# I pit the person who is using my Dad's picture to pick up men (long, whiny) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 15, 2012, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892 "2012-04-15T22:37:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2012, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/41 "2012-04-17T23:50:01Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > …You and your mother may be able to get information from the neurologist about resources that are available to instruct and assist in the care of an adult suffering from dementia. Your city or county government may have some sort of elder services office, too. And while you’re there, ask them if there any documented cases of dementia causing: 1. A 180 degree shift in sexuality [90° if he’s always been bi] 2. Is a contributing factor in marital infidelity You may not like the answers. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/42 "2012-04-18T01:19:43Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > And while you’re there, ask them if there any documented cases of dementia causing: > > 1. A 180 degree shift in sexuality [90° if he’s always been bi] > 2. Is a contributing factor in marital infidelity > You may not like the answers. I think you will find that dementia can cause just about anything you can mention. And I wonder what you hope to accomplish with this remark. And by the way, **cwthree** , I don’t think your OP was whiny. You have reason to be unhappy and this is the place to whine if you need to though. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/43 "2012-04-18T02:20:49Z")
Since this is the (snarky) pit, and since I desperately needed some lightness when I was going through my dad’s Alzheimer’s, allow me to be the first to ask: Who’s going to play you in the Oprah Network’s Very Special Movie Of The Week? ---
**Author:** ![Waenara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/50afbb/32.png) [@Waenara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waenara)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/44 "2012-04-18T02:22:08Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > And while you’re there, ask them if there any documented cases of dementia causing: > > 1. A 180 degree shift in sexuality [90° if he’s always been bi] > 2. Is a contributing factor in marital infidelity > You may not like the answers. I don’t think anyone’s suggesting that the dementia _caused_ his father to shift from being straight to gay. Rather, it’s likely his father has always been gay (or at least bi), and had previously repressed it and his dementia is just causing him to no longer be able to hide his true orientation. And as a health care professional that has worked with a lot of dementia patients, I would not be surprised if a patient with dementia started cheating on their spouse (or attempting to do so). Sexually inappropriate behaviour is not at all uncommon in people with dementia - doesn’t happen for all of them, but definitely not rare. As a female nurse, I’ve had way more dirty/inappropriate comments and suggestions from elderly male dementia patients than I have had from all other male patients of any age combined. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/45 "2012-04-18T02:25:51Z")
> [@mister\_nyx](#): > > I’m sure it’s tough, and I’m sorry, but I hope you spare a few minutes to hate on the culture and ethos at that time that led your dad to marry a woman when he’s more interested in men. Not that it makes what he did okay, but it makes it a bit more understandable. He might not have been more interested in men at the time. According to [this](http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17703018) article, the subject says a stroke (which killed part of his brain) turned him gay. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/46 "2012-04-18T02:26:01Z")
> [@JohnBckWLD](#): > > And while you’re there, ask them if there any documented cases of dementia causing: > > 1. A 180 degree shift in sexuality [90° if he’s always been bi] > 2. Is a contributing factor in marital infidelity > You may not like the answers. Dementia can remove inhibitions and judgement. So while it might not affect sexual orientation, per se, it can absolutely cause him to act out sexually. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/47 "2012-04-18T17:44:42Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Depending on the nature of your father’s illness, he may be dissociating to a point where he genuinely believes what he is saying about not having sent the messages, etc. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I hadn’t considered this. The handful of people I’ve known with dementia (Alzheimer’s, stroke-related) have done weird stuff, but they’ve generally acknowledged it (all the while insisting that whatever they did was perfectly normal or entirely justified). > [@Omar\_Little](#): > > How sure are you that your father’s denials are the result of his diagnosed dementia? Maybe his rational fully functioning mental capacity is thinking he’s in a shit-storm and denying is his best option at this point. Maybe it’s easier to blame it on his condition instead of thinking your dad is a shit heel. I hadn’t considered this, either. I mean, the evidence is overwhelming, and I can’t imagine how a functional person would think that denials would help his case. On the other hand, he seemed eager to out himself as an alcoholic (he’s been sober for over 20 years now) but continues to deny that he ever smacked me around when I was a kid (I know it happened - I was there). So clearly, he and I have vastly different notions of what kind of things are too embarrassing to admit. > [@Waenara](#): > > I don’t think anyone’s suggesting that the dementia _caused_ his father to shift from being straight to gay. Rather, it’s likely his father has always been gay (or at least bi), and had previously repressed it and his dementia is just causing him to no longer be able to hide his true orientation. > > And as a health care professional that has worked with a lot of dementia patients, I would not be surprised if a patient with dementia started cheating on their spouse (or attempting to do so). Sexually inappropriate behaviour is not at all uncommon in people with dementia - doesn’t happen for all of them, but definitely not rare. As a female nurse, I’ve had way more dirty/inappropriate comments and suggestions from elderly male dementia patients than I have had from all other male patients of any age combined. > [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Dementia can remove inhibitions and judgement. So while it might not affect sexual orientation, per se, it can absolutely cause him to act out sexually. \*\*Waenara \*\*and **IvoryTowerDenizen** , thanks for pointing this out. Fortunately, this is something that Mom understands. Her professional background includes significant training in mental health issues. In fact, when she first told me about the nude pictures of himself and of other guys, she said she had considered that this was simply a case of reduced inhibitions and judgement, as though his mental filters just weren’t there any more. That is, the desire has always been there, but he either can’t cover it up any more or no longer sees any reason to. Social skills have never been one of his strong suits, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/48 "2012-04-18T18:04:15Z")
