# I pity nosy people **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 8, 2005, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972 "2005-05-08T22:26:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Strangelove](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5fc32e/32.png) [@Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/21 "2005-05-10T01:02:08Z")
> [@thirdwarning](#): > > … is it okay to ask, once, if you not being a mother is by choice? If that’s the total extent of the question? Because then I have a better idea of how things are for you, and maybe can be more sensitive about what I say or mention at other times. I would prefer a question like that instead of the people who ask like they’re talking about the weather. Not a week goes by without someone asking me, “When are you going to start having childern?” If they really cared, they would ask something like **thirdwarning**. But they’re not really concerned about my health, physical or emotional. They just want something to chat about, as if the state of my sexual organs makes for polite small talk. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/22 "2005-05-10T03:17:00Z")
What gets me is the ones who want to argue with me about my decision to remain childless (human ones that is - I have furbabies). I was an only child and have no experience with children. I don’t LIKE most children, especially now that teaching manners and politeness seems to have gone the way of the dinosaur. I am an intelligent, well educated woman who doesn’t think she would make a good mother. I have given this subject many years of thought. And then I hear “but if you had one you would love it”. I think that is such a load of crap. There are too many neglected, abused and murdered children in the papers each day for me to be able to fall for that one. Do I think I would abuse my child? No. Did the mothers who drowned their babies think they would abuse their children? Same answer. And as said above, it’s really not anyone’s business but mine and my husband’s, and he was very well aware of my decision before he married me. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/23 "2005-05-10T04:27:38Z")
> [@CynicalGabe](#): > > And how is not wanting children selfish? I truely don’t understand that argument. So very true. In fact, I think it’s even more selfish to have children just to have them. Being a parent is such a HUGE responsibility, so I don’t think it’s a decision people should make on a whim. Only have children if you truly WANT them. ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/24 "2005-05-10T12:23:16Z")
> [@dare\_devil007\_](#): > > Well, no one has ever asked me about my child-bearing decisions (and I seriously hope people never do.) But, I understand the frustration and anger you get from nosy people. My friend’s kind of like that. She hides her nosiness with fake concern and sympathy. “The world is full of pain. You have to talk to someone about your pain if you want it to go away.” She really did say that to me a few days ago. :rolleyes: That’s when you reply, “You mean you _want_ me to talk about you?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/25 "2005-05-10T13:38:54Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > **Not Having Children Is Selfish:** If you don’t want kids, it’s because you would rather spend the money it takes to raise a child on yourself. You’re proving to the world that you shirk responsibility. You would rather have the freedom and finances to travel at the drop of a hat, make extravagant purchases, and engage in sexual practices without worrying that “the kids might hear us”. You selfish, selfish person, you. I am selfish, hedonistic, and damn proud of it. And if I actually try to answer the OP, to complain about how many people jump down my throat about not having kids, this post will descend into unintelligible growls. Grrr… ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/26 "2005-05-10T13:40:44Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > Want kids? Knock yourself out. Don’t you mean knock yourself _up_? 😃 I couldn’t resist. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/27 "2005-05-10T13:44:24Z")
I think it’s really smart not to have kids when your wounds are still painful. I only became pregnant after a long series of healing experiences, some of them engineered & others just by sheer luck. My inner and outer life had changed 180 degrees. Were it not for those events, there’s no way I could mother these little 'uns. If you’re in a healthy place & have the resources, parenting is a huge joy alongside all the work. If you’re not and you don’t, then there’s a good chance you’ll just visit your pain on little souls who never asked for it. I think sometimes the nosiness is intended as a compliment - “Oh, you seem so nurturing, you’d be a great mother” is implied in the question. Other people are simply misery seeking company. ---
