# I think I may have lost my only guy friend **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2015, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288 "2015-08-08T01:49:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 20
**Author:** ![bucketybuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@bucketybuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bucketybuck)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/381 "2015-08-25T14:12:17Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I told him about AM. I destroyed the poem because it was a spur of the moment had to get it down on paper thing. I don’t even feel that way anymore, I didn’t feel that way a few minutes after I wrote it. > > And yes, I do think erotic feelings can be dialed back and I can be just friendly. Can guys not do that? The poem isn’t destroyed, there is a copy of it in this very thread, you can show your husband that instead! ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/382 "2015-08-25T14:43:07Z")
I’m trying to imagine how that conversation went with your husband… ‘Oh, there’s just one other little thing, hubs… I signed up to a site that enables extramarital affairs.’ What was your husbands reaction to that? I can imagine it would have to be one of the following: a) Oh, thank god. Now I can finally get some rest from that nympho! b) Oh, this could be interesting. This adds a whole new dimension to our sex lives! Maybe I’ll join too! c) Please, please, please let her cheat so I can finally dump her ass with no guilt or further explanation necessary. d) I love you and I trust you and in my eyes you can do no wrong. (Read: I have no spine. I’ll stay in the marriage because I’m insecure and just become passive aggressive instead.) So which is it?? ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/383 "2015-08-25T15:11:22Z")
Maybe being married in this tight religion, means No Divorce! Never! Not ever! And the adherents are using that as an excuse to do as they please. Pretty much aware their spouse will have to just suck it up. They have no choice, as divorce would never, could never, even be spoken of. Kind of a cheaters dream really. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/384 "2015-08-25T16:00:35Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Maybe being married in this tight religion, means No Divorce! Never! Not ever! And the adherents are using that as an excuse to do as they please. Pretty much aware their spouse will have to just suck it up. They have no choice, as divorce would never, could never, even be spoken of. Kind of a cheaters dream really. There are plenty of divorced Mormons ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/385 "2015-08-25T16:05:34Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I’m trying to imagine how that conversation went with your husband… > > ‘Oh, there’s just one other little thing, hubs… I signed up to a site that enables extramarital affairs.’ > > What was your husbands reaction to that? > > I can imagine it would have to be one of the following: > > a) Oh, thank god. Now I can finally get some rest from that nympho! > b) Oh, this could be interesting. This adds a whole new dimension to our sex lives! Maybe I’ll join too! > c) Please, please, please let her cheat so I can finally dump her ass with no guilt or further explanation necessary. > d) I love you and I trust you and in my eyes you can do no wrong. (Read: I have no spine. I’ll stay in the marriage because I’m insecure and just become passive aggressive instead.) > > So which is it?? E) he said he was disappointed I didn’t tell him how I was feeling and said he wanted me to talk to someone. I am still trying to decide if I want to go back to therapy. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/386 "2015-08-25T16:20:59Z")
May I ask, is your husband significantly older than you? ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/387 "2015-08-25T16:27:42Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > E) he said he was disappointed I didn’t tell him how I was feeling and said he wanted me to talk to someone. I am still trying to decide if I want to go back to therapy. Yes, please go. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/388 "2015-08-25T17:03:54Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > I know you think this is a good sign, but it strikes me as more worrisome than that. You seemed to escalate rapidly in your feelings and behavior, then fall off a cliff. > > You say this guy is your friend, but he appears to be more of a means to an end. At first, the end was to scratch whatever itch you had. Now it’s more to demonstrate that you have moved on, nothing to see here. How do you determine which feelings are real and lasting when you lurch from one dramatic set-piece to another? I don’t know. It’s why I’ve distrusted my feelings since childhood. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/389 "2015-08-25T17:04:56Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > May I ask, is your husband significantly older than you? No. I’m 32 and he’s 35 ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/390 "2015-08-25T17:24:11Z")
