# I Suck at relationships **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 10, 2003, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631 "2003-10-10T06:16:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/1 "2003-10-10T06:16:56Z")
Well this should be a classic BBQ rant. I suck with women More specifically a woman. I don’t know. I’ve been quasi courting her for 3 years. We went out once but I was going through some other shit and it tanked. Now recently we tried again, but again it tanked, and for some reason I feel I am to blame. The day after we decided to go out I think we both weren’t comfortable being in a public place together. I hate it though! I tried so hard and all I end up doing is making both of us feel awkward. She’s a really good person and we both have a passion for what we do. I feel like I’ll never find another person like that again. And even If I did I would fucking blow it somehow. ANd now I see all my other firends entering stable fulfilling relationships and I ask myself why I haven’t had one yet. I am 21 as well. Has anyone else had this problem? Misery loves company ---
**Author:** ![fushj00mang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d26b3c/32.png) [@fushj00mang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fushj00mang)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/2 "2003-10-10T07:02:52Z")
Bro, I, about three hours ago, said goodbye to the woman who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. No details, but I feel you. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 7:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/3 "2003-10-10T07:32:44Z")
Don’t we ALL suck at relationships??? ---
**Author:** ![Ryle\_Dup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Ryle\_Dup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ryle_Dup)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/4 "2003-10-10T07:46:00Z")
No, not me, it’s just you three. I’m not in denial… I’m not in denial… ---
**Author:** ![RobuSensei](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/919ad9/32.png) [@RobuSensei](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RobuSensei)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 8:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/5 "2003-10-10T08:08:00Z")
Well, about four hours ago, I…I, ah…I don’t want to talk about it… er, um. ah, go look [here.](http://www.wizard.net/~joelogon/platonic/) (cue sound of running feet, door slamming) ---
**Author:** ![county](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ce7236/32.png) [@county](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/county)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/6 "2003-10-10T10:01:07Z")
Well, what I did was just keep having relationships the best I could - some people quit trying or won’t try and those are usually some unhappy motherfuckers. ---
**Author:** ![dwc1970](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/7 "2003-10-10T13:22:44Z")
I gave up on dating for good. Life’s never been better. No more lying, cheating and deception. No more waiting for the phone to ring. No more having to feel that I must prove that I love her. No more having to spend extra money on her that I can’t always afford. And best of all, no more buying any of that red and pink teddy bear heart-shaped shit the stores like to peddle around Valentine’s Day to insecure saps like myself who do so out of fear that their sweetie will reject them otherwise (not that this ever seemed to work anyway). At least you went three years before the breakup. I’ve only dated a few times, and when I have it only lasted a few months. Every time the breakup is about to take place it’s introduced with something along the lines of, “I think we need to start seeing other people”, “I’ve found someone else”, “I’ve decided to go back to my ex”, etc. As the discussion continues she tells me, “it’s not you, it’s me”, “we’re just not right for each other”, “there are _plenty_ of women who’d love to be with you, I’m just not one of them”, and don’t forget the classic, “we can still be friends.” I got so sick of hearing these stock phrases that most women seem to know. I know I’m not too good with the opposite sex, and it seems that my gentlemanly nice-guy approach isn’t the way to do it, as others have stated in other threads on this board, but I don’t know of any other ways to do it. I know I’m jaded and I’m cynical when it comes to dating, but being that I am 33, I’ve had enough disappointments and rejections to feel justified in my feelings and to proclaim that I am not compatible with anyone. You’re only 21, so people are going to tell you that you’re still young, and there’s lots of time to find “the right one”, and of course, “there are lots of fish in the sea” (yeah, well, I must not have the right bait then, whatever). Just keep in mind that while the people who tell you these things usually have good intentions and are trying to keep your spirits up, always be prepared for the possibility that your life may not turn out this way and you may never marry or even meet the woman of your dreams. I know this may not sound too encouraging, but I’d just rather present what I feel is a more realistic outlook that some people should consider while they’re still young. You say that all your friends have stable and fulfilling relationships. I know that this can seem all the more discouraging. I always asked myself why I couldn’t have what my friends and so many other people seem to be having? Ten years ago I felt this way. Nowdays, I have seen one of my friends get divorced, followed by several failed dating attempts (hs current relationship is on the rocks), and another friend of mine complains about his wife more than anything else. I’ve seen several other friends make their lives miserable trying to please the women they have been with. After seeing all this I decided that it just was not worth the trouble. If you’re not dating anyone by February 14, do what I and several of my eternally single friends do on that most despicable day: wear black. ---
**Author:** ![Swampwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Swampwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swampwolf)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/8 "2003-10-10T14:22:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Quasimodal \* > \*\*I’ve been quasi courting her for 3 years. We went out once but I was going through some other shit and it tanked. Now recently we tried again, but again it tanked, and for some reason I feel I am to blame.\<_snip_ \> I am 21 as well. > \*\* Quasi-courting? Three years? One woman? Dude–seriously? that’s way too long to spend on one woman with whom there doesn’t seem to be any chemistry. Get out there more, widen your field of vision. There are approximately half a zillion single women out there who you’ll click with, where there’s some great chemistry. So there are bound to be at least eleven in your neck of the woods who are your age and single. Try finding some of them before cursing yourself for being bad at relationships. At 21 (and focusing on one woman since you were 18), your experiences are quite likely to have been…limited. in three years, you’ll probably look back at your now-self and say “god! I was naive as hell!” (FWIW, it’s been my experience at 34 that this continues to happen). Un-pit yourself for sucking at relationships. Re-pit yourself for wasting three years of your emotional energy. Un-pit yourself again, saying, "well–fuck it. I won’t do it _that_ way again. Then go out and find someone who’s right for you. ---
**Author:** ![Bruce\_Daddy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/85f322/32.png) [@Bruce\_Daddy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bruce_Daddy)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/9 "2003-10-10T15:11:40Z")
Join the club. ---
