# I shall attend an awkward dinner tonight (friend introduces her new BF she left her hubby for) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 25, 2014, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529 "2014-03-25T15:53:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/101 "2014-03-26T19:09:02Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > …Honestly, my husband doesn’t want to hear about it (and I can imagine it might be tough for him that one of my good friends is having an affair and leaving her husband – perhaps he thinks some of the crazy will rub off on me)… It sounds to me like some of it already has. ---
**Author:** ![smaje1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@smaje1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smaje1)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/102 "2014-03-26T19:14:56Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > It sounds to me like some of it already has. Oh, please do go on… ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/103 "2014-03-26T19:31:48Z")
> [@Athabasca](#): > > At least, if it does work out for K and P, they will be making 2 people miserable instead of four… Don’t forget about all the kids involved - it sounds more like six people will be miserable. I wanted to say, of course they looked happy - they’re basting in all the good chemicals that come with infatuation and the early stages of a relationship. That’s probably also helping her ignore the consequences of the things she’s doing on her children and The Douche’s children (I don’t love what she and he are doing to their spouses, either, but the children have no say in anything). ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/104 "2014-03-26T19:46:25Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > I’ve thought a lot about my dad’s eventual funeral – I guarantee you my mom will be dancing on his grave. They’ll each hang on as long as possible just to deny the other the pleasure. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/105 "2014-03-26T20:26:34Z")
> [@UncleRojelio](#): > > This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it. I laughed out loud at this. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/106 "2014-03-26T21:13:36Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Ok, guys, bets on how long before the OP has to hear the \*"OMG, P is not leaving his wife and I cuckolded my husband and gave up my daughter for him \* story? > > I say…8 months. > Place your bets. Dude, you’re like 60 posts too late. But you can take the under on split-up time. > [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](#): > > Add me to the chorus of people expecting a full report. > > And the **Happy Scrappy Prop Bet Division** sets the following over/under props: > > Boyfriend’s wife’s awareness level: “my man’s new friend;” > > Boyfriend cheats on side piece: 4 months. “It’s already occurring” pays out 3 to 2. > > Boyfriend and side piece split up- fifteen months. > > Place your bets! I can’t bet before I find out whether the Douche/K split has to be permanent to pay out. My prediction is she dumps him after say 8 months, then finds herself alone in a strange city and talks herself into going back. Also, does it count as ‘cheating on side piece’ if P is actually still porking Mrs. P? If so, I’m figuring 3:2 payout is pretty good odds on that… ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/107 "2014-03-26T21:18:52Z")
> [@UncleRojelio](#): > > This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it. The only way to move cross-country is to strip down a helicopter and turn it into a flying gas tank. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2014, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/108 "2014-03-26T22:48:57Z")
The one year of acclimatisation is P’s way of buying time while he decides what to do. He may not even be conscious of this motivation. In short, if we’re being generous, his hormones are telling him to run off with K, but some part of him knows it’s not the right thing to do, and that it may not even last. _P isn’t convinced K’s the right person for him_–that’s how I read this. P is dithering and screwing with the heads of everyone involved because of it–this is very selfish behaviour. He needs to shit or get off the pot. At this point he’ll hurt _someone_ no matter which decision he’s making (and he knows it, hence his paralysis), but he’s hurting everyone in his indecision. Love isn’t holding hands. It’s caring about the other person’s wellbeing and actively avoiding hurting them unnecessarily. K and P are not “in love”–they’re children playing at being grownups and failing miserably. ---
