# i think i hate my boyfriend **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 2, 2009, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113 "2009-05-02T20:03:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/161 "2009-05-07T20:30:18Z")
> [@phoenixundone](#): > > you just heard from me, where’s my $10? 😃 You’re gonna have to take that up with **Zyada**. However, if you do really really break up, I get to claim $5 from **Lemur866** , cause I’m betting you’re gonna take the plunge. By the way, welcome to the Dope. Hope you stay beyond this crisis. ---
**Author:** ![NoJustice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecb155/32.png) [@NoJustice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoJustice)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/162 "2009-05-07T21:52:29Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > **No Justice** , are you the boyfriend? No. But I would hope I don’t have to remind you that neither is the man the OP is complaining about. Not in any meaningful sense of the word anyway. > [@](#): > > First of all, no one has said the BF is “obligated” to DO anything, so that whole angle is a bullshit strawman. Nobody has said it directly but it’s a necessary premise for the characterization of this woman as a victim of her ‘boyfriend’. You even go on to do the very same thing. > [@](#): > > The issue is that the OP is unhappy, that the BF is exploitive, self-centered and manipulative. He takes without giving. Thus the significance that he is not obligated to give her anything. If the OP isn’t happy, it’s her own fault. Nobody has done anything to her. Nobody has exploited her. > [@](#): > > Puling that he’s never represented himself as anything else does not make him any more appealing or entitled to keep using her. He isn’t using her. He just isn’t refusing her favours. And if he isn’t entitled to accept her favours without reciprocating then you are once again implying that he has some kind of obligation. > [@](#): > > What do you mean “he shouldn’t accept it?” What does “not accepting it” mean? You’re saying he should stalk her? Did she say he was stalking her? She said _she_ always goes running back to _him_. > [@](#): > > Please spell out exactly how a dumpee goes about “not accepting it.” I suppose it’s up to the OP to spell out exactly how he doesn’t accept it. I only said he shouldn’t, because “it” is based on a false premise. > [@](#): > > She owes him nothing. If she wants to move on, why should he be entitled to “pry into her business?” She owes him an apology. That’s hardly him prying into her business. > [@](#): > > What does it matter WHY she’s cutting him off? Why does he need to know? If he’s not her boyfriend and there is no relationship, then why does she owe him an "explanaton. She owes him an explanation for her past behaviour. He has done nothing wrong. She has. She has made commitments to him based on a premise which she knew was false. She needs to own up to that. > [@](#): > > This has to be a joke. It’s not. > [@sandra\_nz](#): > > Surely, once you distill it all down, the issue is that the relationship works for him, but doesn’t work for her. > > The solution to that is for her to get out of the relationship. He’s going to try and convince her to stay, because it works for him. > > She, on the other hands, needs to grow a backbone and learn to stand up for herself in order to ensure she gets herself out of this relationship. Nope. You’re missing something important. The reason _she_ keeps going back to _him_. There is nothing for her to ‘get out of’. She does not need to ‘stand up for herself’. She needs to admit that _she_ is the cause of her own unhappiness. > [@](#): > > Personally, I disagree that she doesn’t owe him an explanation. I’ve seen many threads where people have said ‘X person has cut me out of their life, is it reasonable to ask them for an explanation’ and the overwhelming advice has been yes. But all the explanation needs to be is “This relationship isn’t working for me. It doesn’t meet my needs. Therefore I am not going to continue this relationship wtih you.” Right. but I would add that she should admit, if not to him then at least to herself, that those ‘needs’ of hers which aren’t being met, are things he made it clear up front that he wasn’t going to do for her. > [@spooje](#): > > He owes her nothing…and she owes him an explanation and an apology??? > > Good username. Yes. He has done nothing wrong. She has treated him unfairly. > [@phoenixundone](#): > > what i am asking for are BASIC properties of human relationships: respect, for one. trust and honesty, another. besides, these are things i have explicitly asked from him and things he has explicitly, in return, said he would give me. and still he hasn’t. I think he’s giving you more respect and trust than you deserve. He’s letting you make your own choices, even though you consistently make choices which make you unhappy, and then blame him. As for dishonesty, even if you gave some examples (other than the questionable one you just did), I highly doubt how it can justify your delusions about his obligations to you. > [@](#): > > i haven’t said this in previous threads