> [@digs](#): > > Who’s going to play you in the Oprah Network’s Very Special Movie Of The Week? Tough call. I’d suggest either Peter Dinklage or Michael Emerson, although there are days when Roseanne Barr (complete with crotch-grab) might be more appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/49 "2012-04-18T20:14:35Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > Well you certainly demonstrated the diversity of the term. Troll trolls Troll trolls troll troll Troll trolls. (Big-T Troll - the Norse familiar spirits; small-t trolls: the Internet nuisances; troll: to aggravate. Yep, that works.) ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/50 "2012-04-18T22:05:10Z")
My Dad has run away from home. No, really. Mom said he did some laundry (which is mind-bendingly not like him, in and of itself), packed a couple bags, and said he wasn’t going be around for his doctor’s appointment on Friday. I just got an email from him saying he’s in (state hundreds of miles from home), on the way to (state even more hundreds of miles from home). I have no idea what he’s heading for. We don’t have relatives (that I know of) out there, and I don’t think they have any friends out that way. Last fall Dad was persuaded to limit his driving to daylight hours in familiar places. He’d scared the everloving crap out of us with his driving in city traffic and Mom wasn’t impressed with his ability to negotiate unfamiliar roads while piloting a ton of glass and steel at moderate-to-high speeds. The man has now driven (as far as I know) several hundred miles on an unfamiliar route, with the intention of driving hundreds of miles more. He may be fine, he may get pulled over before he hurts anyone (he likes to drive _fast_, always has), or he may get himself killed. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/51 "2012-04-18T22:14:23Z")
Oh, jeez. That’s awful. Have you called the police? ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/52 "2012-04-18T22:21:38Z")
Oops - didn’t see the last update. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/53 "2012-04-18T22:34:29Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Oh, jeez. That’s awful. Have you called the police? I’m trying to get hold of him to see if he’s driving or took a plane. If I don’t get a response pretty soon, I will call the highway patrol for the state he said he’s in and see if they can do anything (even if it’s just a welfare check, should the see his car). ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/54 "2012-04-18T22:40:27Z")
Fuck, that’s awful. I wish you the best. I hope your dad turns up ok. You can also check and see if your state (and the state he claims he’s in) allows for the use of their Amber Alert system for people with dementia - I think some will put out alerts for adults with mental disabilities or with degenerative diseases. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/55 "2012-04-18T22:45:28Z")
On the email you got, can you look at the full headers? It will often list the Received headers which specify which systems the email went through. There will be multiple Received headers. The one farthest down the list is probably where he sent the mail from. It can be used to pinpoint exactly where he was when he sent it. If it’s not something you recognize, the police or someone should be able to figure it out. ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2012, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/56 "2012-04-18T22:46:06Z")
Wow. This is one I feel really bad in the worst way about calling. I’m sorry you and your family are going through this cwthree. I hope you can get help from the police in both states, and can get him home safely. Is it possible this sudden decision to leave was caused by someone he’s been chatting to online? Do you have the ability to get into his email/some of these gay dating accounts and find out if someone has talked him into this? ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2012, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/57 "2012-04-19T01:24:16Z")
**cwthree** , if you haven’t already, you need to file a missing person’s report with the police. Because your dad has Alzheimer’s, he is considered “at risk”, and the police take this very seriously. I know this because I went through it a week and a half ago. And like I said, your mom really needs to get started on taking control of marriage assets, perhaps conservatorship of your father, and he may need to be placed into assisted living or a nursing home with a dementia unit. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2012, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/58 "2012-04-19T04:37:52Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > On the email you got, can you look at the full headers? It will often list the Received headers which specify which systems the email went through. There will be multiple Received headers. The one farthest down the list is probably where he sent the mail from. It can be used to pinpoint exactly where he was when he sent it. If it’s not something you recognize, the police or someone should be able to figure it out. Thanks, **filmore**. I did this shortly after I got the email. The IP address belongs to a server in the state Dad says he’s in; it’s in or near a major city that is a believable day’s drive from home. I finally got a text back from Dad. He said he’d left his phone charging while he got some dinner, but he hasn’t explained why he’s heading for (Distant State) except to say he’s “just looking.” At least we know he’s alive, and most likely stopped for the night. I also suggested that Mom call the bank that handles Dad’s credit card and ask to be alerted every time a charge is made. This may help us and law enforcement know where he is. I can’t imagine he has enough cash to avoid charging gas, meals, and lodging. **Sierra Indigo** , unfortunately Dad took all of his electronic devices (phone, laptop, etc.) with him, so Mom has no access to his email accounts. She has the password to some of his social media accounts, but she found nothing useful there. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2012, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/59 "2012-04-20T03:25:58Z")
Sorry to hear that this happened. I would definitely agree with the idea of calling the police in that state ASAP and explaining the situation. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2012, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892/60 "2012-04-20T22:04:59Z")
Any update on this? I’m worried about your dad- I hope he’s okay. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pit-the-person-who-is-using-my-dads-picture-to-pick-up-men-long-whiny/618892.md?page=4)