**Author:** ![Athabasca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Athabasca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Athabasca)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/109 "2014-03-27T00:13:29Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > The only way to move cross-country is to strip down a helicopter and turn it into a flying gas tank. Is it time to nuke them from outer space yet? Oops, wrong movie… ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/110 "2014-03-27T02:11:01Z")
Maybe your friend wants to get away from her life and is just jumping on an excuse to do so? Even if things don’t work out with her married paramour, some people just crave a fresh start every few years. Don’t assume he’s manipulating her into this. Maybe he wanted to wait and \*she’s \*the one who did the convincing… you can’t know unless you were there when they agreed on the arrangement. Not that it matters, she’s still a shitty person. No matter her reasoning, I would not likely continue being friends with a woman who was so willing to walk out on her husband and kid. The whole situation makes me think she’s pulling an Opalcat, tbh. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/111 "2014-03-27T02:20:06Z")
It is possible that this is a really nice guy. Such a nice guy that he can’t leave his wife quite YET, and can’t tell his girlfriend that he might never get around to it. Such a nice guy that he’ll realize that his children don’t deserve this. In short, one of those conflict avoiding people who needs everyone around him to feel good - and therefore will try to ride this out, keeping everyone happy, until the spectacular blowup. And if he is a really nice guy - when that happens, he’ll choose his kids over his own happiness. ---
**Author:** ![a35362](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@a35362](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/a35362)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/112 "2014-03-27T03:51:09Z")
How long have K and P been together? Six months? Two? I’m not sure I feel any sympathy for K’s husband if he can use the c-word to describe her. That is what I call an “Unforgivable Curse.” (tiny Harry Potter joke, there) Maybe K’s husband is a creep who has been making her miserable. Taking up with the babysitter is another point not in his favor. “Oh, yeah? I’ll show you, b\*tch!” How old is K’s daughter? Six? Eleven? Sixteen? How old are P’s kids? Maybe P’s wife is a trophy wife with nowhere to go. Maybe she’s an airhead. Maybe she’s awful and makes his life hell. Maybe she’s a materialistic schemer. Maybe P wants to wait a year because he’s done this before and he knows the relationship won’t last that long. Then the story will be that “K broke my heart” and he won’t be the bad guy (to anyone who’s still paying attention at that point). As someone else noted, maybe he’s already got _another_ woman on the side and he has to keep the wife and the two girlfriends away from one another. **Dangerosa** , I really like your post. I like the idea that he’s really this super-passive guy who wants it all but can’t control anything and doesn’t deserve any of it. Don’t you see? He’s not the bad guy, here! Really! He just wants to make everybody happy! I am not convinced that this is just well-intentioned but stupid infatuation. I still think it’s P trying to use K for as much as he can get. He’s on an ego trip. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/113 "2014-03-27T10:54:42Z")
> [@a35362](#): > > How long have K and P been together? Six months? Two? > > I’m not sure I feel any sympathy for K’s husband if he can use the c-word to describe her. That is what I call an “Unforgivable Curse.” (tiny Harry Potter joke, there) > > Maybe K’s husband is a creep who has been making her miserable. Taking up with the babysitter is another point not in his favor. “Oh, yeah? I’ll show you, b\*tch!” > > How old is K’s daughter? Six? Eleven? Sixteen? How old are P’s kids? > > Maybe P’s wife is a trophy wife with nowhere to go. Maybe she’s an airhead. Maybe she’s awful and makes his life hell. Maybe she’s a materialistic schemer. > > Maybe P wants to wait a year because he’s done this before and he knows the relationship won’t last that long. Then the story will be that “K broke my heart” and he won’t be the bad guy (to anyone who’s still paying attention at that point). > > As someone else noted, maybe he’s already got _another_ woman on the side and he has to keep the wife and the two girlfriends away from one another. > > **Dangerosa** , I really like your post. I like the idea that he’s really this super-passive guy who wants it all but can’t control anything and doesn’t deserve any of it. Don’t you see? He’s not the bad guy, here! Really! He just wants to make everybody happy! > > I am not convinced that this is just well-intentioned but stupid infatuation. I still think it’s P trying to use K for as much as he can get. He’s on an ego trip. Sounds like **AK84** was correct when he said, > [@AK84](#): > > Man cheats it’s his fault. Woman cheats, it’s also his fault. If a man left his wife and child to move across the country to live near a married woman, dopers would be falling over each other to condemn and vilify him. No one would mince words; he’d be called every name in the book. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/114 "2014-03-27T11:58:02Z")
