# I Prepare to Kill. So Much for ''Never Again'' **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [July 10, 2008, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934 "2008-07-10T02:56:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/21 "2008-07-10T07:56:57Z")
[QUOTE=Mighty\_Girl] Any chance for a diplomatic solution? [/QUOTE] Good idea. Get all the groundhogs out for a peace conference, set them at a little groundhog round table - and then mow the fuckers down. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/22 "2008-07-10T08:42:59Z")
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**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/23 "2008-07-10T09:36:37Z")
Gasoline. Its the only way. Read _Once An Eagle_, pages 902-910 in my copy. Those groundhogs will never surrender and they will not meet you in open combat. Remember, the end justifies the means. ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/24 "2008-07-10T10:24:40Z")
Any chance that these are Neoconservative groundhogs angry about your waterboarding exposé? Because if that’s the case then you should give Chris Hitchens fair warning – if you don’t manage to close the deal, he’s probably their next target. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/25 "2008-07-10T12:36:07Z")
\<\\> Just as you thought you’d gotten out, they drag you back in again… ---
**Author:** ![THespos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8c91f0/32.png) [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/26 "2008-07-10T12:38:33Z")
[QUOTE=Scylla] I oiled my humane traps. Tomorrow I will bait them with corn. I will drown every one that I catch. [/QUOTE] And where are the INhumane traps?!?! I mean, drowning is too good for Evil Nazi Groundhogs. They fucking chewed through your brake lines, man. How much more do they have to do in order to show you that _it’s on_? Clearly they’ve demonstrated they’re willing to travel distances in order to fuck you up and make it look like an accident. You need further prodding to go all 'Nam on their furry asses? Pussy. I’ll accept nothing short of Carl Spackler-style Total War. Sniper rifles. Fire hoses. Plastic explosives. I also expect full accounts posted to this thread no later than 0900 EDT Monday morning for entertainment purposes. Good luck, soldier. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/27 "2008-07-10T12:46:28Z")
[QUOTE=Scylla] I cleaned my trusty .22… [/QUOTE] Which immediately brought [this](http://pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF050-An_End_to_Gopher_Trouble.gif) to mind. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/28 "2008-07-10T12:55:04Z")
Of course, Scylla’s terrifying experience is our gain. I can’t wait for an update. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/29 "2008-07-10T13:00:44Z")
[QUOTE=Left Hand of Dorkness] Propane. Match. Just sayin. [/QUOTE] Michael Pollan described a “final solution” like this in one of his books. He poured gasoline down the groundhog’s burrow and lit a match. The resulting flames came roaring out at him (he hadn’t counted on fire seeking the most available oxygen, which was at the mouth of the burrow, not deep in the ground). I think something got singed. I can loan **Scylla** our trusty groundhog huntress, Bessie the Labrador. She had a memorable encounter with one of the whistle pigs awhile back, recounted to me by Mrs. J. After a tense standoff marked by groundhog chittering and raised fur on the Labrador’s back, the groundhog’s nerve broke and it ran for cover, pursued by Bessie who administered a stern chomp on its butt. It got away, but for months afterward Bessie went back to the spot of the battle to reminisce, sort of like former Union soldiers returning to Gettysburg. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/30 "2008-07-10T13:23:48Z")
Be careful in open combat. They’ve been known to hurl wooden projectiles. Supposedly they can chuck so much wood that nobody knows how many chucks they can chuck. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/31 "2008-07-10T13:39:36Z")
[QUOTE=THespos] I’ll accept nothing short of Carl Spackler-style Total War. Sniper rifles. Fire hoses. Plastic explosives. [/QUOTE] Taking the lead groundhog into the basement and bricking him up behind a false wall might scare any survivors into backing off. Remember that, **Scylla** - you’ve got to leave one alive so it can tell the others about you. ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/32 "2008-07-10T14:10:42Z")
They’re coming to get you, Barb’ra… ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/33 "2008-07-10T14:11:59Z")
For Og’s sake, make sure PETA isn’t around while you do this. I propose a variety of methods. You don’t want those things learning to adapt. BTW, does your car insurance cover damage by wildlife? ---
