# i think i hate my boyfriend **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 2, 2009, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113 "2009-05-02T20:03:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Hockey\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/141 "2009-05-07T13:27:09Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > And the simple reason…she is unhappy enough about the situation to post on a public message board. For a “boyfriend” that alone is sufficient reason to dump him. Very simply put. She’s not obligated to stay in a relationship she isn’t happy in. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/142 "2009-05-07T15:10:39Z")
**No Justice** , are you the boyfriend? First of all, no one has said the BF is “obligated” to DO anything, so that whole angle is a bullshit strawman. The issue is that the OP is unhappy, that the BF is exploitive, self-centered and manipulative. He takes without giving. Puling that he’s never represented himself as anything else does not make him any more appealing or entitled to keep using her. And WTF does this mean? > [@](#): > > Also, (and I bet he’s explained this to you multiple times) You can’t ‘dump’ him because you are not his girlfriend. This is why he “won’t accept it”, and he shouldn’t accept it. What do you mean “he shouldn’t accept it?” What does “not accepting it” mean? You’re saying he should stalk her? Please spell out exactly how a dumpee goes about “not accepting it.” > [@](#): > > As for cutting him out of your life without giving him a chance to respond… I think you owe him an explanation face to face. She owes him nothing. If she wants to move on, why should he be entitled to “pry into her business?” What does it matter WHY she’s cutting him off? Why does he need to know? If he’s not her boyfriend and there is no relationship, then why does she owe him an "explanaton. > [@](#): > > I think you owe him an apology for the multiple times you’ve “tried to dump him” This has to be a joke. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/143 "2009-05-07T15:26:56Z")
Surely, once you distill it all down, the issue is that the relationship works for him, but doesn’t work for her. The solution to that is for her to get out of the relationship. He’s going to try and convince her to stay, because it works for him. She, on the other hands, needs to grow a backbone and learn to stand up for herself in order to ensure she gets herself out of this relationship. Personally, I disagree that she doesn’t owe him an explanation. I’ve seen many threads where people have said ‘X person has cut me out of their life, is it reasonable to ask them for an explanation’ and the overwhelming advice has been yes. But all the explanation needs to be is “This relationship isn’t working for me. It doesn’t meet my needs. Therefore I am not going to continue this relationship wtih you.” She doesn’t have to convince him, to make him see her way, to make him realise she is right and he is wrong (and who are we to judge that, anyway), all she needs to make clear is that she is not happy in the relationship therefore she is ending it. And I do feel that a lot of you are assuming that the boyfriend is consciously manipulating her. That implies a level of self-awareness on his behalf that we can’t assume he has. Yes, he might be consciously doing it, but equally likely he may be quite unaware of it. Most people I have met in life who have been selfish (which is my understanding of this person, given that the OP has said that the arguments have been based around him wanting his needs met but not being interested in hers) is that those selfish people have had very little self-awareness. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/144 "2009-05-07T15:54:19Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > Personally, I disagree that she doesn’t owe him an explanation. I’ve seen many threads where people have said ‘X person has cut me out of their life, is it reasonable to ask them for an explanation’ and the overwhelming advice has been yes. But all the explanation needs to be is “This relationship isn’t working for me. It doesn’t meet my needs. Therefore I am not going to continue this relationship wtih you.” > > She doesn’t have to convince him, to make him see her way, to make him realise she is right and he is wrong (and who are we to judge that, anyway), all she needs to make clear is that she is not happy in the relationship therefore she is ending it. IF she had never tried to dump him before - she owes him at least the “this isn’t working for me.” But he is one of those guys who doesn’t respect that - and she is one of those people who is a doormat. I dated one of these guys - and was the doormat. Each ‘reason’ was an opportunity for discussion, not a statement of my feelings. “This isn’t working for me” became an itemized list of all the ways this ‘did’ work for me from his point of view. “I don’t want to see you anymore” became a critique on whether I was mentally healthy enough to understand what I wanted. That was actually what eventually opened my eyes to the situation. And when I actually dumped him with no explanation other than “get the fuck out of my life.” I’m fairly convinced (well, actually we share enough common acquaintances that I know) - that he never heard a word of anything I tried to say about why I was dumping him in any of the preceding conversations. From his point of view “get the fuck out of my life” came out of the complete blue sky - and was only a sign of my own mental instability. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/145 "2009-05-07T16:07:58Z")