yet, but he has said “i love you” to me many times now, including that he is “committed to me”. But he has also, according to you, made it clear that ‘love’ does not mean to him what it does to most people. Sure he’s committed to you. He puts up with your crazy doesn’t he? You’re just mad because he hasn’t made the specific commitments you want him to. Commitments he made clear from the start he is unwilling to make. > [@](#): > > i am also not trying to change him for christ’s sake. if i was i would’ve asked to be monogamous, already. as a matter of fact most of the time being with him has been an attempt to understand the various idiosyncrasies of his lifestyle. i may hope naively but i am not stupid. if a therapist, medication, and 3 years of a relationship, and 35 years of his life hasn’t changed him, then nothing will. So you _were_ trying to change him. Now you’re just trying to blame him for your mistake. > [@](#): > > fuck if i can’t get some decent treatment in return. i’m not asking for much, i’m just asking for basics. It may not seem like much because it’s ‘the basics’. But what you are asking is something he made it clear from the beginning he won’t provide. Thus you are treating him unfairly by asking and pretending that it’s not much. > [@](#): > > i’m not going to stay in this relationship, nor am i going to fucking apologize for trying to dump him for things he said he would honor and didn’t. Until you admit you were never in the relationship you’re pretending it is, until you admit that he, not only will not, but _should not_, give you what you’re asking him, there is no reason not to go back to him. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/163 "2009-05-07T22:29:54Z")
The reason not to go back to him is that she’s unhappy and can no longer stand him. He’s a parasite who takes from her and gives nothing back. She’s entitled to scrape him off. The end. She owes him nothing. I think you’re also wrong that he’s never promised her any reciprocal committments. Apparently he has. > [@](#): > > But he has also, according to you, made it clear that ‘love’ does not mean to him what it does to most people. Sure it does. He just doesn’t mean it when he says it. He uses it as a tool for emotional manipualtion, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what it means. And if he really_doesn’t_ know what it means, that makes him all the more pathological. It would pretty much make him a sociopath. By the way, there is no such thing as the word “meaning something else.” It means what it means. People don’t get to make up their own self-serving definitions for it. If they don’t mean it the way everybody else does then they have no business saying it. > [@](#): > > He puts up with your crazy doesn’t he? Well it’s either that or get a job. ---
**Author:** ![phoenixundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e19b73/32.png) [@phoenixundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phoenixundone)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/164 "2009-05-07T22:29:54Z")
NoJustice, I admit that by now it’s my fault for staying in this. Yes, I am the cause of my own unhappiness. But I also think you’re missing on the basic idea that he has committed and said he would do things to change his behavior and in fact didn’t, and continually doesn’t. He never said he wasn’t ever going to do it for me. He said he would, told me he would, and then didn’t follow through. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/165 "2009-05-07T22:37:12Z")
I’ve been sort of reading this thread, so I am probably going to repeat a lot of people but… It sounds like you have a lot to give when it comes to relationships. You’ll have no problem finding someone new who can give you what you want (respect, trust, honesty). Only thing in your way is this other dude, who needs the boot. I’ve been in a less abusive (but still craptacular) version of your relationship a few times. Yeah, a few times. Because every time I give up all that respect and trust and honesty to a guy they blindside me by turning in to a giant tool. I honestly never see it coming. Maybe I’m stupid, but it has happened more than once. So I know where you’re coming from, and I know what you’re feeling. I also know that it doesn’t hit you that kicking his ass to the curb is the right thing to do until waaaay after the fact. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![phoenixundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e19b73/32.png) [@phoenixundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phoenixundone)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/166 "2009-05-07T23:05:31Z")