**Author:** ![FarmerChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a9a28c/32.png) [@FarmerChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FarmerChick)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/34 "2008-07-10T14:16:16Z")
I live on a farm, we have gophers, my farmer neighbours too. This year they seem to be overabundant. Last month I had a BBQ and had family and neighbours over and the discussion turned to the problem we are all having with the damn gophers. My 75 yr old mother piped up and stated when she was younger they used to take a hose and chase them out of their holes and then kill them as they popped up. Well, the kids and the younger men thought that was a fine idea to try, so they went in the side yard (it’s about 4-5 acres, tons of gophers) armed with baseball bats and golf clubs. Once everyone had positioned themselves by a hole, the hose was inserted in a gopher hole and turned on. Within 30 seconds gophers were popping up and bats and clubs were swinging! 3 minutes later, there were 5 or 6 dead gophers. The farmers were cheering, the town folks were horrified! Moral is, use a hose and farm kids, you will kill a ton. Keep the city folks away, they tend to be squeamish. 😉🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Oredigger77](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/oredigger77/32/3181_2.png) [@Oredigger77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oredigger77)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/35 "2008-07-10T14:37:35Z")
[QUOTE=Left Hand of Dorkness] As part of a class, I once visited an apple orchard, where the farmer was having troubles with voles: he’d plant an acre of saplings, come back the next day and find the roots had all been eaten away. He was trying to grow organic, so his poison options were limited, but he told us about one control measure he’d tried. He’d gotten some propane tanks and piped it into the tunnels, then lit a match. In theory, the voles wouldn’t die from burning: they’d die from the shockwave. [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Jackmannii] Michael Pollan described a “final solution” like this in one of his books. He poured gasoline down the groundhog’s burrow and lit a match. The resulting flames came roaring out at him (he hadn’t counted on fire seeking the most available oxygen, which was at the mouth of the burrow, not deep in the ground). I think something got singed. [/QUOTE] A great way to solve this problem is to barrow a welder’s equipment and pump acetylene and oxygen down the burrows wait a couple of min and then light with a striker. The explosion should at least partially collapse the burrow then you can move to the end of the destruction and pump in more I’ve never seen it take more then a couple of attempts. [Bill Murry] Don’t drive angry. Don’t drive angry. [/Bill Murry] ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/36 "2008-07-10T14:44:00Z")
> [@](#): > > War is a bloody, killing business. You’ve got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the belly. Shoot them in the guts. When shells are hitting all around you and you wipe the dirt off your face and realize that instead of dirt it’s the blood and guts of what once was your best friend beside you, you’ll know what to do! > > I don’t want to get any messages saying, ‘I am holding my position.’ We are not holding a Goddamned thing. Let the Germans do that. We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemy’s balls. We are going to twist his balls and kick the living shit out of him all of the time. Our basic plan of operation is to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through him like crap through a goose; like shit through a tin horn! George Patton knew about groundhogs. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/37 "2008-07-10T14:51:54Z")
[QUOTE=Mighty\_Girl] Any chance for a diplomatic solution? [/QUOTE] You’re new here, aren’tcha? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/38 "2008-07-10T14:56:12Z")
Just foster a rescued greyhound and let him out regularly. You’ll see them disappear pretty quickly. ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/39 "2008-07-10T15:39:46Z")
[Carl Spackler] To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They’re like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that’s all she wrote. [/CS] Go to it, Soldier! ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2008, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934/40 "2008-07-10T16:12:31Z")
[QUOTE=Oredigger77] A great way to solve this problem is to barrow a welder’s equipment and pump acetylene and oxygen down the burrows wait a couple of min and then light with a striker. [/QUOTE] Why not use a weapon designed for the purpose? I give you…[The Rodenator.](http://www.rodenator.com/) They don’t specifically mention groundhogs, but maybe they’ll sell you an upgrade that works all the way up through deer and noisy neighbors. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-prepare-to-kill-so-much-for-never-again/455934.md?page=3)