So are you suggesting she just tries to disappear? With no explanation or contact at all? I don’t think (a) that would be very successful and (b) that she would do it. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/146 "2009-05-07T16:18:54Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > So are you suggesting she just tries to disappear? With no explanation or contact at all? I don’t think anyone has suggested that she should just dsappear without explanation. The advice is that she tell him it’s over, THEN cut off contact. > [@](#): > > I don’t think (a) that would be very successful and (b) that she would do it. Your second point remains to be seen, but as to the first, of course it can be successful. It happens every day. People dump people and cut off contact. It’s easy as pie. I would guess that most people in this thread have either done that or had it done to them (or both). ---
**Author:** ![Zyada](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zyada/32/3028_2.png) [@Zyada](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zyada)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/147 "2009-05-07T16:53:23Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > So are you suggesting she just tries to disappear? With no explanation or contact at all? I don’t think (a) that would be very successful and (b) that she would do it. I’m right with you on (b), but you’d be amazed at how well (a) can work. Frankly, I believe that explanations are pointless when a relationship is being ended. What would you do with any reason given? Do people really want to hear “Because you’re an asshole”? Or even “I just don’t love you any more”? If a person wants to learn something from the breakup, that person should really ask “Is there anything I should do to make my next relationship work better?” If it comes as a real surprise, then either the other person was not communicating well, or you weren’t listening. Actually, if it comes as a surprise, I’d give it a 99% chance that the surprisee was not only not listening to the other person at all, but deluding him or herself as to how well the relationship was going. I’m putting $10 (US) down on we never hear from her again, except in this thread to tell us that it didn’t work. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/148 "2009-05-07T17:01:14Z")
> [@NoJustice](#): > > As for cutting him out of your life without giving him a chance to respond… I think you owe him an explanation face to face. I think you owe him an apology for the multiple times you’ve “tried to dump him”, and for constantly prying into his business which you know he doesn’t want to discuss with you. Basically, you need to apologize for trying to turn your relationship into something which you knew up front he wasn’t interested in. He owes her nothing…and she owes him an explanation and an apology??? Good username. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/149 "2009-05-07T17:49:15Z")
> [@NoJustice](#): > > Also, (and I bet he’s explained this to you multiple times) You can’t ‘dump’ him because you are not his girlfriend. This is why he “won’t accept it”, and he shouldn’t accept it. I doubt that it makes much difference if he calls her his girlfriend or not. What everyone is recommending is that, whatever you call the relationship, it isn’t working and she shouldn’t continue it. Maybe you don’t want to call it “being a girlfriend” when she gives him money, attention and blow jobs. That’s fine - all that is necessary is that she stop giving him money, attention, or blow jobs. So she can certainly “dump” him in the sense of “not giving him money, attention, or blow jobs”. In other words, stop being his not-girlfriend. > [@](#): > > So when you try to dump him, what are you doing? What does it mean to dump him if you’re not his girlfriend? It means “to cease contact with, or to stop giving money, attention and fellatio”. > [@](#): > > This is what you end up apologizing for, as you should. She shouldn’t apologize, even if (as you seem to be saying) the not-boyfriend is blameless. She is not happy with being his not-girl friend. So, she stops being his not-girlfriend. They don’t see each other, she doesn’t give him any more money or blow jobs. The End. If he tries to talk her out of ceasing to be his not-girlfriend, then everything of what you have been saying is the purest bullshit. (Not that it isn’t anyway, but work with me here.) This not-relationship won’t work if he’s happy and she’s not. And trying to get someone to continue a relationship like that is exploitative. So, she doesn’t have anything to apologize for. The relationship, call it what you will, isn’t good for her. So it can’t continue, no matter how complex and polyamorous this not-boyfriend is. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/150 "2009-05-07T18:06:44Z")
Oh okay, I thought people were saying she shouldn’t even tell him she was breaking up with him, but to just disappear. That’s why i was saying it wouldn’t work. My bad. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/151 "2009-05-07T18:27:26Z")
