# I Pit 'The Onion' and Their Insanely Stupid 'Ask The' Columns". **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 20, 2005, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607 "2005-09-20T22:11:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/1 "2005-09-20T22:11:25Z")
I read the weekly satire paper [The Onion](http://www.theonion.com/content/index) like many people do. It is generally pretty funny if not a little uneven from week to week. However, The Onion has an insanely stupid and unfunny ‘Ask the’ column sometimes. For those of you that haven’t seen it, it goes something like this. ASK THE FAX MACHINE: \*\*Dear Fax Machine, I just found out that I only have a year to live. I want to make the most of it. Do you have any advice? FAX MACHINE: BOONCH BEEEP BONCK PRINNGGGG BOOMPP BOOMMP BOOMP CHINNG… and that is the end of it. Then, they repeat this exact same thing with another letter.\*\* [This week’s ask the column](Ask A Man Who’s Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller’s Pussy) is ‘Ask A Man Who’s Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller’s Pussy’. Now the title and premise for that is much funnier than most of them but they still pull the same stupid shit. Read it for yourself. People on this board have done ‘Ask The’ parodies many times with funny results. Today’s [‘Ask the 50’s Dad’](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=335904) for instance is pretty cute and that is just some Doper writing replies in near real-time. The Onion has professional writers and weeks to come up with something good and the 100%, completely fuck it up and then repeat the mistake over and over. Is there anyone in the world that finds these remotely amusing? I know you are going to say that I don’t have to read it and you are right. However, it is not the reading that pisses me off but the fact that something so horrific gets published repeatedly in a popular newspaper. Its very existence is screwing with my worldview. ---
**Author:** ![Go\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ce73a5/32.png) [@Go\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Go_Blue)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/2 "2005-09-20T22:14:52Z")
Mmmph, mmph, mmmmmph… MMPH! (gasp) MMPH! Mm-mmm-rrrrrr-nnnnn-mmmm-rrrumph oompth mmph rrrmmm-nnnn-OOF! (pant, pant!) OOF! Urrrrrgggghhh-gggrrgle oompth-mmph! MMMPH! MMMPTH! Brrr-oooooo-nnnn-yowww-rrrrrummmm-nummm… Nnnnnph! NNNPH! NNNNNNNNPH! Oh God… MMMMMMMPH! (gasp!) (pant, pant, pant…) (gurgle!) MMMPH! ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/3 "2005-09-20T22:23:16Z")
I liked the one that was something like “Ask the kid who just got a new book of knock-knock jokes.” ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/4 "2005-09-20T22:24:25Z")
_The Onion_ gives me free beer several times a month. Therefore, they are above any and all criticism you may attempt to hurl at them. ---
**Author:** ![George\_Kaplin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3e96dc/32.png) [@George\_Kaplin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/George_Kaplin)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/5 "2005-09-20T22:25:34Z")
Anyone else revelling in the near perfect symbiosis of content and username in **Go Blue’s** post? ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/6 "2005-09-20T22:47:42Z")
Seriously, though, you have to admit that must be just about exactly what it sounds like to be jowl-deep in Phyllis Diller’s pussy. ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/7 "2005-09-20T23:01:04Z")
Best Onion thing. [Evar.](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37350) You fail. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/8 "2005-09-20T23:11:03Z")
> [@Wolfian](#): > > Best Onion thing. [Evar.](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37350) > > You fail. I was going to mention my own favorite, “Ask the worker bee drone,” but yours blows mine out of the water. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/9 "2005-09-20T23:14:24Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > I liked the one that was something like “Ask the kid who just got a new book of knock-knock jokes.” [Found it!](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37440) I bet this thread isn’t going at all the way the OP planned. ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/10 "2005-09-20T23:30:36Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > [Found it!](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37440) > > I bet this thread isn’t going at all the way the OP planned. People are posting so-called great examples and I am not seeing it at all. I get more pissed every time I read another one hoping that will be the one that makes everything clear. I guess these things must be like one of those Magic Eye 3-D posters. All I see is two non-sequitors cut and pasted together in an annoying way. I usually have a good eye for comedy of all types but this one just baffles me. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/11 "2005-09-20T23:34:26Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > People are posting so-called great examples and I am not seeing it at all. I get more pissed every time I read another one hoping that will be the one that makes everything clear. I guess these things must be like one of those Magic Eye 3-D posters. All I see is two non-sequitors cut and pasted together in an annoying way. I usually have a good eye for comedy of all types but this one just baffles me. I have to agree with **Shagnasty**. I can see how it would be a funny parody of “Ask Whoever” columns, but to me the joke just doesn’t really work as a running column. I generally skip them. Also, I can’t see those damned Magic Eye 3-D posters, either! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2005, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/12 "2005-09-20T23:36:47Z")
Imagine. Jokes on a humor website. Sacrilege! ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/13 "2005-09-21T00:09:13Z")
The Phyllis Diller one was last week. It’s funnier than this week’s “Hitler was a Taurus” one IMO. My favorite was [Ask A Gut-Shot Policeman](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37400). > [@Troy McClure SF](#): > > _The Onion_ gives me free beer several times a month. Therefore, they are above any and all criticism you may attempt to hurl at them. WHA—!!! When and where, please. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/14 "2005-09-21T00:22:28Z")
I think this feature is usually unfunny, but sometimes it’s worth it. I liked “Ask a Traffic Cone.” ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/15 "2005-09-21T00:23:30Z")
I’m with the OP on this one. The Onion cracks my ass up, but the “Ask the whatever” articles never did anything for me. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/16 "2005-09-21T00:34:28Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > People on this board have done ‘Ask The’ parodies many times with funny results. Today’s [‘Ask the 50’s Dad’](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=335904) for instance is pretty cute and that is just some Doper writing replies in near real-time. I hate to tell you this, but SDMB “Ask The” threads are not parodies of Onion “Ask The” columns. **matt** or somebody started the “Ask The” threads years ago, with “Ask The Gay Guy”, because he wanted to be helpful and informative. Or he was tired of answering questions in every other thread, I forget exactly. Anyway, SDMB “Ask The” is not usually supposed to be funny, and even when it is done for humorous effect, they still don’t use the non-sequitur gag. Anyway, how do you parody a parody? :::Rilchiam grumbles because she can’t find “Ask the Dauphin” and “Ask A Frat Brother Who Let A Pledge Drown During Hazing”::: ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/17 "2005-09-21T00:41:03Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > :::Rilchiam grumbles because she can’t find “Ask the Dauphin” and “Ask A Frat Brother Who Let A Pledge Drown During Hazing”::: [Ask the Dauphin](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37338) [Ask A Frat Brother Who Just Accidentally Drowned A Pledge During A Hazing Gone Horribly Awry](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37366) ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/18 "2005-09-21T00:45:00Z")
Thank you!!! ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/19 "2005-09-21T00:45:15Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > I hate to tell you this, but SDMB “Ask The” threads are not parodies of Onion “Ask The” columns. And _I_ hate to tell you _this_, but he never said they were. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2005, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607/20 "2005-09-21T00:47:56Z")
In my vain search for “Ask a Traffic Cone,” I’ve read a bunch more of these. Despite what I said, the ones I’ve found are pretty good. [Ask Someone Who Writes To Advice Columns](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/37386) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-onion-and-their-insanely-stupid-ask-the-columns/322607.md?page=2)