# I think I may have lost my only guy friend **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 8, 2015, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288 "2015-08-08T01:49:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/121 "2015-08-10T13:25:23Z")
> [@Blackstock](#): > > Putting the moral judgment aside, you have to make a stand and know exactly what you want, how happy you are in your marriage, and what consequences any decision may have. I personally have no loyalty to your husband, and no animosity towards your buddy, and no direct moral stance towards you or what you said here. > > Since there are three people in your story (you, the ‘Buddy’ and your husband), with only sufficient information about you and your buddy, let’s take a look at how the matter stands: > > Your Buddy: Nice, like-minded, smart, intelligent and a good listener as he is, he didn’t make an equivalent bet on the table. You have clearly damaged your marriage in some way (even if it’s subtle and yet to be revealed or felt), because we’re not devices that can be reset to factory settings, forgetting all our experiences with other people, no matter how far these experiences go. So, I believe there is a currently-indirect impact cooking up that is yet to unravel in some way; either good or bad, depending on how you define good or bad in your situation. > > So, this is what you’ve done, because you need attention or whatever other reasons; I don’t care, I’m no psychiatrist. But you have done it, and you have communicated it to him, and now you feel this way. Now, how about him? > > Let me tell you from great and long experience that there is no deeper trap a man can dig to a woman than in being a good listener. God knows I’ve ended up involved romantically or sexually with every attractive woman I’ve allocated time to listen to, and have shamelessly taken advantage of that later on. Maybe it’s me who’s an asshole, and maybe there are scores of men out there who are truly willing to listen to a woman’s trouble and help without wanting to get into their pants, but apparently your buddy isn’t one of those either, because he did accept and get involved in the innuendos and the platonic sex of it. I’m not demonizing him, or calling him a bastard, because he’s no robot either and he too is driven by feelings and desires, and it could well have taken place subconsciously. But still, with him being like that, and you being like that, I don’t see how things would end up anywhere outside a dimly-lit bedroom. > > Obviously, he doesn’t have as many stakes in this as you. He’s not set to lose anything from this but his contact with you, but you’re the one who could lose a marriage or more. You may think this is an overreading of the situation, but everything in every reply you made indicated you’re a person with a low level of self-control and discipline - and this is no insult. > > You need to confront yourself about your marriage. In an earlier post, a Doper asked you about why you felt you’re happy with your husband, and you mentioned how he helps around the house and with the kids, followed by the crazy hot sex 3-4 times a week. Now, I’m no detective here, but I’ve seen the craziness and hotness of the sex given more priority than house chores and helping with the kids. I’m not making judgments on who is or isn’t happy in their marriage, but your initial post held the answers within. > > You have to determine how much your buddy means to you, act accordingly, and bear the consequences. In my experience, distancing yourself from this by advice from a Doper or an otherwise concerned person without reaching a full conclusion on exactly what was going on, is only going to lead to a similar situation in the near future with someone who’s not going to think twice before causing irreparable damage to your life. > > Blackstock Thank you. I’m going to re-read this several times. It was well thought out and extremely inciteful ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/122 "2015-08-10T14:14:10Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > You’re right. The flirting has stopped. We both agreed to stop. > Guy Friend is too much of a catch to be single for long and I don’t want to do anything to hold him back. > We talked last night and agreed that he’d still like me to come visit. We’ve known each other since high school, we aren’t complete strangers and it would be nice to catch up. I’ve never been to Arizona and all my other options for vacation fell through. I asked around to friends and family and they all have plans for that last week in December. If you can’t see how BAD an idea this is I just don’t know what to tell you. And I doubt many here would disagree that opinion. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/123 "2015-08-10T14:46:34Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > If you can’t see how BAD an idea this is I just don’t know what to tell you. And I doubt many here would disagree that opinion. ☹ why? I’m not playing stupid, I just don’t see why. We are going to be with ither people and I’d be staying with his sister and parents. By December he’ll likely be dating someone anyway, so no pressure. I’ve been asking for a vacation on my own for two years and my husband agrees I need one. He went to a conference two years go for a week in Toronto right after my youngest was born, because he had booked the whole thing before we found out we were pregnant and I said he should go and not lose the fees he had already paid. He had to leave me with a newborn and two 5 year olds by myself, and he wants to give me a break this year. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/124 "2015-08-10T14:53:37Z")
I doubt it was ever going to remain a platonic friendship if the flirting had an effect. Takes two to tango, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/125 "2015-08-10T14:59:18Z")
Still curious if April’s husband has read all of her communications with Other Guy. Did I miss her response? ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/126 "2015-08-10T14:59:36Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I doubt it was ever going to remain a platonic friendship if the flirting had an effect. Takes two to tango, etc. But we are cooling it, and he isn’t going to stay single for long. The only reason he and his last girlfriend broke up was she moved outta state for college and she said she couldn’t do the long distance thing. He even tried to have her come visit for Labor Day, but it didn’t work out. I have no doubt, even if they don’t hook back up some other girl will make a move ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/127 "2015-08-10T15:06:27Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Still curious if April’s husband has read all of her communications with Other Guy. Did I miss her response? I didn’t share the texts but I did tell him what happened. The flirting, the sexy talk, the cease and desist agreement. We discussed it! ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/128 "2015-08-10T15:13:12Z")
