# I think my marriage is falling apart **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 13, 2016, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719 "2016-08-13T21:42:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2016, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/1 "2016-08-13T21:42:09Z")
I don’t know why I am sharing this here. I don’t often like to get personal. But I’m scared about what’s going to happen. It’s never been smooth these 13 years, but I always thought that if I acted in good faith and with kindness and optimism that things would work out. But we had a “talk” this morning. I laid out my concerns and she heard them and replied that she did not think that the problems were solvable. I said I wanted to go into couple’s counseling. I think she grudgingly agreed, but she has always been contemptuous of the idea of counseling and I am afraid she will not take it seriously or that she will be combative if we actually do end up in front of a counselor. I don’t know what’s going to happen. All the little things are flashing through my mind, the expressions of affection, caring, kindness, concern, delight—those things that make you feel loved, cared for, with a partner in this world. I don’t want to lose those. I don’t want to think that I will never see those expressions on her face again. I have failed at so many things in life. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2016, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/2 "2016-08-13T22:05:02Z")
You have my empathy. Im sorry this is happening. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2016, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/3 "2016-08-13T22:05:47Z")
Thanks. I appreciate it. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2016, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/4 "2016-08-13T22:07:34Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > But we had a “talk” this morning. I laid out my concerns and she heard them and replied that she did not think that the problems were solvable. What are these unsolvable concerns? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2016, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/5 "2016-08-13T22:11:55Z")
Best wishes, and sorry for your stress and trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2016, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/6 "2016-08-13T22:57:41Z")
She is at least willing to try counseling. It does work for some people. It may feel bleak now, but I think it’s too early to give up hope. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2016, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/7 "2016-08-13T23:01:13Z")
Thanks, guys. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/8 "2016-08-14T00:47:12Z")
I’m so sorry to hear your news, I’m certain it’s confusing and painful for you. Here’s hoping the counselling helps. I’m pretty sure a goodly number of those dragged there often end up benefitting from the experience. So, perhaps, there is still hope! Sending you a tsunami of good vibes! And wishing you Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/9 "2016-08-14T00:50:19Z")
I am so sorry you are going through this. I don’t like to talk about it much because many people view my marriage as unassailable (including me), but we [damned near lost it](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=741092) in 2014 after my miscarriage. I can’t tell you how bad things got and how dire they looked to us both, only that we somehow survived out of, I dunno, sheer stubbornness and a desire to get back what we had. At the time it seemed like a complete fucking disaster out of nowhere, but in retrospect it’s easy to see the threads of stress and resentment weaving their way through our relationship up to that point, silent but deadly. Now it all makes sense what happened, but at the time it looked like sheer chaos. I always laughed when people said marriage is hard, but then this happened, and it humbled us both. It changed us and our relationship forever, not necessarily in a bad way, things are just different now. For damned sure, we take nothing for granted, now. Honestly, we just celebrated 10 years of marriage (14 years together) a couple of months ago and it felt like a whole different thing. What was ‘‘us’’ two years ago is not the same ‘‘us’’ now. But we also have a new appreciation for all the wonderful things we almost lost. The only solution I’ve got is 100% raw brutal honesty, all the vulnerability you are afraid to show her, show it. All the pain you don’t want to feel, feel it. That was my critical failure in that mess - shutting down, not feeling, not wanting to deal with any of it. All the stuff in your OP, tell her. Tell her the things you value that it would kill you to lose. Think about why you fell in love with her, remind her daily. She might not give at first, but eventually, maybe she will. The fact she’s willing to try counseling despite her skepticism is indicative that she does want this to work. It’s so hard because in order for something like this to work, both people have to want it to work. I wish I could guarantee the outcome for you. But no matter what the outcome, you will have our support here. The very best to you both. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/10 "2016-08-14T01:06:36Z")
I’m just going to keep saying thanks. Thanks, guys. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/11 "2016-08-14T01:08:30Z")
I dunno if music helps you at all when you’re dealing with stuff like this, but one thing \*\*Sr. Weasel \*\*and I did when we were geographically separated in the midst of our worst time, was [create a playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPEBN2dVNUY) on Spotify and [take turns](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A) adding [songs.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jS8IZcx7tJY) ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/12 "2016-08-14T09:17:39Z")
(( **Acsenray** )) No advice, just best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![Richard\_Pearse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/richard_pearse/32/13144_2.png) [@Richard\_Pearse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Richard_Pearse)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/13 "2016-08-14T12:33:51Z")
Best wishes **Ascenray**. Keep your chin up. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/14 "2016-08-14T13:36:44Z")
Thanks, guys. ---
**Author:** ![FlikTheBlue](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fliktheblue/32/10972_2.png) [@FlikTheBlue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlikTheBlue)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/15 "2016-08-14T13:58:46Z")
I hope things work out for the best for you. You have my sympathy as well. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/16 "2016-08-14T14:06:24Z")
It’s literally never been smooth, not once, in 13 years? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/17 "2016-08-14T14:21:31Z")
As hard as these things are to go through, you most often come out the other end in a better spot - that may be with a stronger marriage - or it may be with the freedom to find someone with whom it is easier. Best wishes. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/18 "2016-08-14T14:29:17Z")
Sorry that you’re going through this. You may want to seek out some marriage-specific forums for helpful advice. Although this board is great, marriage problems often need more of an expert opinion. On a marriage-specific forum, you will likely find many people who have been in almost your exact situation and will be able to give you very relevant advice. ---
**Author:** ![2gigch1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/2gigch1/32/3313_2.png) [@2gigch1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2gigch1)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/19 "2016-08-14T14:48:57Z")
Sorry to read that this is happening to you. No one deserves pain. My first marriage fell apart at about 10 years. My two remarks are 1) other people have successfully navigated the waters you are sailing, therefore you can too. Counseling and education are your navigators. A strong push to save the marriage may be the very medicine it requires. Point 2) should your efforts fail life moves on and you can achieve happiness regardless. In my case my ex, the mother of my children, is now a friend and we keep in touch regularly. There are many paths to different happy places. Good luck. It may not seem like it now but you will be happy again, one way or another. Nothing you are enduring is new, it’s just new to you, and you can make it. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2016, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719/20 "2016-08-14T15:20:36Z")
Sorry to hear this, Acsenray. I wish you strength. Are there children in the picture? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-marriage-is-falling-apart/762719.md?page=2)