian-highways-among-worst-in-the-world-206976-eng.html) > **[Russian road · Russia Travel Blog](https://russiatrek.org/blog/tag/russian-road/)** And especially this one: [Russian Roads 4 - English Russia](http://englishrussia.com/index.php/2006/09/21/russian-roads-4/) > [@Commissar](#): > > That’s a meaningless comment. We have nukes; you have nukes. That’s pretty much the end of the discussion right there. Not really. I was speaking only to our conventional forces. Superior Navy, superior Air Force, superior Army. You act like we go around nuking everyone in sight. > [@](#): > > Good for you. You have a vast latrine of stupidity spewing out mindless garbage. You must be very proud. Once you get bored, there’s a couple intelligent Russian movies I can recommend to you. :rolleyes: Yeah, its _all_ mindless entertainment. Hollywood has never produced good movies that are thought-provoking, heart-wrenching or in any innumerable way relevant to the human experience. Oh, and I forgot, sports! We kick your ass in sports! > [@](#): > > You have an agricultural system that depends in its entirety on the labor of a subgroup that you’re actively trying to kick out of your country. That will end well, I’m sure. When you need some potatoes, call us. It does not depend in its entirety on illegal labor. Point taken on illegals vis a vis our internal debate over what to do with them. Every civilized nation has issues with illegal immigrants, refugees and the like. I’d say we’re actually pretty nice to them. Many other nations would just shoot them. > [@](#): > > You didn’t? Huh. I guess that was somebody else’s Civil War, then. The Civil War was bad, yes, but comparing 700,000 deaths in an actual war to the 23 million that died not being at war under Stalin’s regime alone (not counting before or after, the gulags, etc) and suddenly that casualty figure for the American Civil War seems pretty paltry by comparison, doesn’t it? > [@](#): > > Er
 we have existed for much longer, obviously. Per capita, no one comes close to you bloodthirsty savages. That’s because we’re badasses when we want to be, Mr I Condone Murderous Regimes. > [@](#): > > You’re thinking Stalin. Times have changed, my friend. Putin and Lukashenko are looking pretty lively to me. If you can use the Civil War as an example of our savagery against our own people, then its fine for me to bring up Stalin (and the two situations aren’t really comparable at all as I stated above), but he wasn’t the only murderer amongst the ranks of Soviet rulers. > [@](#): > > What is your criteria for determining that? Because, frankly, Canada, Australia, and all of Western Europe look a lot more appealing. At least they provide medical care. Our Constitution, as it was the first of its kind in human history. No nation in the world was governed prior to that with separated and divided powers providing checks and balances on the exercise of authority by those who were governed. > [@](#): > > It’s alright, but I’ll switch it for freedom of food, medical care, and shelter any day of the week. You need to get your priorities straight. We have more of all of these things than Russia, especially food and shelter. > [@](#): > > We are human; we have made mistakes. What makes us different is that we try to improve. You, on the other hand, prefer to wallow in your own filth and backwardness. What in the world? We don’t get the same benefit of the doubt for our own mistakes? The civil rights movement never happened? There’s no equality in America? What filth and backwardness do you speak of? Every country has idiot citizens. > [@](#): > > What can I say, vodka is awesome. You people really ought to drink more. Maybe it will keep you from slaughtering other people for a change. I agree, vodka is very good. And LOL at the “slaughtering other people for a change” as if we’re the only nation on Earth that’s ever done that. I agree it doesn’t make it right but there you go. Russia has been historically and even recently just as guilty. Or as if we had no right to go into Afghanistan to hunt down the group of people that attacked us on 9/11. Iraq I’ll grant you
stupid war the second time around. Ditto Vietnam. > [@](#): > > You were doing relatively well until the ad hominem crap. You should set higher standards for yourself; you may be an American, but you don’t necessarily have to act like one. What ad hominem crap? I have pretty high standards for myself. I do a good job as a worker, citizen, husband and father. And pray tell, what does this ridiculously diverse collection of people known as Americans act like? So we are all the same? ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/130 "2010-11-05T20:48:26Z")
Mr. Commisar, we’ve hired a new complaint manager to address all of your concerns. His name? [Cowboy Bill Watts](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7bxkHPVGdc). ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/131 "2010-11-05T21:09:32Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > The “difference” is that after the newly liberated nations embraced our glorious form of government, we gave them completely free aid, no strings attached. BWHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAH
_pounds fists on desk, sheds tears of laughter_ Oh, you’re good. You’re really good. Have you considered doing stand up? BTW, a lot of those historical events you listed happened BEFORE the Soviet Union was created. Dumbass. (On the other hand, they DID give us Evgeni Malkin. So that’s something at least.) ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/132 "2010-11-05T21:19:15Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > You know, I never found that bit of bluster persuasive. I mean, where in the movies or the Extended Universe do we ever see the Force used for something equally impressive? I mean, look - there’s a planet. And now there isn’t. I don’t remember the character’s name, but there was the Dark Jedi in Timothy Hahn’s trilogy (which most consider to be episodes 7-9) who sat in a tower, mind controlling everyone on the planet and at the same time cloaking the planet from radar, all with the Force. I probably got some of that wrong, and I’m sure someone will come along and correct me. It’s been quite a few years since I read those books. ---
