# I think I may have lost my only guy friend **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2015, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288 "2015-08-08T01:49:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2015, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/301 "2015-08-14T19:54:15Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > 1. Perhaps a more religious Doper could address this more thoroughly, but I’m pretty sure that forgiveness practices in the Judeo-Christian religions are not supposed to be a license to do whatever the fuck you want because you will be “forgiven.” We are supposed to do the best we can to avoid transgressions and seek forgiveness for our mistakes. This wasn’t just a mistake. This wasn’t just a matter of you finding yourself having a little bit of a flirt and then backing off when you realized what you were doing. This was you knowingly and deliberately continuing and escalating a pattern of behaviors that you knew were morally and ethically wrong. You took it to a point where you were sexting with him and planned an easy opportunity to have sex with him. To blow that off with an “oh, it’s okay 'cause I’ll be forgiven lah dee dah” is shockingly disrespectful of the faith and the god that you claim to believe in. Your bishop should be able to provide the additional religious education that you sorely need. April already knows this. Repenting for adultery is a nightmare. It includes confessing to her husband and gives him the right, in God’s eyes, to set her aside (divorce). Adultery truly is, for Christians, a marriage-ender. A Christian makes her marriage vows to God, NOT her spouse. She doesn’t promise her husband, “I take you…”, she promises GOD, “I take this man…”. I am not LDS, but there is a reason adultery made Moses’ Top 10. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2015, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/302 "2015-08-14T20:24:06Z")
Oh, hey, high-fives to fellow practicing LDS! (I had no idea you were LDS! I’ve been only sporadically on the board lately, so am kind of out of touch. Briefly, I’m a devout Mormon in terms of practice, but have a complicated relationship with faith.) I absolutely, _absolutely_ agree with you that you can be forgiven for whatever you do. WHATEVER you do. That is a basic tenet and I will defend you from anyone giving you crap about it. 🙂 But, as Mormons are fond of saying, there are consequences that can’t be gotten out of. Here, you _did_ engage in an emotional affair. (I’m totally surprised that no one has said that in those words yet – unless I missed it?) You directed at another man the romance and erotic thoughts and attraction that you promised to your husband when you got married. And look, I get that you got carried away. Obviously I would be the last person to judge you for that, given my story. But there are now consequences. It sucks to let go of that emotional high. It sucks that your platonic friendship is never going to be the same again. And you will have to live with that. And repenting is hard, as you’re finding out! And you have to live with that too. I’ve been through it, as I’ve said, and I know it sucks a LOT. The consequences aren’t as bad as if it had gotten physical. Then you’d have much worse marital, religious, and emotional consequences. (Not even to mention the possibility of disfellowship/excommunication and divorce – purely on the emotional level, if you feel as bad as you do now, can you imagine how badly you’d feel if it had gotten physical and then you had to break it off?) If you are a devout Mormon, you know that Heavenly Father will get you through this. He knows it sucks. He knows you feel like crap. He’ll help you. He wants to help you get through this without destroying more of your life in the process. I’ll pray for you too if you would like me to. (And, somewhat off-topic but I think it might be relevant – Mormonism historically has kind of sucked with practical advice for marriage. Do you think you communicate well with your husband? (Hint: I suspect the answer is no.) Can you work on improving that? Can you tell him you guys need to take more time to be just the two of you? Date nights every Friday, as Mormons are supposed to do? 😉 ) ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2015, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/303 "2015-08-14T20:45:49Z")
> [@bucketybuck](#): > > Go to post 220 for April’s “Ode to a platonic friend”. Oh my…:eek: ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2015, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/304 "2015-08-14T21:24:39Z")
I also should say (I thought of this after the edit window passed) that a big part of repentance in Mormonism (and really a big part of Mormonism in general) is _taking personal responsibility_ for one’s actions and the consequences thereof. Which can be difficult, especially if one… doesn’t have a habit of it. ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/305 "2015-08-15T00:17:40Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > April already knows this. Repenting for adultery is a nightmare. It includes confessing to her husband and gives him the right, in God’s eyes, to set her aside (divorce). Adultery truly is, for Christians, a marriage-ender. A Christian makes her marriage vows to God, NOT her spouse. She doesn’t promise her husband, “I take you…”, she promises GOD, “I take this man…”. > > I am not LDS, but there is a reason adultery made Moses’ Top 10. This is not true across the board for Christianity. Adultery is most certainly not a marriage-ender in Catholicism, nor is the offending spouse always required to confess to the other in order to receive absolution. Nor is it the case for Episcopalians and, I would suspect, other mainline Protestant denominations. That said, it’s a violation of the spirit if not the letter of the law to go out and commit adultery knowing that it is a forgivable sin. God, if God exists, ain’t no dummy. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/306 "2015-08-15T00:28:17Z")
