# I shall attend an awkward dinner tonight (friend introduces her new BF she left her hubby for) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 25, 2014, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529 "2014-03-25T15:53:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/81 "2014-03-26T15:27:10Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Well, as I said after my ill-fated marriage; “If you ignore the sea of red flags to be in a relationship with someone, you will be beaten with every single one of those red flags on your way out the door.” I’ve heard that and like that saying. [hijack/]When I mentioned to my friend to get a pre-nup if she married him, she said that no way is she going to get married. So bullet dodged. For now.[/back to the show] ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/82 "2014-03-26T15:46:49Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > Nice people don’t engage in that kind of behaviour, pretty much by definition, IMHO. You saved me a whole bunch of typing - this is it, in a nutshell. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/83 "2014-03-26T16:16:44Z")
I was afraid of that. She would never have ended up in this situation if he weren’t charming. Although it’s entirely possible that her soon-to-be-ex husband is less naive and innocent than many of us are assuming. Just please be as circumspect as possible in your support of all this, and make up your mind to be there for her if it all falls apart. If I’m right in my guess about this guy, you will soon find yourself liking him best of all the folks in the situation, and strangely supporting him against your friend. Watch for it. ---
**Author:** ![smaje1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@smaje1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smaje1)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/84 "2014-03-26T16:38:45Z")
Sorry for the delay, folks. I’m on the west coast. OK, here goes… K and P arrive – K hugs me, but P shakes my hand. (Good. I was so afraid he was going to try to hug me.) K’s sister and her sister’s friend join us (the sister’s friend was an unexpected but very welcome addition to the table). K was glowing; P was quiet at first (I imagine he was trying to gauge the situation). We kept conversation realllllly light for a while (mostly just we four girls talking) and then things got a little more comfortable. I wasn’t able to get answers to ALL your questions, my friends, but here are the bullet points I do know: -P had actually flown into town to drive with K as she moved to his state. They left this morning. -They seemed to be pretty deeply in love. Nothing too demonstrative, but hand holding, thigh touching, etc. -They acknowledge that the whole situation is weird. P does indeed plan to take a year to move out. -Mrs. P knows about K (that they’re lovers) but I don’t know if she knows that K is moving to her city. P (shamefacedly) admitted that Mrs. P does not know he was going on this little road trip with K. -P’s 2 kids know that K is their dad’s “friend” (they’ve never met) but they do not know that they are having an affair. When P got up at some point to go to the bathroom, I leaned across the table and told K I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t ask her now, is this really what she wants to do? Does she realize there’s a chance this could all fall apart? K seemed happy that I was concerned, but reassured me that she’s going into this with eyes wide open. There was no talk about K’s daughter or husband. My take away: I have no idea if it’s going to work out between the two of them, but they seem very much in love. P was neither charming nor smooth – he seemed like a genuinely nice, intelligent guy. As someone mentioned upthread, I just couldn’t imagine abandoning my children, even if I was super duper duper duper in love with someone in another state–this is where I (and I believe, most of her friends) have simply had to bite our tongues, because K honestly thinks her daughter will come out of this a-ok. (side note – my parents fought like cats and dogs as I was growing up, and I distinctly recall several times \*begging \*my mom to leave him. She stayed with him, because she wanted to keep the family together. Now they are miserable old people living together. She won’t leave him now because he’s old and sick.) I have no idea why Mrs. P is “ok” with this situation, but I don’t know all the facts. I do believe that if P loves K so much, he should be willing to leave his family, just as she did. He is definitely getting the better deal here. He says he’ll leave them eventually, but…you know…no matter how nice the guy is, that could be a lie. But I don’t think that K for a moment suspects it’s a lie. And a year is a long time. But the good thing is, K is really determined to make a life for herself in this new town. She already has a new job that she’s excited about. And she was so happy that I came to the dinner. I think she really appreciated the support, and that’s the main reason why I wanted to go. So that’s that. I’m sure I’ll get updates from her, and I wish her the best of luck. Thanks to all of you for being my sounding board on this. Honestly, my husband doesn’t want to hear about it (and I can imagine it might be tough for him that one of my good friends is having an affair and leaving her husband – perhaps he thinks some of the crazy will rub off on me). And my stomach was in knots yesterday, fretting about the dinner, and talking about all this really helped. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/85 "2014-03-26T16:40:29Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > Oh, lord help me. I’ll give the full run down tomorrow when I’m at an actual keyboard, but the guy was really nice. And K was super happy. Oh, boy… I may have been wrong about this one. Enabler! 😛 ETA: read your last post - no good will come of this, for anyone. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/86 "2014-03-26T16:45:36Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > Well, as I said after my ill-fated marriage; “If you ignore the sea of red flags to be in a relationship with someone, you will be beaten with every single one of those red flags on your way out the door.” OMG. I just spit coffee all over my keyboard! So funny and, I know from personal experience, so true. Thanks for the laugh.😃 ---