**Author:** ![Pythagras](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/45deac/32.png) [@Pythagras](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pythagras)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/10 "2003-10-10T15:26:18Z")
Let me share my wisdom. I have gradually gotten better at this whole relationship thing. . Here’s some things I have found to help me. 1. Be patient with yourself and others 2. Take it slow and easy, move at a pace you are comfortable with. 3. Be honest with yourself, take the time to understand your own needs and address them independantly of your SO. 4. You addressing your own needs will build your self confidence and you will not NEED the other person so much as WANT them. Trust of others comes out of trusting yourself to take care of yourself. 5. Share with your S.O, establish understanding instead of dependancy. 6. Find ways to be proud of things your might be ashamed of or laugh them off, dont let them define you. You have grown from those things. 7. Listen. Sometimes this means being a passive observer and student of your SO and who they are. Empathize, but do not pity, for your S.O. should ideally be able to address their own basic needs. 8. Understand you are not perfect and allow yourself to make mistakes. You will make mistakes, millions of them, sometimes you wont even be able to learn from them, it happens… From my own experience, a relationship solves none of life’s problems, only you can do that. Also, putting really high expectations on a relationship might make things dissapointing in the beginning. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/11 "2003-10-10T20:20:44Z")
Sorry I think courting was the wrong word Flirting would be better Nothing serious but we both new the other was interested ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2003, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/12 "2003-10-10T23:16:54Z")
You said “relationship(s)”, what happened before the age of 18? ---
**Author:** ![bojon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@bojon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bojon)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2003, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/13 "2003-10-11T00:48:12Z")
Did you think life was easy, bang youg your head against an immovable object. Do not even think that a relationship happens, believe in it. Do not try to force it, I don’t care what she looks like in a thong, She will make you laugh and cry, and when that happens, you are there… ---
**Author:** ![Hanayatori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8baadc/32.png) [@Hanayatori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanayatori)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2003, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/14 "2003-10-11T05:19:19Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dwc1970 \* > \*\*If you’re not dating anyone by February 14, do what I and several of my eternally single friends do on that most despicable day: wear black. \*\* That is a wonderful idea…🙂 ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2003, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/15 "2003-10-11T13:37:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dwc1970 \* > \*\* > If you’re not dating anyone by February 14, do what I and several of my eternally single friends do on that most despicable day: wear black. \*\* I just read that. That’s like being an attention whore. “Oh look at the poor single guy.” I feel that there are better ways to get attention. I don’t know what they are yet, but that is not one of them. ---
**Author:** ![Marshall07](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Marshall07](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marshall07)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2003, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/16 "2003-10-11T14:13:20Z")
If you aren’t good with woman you know there is always that other choice lol ---
**Author:** ![Baby\_Fish\_Mouth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@Baby\_Fish\_Mouth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baby_Fish_Mouth)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2003, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/17 "2003-10-21T02:02:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dwc1970 \* > \*\*I know I’m jaded and I’m cynical when it comes to dating, but being that I am 33, I’ve had enough disappointments and rejections to feel justified in my feelings and to proclaim that I am not compatible with anyone. \*\* Dude, seriously. I know it’s been said many times and in many ways on this board. I guarantee that women can see through your passive-aggressive, “nice gentlemanly” attitude. I guarantee that they see all the bitterness and cynicism about relationships. No one is ever going to make you happy, because you’re not happy about yourself. Have you ever considered that it might also be the women you choose? I used to fret about the fact that I couldn’t find anyone who was emotionally available or physically available or just plain AVAILABLE. Then I realized that’s what I seek out! For some reason I didn’t think I deserved any better. But it’s all out there, when and if you ever decide to change your own attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Fuji\_Kitakyusho](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuji_Kitakyusho)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2003, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/18 "2003-10-21T03:18:52Z")
Women are like elephants - they’re fun to ride, but you wouldn’t want to own one. ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2003, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/19 "2003-10-21T03:30:19Z")
Hey man, you ever see a guy on an elephant stuck in traffic? Or waiting in a ten car line-up at the gas station on a Friday afternoon? Don’t knock it 'till you’ve tried it. [sub]Plus, when some schmuck tailgates you for a mile and a half when he could pass you if he were willing to change lanes hissowndamnself, your ride can take a mondo-shit on his hood.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Lizard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@Lizard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lizard)\ **Post date:** [October 21, 2003, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631/20 "2003-10-21T05:46:10Z")
Man, this thread has made me laugh, especially the OP. To hear a _21-year-old_ rant about how he’ll never “find someone” just seems so . . . . quaint. I remember when I was in that boat. Now I’m sort of in-between that position and the despair evinced by those like **dwc1970**. I haven’t given up, but these days I’m not trying too hard. Still I consider this to be a temporary stage. One thing I have learned is that life can last a long time when you’re alone. Sure, trying and failing, and being rejected are painful. But so is loneliness. And unlike rejection, which merely means you have a chance to try agan elsewhere, loneliness never ends unless you make it. So to give up means you are essentially dooming yourself. You can take a risk and try to be happy, or just stay unhappy. It’s obvious to me which is worse. To paraphrase _Jerry McGuire_: “Women may be the enemy, but I still love the enemy.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-suck-at-relationships/206631.md?page=2)