And if you’re going to invoke Moses, that’s Judaism and it’s certainly not true for us either. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/307 "2015-08-15T01:53:26Z")
You guys don’t really believe this, do you? This strikes me as the same sort of elaborate…ahem…put on…that Pyjama Pants Girl was. Look at how carefully timed the drama is. Each time, _just_ as the thread’s winding down, some new, inflammatory, pathetic\* stuff is posted. My personal guess was that the next step (I’m probably spoiling the plot twist, so we’ll see something else) is that the sooper-dooper tolerant husband would have turned out to be srsly unhappy about his wife emotionally slutting it up with another guy and the new drama would have been “O hai gize! My hubby has teh sad ☹ b’cuz I texted private stuff to some hot Metal Rock Musician guy and he pretended not to care b’cuz he lurvs me soooooo much but he’s hurt deep down! He lefted his computer-machine open and I saw him writing a journal about how sadddd he is ☹ But I don’t want to lose my Hot Metal Rock Musician Guy! O What do I do???!?!?! :(” Since I spoiled that storyline, I’m guessing the next step could involve aliens. Perhaps space-squid. At least space-squid wouldn’t necessarily lead to the sort of endless teen angst you’d find in a Leslie Gore song \*in the “trying for pathos” sense ---
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/308 "2015-08-15T02:03:58Z")
Well, the “mercy mercy me society” pity party angle got fairly well derailed a page or so ago and the OP has at least four or five people calling her bluff to just go git the dick and shut up about it so that llama has lost its drama–I’m thinking you’re right and extraterrestrial tentacle porn is the likely next step. Unless everyone wants to get into a marshmallow fight over an endless parsing of obscure religious doctrinal points, that could likely go a long ways assuming the OP is as implacable as the Mormons who come by on bikes. ---
**Author:** ![Grotonian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c2a13f/32.png) [@Grotonian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grotonian)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/309 "2015-08-15T02:11:46Z")
> [@Emiliana](#): > > This is not true across the board for Christianity. Adultery is most certainly not a marriage-ender in Catholicism, nor is the offending spouse always required to confess to the other in order to receive absolution. Nor is it the case for Episcopalians and, I would suspect, other mainline Protestant denominations. > > That said, it’s a violation of the spirit if not the letter of the law to go out and commit adultery knowing that it is a forgivable sin. God, if God exists, ain’t no dummy. It was presumptuous and uninformed of me to declare repentance for adultery a universal nightmare. Some denominations are more lenient than others. And perhaps some don’t require informing the spouse. As far as I know, though, vows are always made to God, and transgressions against God are a far more serious offense than those against man. Again, if your denomination is cool with breaking vows, YMMV. > [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > And if you’re going to invoke Moses, that’s Judaism and it’s certainly not true for us either. All Jews are Christians; some of you just don’t know it yet. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/310 "2015-08-15T03:24:13Z")
Oh, you wacky musheggenah. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/311 "2015-08-15T03:32:11Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > 1. Perhaps a more religious Doper could address this more thoroughly, but I’m pretty sure that forgiveness practices in the Judeo-Christian religions are not supposed to be a license to do whatever the fuck you want because you will be “forgiven.” Dude (dudette?), When Jesus died it was for the forgiveness of all our sins. Are you suggesting that we make his death in vain by not committing any? 😉 > [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Oh my…:eek: Um, yeah. She may not have slept with him in deed, but it seems like she’s utterly wrecked him in thought. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/312 "2015-08-15T04:49:22Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > Dude (dudette?), When Jesus died it was for the forgiveness of all our sins. Are you suggesting that we make his death in vain by not committing any? 😉 I’m a Jew, sweetie pie. But in the spirit of good fellowship, I’ll have a second helping of ice cream and then go jerk off. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/313 "2015-08-15T04:50:18Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > I’m a Jew, sweetie pie. > > But in the spirit of good fellowship, I’ll have a second helping of ice cream and then go jerk off. You’re a good person! ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/314 "2015-08-15T04:52:13Z")
> [@Grotonian](#): > > All Jews are Christians; some of you just don’t know it yet. Gah! I KNEW that bat mizvah was a big waste of time. :smack: Now where my crucifix at? ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/315 "2015-08-15T14:29:05Z")
