# I think my boyfriend is gay and in denial, what do I do. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 5, 2015, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024 "2015-01-05T10:33:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/21 "2015-01-05T17:19:55Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > Whether he’s straight, bi, or gay, he’s not being attentive to you and the sex is not what you’re looking for. For you, lack of good sex and attentiveness on his part is a deal-breaker. > > In case you haven’t made sure that he understands the consequences his decisions will have, point this out to him. If he doesn’t change anything, then there you are. You may be able to extend the relationship for a while as his beard, but you said yourself this is going nowhere, unless something changes. > [@Quercus](#): > > As said, who cares whether someone calls him bi or gay? The issue is that the relationship doesn’t seem to be working for you. You need to let him know that, and if things don’t get better, go find a relationships that does work for you. I agree with Ethilirist and Quercus, it doesn’t matter how interested he is in men, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in you at the moment. You need to have a talk with him, and discuss your issues, and tell him what you need from the relationship and find out what he needs. You might be able to figure out how to improve things, or you might figure out it’s best for both of you to move on. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/22 "2015-01-05T17:27:12Z")
> [@Sam\_Lowry](#): > > I agree with Ethilirist and Quercus, it doesn’t matter how interested he is in men, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in you at the moment. You need to have a talk with him, and discuss your issues, and tell him what you need from the relationship and find out what he needs. You might be able to figure out how to improve things, or you might figure out it’s best for both of you to move on. thirded - I’d say you have this pegged. ---
**Author:** ![DooProcess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f14d63/32.png) [@DooProcess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DooProcess)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/23 "2015-01-05T18:41:11Z")
> [@simster](#): > > I’d say you have this pegged. Hmm… Possibly a solution to the problem hidden somewhere in this sentence. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/24 "2015-01-05T18:48:26Z")
Join date Jan 2015. Who would’ve guessed? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/25 "2015-01-05T18:58:45Z")
> [@Frazzled](#): > > Have you changed much in the time you’ve been together? If you’ve gained a lot of weight or aren’t putting as much attention into yourself then it might be that he’s just not as attracted to you as he once was. Maybe you should try growing a beard and a penis. That might get him more interested. ---
**Author:** ![Frazzled](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frazzled/32/3368_2.png) [@Frazzled](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frazzled)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/26 "2015-01-05T19:23:28Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Maybe you should try growing a beard and a penis. That might get him more interested. There are 3 possibilities here: 1) He’s lost interest in sex; 2) He’s lost interest in women; 3) He’s lost interest in the OP. Points 1 and 2 are covered above but nobody had mentioned point 3. I know plenty of people who put a lot of effort in looks when they’re single to attract somebody, and then after they get into a relationship they stop trying. Ignoring your rudeness, nothing in the OP says that this is the case with her, but I don’t think it’s out of order to point out that that’s a possibility. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/27 "2015-01-05T19:29:51Z")
Not meaning to be flip but… Whether he’s gay or not, you’re dating an ex-con who doesn’t satisfy you sexually. Move on. Almost anyone’s bound to be an improvement. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/28 "2015-01-05T20:04:35Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > Not meaning to be flip but… > > Whether he’s gay or not, you’re dating an ex-con who doesn’t satisfy you sexually. > Move on. Almost anyone’s bound to be an improvement. \ Welcome to the Dope, btw. You may think this was fast, but wait until you ask us to identify this book you read once when you were in college and it had an orange cover and it turned out they were twins. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/29 "2015-01-05T20:09:57Z")
> [@Novelty\_Bobble](#): > > where is the smiley for “fixed gaze with furrowed brow as you decide whether a poster is being serious or not”? I’m confused, are you thinking that I’m not serious? Or that the post I responded to wasn’t serious and I didn’t get the joke? ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/30 "2015-01-05T20:10:44Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > \ > > Welcome to the Dope, btw. You may think this was fast, but wait until you ask us to identify this book you read once when you were in college and it had an orange cover and it turned out they were twins. _The Other._ ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/31 "2015-01-05T20:21:51Z")
> [@Sir\_T-Cups](#): > > I’m confused, are you thinking that I’m not serious? Or that the post I responded to wasn’t serious and I didn’t get the joke? Don’t worry. My original comment was very much tongue in cheek (obviously…or so I thought) but your reply seemed to be serious in taking me seriously. Hence my :dubious: response to you. ---
**Author:** ![leahcim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b4bc9f/32.png) [@leahcim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leahcim)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/32 "2015-01-05T20:25:17Z")
An informative [documentary](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qspu1DxvHGU) on the topic. ---