> [@sandra\_nz](#): > > So are you suggesting she just tries to disappear? With no explanation or contact at all? I don’t think (a) that would be very successful and (b) that she would do it. No, but I don’t think she needs an explaination other than “its over.” Disappearing works, but its hard and probably not called for here. However, if the guy continues to harrass her after she says “its over” then staying with friends for a few weeks might be a good way to create the seperation. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/152 "2009-05-07T18:35:08Z")
> [@Zyada](#): > > I’m putting $10 (US) down on we never hear from her again, except in this thread to tell us that it didn’t work. Ok, that’s $10 that we never hear from her again, any takers? And, can we get some long odds on a happy ending and a proposal? ---
**Author:** ![phoenixundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e19b73/32.png) [@phoenixundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phoenixundone)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/153 "2009-05-07T19:25:27Z")
> [@NoJustice](#): > > **phoenixundone** : > Despite the attitude of everyone else here, I feel I have to say you are being extremely unfair to this man. You say you have tried to break up, tried to dump him, but always end up apologizing. This is not because he “twists the situation”. It’s because you are in the wrong. He has made no commitments to you… but you none the less are blaming him for not living up to the commitments you think he _should_ have made. There is no basis for your claim that he is taking you for granted. Have you considered the possibility that he simply _doesn’t care_ if you stay with him or not? Oh I’m sure he enjoys all you do for him, but that doesn’t automatically mean that you are the most important thing in his life. That is not taking you for granted. That’s just unconventional priorities. > > Also, (and I bet he’s explained this to you multiple times) You can’t ‘dump’ him because you are not his girlfriend. This is why he “won’t accept it”, and he shouldn’t accept it. If you don’t want to have sex with him, you don’t have to (actually that would be true even if you were his girlfriend) You said yourself that he doesn’t even “initiate”. So obviously you are. And it’s some kind of crime for him to accept? As for all the other things you do… you are in no way obligated to do any of them either. So when you try to dump him, what are you doing? What does it mean to dump him if you’re not his girlfriend? All you’re really doing is bitching and blaming him for your unhappiness. This is what you end up apologizing for, as you should. Your anger and resentment are unwarranted. He has done nothing wrong. You have. You have treated him like a boyfriend and expected him to reciprocate even though he has made it clear to you he is not interested in that kind of relationship. It is not unfair for him to enjoy all the things you do for him, and still refuse to treat you like his girlfriend. Should he have to give some kind of disclaimer of romantic responsibility every time he accepts any kindness from anyone? Please. > > You can safely ignore all the advice given in this thread. It’s all entirely irrelevant. You do not need to escape him because you are not his prisoner and he has done nothing to you. You are a prisoner of your own denial. There is only one thing you need to do to be free. Stop trying to blame this man for your mistakes. You’ve wasted 3 years trying to ‘save’ a man who isn’t interested in being saved. That was your mistake. As soon as you admit that, the problem will be solved. He will not chase you down and drag you back. You said yourself _you_ always run back to _him_. But I think you know it’s not “for some reason or another” as you say. It’s for one reason. You’re still pretending that he’ll eventually fall in love with you and devote himself to you if you just keep giving. Admitting otherwise, admitting that there’s no reason why he should do this, would be admitting that _you_ are the cause of all your unhappiness. That’s why you persist in denial. Get over it. Just admit you were wrong and let it go. Continuing this way is unfair to yourself… _and to him._ > > As for cutting him out of your life without giving him a chance to respond… I think you owe him an explanation face to face. I think you owe him an apology for the multiple times you’ve “tried to dump him”, and for constantly prying into his business which you know he doesn’t want to discuss with you. Basically, you need to apologize for trying to turn your relationship into something which you knew up front he wasn’t interested in. Other than that, there really isn’t much breaking up to do except to stop throwing yourself at him sexually, and stop doing any other kind of favours which you wouldn’t do for any other close acquaintance. I hardly think this will “crush him” as you seem to think. But if it does, that’s his problem and I think he’d prefer you just let him deal with it. No matter how sure you are that he needs you, he doesn’t think he does, and it’s pretty arrogant to claim you know what he needs better than he does. I do however think he _trusts_ you. His life is obviously intertwined with yours, and you may have the ability to screw him over pretty seriously if you just suddenly decide to freeze him out to punish him for your mistakes. I suggest you be reasonable and inform him that things will be changing, and you cannot continue to support him. If you’ve made any kind of promises to him of things you’re going to do for him, I suspect he’ll even forgive you for breaking them if you talk to him about it and admit you