Okay. His reaction to your behaviour seemed particularly paternalistic. That’s why I asked. Perhaps it’s got to do more with your faith, idk. Even so, I’d expect the man to have a much more emotional response to the fact that his wife is seriously considering having an affair. I can only conclude that he simply doesn’t much care or that this is not the first time this has happened and you’re a known quantity to him. In other words, a pretty low bar has been set and he isn’t surprised by any of this. I keep returning to my earlier conclusion; this is a familiar dynamic to you both and you know exactly what you’re doing and why. ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/391 "2015-08-25T17:29:38Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I don’t know to be honest. Part of me would almost see it as a relief, that I wasn’t completely the bad guy in this whole thing. But as it is, he doesn’t do things like that. It’s possible that your husband might have said the same thing about you a few weeks ago. I don’t get how this will work. You had an emotional affair. You’ve decided you can just put guy friend back into the box labeled “Platonic” and you have faith in your emotional ability to do that. At the same time you are saying you don’t trust your own emotions and haven’t since you were a teen . I know it is possible to recover from an affair, but i can’t imagine continuing to have that person in your life is going to make it any easier. If i were your husband, i would feel that you placed more importance on your relationship with Guy than you do on your relationship with Husband. After all, you can’t or won’t cut ties with him, even if it damages your marriage. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/392 "2015-08-25T17:39:25Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Okay. His reaction to your behaviour seemed particularly paternalistic. That’s why I asked. Perhaps it’s got to do more with your faith, idk. > > Even so, I’d expect the man to have a much more emotional response to the fact that his wife is seriously considering having an affair. I can only conclude that he simply doesn’t much care or that this is not the first time this has happened and you’re a known quantity to him. In other words, a pretty low bar has been set and he isn’t surprised by any of this. > > I keep returning to my earlier conclusion; this is a familiar dynamic to you both and you know exactly what you’re doing and why. No, this is the first time I’ve ever felt this way about another man since I married my husband and I’ve never considered cheating before. He is just an incredibly empathetic and loving man. I don’t expect anyone to understand, he is a unique person who I am lucky to know and be with. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/393 "2015-08-25T17:40:31Z")
> [@raventhief](#): > > It’s possible that your husband might have said the same thing about you a few weeks ago. > > I don’t get how this will work. You had an emotional affair. You’ve decided you can just put guy friend back into the box labeled “Platonic” and you have faith in your emotional ability to do that. At the same time you are saying you don’t trust your own emotions and haven’t since you were a teen . > I know it is possible to recover from an affair, but i can’t imagine continuing to have that person in your life is going to make it any easier. If i were your husband, i would feel that you placed more importance on your relationship with Guy than you do on your relationship with Husband. After all, you can’t or won’t cut ties with him, even if it damages your marriage. > > Good luck. If my husband asked me to cut ties I would. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/394 "2015-08-25T18:25:32Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > If my husband asked me to cut ties I would. But what do YOU think is right, since you know best how you feel, what happened and who you are? ---
**Author:** ![Gothic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Gothic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gothic)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/395 "2015-08-25T18:34:16Z")
Do you like pina coladas? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/396 "2015-08-25T18:54:05Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > But what do YOU think is right, since you know best how you feel, what happened and who you are? Right now I think staying in touch with Guy Friend as a friend is right. He didn’t do anything wrong. He enjoys talking with me, and I can be a fantastic friend. It would be even more immature and selfish of me to ignore him because I couldn’t decide to cut the lusty crap. I may be a very emotional person, but I’m not a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/397 "2015-08-25T18:55:06Z")
> [@Gothic](#): > > Do you like pina coladas? No. I do like getting caught in the rain. ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/398 "2015-08-25T23:38:14Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Even in this thread when DZ showed a tiny bit of flirtation, you jumped in. That was me. ☹ My mojo is so strong that the slightest hint drives women wild. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2015, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/399 "2015-08-25T23:47:46Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > It would be even more immature and selfish of me to… Not cut ties for the sake of your marriage and kids. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2015, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/400 "2015-08-26T02:37:40Z")
> [@dropzone](#): > > That was me. ☹ My mojo is so strong that the slightest hint drives women wild. I was not flirting. Geez [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288.md?page=19) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288.md?page=21)