# I think my friend is pregnant, but she's in denial. How can I be a better friend? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 4, 2013, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045 "2013-03-04T22:03:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![solosam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@solosam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/solosam)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/41 "2013-03-05T16:56:37Z")
> [@](#): > > And there’s only so much moaning about not having children that I can listen to without wanting to say something! I have never been in this particular situation (I’m not sure anyone has!) but my spouse and I have dealt with a lot of these kinds of problems. When you boil it down they are all the same: The subject (friend, relative, whatever) does not respect you enough to genuinely listen to what you are saying, and they do not respect the fact that you are tired of listening to their complaints. The only way I’ve found to deal with this is to explain the situation very clearly, and then cut them off every time they move the conversation in that direction. You have the right to say, “I am tired of hearing you complain about not having kids. I understand what you are saying, and I heard you the first time. If you want to discuss it in the future, find someone else, because I will not participate any more.” At a certain point, you have to acknowledge that you cannot control her, but you can control how you respond to it. ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/42 "2013-03-05T17:52:06Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Or leave her alone. There maybe very good reasons she doesn’t want to disclose to the OP if she is pregnant and knows it. She may not be in denial, she may be choosing to be discreet, for her own reasons. This. I mean, if it turns out that she is pregnant, do you think she’s going to be all smiles and sunshine because the conception was the result of a drunken fling in Las Vegas? ---
**Author:** ![maggenpye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ecc23a/32.png) [@maggenpye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maggenpye)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/43 "2013-03-05T19:08:59Z")
> [@JacobSwan](#): > > So there probably is some selfish reason for the concern as it’s highly likely I would end up being her birth partner and helping out quite a lot. Show her this thread and that will never be a problem for you again. I guarantee it. ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/44 "2013-03-05T19:58:20Z")
[QUOTE=IvoryTowerDenizen] Or leave her alone. There maybe very good reasons she doesn’t want to disclose to the OP if she is pregnant and knows it. She may not be in denial, she may be choosing to be discreet, for her own reasons. [/QUOTE] What I suggested IS leaving her alone - as long as she doesn’t bring up what she KNOWS he thinks are pregnancy symptoms. What she is doing is passive-aggressively forcing him to take part in some sick mindgame where she forbids him from mentioning a possible pregnancy, but keeps banging an about it herself. It’s a shitty thing to do, whether or not she is pregnant, and she should be called on it. And I think I’ve outlined a pretty decent, non-shaming way to do it. ---
**Author:** ![JacobSwan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@JacobSwan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JacobSwan)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/45 "2013-03-05T20:38:23Z")
> [@maggenpye](#): > > Show her this thread and that will never be a problem for you again. I guarantee it. Maybe the word selfish came across wrong there. I didn’t mean it’s something I don’t want to do, but something I would want to do right. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/46 "2013-03-05T20:52:16Z")
There are certainly other reasons she could be tired other than pregnancy, but many of those would be good reasons to go to the doctor. When she complains, you might suggest that. Then you’re just being a friend concerned about her health. (And if a friend of mine complained about being tired and hungry and sick for two months, I’d be asking her to go to a doctor too if she kept complainng about it, whether I thought she was pregnant or not…) ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/47 "2013-03-05T21:14:49Z")
If she’s pregnant, it’ll become pretty undeniable in another couple of months. In the meantime, cut out the pregnancy talk in any way, shape, or form - and _definitely_ stop being so damned controlling! - and let time tell, one way or the other. If she keeps going on about being always tired, always hungry, feeling sick, etc., suggest a checkup. And continue to not bring up pregnancy. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/48 "2013-03-05T21:21:18Z")
> [@Septima](#): > > What I suggested IS leaving her alone - as long as she doesn’t bring up what she KNOWS he thinks are pregnancy symptoms. What she is doing is passive-aggressively forcing him to take part in some sick mindgame where she forbids him from mentioning a possible pregnancy, but keeps banging an about it herself. It’s a shitty thing to do, whether or not she is pregnant, and she should be called on it. And I think I’ve outlined a pretty decent, non-shaming way to do it. Wow, that’s a whole lot of assumptions about her motivations right here. She may be feeling crappy if she’s pregnant, and even if she doesn’t want to tell him she might occasionally complain. If he’s the friend he says he is, he can be nice about her not feeling well without demanding she reveal her reasons. He can respect her privacy, if she is pregnant and keeping it quiet, and trust that maybe she has good reasons. Plus, you didn’t suggest leaving her alone- you suggested giving her raised eyebrows and knowing looks- that’s the definition of passive-agressive. