# I think my daughter is going to get proposed to tonight... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 22, 2011, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484 "2011-10-22T23:34:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/41 "2011-10-24T15:40:42Z")
> [@chela](#): > > Mom is still calling the shots on the grooms personal appearance? How young are these crazy kids anyway? 21 and 19. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/42 "2011-10-24T16:13:18Z")
> [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > 21 and 19. > [@](#): > > My wife and I are flabbergasted. Our theory is he chickened out. Maybe he had an attack of good sense and realized he’s way too young to marry. Bearing in mind that there are 19 year olds and then there are 19 year olds. The kind that need their mommy to tell them to get a haircut, are way too young to marry. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/43 "2011-10-24T16:19:47Z")
One - You’re the dad, and you suspected that he was going to ask your daughter to marry him, and he hadn’t spoken to you about it? Come on, I realize that it may be considered a bit old fashioned, but that’s what any upstanding young man should do. I was 38 and my wife was 32 when we got engaged, and I still asked her dad for his blessing before popping the question. Two - 21 and 19 are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to young to be getting married. I personally would not be sad or disheartened if my daughter’s boyfriend did not pop the question at that age. Count your blessings. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/44 "2011-10-24T16:30:23Z")
> [@Rhiannon8404](#): > > Probably not. This is an antiquated practice stemming from when women were considered property. My dad told me years ago that if a guy ever ask him for my hand in marriage the answer would be no because he wouldn’t want me to marry a guy who thought I was my father’s to give away. Unless of course I really wanted to marry him anyway…I mean, he wasn’t going to prevent me from marrying a guy just because he had misguided old fashioned ideas if I really wanted to. I agree. I understand the “asking for her hand” tradition intellectually, but don’t cotton to it myself. My parents-in-law are from Oklahoma, and are all about the asking for her hand thing. Their son grew up in Wisconsin, and isn’t - he asked me directly, then we told the parents together. When my new BIL wanted to marry SpouseO’s sister, he did have the talk with my FIL, and my parents-in-law just thought it was so wonderful and thoughtful. Which is good for them, I really do mean that. It’s just not for me. I did mention to them that if SpouseO had asked my father, Dad’s response would have been, “I dunno, why don’t you ask her?” ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/45 "2011-10-24T17:06:46Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > One - You’re the dad, and you suspected that he was going to ask your daughter to marry him, and he hadn’t spoken to you about it? Come on, I realize that it may be considered a bit old fashioned, but that’s what any upstanding young man should do. I was 38 and my wife was 32 when we got engaged, and I still asked her dad for his blessing before popping the question. > > Two - 21 and 19 are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to young to be getting married. I personally would not be sad or disheartened if my daughter’s boyfriend did not pop the question at that age. Count your blessings. Agree with all of this. It’s really bizarre to me how pumped these parents are for these kids to get married. Is the boy’s last name Rockefeller or something? A religion that is big on young marriage (LDS)? ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/46 "2011-10-24T17:09:39Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > One - You’re the dad, and you suspected that he was going to ask your daughter to marry him, and he hadn’t spoken to you about it? Come on, I realize that it may be considered a bit old fashioned, but that’s what any upstanding young man should do. I was 38 and my wife was 32 when we got engaged, and I still asked her dad for his blessing before popping the question. > > Two - 21 and 19 are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to young to be getting married. I personally would not be sad or disheartened if my daughter’s boyfriend did not pop the question at that age. Count your blessings. Seriously, I would be frothing furious if an “upstanding young man” asked my father for my hand in marriage. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/47 "2011-10-24T17:33:39Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Seriously, I would be frothing furious if an “upstanding young man” asked my father for my hand in marriage. I’m not a chick but I agree with your sentiment. It’s such obvious bullshit. Why the fuck does the father have a say at all in whether his daughter gets married? What if the father refuses to give his daughter’s hand? Would you just get married anyway? If so, what’s the point of asking? Just as some sort of ritual to show that you recognize his ownership of his daughter? Just imagining a chick asking a man’s father (or mother?) for permission to propose makes me laugh. What a joke this all is (this tradition I mean - if the OP’s kid gets married, mazel tov, good things). ---
**Author:** ![chela](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chela/32/21582_2.png) [@chela](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chela)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/48 "2011-10-24T17:39:56Z")
> [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > 21 and 19. So a little young, but hey why not. But whose idea is it to get hitched? The teenagers or their parents? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/49 "2011-10-24T18:11:21Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Seriously, I would be frothing furious if an “upstanding young man” asked my father for my hand in marriage. > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I’m not a chick but I agree with your sentiment. It’s such obvious bullshit. Why the fuck does the father have a say at all in whether his daughter gets married? What if the father refuses to give his daughter’s hand? Would you just get married anyway? If so, what’s the point of asking? Just as some sort of ritual to show that you recognize his ownership of his daughter? Just imagining a chick asking a man’s father (or mother?) for permission to propose makes me laugh. What a joke this all is (this tradition I mean - if the OP’s kid gets married, mazel tov, good things). It’s called “respsect”. Sorry you guys don’t get it. It has nothing to do with ownership. If the daughter doesn’t really have much respect for her own parents, there obviously is no point of the suitor reaching out to her father or mother seeking a blessing. But too many people forget that when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family…their parents, siblings, etc. It doesn’t hurt to start that relationship off on the right foot. But to each his own. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/50 "2011-10-24T18:14:42Z")