**NoJustice** : actually, where did you get the idea that he “made it clear up front he wasn’t going to do these things for me”? i don’t think there was any point in this thread that was said. the only thing i did say was that he said he was polyamorous, something he did make clear upfront, and something i did accept and say was okay. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/167 "2009-05-07T23:45:14Z")
> [@phoenixundone](#): > > he does this thing where\*\* he doesn’t answer questions\*\*; or, at least he answers them really ambiguously. i’ve found it strange that\*\* i barely know any of his friends\*\* after this long, but also, **when he goes out with them, he doesn’t like to tell me what he does, who he meets**. **when he’s seeing other women, i usually only know that they’re seeing each other, and their name. that’s it.** it confuses me on a few levels because he argues that it’s the “space that he needs” and that’s why\*\* he hates me questioning. \*\*i see it as a ground of me feeling more secure, and plus, what the hell – he’s in an open relationship with me, … bolding mine I’m sorry, I’m confused. What about this relationship is “open”, other than his zipper?\* Look, \*\*NoJustice \*\*has a tiny point hidden in those layers of projective defensiveness: your partner can’t be blamed for your letting him take advantage of you. On the other hand, it’s not very relevent who’s at fault here. This isn’t a courtroom, it’s a relationship. If it’s not working and attempts to fix it haven’t worked, then it doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Just end it. If he wants to blame you, so what? Since he’s not going to be in your life anymore, it doesn’t matter, does it? (Gods, I feel like I’m writing this to my younger self. One of the best things about getting old is not caring what irrelevant people think about you.) \*And I say this as a woman in a happily open marriage; I’m not coming to this from a position of kneejerk opposition to polyamory. ---
**Author:** ![NoJustice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecb155/32.png) [@NoJustice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoJustice)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/168 "2009-05-07T23:49:53Z")
> [@phoenixundone](#): > > **NoJustice** : actually, where did you get the idea that he “made it clear up front he wasn’t going to do these things for me”? i don’t think there was any point in this thread that was said. the only thing i did say was that he said he was polyamorous, something he did make clear upfront, and something i did accept and say was okay. But now it’s obviously not ok. You have presented no other justification for your anger and resentment. I highly doubt he treats you any worse than he treats any of the other casual acquaintances he has sex with. But you continue to devote yourself to him and expect him to treat you better in return. It’s obvious he never agreed to that kind of relationship. As long as your leaving him is justified with this ridiculous idea that he has wronged you in some way, it’s only a matter of time before the irrational anger fades and you go back to try again. You have to admit it was wrong to try the first time. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2009, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/169 "2009-05-07T23:53:57Z")
**NoJustice** , if you’re not the man in question, then why do you keep discounting **phoenixundone** ’s account, that he has proclaimed his love for her and, “said he would do things to change his behavior and in fact didn’t”? Do you have some other reason to believe she’s lying when she says that? ---
**Author:** ![NoJustice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecb155/32.png) [@NoJustice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoJustice)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/170 "2009-05-08T00:06:41Z")
I am not discounting **phoenixundone** ’s account. I am discounting her faulty reasoning. I am assuming that everything in the OP was true. Her more recent claims of this man’s wrongdoing (which appeared only when finally challenged) were supported only by contortions of logic based on the faulty premise that his acceptance of her irrational devotion constitutes a lack of respect. A faulty premise which everyone here seems determined to humour her about. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/171 "2009-05-08T00:07:03Z")
> [@NoJustice](#): > > But now it’s obviously not ok. You have presented no other justification for your anger and resentment. I highly doubt he treats you any worse than he treats any of the other casual acquaintances he has sex with. But you continue to devote yourself to him and expect him to treat you better in return. It’s obvious he never agreed to that kind of relationship. Except she’s said repeatedly that he HAS promised to treat her better in return. Why do you insist on calling her a liar? How would _you_ know? You seem awfully invested in trying to preserve this relationship. Why do you care? > [@](#): > > As long as your leaving him is justified with this ridiculous idea that he has wronged you in some way, it’s only a matter of time before the irrational anger fades and you go back to try again. You have to admit it was wrong to try the first time. Why do you think she has to “justify” leaving him. The only justification she needs is that she _wants_ to. Where do you get this sense of vicarious entitlement for this guy. I’m not 100% convinced you’re not him. If you’re not, you sure do care about him an awful lot, with very little reason. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/172 "2009-05-08T00:16:27Z")