So, no. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/129 "2015-08-10T15:26:35Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > ☹ why? I’m not playing stupid, I just don’t see why. We are going to be with ither people and I’d be staying with his sister and parents. > By December he’ll likely be dating someone anyway, so no pressure. I’ve been asking for a vacation on my own for two years and my husband agrees I need one. > He went to a conference two years go for a week in Toronto right after my youngest was born, because he had booked the whole thing before we found out we were pregnant and I said he should go and not lose the fees he had already paid. He had to leave me with a newborn and two 5 year olds by myself, and he wants to give me a break this year. I suspect you really don’t want honest advice, only validation, because basically anytime anyone says you’re doing something inappropriate, you either get defensive or act confused. But I’ll still say it: Having the desire to go to visit a man that you have flirted with in the \*very \*recent past-- a man who is not your husband, and a man you have struggled with your feelings about to the point of starting a thread here-- and visit without your husband around, is INAPPROPRIATE. Saying it’s all ok because Guy Friend “will likely be dating someone anyway” by that time, or because you’ll be “staying with his sister and parents,” is simply foolishness. Keep on this path, it’ll most likely end badly for your marriage. The only reason I can see you want this Guy Friend around is to scratch some itch you have. JMO. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/130 "2015-08-10T15:41:31Z")
Alrighty then. I feel pretty positive about my decision and being open with everyone involved. And I’m not getting defensive, just being honest. I was worried because I thought my husband would react the same way some of you assumed a husband would. However, he didn’t. I was able to process the situation by posting here, and I’m extremely grateful for all input no matter what was said. Thanks for all the input, really, no B.S. This thread was extremely helpful ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/131 "2015-08-10T15:51:39Z")
Prediction: By New Years, OP will have already slept with Guy Friend or **dropzone**. Somebody had to say it. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/132 "2015-08-10T15:59:54Z")
A nitpick: You _knew_ Guy Friend in high school and recently reconnected. You haven’t _known him since_ high school, which implies some continuous/ongoing contact. If hubby is really cool with you running off to meet up with some guy you’ve text flirted with for weeks, then he’s either a doormat, a fool or doesn’t care about your marriage. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/133 "2015-08-10T16:33:17Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > Wow, that was a “humble” opinion at all > > I can see where you are coming from and it would be easy for me to take offense, but instead I’d rather choose to take this feedback and use it to show that I think you’re wrong and to prove it by how things play out. > > My hubs does care, is almost blindly devoted to our marriage, and knows me and what I need from him better than any man I’ve ever known. I am not about to screw that up, no matter how horny I am. > > Believe that or not. Your choice 🙂 I said essentially the same thing Blackstock said in the immediately following post. Yet you found mine bordering on offensive and his “inciteful”? It is not a revelations of any kind to say that your husband knows you better than any man you’ve ever known. That’s as it should be. Though I’ll concede it’s not the case for every marriage. My guess, and it’s just a guess afterall, is that your husband isn’t as blindly devoted to your marriage as you (or he) claims to be. Unless, like I said before, this is a new game you two are discovering that you both enjoy. In which case, have it. Hope it’s everything you both hope it will be. The danger of course, as others have already said, he’s just not that into you anymore. Which, for you, may or may not be an issue. Also… what sister agrees to billet her brother’s former highschool friend from 14 years ago in her house? Makes no sense to me. I guess I’m too much of a misanthrope to trust that whole scenario. ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/134 "2015-08-10T16:48:19Z")
I knew his sister too. She was a few years older, but she remembers me. I guess she thinks it’s a better place for me to.stay than on the couch at Guy Friend’s place he shares with his roommate and roomate’s girlfriend. As for all those other questions, I’m too blissed out on Afternoon Delight with hubs to answer coherently. (Practicing the whole stealth brag thing 😛 ) ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/135 "2015-08-10T16:58:30Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > I knew his sister too. She was a few years older, but she remembers me. > I guess she thinks it’s a better place for me to.stay than on the couch at Guy Friend’s place he shares with his roommate and roomate’s girlfriend. What? And miss out on a foursome? Think of the stories you’ll have to share when you get home! > [@April\_R](#): > > As for all those other questions, I’m too blissed out on Afternoon Delight with hubs to answer coherently. > (Practicing the whole stealth brag thing 😛 ) I see you’re already warming up. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/136 "2015-08-10T17:08:16Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Prediction: By New Years, OP will have already slept with Guy Friend or **dropzone**. > > Somebody had to say it. 😉 😃 Yup. April, I don’t know if you’re naive, deliberately obtuse or what. If you were a guy I’d say you were thinking with your dick. Quit this whiny bullshitting and think about those kids and your marriage. Your husband isn’t reacting like any normal guy would so something more is going on there, too. Wake up before it’s too late. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/137 "2015-08-10T17:08:34Z")
I don’t know that the OP had a guy friend to lose. It doesn’t really sound like friendship to me. Axing the flirtation will probably ax the “relationship.” ---
**Author:** ![April\_R](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3da27b/32.png) [@April\_R](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/April_R)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/138 "2015-08-10T17:30:07Z")
Y’all are so cynical. You make my life sound like a playboy article. I assure you it isn’t that exciting or scandalous. Pretty sure Guy Friend and I are going to be alright, and hubs is reacting very maturely and I am really grateful for that ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/139 "2015-08-10T17:44:24Z")
I get the feeling you both know what you’re doing. Good luck with everything. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [August 10, 2015, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288/140 "2015-08-10T20:24:03Z")
> [@April\_R](#): > > You make my life sound like a playboy article. Those are actually pretty boring and not even good reporting…Penthouse Forum on the other hand…_brown chicken, brown cow!!!_ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-i-may-have-lost-my-only-guy-friend/727288.md?page=8)