If it’s about respect, why can’t they both let the parents know/ask for blessing after the proposal? Actually if I were a guy I’d be way too afraid of jinxing it by asking the parents first. Way better to go to them after you know for sure and all the anxiety of asking is gone. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/51 "2011-10-24T18:16:24Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > It’s called “respsect”. Sorry you guys don’t get it. Why isn’t the mother deserving of this respect? Yeah, that’s what I thought. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/52 "2011-10-24T18:23:36Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > It’s called “respsect”. Sorry you guys don’t get it. It has nothing to do with ownership. If the daughter doesn’t really have much respect for her own parents, there obviously is no point of the suitor reaching out to her father or mother seeking a blessing. But too many people forget that when you marry someone, you are also marrying their family…their parents, siblings, etc. It doesn’t hurt to start that relationship off on the right foot. > > But to each his own. Yet it only goes one way. Is there any tradition of a guy asking his parents for their blessing before asking a girl to marry him? Or of a girl asking his parents before she answers? Do they traditionally ask either mother for their view? So ‘respect’ is only relevant between the men. Right. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/53 "2011-10-24T18:25:37Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > It’s called “respsect”. Sorry you guys don’t get it. Did your wife ask your mom for her blessing before y’all agreed to get married? Did you ask her mom? Did she ask your dad? Because if the only way this street goes is that the boy asks dad, then it’s not called “respect,” it’s called “patriarchy.” As wince-inducing as that word is, this is one of the few occasions where it’s strictly appropriate. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/54 "2011-10-24T18:25:44Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > If it’s about respect, why can’t they both let the parents know/ask for blessing after the proposal? Actually if I were a guy I’d be way too afraid of jinxing it by asking the parents first. Way better to go to them after you know for sure and all the anxiety of asking is gone. If you ask a girl to marry you and you don’t already know what the answer is going to be, then you shouldn’t be asking. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/55 "2011-10-24T18:26:17Z")
Any man who asked my dad before marrying me would be instantly crossed off the list. I’d be frothing furious, too. Does it help to know that my dad would have no respect for the man? And respect only goes between men, no one says I should talk to his mom before I, say, ask him to marry me. The times, they be a-changin’. Better for both to go to the parents and tell them together. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/56 "2011-10-24T18:29:54Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Why isn’t the mother deserving of this respect? Yeah, that’s what I thought. > [@Filbert](#): > > Yet it only goes one way. Is there any tradition of a guy asking his parents for their blessing before asking a girl to marry him? Or of a girl asking his parents before she answers? Do they traditionally ask either mother for their view? > > So ‘respect’ is only relevant between the men. Right. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Did your wife ask your mom for her blessing before y’all agreed to get married? Did you ask her mom? Did she ask your dad? > > Because if the only way this street goes is that the boy asks dad, then it’s not called “respect,” it’s called “patriarchy.” As wince-inducing as that word is, this is one of the few occasions where it’s strictly appropriate. Way too much political correctness for me. There’s something to be said for tradition. And hell yeah, it’s patriachical, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Most good parents talk to each other about who their daughter’s are dating and whether they have reservations about the guy. If a dad doesn’t know what mom thinks of daughter’s boyfriend, then shame on him. He should be in a position to represent both parent’s POV. And any dude that doesn’t talk to his own parents about popping the question on his girlfriend, doesn’t have a real good relationship with his own parents and his girlfriend probably doesn’t either. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/57 "2011-10-24T18:31:12Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > If you ask a girl to marry you and you don’t already know what the answer is going to be, then you shouldn’t be asking. Oh, bullshit. My wife answered my first proposal in the negative–but only because she was super-stressed about her schooling and didn’t want to think about marriage right then. It caught me by surprise. But I waited six months, and then she proposed to ME (without asking for my mother’s blessing first). That was 8 years ago, after a 4-year relationship, and our daughter is sleeping upstairs. Your rule is all bluster and no sense. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/58 "2011-10-24T18:32:01Z")
My husband spoke to both my parents before asking me to marry him. It was just something he thought he should do. I don’t think he really asked for permission, but just support and encouragement, though I don’t know for sure what was said. When I found out he’d done this, I asked him what he would have done had my parents said “No”? His answer? “Marry you anyways…oh…yeah, I guess it’s kind of a silly thing to do, isn’t it?” In our case, we’d been together for years and we already had a relationship with each other’s parents, so it’s not a matter of “starting off on the right foot”. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/59 "2011-10-24T18:32:03Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Oh, bullshit. My wife answered my first proposal in the negative–but only because she was super-stressed about her schooling and didn’t want to think about marriage right then. It caught me by surprise. > > But I waited six months, and then she proposed to ME (without asking for my mother’s blessing first). That was 8 years ago, after a 4-year relationship, and our daughter is sleeping upstairs. Your rule is all bluster and no sense. There’s no rule. But you got turned down…enough said. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484/60 "2011-10-24T18:33:51Z")
If you already know she’s going to say yes, what’s the point in even asking? > [@Omar\_Little](#): > > Way too much political correctness for me. There’s something to be said for tradition. And hell yeah, it’s patriachical, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Most good parents talk to each other about who their daughter’s are dating and whether they have reservations about the guy. If a dad doesn’t know what mom thinks of daughter’s boyfriend, then shame on him. He should be in a position to represent both parent’s POV. And any dude that doesn’t talk to his own parents about popping the question on his girlfriend, doesn’t have a real good relationship with his own parents and his girlfriend probably doesn’t either. But not everyone buys into that. Not everyone likes the idea of the dad being the one representing both parents’ point of view. There are some crazy ass relationships where the wife may have her own viewpoint and may want to express it on her own. And some relationships where maybe the wife speaks for the husband and herself. Your argument seems less about respect – if it were, both the man and woman could decide to get married and then ask each set of parents for their blessing – and more about doing it because it’s a convention that you particularly like. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-daughter-is-going-to-get-proposed-to-tonight/600484.md?page=4)