**Author:** ![Sir\_T-Cups](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Sir\_T-Cups](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sir_T-Cups)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/33 "2015-01-05T21:29:19Z")
> [@Novelty\_Bobble](#): > > Don’t worry. My original comment was very much tongue in cheek (obviously…or so I thought) but your reply seemed to be serious in taking me seriously. Hence my :dubious: response to you. Nononono I knew you were tongue in cheek! There was just a couple comments that made it seem like a joke was told and I didn’t get THAT joke. I just grabbed your quote cuz it was the most recent post that was given. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/34 "2015-01-05T21:38:59Z")
> [@Claverhouse](#): > > In the future all diagnosis will be online, for every condition and plaint, since the Wisdom of Crowds means a fast, accurate summation and definite judgement can be guaranteed from any internet forum composed of a few random individuals who have never met any of the parties and have heard one side of the story. _snort_ Yeah, I know, our magic wands of Total Omniscience and Supreme Power seem to be drawing every medical/legal question under the sun. I’d give an internet nickle for a forehead-sized rubber stamp that says, _“Doctor? Lawyer? Look 'em up! Vaya Con Google!!!”_ ---
**Author:** ![dazednconfused](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5e925/32.png) [@dazednconfused](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dazednconfused)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/35 "2015-01-05T21:48:58Z")
So to answer some questions. I would say that being gay is socially unacceptable in his circle of friends. He is the muscular, alpha male type. Which is the impression he gives to people when they first meet him. He is really big on people respecting him and he cares too much about what people think of him. So much that he has turned his back on me just to be with the rest of the crowd. I have never actually heard him say that he is bi. Like I said this has been going on for awhile now. My suspicions were eating at me so I started getting into the whole “pegging” type scenario. I started watching porn that had that in the title. He was very cautious about it at first but after a minute he warmed up to me. Then after a couple months of that I started watching the mmf type porn. Once again, very cautious but again he responded to it. Our whole relationship he has never really been able to get hard enough to perform, unless im performing oral on him. it seems to go away when we start having intercourse. He always wants me to say things like “I want to take a dick” etc. But we have tried the “pegging” and he really likes it. although I have noticed that he kind of goes off on his own and I usually end up just watching. Although I really am kind of into it. I myself am bisexual. And I would never judge him for being bi or gay. I have never really come right out and asked him. Because I know he would never admit to it. but I do care about him, I just want both of us to be happy. A lot of time I feel like he just uses me as a cover. ---
**Author:** ![dazednconfused](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5e925/32.png) [@dazednconfused](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dazednconfused)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/36 "2015-01-05T21:55:33Z")
I have asked him to perform oral on me, and he claims to like doing it. Yet he still never does it. I would consider myself to be a pretty sexy female. im only 25, he is 40. I am not overweight or dirty or anything. But I have considered the possibility of maybe he just isn’t that into me anymore. I have even tried bringing one of my female friends over for him and I. but he couldn’t even get it up to perform. I have told him to be honest with me and made the promise to not judge. but I don’t feel he really is honest with me. I am going crazy. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/37 "2015-01-05T21:59:32Z")
> [@dazednconfused](#): > > He is really big on people respecting him and he cares too much about what people think of him. So much that he has turned his back on me just to be with the rest of the crowd. Go back and read **Sampiro’s** post. ---
**Author:** ![Novelty\_Bobble](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a3d4f5/32.png) [@Novelty\_Bobble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Novelty_Bobble)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/38 "2015-01-05T22:42:32Z")
> [@Sir\_T-Cups](#): > > Nononono > > I knew you were tongue in cheek! > > There was just a couple comments that made it seem like a joke was told and I didn’t get THAT joke. I just grabbed your quote cuz it was the most recent post that was given. yeah but I thought you…when you said that…and that it seemed like…but you didn’t…😃 I think we should stop now, let’s say that everyone got every joke in the spirit it was intended and no more need be said. The internet is the greatest misunderstanding amplification tool known to man! ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/39 "2015-01-05T23:02:08Z")
> [@dazednconfused](#): > > ] …I have never actually heard him say that he is bi. > > * * * > > I have never really come right out and asked him. Because I know he would never admit to it. > \ > [@](#): > > After this long I have finally gotten him to basically admit to being bisexual. OK, so I’m confused. Which is it? 😕 BTW welcome, and kudos for coming back to the thread. This can be a tough crowd. You haven’t really said anything nice about this guy you’ve been seeing for two years, **dazednconfused**. To be honest he doesn’t sound like much of a catch. At all. He sounds immature and unsure of himself, lacks confidence and needs to bluster and act stupidly macho, then there’s the whole ex con thing, and what is he doing with his life now? Oh, and he’s not willing or able to satisfy you sexually or (sounds like) emotionally. Or, you’re a handy beard/cover, which isn’t healthy for either of you. ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2015, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024/40 "2015-01-05T23:57:04Z")
What in the hell are you confused about? Get out your list of dating qualities and cross off “inattentive ex-con”. Move up the list until you get to someone who is socially stable and gives you the attention you want. Seriously. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-boyfriend-is-gay-and-in-denial-what-do-i-do/709024.md?page=3)