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Lowry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@Sam\_Lowry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Lowry)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/49 "2013-03-05T21:38:05Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > There are certainly other reasons she could be tired other than pregnancy, but many of those would be good reasons to go to the doctor. > > When she complains, you might suggest that. Then you’re just being a friend concerned about her health. (And if a friend of mine complained about being tired and hungry and sick for two months, I’d be asking her to go to a doctor too if she kept complainng about it, whether I thought she was pregnant or not…) I agree. If I had a friend constantly complaining about unexplained health issues, I would be concerned and suggest seeing the doctor. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/50 "2013-03-05T21:54:05Z")
In My (fairly limited) Experience, two months is way too early to see any weight gain in the tummy, so that’s not really a symptom now. > [@JacobSwan](#): > > That said, we played squash a couple of weeks ago and she had to buy a new sports bra in the next cup size up. But definitely the pregnancy titty fairy can visit by two months… > [@JacobSwan](#): > > She told me in no uncertain terms that she can’t possibly be pregnant as there were 2 forms of birth control in use. (!) plus she’s a woman and therefore she knows her body better than any man would and she would know if she was pregnant. Ha! Let’s take a poll of Doper families who just knew they were pregnant versus those who were surprised by a medical test. I used to think it was a total made-up cliche where a woman goes to the doctor for a flu or whatever, and the routine pregnancy check comes back with “you have a winner!”. At least I did until it happened in my family (The Sprout is doing great, thanks). Which makes me think this is good advice: > [@choie](#): > > Anyway, my advice would be: if she keeps complaining about not feeling well in another couple of weeks, suggest she see a doctor. Don’t bring up the pregnancy if that’s such a verboten topic – unexplained weight gain and exhaustion are perfectly legit reasons to go to a doctor; who knows, maybe she has a thyroid issue. And if the doctor visit doesn’t happen, this seems good, too: > [@Septima](#): > > Just look at her every time she starts complaining. Lift your eyebrow slightly, you know the “Seriously?” look. If she asks, say in a neutral tone “you know what I think”. If she gets annoyed, ask her to stop bringing it up. Repeat as necessary until truth is apparent either way. Though, again you should account for the possibility that maybe she does know, but isn’t sharing with you. Obviously you know her and we don’t, but it can be a very personal time. And, if she knows and wants the baby, she might be waiting until 3-4 months to say anything publicly. ---
**Author:** ![JacobSwan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@JacobSwan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JacobSwan)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/51 "2013-03-05T21:56:59Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > Wow, that’s a whole lot of assumptions about her motivations right here. > > She may be feeling crappy if she’s pregnant, and even if she doesn’t want to tell him she might occasionally complain. If he’s the friend he says he is, he can be nice about her not feeling well without demanding she reveal her reasons. He can respect her privacy, if she is pregnant and keeping it quiet, and trust that maybe she has good reasons. > > Plus, you didn’t suggest leaving her alone- you suggested giving her raised eyebrows and knowing looks- that’s the definition of passive-agressive. I agree, raised eyebrows is her speciality, not mine! I sometimes think that she may want to talk about it, but doesn’t know where to start. So she’s hoping that I’ll be an insensitive jerk and bring it up if she keeps mentioning the symptoms. As she must know what I’m thinking. That way she can also bypass me being smug by being angry at me for having mentioned a forbidden topic. But I’m not falling for that one! She said the subject was closed so it stays closed until she explicitly says it’s open again. Until then I will just listen when she complains and ask if there’s anything I can do to help. Those that think I’m controlling her diet need to realise that we’re supposed to be in training for a triathlon. We are both nagging each other about what we eat and drink. And she’s way better at nagging than I will ever be! ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [March 5, 2013, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/52 "2013-03-05T23:18:03Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Everyone is different, but I got pregnant around that time and you can tell on me. You probably wouldn’t guess if you weren’t looking for it, but if your clued in, it’s pretty obvious that my breasts have doubled in size and my belly has a characteristic shape. But you’re a few weeks farther along than that based on your OP in [your thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=683301) - Christmas was only 9 weeks ago and you’ve known you are pregnant longer than that. According to the OP he made his comment asking if she was pregnant a month ago. Could people tell when you were _five weeks_ pregnant? ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2013, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/53 "2013-03-06T00:15:40Z")
There’s really nothing good that can come from saying “you look pregnant.” There could be other things causing her to gain weight and bloat. Whether you want to tell her that you’re done listening to her complain about her health is a different question, depending on how much patience you have left. > [@Revtim](#): > > “Could I borrow a cup of urine?” Obligatory [joke](http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/read/80456517/). ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [March 6, 2013, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/54 "2013-03-06T01:04:38Z")