**Author:** ![DogMom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@DogMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DogMom)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/28 "2005-05-10T20:03:15Z")
> [@Snakescatlady](#): > > I am an intelligent, well educated woman who doesn’t think she would make a good mother. I have given this subject many years of thought. > > And then I hear “but if you had one you would love it”. I think that is such a load of crap. There are too many neglected, abused and murdered children in the papers each day for me to be able to fall for that one. Do I think I would abuse my child? No. Did the mothers who drowned their babies think they would abuse their children? Same answer. Good lord, are you ME? 😃 Seriously, if it hadn’t been for the fact that you’re an “only” I’d swear you were me. And what IS it with the whole “It’s different if it’s yours” bullshit? I finally put an end to that one the last time someone told me that with, “What if it’s NOT? Are YOU gonna take the thing home if I decide that nope, I was right and you were wrong, and it’s NOT different? Kids don’t come from some biological Wal-Mart, you know - I can’t TAKE IT BACK if I don’t like it. Not even if I keep the receipt.” Why do people feel _compelled_ to try to convince the child-free that they **must** start breeding immediately? ---
**Author:** ![EddyTeddyFreddy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eddyteddyfreddy/32/18796_2.png) [@EddyTeddyFreddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EddyTeddyFreddy)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/29 "2005-05-10T22:33:50Z")
> [@DogMom](#): > > Why do people feel _compelled_ to try to convince the child-free that they **must** start breeding immediately? Misery loves company. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2005, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/30 "2005-05-10T23:43:13Z")
I grew up in a loving household with two loving parents who stayed married and rarely fought. Abuse has no bearing on whether or not I’d be a good mom. I still don’t want to have kids because I’d be a terrible mom. I’d love them, and sacrifice for them, and I’d give them all the opportunities I could… but I don’t want kids, and I would resent them for being in my life. I don’t like kids, as a rule. I do want to travel and have loud sex on the kitchen floor. 😃 I will, however, spoil my brother’s kids with lavish gifts and attention. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/31 "2005-05-11T00:57:14Z")
**FilmGeek** , I think you just may be an unrelated sister to **DogMom** and I. One of my best friends daughters (who is 12) reminds me very much of myself at that age - I love her to pieces! ---
**Author:** ![thirdwarning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecccb3/32.png) [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/32 "2005-05-11T01:21:48Z")
It might be true and it might not be true that it would be different if it were yours. It still is nobody’s decision but yours, and nobody’s business to try to tell you otherwise. It doesn’t matter what the reasons for that decision are. People never seem to wonder why other people decide to **have** kids. Of course, sometimes we parents wonder ourselves. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/33 "2005-05-11T15:33:58Z")
Maybe I should have asked the idiot at Sea World who allowed her son to go for hours smelling like seal food in the warm Florida sun “What made you decide to have children?” Naaaaaaaa. My husband is a nice man. He wouldn’t let me. I, however, have a very wide streak of bitch. ---
**Author:** ![DogMom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@DogMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DogMom)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/34 "2005-05-11T16:14:32Z")
> [@FilmGeek](#): > > I still don’t want to have kids because I’d be a terrible mom. I’d love them, and sacrifice for them, and I’d give them all the opportunities I could… but I don’t want kids, and I would resent them for being in my life. I don’t like kids, as a rule. I do want to travel and have loud sex on the kitchen floor. 😃 **That’s it exactly**. My parents are wonderful people, did a great job raising us and all that - I just didn’t happen to get The Mommy Gene or something. (On a tangential note, I’ve found the kitchen floor to be a tadge on the hard side for that sort of thing and prefer the computer room floor (since it has carpeting). :D) And yes, **Snakescatlady** , I’ve occasionally been _extreeemely_ tempted to ask Nosy Person, “So tell me, exactly why did you decide to **have** kids, anyway?” Though I did stop one particularly obnoxious person from asking anymore (honestly, it was getting to almost a daily diatribe) by replying to her daily, “Why don’t you have kids?” with “because there’s not enough good meat on 'em for a couple years, at least.” :eek: went her face. Never asked again. _snicker_ I’ve also discovered that parents can be very very jealous of the fact that I’m totally unself-conscious about buying “kiddy stuff”, like Legos, Mekkanos, and kids’ movies for myself. Heh. They’ll say, “Oh, I just love that stuff - that’s one reason I had kids, so I could buy it for them and play with it.” I reply with, “That’s why I DON’T have kids - so I can afford more of it and I don’t have to fight anyone for it.” I’m such an evil bitch. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/35 "2005-05-11T17:46:31Z")