haven’t been fair to him. But you are going to have to admit that he has done nothing wrong. Until you do, there is no reason not to keep trying to change him. sorry, but i pretty much disagree with you although i applaud your willingness to defend your stance on this situation. what i am asking for are BASIC properties of human relationships: respect, for one. trust and honesty, another. besides, these are things i have explicitly asked from him and things he has explicitly, in return, said he would give me. and still he hasn’t. in that case, he is in the wrong for not honoring me, and his word, in this way. i haven’t said this in previous threads yet, but he has said “i love you” to me many times now, including that he is “committed to me”. he has even hinted at me about how he wants to have children with me. now, what that actually means is probably a different point. but, the point is that he’s said these things and i’m realizing these are false promises. i am also not trying to change him for christ’s sake. if i was i would’ve asked to be monogamous, already. as a matter of fact most of the time being with him has been an attempt to understand the various idiosyncrasies of his lifestyle. i may hope naively but i am not stupid. if a therapist, medication, and 3 years of a relationship, and 35 years of his life hasn’t changed him, then nothing will. what you are right in saying is that i AM responsible for my actions towards him. and yes, i’m learning to initiate less, do less shit for him, unfortunately – because these are my expression of intimacy and care towards loved ones, detach slowly and watch him as he starts to complain and notice the difference of me not tailoring to his every whim. but that’s my fault, because i’ve given him that option in the first place. but fuck if i can’t get some decent treatment in return. i’m not asking for much, i’m just asking for basics. i’m not going to stay in this relationship, nor am i going to fucking apologize for trying to dump him for things he said he would honor and didn’t. ---
**Author:** ![phoenixundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e19b73/32.png) [@phoenixundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phoenixundone)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/154 "2009-05-07T19:38:44Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > Ok, that’s $10 that we never hear from her again, any takers? you just heard from me, where’s my $10? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/155 "2009-05-07T19:43:04Z")
> [@phoenixundone](#): > > i’m not going to stay in this relationship, nor am i going to fucking apologize for trying to dump him for things he said he would honor and didn’t. You aren’t going to try and dump him - you are going to dump him or you are not going to dump him. It is like Yoda says “There is only do or not do…there is no try.” ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/156 "2009-05-07T19:44:29Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > You aren’t going to try and dump him - you are going to dump him or you are not going to dump him. It is like Yoda says “There is only do or not do…there is no try.” She was saying she’s not going to apologize for _previous_ attempts, as **No Justice** claimed she should. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/157 "2009-05-07T19:50:21Z")
I’ve been following this thread, though I haven’t posted because I’d just be repeating the majority. I’m curious, though. **phoenixundone** , you sound like you’re still in the relationship. Why? You’ve made it clear that he’s making you unhappy, he’s not going to change, and you rightly don’t believe his promises that he will. So what’s the holdup? What stops you from leaving him? If you need help planning an exit strategy, I’m sure people here will be more than willing to help or point you to people that can help. If you still just don’t really want to go, look at it this way: you can either invest three years of your life in a relationship where you learned a lot about yourself and the world, or you can waste thirty years in this relationship, growing more and more unhappy and watching your options get fewer and fewer with each passing year. I wouldn’t wish that life on… well, on _him_, much less you. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/158 "2009-05-07T19:53:42Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > She was saying she’s not going to apologize for _previous_ attempts, as **No Justice** claimed she should. Ah, I read that differently. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/159 "2009-05-07T20:12:28Z")
I come into this thread late. Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free? What’s worse, he really is abusing you. Dump him. Now. Otherwise, you risk becoming a doormat for any relationships that will follow. End it. Now. The folks here will help you get through this. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/160 "2009-05-07T20:21:35Z")
> [@phoenixundone](#): > > i’m not going to stay in this relationship, nor am i going to fucking apologize for trying to dump him for things he said he would honor and didn’t. Huzzah! I’m so happy! Remember…don’t get into a long discussion. Just say, “This isn’t working for me anymore, goodbye.” Lather, rinse repeat. Welcome to your brand new shiny life. It’s been waiting very patiently for you. Go out and enjoy! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113.md?page=9)