With or without Jesus? Catholics like it with, because [del]they like torture porn; see Mel Gibson’s _The Passion of the Christ_[/del] it reminds them of his suffering. Protestants like it without because [del]good Episcopalians/Anglicans, Presbyterians, and Lutherans hate messes[/del] it shows that he has risen from the dead. **April** has received more than enough humble opinions and guidance, and this thread is probably dead for now, given all the tangents, so I’m going to get my emissions tested. ETA: Yes, that’s what kids call it these days. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/316 "2015-08-15T14:46:16Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > Gah! I KNEW that bat mizvah was a big waste of time. :smack: It was. At least in the narrow sense that you were automatically _bat mitzvah_ at 12, and needed no ceremony to make it so. (Unlike, say, Confirmation for Catholics, which typically happens around the same age but doesn’t happen unless the bishop punches you[sup]\*[/sup].) [sup]\*[/sup]I know, they don’t do that any more. ---
**Author:** ![JackieLikesVariety](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackielikesvariety/32/296_2.png) [@JackieLikesVariety](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JackieLikesVariety)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/317 "2015-08-15T16:26:37Z")
> [@](#): > > All Jews are Christians; some of you just don’t know it yet. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/318 "2015-08-15T19:15:25Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > Oh, hey, high-fives to fellow practicing LDS! (I had no idea you were LDS! I’ve been only sporadically on the board lately, so am kind of out of touch. Briefly, I’m a devout Mormon in terms of practice, but have a complicated relationship with faith.) > > I absolutely, _absolutely_ agree with you that you can be forgiven for whatever you do. WHATEVER you do. That is a basic tenet and I will defend you from anyone giving you crap about it. 🙂 > > But, as Mormons are fond of saying, there are consequences that can’t be gotten out of. Here, you _did_ engage in an emotional affair. (I’m totally surprised that no one has said that in those words yet – unless I missed it?) You directed at another man the romance and erotic thoughts and attraction that you promised to your husband when you got married. > > And look, I get that you got carried away. Obviously I would be the last person to judge you for that, given my story. But there are now consequences. It sucks to let go of that emotional high. It sucks that your platonic friendship is never going to be the same again. And you will have to live with that. And repenting is hard, as you’re finding out! And you have to live with that too. I’ve been through it, as I’ve said, and I know it sucks a LOT. > > The consequences aren’t as bad as if it had gotten physical. Then you’d have much worse marital, religious, and emotional consequences. (Not even to mention the possibility of disfellowship/excommunication and divorce – purely on the emotional level, if you feel as bad as you do now, can you imagine how badly you’d feel if it had gotten physical and then you had to break it off?) > > If you are a devout Mormon, you know that Heavenly Father will get you through this. He knows it sucks. He knows you feel like crap. He’ll help you. He wants to help you get through this without destroying more of your life in the process. > > I’ll pray for you too if you would like me to. > > (And, somewhat off-topic but I think it might be relevant – Mormonism historically has kind of sucked with practical advice for marriage. Do you think you communicate well with your husband? (Hint: I suspect the answer is no.) Can you work on improving that? Can you tell him you guys need to take more time to be just the two of you? Date nights every Friday, as Mormons are supposed to do? 😉 ) I told him everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I stopped responding to this thread because I needed time to get my thoughts together and pray how to tell him. He is really the most incredible person ever. He said he wasn’t angry, just disappointed that I thought he’d hate me and want to divorce me. I was enjoying the attention. Guy Friend said me visiting was not a good idea, I got mad at him. I was hoping he’d go away if I was mean enough. He hasn’t either. I really am struggling to accept that neither of them hate me. Going by what this board has said, I should have been cast to the wolves and stoned. But I wasn’t. I’m really truly shocked and grateful. Husband showed me last night how attractive he still finds me. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/319 "2015-08-15T19:43:12Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > …but doesn’t happen unless the bishop punches you. I was going to choose Wolfgang as my Confirmation name, both after St Wolfgang of Regensburg and because it was a cool name and I was twelve, but \*\*dropmom \*\*said the bishop really would punch me for being a wiseass. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2015, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/320 "2015-08-15T19:54:10Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I was enjoying the attention. Guy Friend said me visiting was not a good idea, I got mad at him. I was hoping he’d go away if I was mean enough. He hasn’t either. That’s awesome! I mean you tried so hard to break it off but he just won’t take the hint so now you just have to keep chatting with him! So sad yet so awesome. Right? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288.md?page=17)