Yes, **DogMom** , we are definitely related! Hubby had to drag me out of the Lego store at Downtown Disney (couldn’t complain much, he bought me a Mickey hockey jersey earlier) and I have an outrageous stuffed animal collection. At a flea market in Fla., I found 5 cat and 2 snake beanie babies for $1 each! Now I have to add shelves to my office. ---
**Author:** ![DogMom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@DogMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DogMom)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/36 "2005-05-11T18:47:39Z")
> [@Snakescatlady](#): > > Yes, **DogMom** , we are definitely related! Hubby had to drag me out of the Lego store at Downtown Disney He got you OUT of the Lego Store? Heh. DogDad & I would still be in there. Guaranteed. > [@](#): > > and I have an outrageous stuffed animal collection. At a flea market in Fla., I found 5 cat and 2 snake beanie babies for $1 each! Now I have to add shelves to my office. COOL! Score! Though I have to admit that stuffies don’t get collected in our house. CurrentDog thinks that All Stuffies Are His, and therefore any stuffy that makes it into the house shortly becomes covered in Dog Slime. (Curiously, he **does** recognize that All Stuffies Are NOT His at my parents’ place - my mom collects them, and he thinks she’s just The Greatest Human **EVAR** so he doesn’t even THINK of going after HER stuffies.) But we DO have a bitchen collection of Pixar movies, those electric car tracks where you build a mini Indy-Speedway on the floor and put the cars on it and then hit the GO button as fast as it’ll go and the cars go around and around and around and CRASH into each other, working on the Lego collection, and a nice little collection of handheld games. That we DON’T have to share with a screaming kid. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/37 "2005-05-11T19:01:08Z")
I had a model railroad when we lived in Hawaii, and the best part was watching the cats stalk the engine and then WHAP! Derailed train. Cracked me up every time. I keep my stuffies on shelves in my office, which the cats aren’t allowed into unless I’m in there. There are also stuffies on the surfboard hanging from the ceiling. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/38 "2005-05-11T19:39:58Z")
> [@FilmGeek](#): > > I grew up in a loving household with two loving parents who stayed married and rarely fought. Abuse has no bearing on whether or not I’d be a good mom. > > I still don’t want to have kids because I’d be a terrible mom. I’d love them, and sacrifice for them, and I’d give them all the opportunities I could… but I don’t want kids, and I would resent them for being in my life. I don’t like kids, as a rule. I do want to travel and have loud sex on the kitchen floor. 😃 > > I will, however, spoil my brother’s kids with lavish gifts and attention. Just for reference, kids spending a week at grandma’s house solves both those problems. I mean, if that were the ONLY thing holding you back. Breeding decisions (and adoption decisions) are highly personal and none of anyone’s business other than the people you have sex with or who you’d expect to help you parent. BTW, back when I was infertile I didn’t mind the “Tell me if the question is none of my business, but I’m wondering if you are childless by choice or circumstance” question for the very reason you asked. It generally meant “hey, if you are struggling with infertility, I want to edit myself while I describe every detail of my pregnancy to my other coworkers.” ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/39 "2005-05-11T19:43:45Z")
Someone around here had some hilarious retorts for the stupid “Why” or “Why not” children questions. Those sounded like they’d stop the inquirers in their tracks. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [May 11, 2005, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972/40 "2005-05-11T19:56:04Z")
> [@](#): > > **DogMom** said: > That’s it exactly. My parents are wonderful people, did a great job raising us and all that - I just didn’t happen to get The Mommy Gene or something. I don’t have that gene either, and my parents weren’t bad parents. A bit over protective and too interested in using me as their little racehorse, but all in all they were OK. People ask me about my biological clock and I tell them that it came ‘batteries not included’. > [@](#): > > Breeding decisions (and adoption decisions) are highly personal and none of anyone’s business other than the people you have sex with or who you’d expect to help you parent. Ex-boyfriend’s parents made it extremely clear to me once that they expected us to get married and me to quit working and start popping out grandkids for them. I told 'em that if they wanted more babies so badly, they oughta adopt a hundred or so. People are too goddamn nosy about other people’s reproduction. Although sometimes people volunteer far too much information about their reproduction. Like the time someone blurted out in the employee kitchen something about a mucus plug. No, really, it’s OK. I wasn’t that hungry. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-pity-nosy-people/302972.md?page=3)