[QUOTE=IvoryTowerDenizen] Plus, you didn’t suggest leaving her alone- you suggested giving her raised eyebrows and knowing looks- that’s the definition of passive-agressive. [/QUOTE] No, not a raised eyebrow and a knowing look. A “knowing” look would be a condescending look that says “wow, look at the pregnant chick being pregnant”. What I’m advocating is a look that says “Seriously!? Are you pulling this shit again!?” They are different looks. Very different. And I made no assumptions (except to take the OP scenario at face value.) 1: We know that she has been complaining of physical symptoms, which may have any cause. 2: We know that the OP thinks she is pregnant, and has shared this suspicion with her. 3: We know she got angry, and forbade the OP from mentioning it again. 4: We know she, in spite of this, keeps complaining to the OP about her symptoms (which, again, may have any cause), to the OP, expecting him to comment in some way. Point 4 makes it pretty clear that she is in fact daring him to repeat his pregnancy suspicions, because she already knows that is what he thinks. That’s petty, and should be confronted head on. The “look and wait for her to ask” is slightly milder than telling her to just cut it out. Doesn’t make it passive-aggressive, since you are still forcing a direct confrontation. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/55 "2013-03-11T00:52:02Z")
> [@JacobSwan](#): > > So she’s hoping that I’ll be an insensitive jerk and bring it up if she keeps mentioning the symptoms. As she must know what I’m thinking. That way she can also bypass me being smug… OK, gamechanger here. Anyone who tries to bypass one’s right to smugness, deserves what she gets! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Baron\_Greenback](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baron_greenback/32/48_2.png) [@Baron\_Greenback](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron_Greenback)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/56 "2013-03-11T01:44:47Z")
Your imaginary girlfriend is just not that into you, **Jacob**. ---
**Author:** ![MickNickMaggies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/59ef9b/32.png) [@MickNickMaggies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MickNickMaggies)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2013, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/57 "2013-03-11T12:34:27Z")
The correct answer, as pointed out by someone up thread, is to tell her to go to the doctor for her symptoms or stop bitching. You are not a doctor, you do not know why she is gaining weight/throwing up her lunch/craving hamburgers spread with marshmallow fluff for breakfast. Tell her this. You took your best guess and she says it isn’t right. The fact that you’re convinced it’s pregnancy says to me you’re clearly out of other ideas. Doctor time. All I know is that a quick round of blood tests clears up an awful lot of shit. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2013, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/58 "2013-03-12T14:14:29Z")
What is it with certain Dopers and the inability to process the difference between someone caring about someone else and being controlling? Do you guys not have friends? Because when a friend tells you about how bad they are feeling, you do in fact try to tell them what to do deal with that. If I am mistaken about something important, I would want my friends to try and figure out how to get through to me. They are my friends, and I trust them to have my best interest at heart, and not to be controlling bitches. How sad it must be to not have friends you can trust that much. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/59 "2013-03-13T02:46:05Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > They are my friends, and I trust them to have my best interest at heart, and not to be controlling bitches. How sad it must be to not have friends you can trust that much. **BigT** : Have you been reading from Oprah’s bookshelf again? Tsk, Tsk, Tsk. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2013, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045/60 "2013-03-13T03:22:35Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > What is it with certain Dopers and the inability to process the difference between someone caring about someone else and being controlling? Do you guys not have friends? Because when a friend tells you about how bad they are feeling, you do in fact try to tell them what to do deal with that. > > If I am mistaken about something important, I would want my friends to try and figure out how to get through to me. They are my friends, and I trust them to have my best interest at heart, and not to be controlling bitches. How sad it must be to not have friends you can trust that much. Because in this case, the person IS being controlling, and treating his friend like a child? He already expressed his opinions – he doesn’t have to keep nagging her. She knows exactly what he thinks, so until she actually asks him for help, he needs to back off. Good friends don’t smother you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-friend-is-pregnant-but-shes-in-denial-how-can-i-be-a-better-friend/652045.md?page=4)