> [@NoJustice](#): > > I am not discounting **phoenixundone** ’s account. I am discounting her faulty reasoning. I am assuming that everything in the OP was true. This isn’t true. You keep saying this guy hasn’t promised to reciprocate anything when she says that he HAS. > [@](#): > > Her more recent claims of this man’s wrongdoing (which appeared only when finally challenged) were supported only by contortions of logic based on the faulty premise that his acceptance of her irrational devotion constitutes a lack of respect. It does. It’s exploitive. Exploitation is disrespectful. There’s nothing faulty about that premise. And you need to quit using the word “justify.” She doesn’t have to justify anything. ---
**Author:** ![NoJustice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecb155/32.png) [@NoJustice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoJustice)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/173 "2009-05-08T00:20:05Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You seem awfully invested in trying to preserve this relationship. Why do you care? Then you aren’t paying very close attention. > [@](#): > > Why do you think she has to “justify” leaving him. Why does she think she needs to justify leaving him? why do so many people here feel the need to justify it by pretending that he has wronged her in some way? > [@](#): > > Where do you get this sense of vicarious entitlement for this guy. Where do you get this irrational disgust for this guy? > [@](#): > > I’m not 100% convinced you’re not him. If you’re not, you sure do care about him an awful lot, with very little reason. You are being highly irrational. I care about the truth. For it’s own sake, and because the key to this woman’s problem is her unwillingness to face the truth. That problem cannot be solved till she admits that she has not been wronged in any way. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/174 "2009-05-08T00:31:35Z")
**NoJustice** , _are_ you the boyfriend? If you care so much about the truth, please do not avoid this question, nor lie about it. ---
**Author:** ![NoJustice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ecb155/32.png) [@NoJustice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NoJustice)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/175 "2009-05-08T00:33:09Z")
You actually do believe that don’t you… ---
**Author:** ![phoenixundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e19b73/32.png) [@phoenixundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phoenixundone)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/176 "2009-05-08T00:33:19Z")
this is beginning to amuse me. **NoJustice** , you fascinate me. you enjoy conflicts and debates, don’t you? anyway, whatever. it’s all irrelevant anyway. i’m leaving him. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/177 "2009-05-08T00:35:10Z")
> [@phoenixundone](#): > > this is beginning to amuse me. **NoJustice** , you fascinate me. Please, for the love of god, don’t start sleeping with HIM! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/178 "2009-05-08T00:36:04Z")
> [@phoenixundone](#): > > this is beginning to amuse me. **NoJustice** , you fascinate me. I’d advise staying out of new relationships for at least a year. ---
**Author:** ![phoenixundone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e19b73/32.png) [@phoenixundone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phoenixundone)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/179 "2009-05-08T00:38:17Z")
LOL!!! good lord, don’t worry. i didn’t mean it that way, only that he’s (NoJustice) a merciless and stubborn SOB. after i leave the boyfriend, i’m exiting the dating scene for a good while. or at least until i get my feet back on the ground. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2009, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113/180 "2009-05-08T00:42:34Z")
I can see\*\* NoJustice\*\*'s point, in a way. The guy is only being who he is, and if the OP doesn’t like who he is and how he lives, then she should really just be honest about that and leave the guy. He is not what she is looking for, at this point in her life. Fine, great, dandy even- they need to break up because one of them is not happy. But maybe she doesn’t have the right to bitch and moan about how badly she was abused, when maybe he was only being him and she may have clearly accepted the conditions on the relationship. Her changing views on what she needs out of a relationship is fine, her changing the relationship is fine. Her inability to change him, however, does not automatically constitute a failure on his part. But then on the _other_ other hand, I think that maybe he does treat her pretty badly, if he has made promises to change things and hasn’t followed through. Only the OP really knows for sure what’s going on in this relationship, and only she knows if she should leave. I hope you do leave, since you’re clearly not happy, as anyone should be. Go find what makes you happy, and one day you will look back on all the time and energy you used on this loser and be glad you didn’t waste one more day. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-hate-my-boyfriend/495113.md?page=10)