**Author:** ![rocking\_chair](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocking_chair/32/2918_2.png) [@rocking\_chair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rocking_chair)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/87 "2014-03-26T16:57:24Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Wait… who’s L.? is it telling that i figured “l” was who “p” ended up with after “k”? i’m glad to read that the dinner went well. i’m not quite getting why p and his family need a year, while k and her family don’t. as a cross the i’s and dot the t’s type of person, let me know when your divorce is final, you are set up in your new single life, then perhaps we talk about a relationship. until then you are not available. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/88 "2014-03-26T17:18:42Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > Sorry for the delay, folks. I’m on the west coast. > > OK, here goes… > > K and P arrive – K hugs me, but P shakes my hand. (Good. I was so afraid he was going to try to hug me.) Yeah, that was worry that was holding me back on all this too! The handshake rather than the hug was the dealmaker! > [@smaje1](#): > > K seemed happy that I was concerned, but reassured me that she’s going into this with eyes wide open. Her thighs are also wide open. Hey, somebody had to say it. > [@smaje1](#): > > There was no talk about K’s daughter or husband. Well, that would have been awesomely awkward. > [@smaje1](#): > > As someone mentioned upthread, I just couldn’t imagine abandoning my children… Whoa! Slow down there. Have you thought about what pains in the ass they are lately? This statement makes you seem, well, human, and not like some feral cat in heat. > [@smaje1](#): > > I have no idea why Mrs. P is “ok” with this situation, but I don’t know all the facts. Maybe Mr & Mrs P are polygamists, and K can join the family! Or more likely, Mrs P isn’t okay with it or doesn’t know. > [@smaje1](#): > > I do believe that if P loves K so much, he should be willing to leave his family, just as she did. He is definitely getting the better deal here. He says he’ll leave them eventually, but…you know…no matter how nice the guy is, that could be a lie. But I don’t think that K for a moment suspects it’s a lie. And a year is a long time. He has no intention of leaving his family. He is getting K to move across country to a new place where she will be socially dependent on him, having burned all her social bridges before moving. A man who cheats on his wife (either openly or in secret) with the intention of breaking up his family and breaks up another family, with a child, across the country and convinces the bimbo to move across country to be his mistress is not a nice guy, he is a narcissistic monster. Kudos to you for not slapping her silly during the entire event or being really judgmental like I’m being. This is about as close to that train wreck as I could possibly get without some sort of really nasty contribution. P and K do not bring out the best in me. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Ektar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Captain\_Ektar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Ektar)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/89 "2014-03-26T17:36:34Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > K was glowing; > > -They seemed to be pretty deeply in love. Nothing too demonstrative, but hand holding, thigh touching, etc. I mean we all have our own ways of seeing things, but what you are describing sounds to me like affection. This is when someone else makes us feel happy. I think of true love as almost the opposite - being willing to tolerate unhappiness for someone else’s benefit. Long-term, I think a willingness to keep promises, endure difficult seasons of life, and work on changing oneself lead to the most profound love relationships. Short term it is easier to follow your heart, live in the moment, and do what makes you happy. And that’s not even to mention the impact on children in all this. > [@smaje1](#): > > (side note – my parents fought like cats and dogs as I was growing up, and I distinctly recall several times \*begging \*my mom to leave him. She stayed with him, because she wanted to keep the family together. Now they are miserable old people living together. She won’t leave him now because he’s old and sick.) I say, it’s very hard to really love people we have never fought with, disagreed with, or been burdened by. It sounds like your mother truly loves your father, and yourself, whatever other faults she may have. ---
**Author:** ![smaje1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@smaje1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smaje1)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/90 "2014-03-26T17:51:20Z")
> [@Puddleglumm](#): > > I mean we all have our own ways of seeing things, but what you are describing sounds to me like affection. This is when someone else makes us feel happy. I think of true love as almost the opposite - being willing to tolerate unhappiness for someone else’s benefit. Long-term, I think a willingness to keep promises, endure difficult seasons of life, and work on changing oneself lead to the most profound love relationships. Short term it is easier to follow your heart, live in the moment, and do what makes you happy. And that’s not even to mention the impact on children in all this. > I say, it’s very hard to really love people we have never fought with, disagreed with, or been burdened by.\*\* It sounds like your mother truly loves your father, and yourself, whatever other faults she may have\*\*. (bolding mine) Puddleglumm, I appreciate your insight, but assuming that my mother truly loves my father just because she never left him is ridiculous. I grew up with these folks, and there is no love there. There is tolerance. There is familiarity. There is no love. And because I grew up with parents like that (who did not love each other), I thought that’s what all relationships were supposed to be like. Lucky for me, I found a man who was completely opposite from my parents in all ways, and is very loving and demonstrative. I lucked out. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Ektar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Captain\_Ektar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Ektar)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/91 "2014-03-26T18:04:16Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > (bolding mine) > > Puddleglumm, I appreciate your insight, but assuming that my mother truly loves my father just because she never left him is ridiculous. I grew up with these folks, and there is no love there. There is tolerance. There is familiarity. There is no love. And because I grew up with parents like that (who did not love each other), I thought that’s what all relationships were supposed to be like. Lucky for me, I found a man who was completely opposite from my parents in all ways, and is very loving and demonstrative. I lucked out. Of course, I should have added the caveat that I only knew two sentences of your parents story. I’m sorry to hear about the lack of warmth and affection in your family growing up - that would certainly be hard and it’s good to know that pattern isn’t being repeated. And I apologize if I came off as presumptuous. With that said, I do want to insist that whatever emotional problems and relational dysfunctions there may be, someone sticking with and caring for their spouse who is old and sick is a profound act of love. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/92 "2014-03-26T18:11:43Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > Mrs. P does not know he was going on this little road trip with K. Wow. Mrs. P knows he’s cheating on her and he STILL has to lie about it? ---
**Author:** ![smaje1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@smaje1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smaje1)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/93 "2014-03-26T18:29:30Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Wow. > > Mrs. P knows he’s cheating on her and he STILL has to lie about it? Yeahhhhh… that’s why I’m thinking she doesn’t \*really \*know about it. I suppose only P knows the real answer to that one. And if she doesn’t really know…well, that sucks. I really do wish K and P had both obtained official divorces before beginning a relationship, but those are my wishes, not their, apparently. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/94 "2014-03-26T18:35:15Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > -They seemed to be pretty deeply in love. Nothing too demonstrative, but hand holding, thigh touching, etc. More likely that’s infatuation. > [@](#): > > P does indeed plan to take a year to move out. Did he share any details of how he going to implement this plan? A year makes no sense as a time frame. > [@](#): > > -Mrs. P knows about K (that they’re lovers) but I don’t know if she knows that K is moving to her city. P (shamefacedly) admitted that Mrs. P does not know he was going on this little road trip with K. So Mrs. P is not “okay” with their affair, or he would have told her where he was going. > [@](#): > > -P’s 2 kids know that K is their dad’s “friend” (they’ve never met) but they do not know that they are having an affair. They know. > [@](#): > > K seemed happy that I was concerned, but reassured me that she’s going into this with eyes wide open…K honestly thinks her daughter will come out of this a-ok. Both P and K seem quite adept at telling themselves and each other the lies that they want to hear and the lies they think other people want to hear. > [@](#): > > P was neither charming nor smooth – he seemed like a genuinely nice, intelligent guy. He was charming. He may not have been unctuous, but he was smooth for sure. You walked in to the dinner thinking he was a scumbag and you walked out thinking he was a good guy. People who are really good at manipulating others can do it and leave the other person quite sure they haven’t been manipulated. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/95 "2014-03-26T18:36:10Z")
> [@Puddleglumm](#): > > With that said, I do want to insist that whatever emotional problems and relational dysfunctions there may be, someone sticking with and caring for their spouse who is old and sick is a profound act of love. Sometimes, it’s an ultimate act of revenge. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/96 "2014-03-26T18:37:09Z")
Ok, guys, bets on how long before the OP has to hear the \*"OMG, P is not leaving his wife and I cuckolded my husband and gave up my daughter for him \* story? I say…8 months. Place your bets. ---
**Author:** ![Deeg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deeg/32/2955_2.png) [@Deeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deeg)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/97 "2014-03-26T18:44:52Z")
It’s going to take longer than a year because it won’t be obvious until then. I’ll add that this could work out. Some acquaintances of mine once went through a very similar situation (even worse, though, was that Mrs. P was dying of cancer at the time). The cheating wife married her P (and got custody of the children) and as far as I know they’re still together (I haven’t bothered to check in a while). K and P are jerks but sometimes even jerks are happy. ---
**Author:** ![smaje1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@smaje1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smaje1)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/98 "2014-03-26T18:45:46Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Sometimes, it’s an ultimate act of revenge. 😃 I’ve thought a lot about my dad’s eventual funeral – I guarantee you my mom will be dancing on his grave. ---
**Author:** ![UncleRojelio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unclerojelio/32/3160_2.png) [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/99 "2014-03-26T18:51:28Z")
This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it. ---
**Author:** ![Athabasca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Athabasca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athabasca)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/100 "2014-03-26T19:04:50Z")
At least, if it does work out for K and P, they will be making 2 people miserable instead of four… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529.md?page=6)