**Author:** ![asterion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/4da419/32.png) [@asterion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asterion)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/133 "2010-11-05T21:20:37Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Heh, I just put “I pity your style of government” word-by-word through an Old English translator. Probably means gibberish, but looks cool. 😃 > > I did once hear a reading of Old English poetry - it sounded awesome, but was, of course, totally incomprehensible. 😉 My father once had a tape in the car of something from around Chaucer’s time, though I don’t believe it was one of Chaucer’s works. Read in the original, of course. Made for a rather annoying drive, as I couldn’t catch much of it while he understood the whole thing and then tried to translate on the fly. ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/134 "2010-11-05T21:22:41Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > BTW, **Commissar** , I’m still curious: What happened when the Hungarians and the Czechs decided they wanted to modify your glorious form of government? Nothing terrible, if that’s what you’re implying. They made a mistake, we showed them the error of their ways, and they became better off for a while. Then they made the mistake again, and we let them do it this time. But, point taken. For what it’s worth, I am in favor of spreading Communism to receptive nations, but opposed to forcing it onto a populace from abroad. When forced onto people, it’s a waste of everyone’s time and resources. They’ll all come around eventually, anyway. Our victory is a foregone conclusion. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/135 "2010-11-05T21:24:15Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > Greetings, my brethren, > > As you may or may not have heard, there has been an election in the American Empire. All things considered, Christian fundamentalist idiocy has won. > > Congratulations; you are now an idiotic nation, represented by idiots, ruled by an idiot. If you disappeared in a puff of nuclear smoke tomorrow, the world would breathe a sigh of relief. > > Your only two notable accomplishments are exterminating your native population and enslaving your imported black population. And both of those put you slightly behind NAZI Germany in terms of human progress. > > To summarize: > > Fuck you, you stupid Americans. Fuck your empire. Fuck your imperialism. Most of all, however, fuck each and every one of you that truly believes that your piece of shit country belongs in the circle of civilized nations. Wow. Somebody’s all butthurt and unhappy and jealous of us. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/136 "2010-11-05T21:25:19Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > Nothing terrible, if that’s what you’re implying. They made a mistake, we showed them the error of their ways, and they became better off for a while. Then they made the mistake again, and we let them do it this time. > > But, point taken. For what it’s worth, I am in favor of spreading Communism to receptive nations, but opposed to forcing it onto a populace from abroad. When forced onto people, it’s a waste of everyone’s time and resources. They’ll all come around eventually, anyway. Our victory is a foregone conclusion. By “showed them the error of their ways,” I assume you meant “sent in the tanks” - because that is, in fact, what happened. I understand that you aren’t saying you _approve_ of such things - but let’s not gloss over it. What happened was, indeed, pretty damned awful. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Excellent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f19dbf/32.png) [@Mr.Excellent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Excellent)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/137 "2010-11-05T21:27:18Z")
> [@Lord\_Ashtar](#): > > I don’t remember the character’s name, but there was the Dark Jedi in Timothy Hahn’s trilogy (which most consider to be episodes 7-9) who sat in a tower, mind controlling everyone on the planet and at the same time cloaking the planet from radar, all with the Force. > > I probably got some of that wrong, and I’m sure someone will come along and correct me. It’s been quite a few years since I read those books. I haven’t read the novels, so I’ll take your word for it - but I would submit that the Death Star is still more impressive. It can’t effect direct mind control - but I guarantee you that with a Death Star in orbit, everyone will be doing precisely what the nice Grand Moff says. Plus. you can still just blow up the planet - the Dark Jedi can’t do that. ---
**Author:** ![Commissar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c68b51/32.png) [@Commissar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Commissar)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/138 "2010-11-05T21:30:03Z")
> [@Mr.Excellent](#): > > Credit where credit is due, though - I’ll certainly give the Georgian cognacs a try if I see them. Thanks for the tip! Any particular recommendations? (Other than that I accept the inevitable and glorious triumph of the socialist worker’s paradise, I mean). Pretty much all of the Georgian cognacs I’ve had were absolutely awesome. The last one I had was absolutely delicious: Kolhida, a Georgian cognac bottled in Belarus: [http://www.b-info.by/company/17105/board/index.html?advID=5259](http://www.b-info.by/company/17105/board/index.html?advID=5259) Damned if I know where you can find it in the US, though
 > [@](#): > > ETA: Though I do think the Georgians would object to a non-Georgian Soviet Union enthusiast referring to cognacs produced in that country as “our” cognacs. 😃 But remember, I consider myself a Soviet, and they were a Soviet republic. Hence, I see them as being just as much my own people as my fellow Bellorussians. ---
**Author:** ![Nars\_Glinley](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nars_glinley/32/8177_2.png) [@Nars\_Glinley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nars_Glinley)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/139 "2010-11-05T21:30:06Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Mr. Commisar, we’ve hired a new complaint manager to address all of your concerns. > > His name? > > [Cowboy Bill Watts](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7bxkHPVGdc). Thanks for the memories. I haven’t thought of Cowboy Bill Watts and Skandor Akbar for 30 years. I guess I know what I’ll be Youtubing for the rest of the day. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2010, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559/140 "2010-11-05T21:30:29Z")
> [@Commissar](#): > > But, point taken. For what it’s worth, I am in favor of spreading Communism to receptive nations, but opposed to forcing it onto a populace from abroad. When forced onto people, it’s a waste of everyone’s time and resources. They’ll all come around eventually, anyway. Our victory is a foregone conclusion. Yeah, you guys are really kicking ass. I can see why you’d be so confident. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-empire/559559.md?page=8)