> [@a35362](#): > > I’m not sure I feel any sympathy for K’s husband if he can use the c-word to describe her. That is what I call an “Unforgivable Curse.” (tiny Harry Potter joke, there) > > Maybe K’s husband is a creep who has been making her miserable. Taking up with the babysitter is another point not in his favor. “Oh, yeah? I’ll show you, b\*tch!” If he’s a creep who’s been making her miserable, the decent thing to do, when she planned on running off to another state to be with the guy she was cheating on her husband with is to at least show a tiny bit of concern over the welfare of her kids in his (and maybe-Mrs-to-be Babysitter’s) hands. Or maybe even, you know, petition for physical custody and try take them along. Not be all ‘lolz, daughter thinks it’s awesome to ride on a plane, she wants me to move out, isn’t that great?’ Yeah, I’m a woman, but I don’t see any particular fowl in her ex calling her a cunt for cheating on him and basically abandoning the kids with him. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/115 "2014-03-27T18:29:40Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > Sounds like **AK84** was correct when he said, > If a man left his wife and child to move across the country to live near a married woman, dopers would be falling over each other to condemn and vilify him. No one would mince words; he’d be called every name in the book. The vast majority of posters in this thread have condemned her. ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/116 "2014-03-27T19:35:39Z")
So, how was the food? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/117 "2014-03-27T19:36:42Z")
> [@a35362](#): > > **Dangerosa** , I really like your post. I like the idea that he’s really this super-passive guy who wants it all but can’t control anything and doesn’t deserve any of it. Don’t you see? He’s not the bad guy, here! Really! He just wants to make everybody happy! I’ve had some experience. My first husband had an incredible capacity to love - and really didn’t get why we couldn’t all be happy together…He wasn’t evil - he just was more interested in short term pleasure than long term consequences and avoided conflict. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/118 "2014-03-27T20:38:10Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > The one year of acclimatisation is P’s way of buying time while he decides what to do. He may not even be conscious of this motivation. In short, if we’re being generous, his hormones are telling him to run off with K, but some part of him knows it’s not the right thing to do, and that it may not even last. _P isn’t convinced K’s the right person for him_–that’s how I read this. > > P is dithering and screwing with the heads of everyone involved because of it–this is very selfish behaviour. > > He needs to shit or get off the pot. At this point he’ll hurt _someone_ no matter which decision he’s making (and he knows it, hence his paralysis), but he’s hurting everyone in his indecision. > > Love isn’t holding hands. It’s caring about the other person’s wellbeing and actively avoiding hurting them unnecessarily. K and P are not “in love”–they’re children playing at being grownups and failing miserably. This is well put and speaks right to what rankles me about P. If you find love outside of your marriage, have the decency to end the marriage first and THEN go be all giggles and holding hands. Otherwise you are crapping in both beds and will soon find yourself with nowhere to sleep. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2014, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/119 "2014-03-27T22:19:53Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > So, how was the food? Now we get to the heart of the matter. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2014, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529/120 "2014-03-28T04:01:53Z")
> [@xizor](#): > > This is well put and speaks right to what rankles me about P. If you find love outside of your marriage, have the decency to end the marriage first and THEN go be all giggles and holding hands. Otherwise you are crapping in both beds and will soon find yourself with nowhere to sleep. And if you have kids in that first marriage, you have small human beings other than yourself to consider. That’s the biggest problem I’m having with Kay and The Douche; not all marriages work out, and getting a divorce and finding new love isn’t necessarily a Bad Thing. The way these two are doing things, though, almost seems designed to inflict maximum damage on other people (including all the kids). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-shall-attend-an-awkward-dinner-tonight-friend-introduces-her-new-bf-she-left-her-hubby-for/684529.md?page=7)