# I think my relationship is about to go down in flames **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 5, 2011, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816 "2011-05-05T05:19:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Mississippienne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d2c977/32.png) [@Mississippienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mississippienne)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/61 "2011-05-06T04:39:03Z")
> [@treis](#): > > What an absolutely horrid thing to say to someone. IMHO you got off easy by just being called an asshole. Really? It wouldn’t be much different than what he’s doing already. Not only is he supporting her financially, but she’s now moved into his spare bedroom now that she’s not making enough money to afford her own place. BF could marry her, go to work all day, come home to her and the kid, have a family dinner, and then him and the ex can go sleep in their seperate beds for the rest of their lives. If they wanna do what’s best for the kid, that’s not such a terrible idea. ---
**Author:** ![treis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@treis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/treis)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/62 "2011-05-06T05:10:11Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > Really? It wouldn’t be much different than what he’s doing already. Not only is he supporting her financially, but she’s now moved into his spare bedroom now that she’s not making enough money to afford her own place. BF could marry her, go to work all day, come home to her and the kid, have a family dinner, and then him and the ex can go sleep in their seperate beds for the rest of their lives. If they wanna do what’s best for the kid, that’s not such a terrible idea. You don’t see how that is a painful reality for him? And you don’t see how poking at the wound makes you an asshole? Look at it from his perspective. He: (1) Married and had a kid with someone he loved. (2) Had that relationship end. (3) Obviously still cares for ex to some extent (4) A possibility exists that he will lose most contact with his son and ex. All of those things are probably painful failures for him, and your statement throws a truckfull of salt onto those wounds in a particularly spiteful way. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 6:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/63 "2011-05-06T06:03:02Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > Really? It wouldn’t be much different than what he’s doing already. Not only is he supporting her financially, but she’s now moved into his spare bedroom now that she’s not making enough money to afford her own place. BF could marry her, go to work all day, come home to her and the kid, have a family dinner, and then him and the ex can go sleep in their seperate beds for the rest of their lives. If they wanna do what’s best for the kid, that’s not such a terrible idea. Really, there are millions of men in the world who would be a better match for you than this guy. I honestly don’t see where there is room for you in this guy’s life. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/64 "2011-05-06T06:27:31Z")
> [@Mississippienne](#): > > Wow, I have my faults but that’s really making a sow’s ear out of a purse. The only reason I suggested that was because the ex was already talking about taking the kid to Poland. It wasn’t a lark, “Oh I like you, let’s run away together!” suggestion. It was something I brought up as a means by which he might actually see his kid if the mom ran off to Poland. Considering he doesn’t speak Polish, BF is much less qualified to be employed there than even in England. You also need a college degree to teach English in Poland, which BF doesn’t have. So Ukraine and Russia were the next best options I could come up with. > > Really, of all the issues and problems I bring to the table, you picked a weird one. It’s like you’re determined to see everything I did in the worst possible light. I honestly dont know a thing about you: Do you speak Polish? Are you qualified to teach there? If not, why were you going? If so, my sincere appologies. To me, and perhaps only me, packing up your life to move to a far away place you more than likely have no connections to, in order to help a man you’ve only dated 4-5 months seems… Odd. ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/65 "2011-05-06T06:54:23Z")
Whether he goes to England, or where ever he goes, and whether he can make it there or not, is none of your business. From what you’ve described you should have been long gone a long time ago. ---
**Author:** ![TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a88e4f/32.png) [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheWhoToTheWhatNow)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/66 "2011-05-06T07:39:39Z")
> [@treis](#): > > You don’t see how that is a painful reality for him? And you don’t see how poking at the wound makes you an asshole? agreed. The guy is in a tough situ and you acted like a drama queen picking a fight. He’s choosing FATHERING HIS CHILD over a relationship that is barely half a year old. Can you imagine the responses he’d get starting a thread “hey my ex is taking my son away but there’s this girl I’ve started seeing so I’m thinking of letting her fuck off to Europe with my kid so I can get some pussy”? He was perfectly justified getting upset with you. There was no reason for you to keep poking the bear in such a passive-agressive way like that. Your relationship is toast if you want to be higher priority than his kid, break it off and find someone who either doesn’t have kids or is a shitty father who doesn’t care about his kids. Can he legally stop her from moving? Is that really even a realistic option? Even if he could his ex would just do something else like this down the road. The guy seems to have a thing for chicks who like drama. - TWTTWN ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/67 "2011-05-06T07:58:38Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Mississippienne, first I’m sorry that things are really falling apart around you. As others have said, and of course hindsight is always brilliant, you didn’t really show yourself to your best advantage in your texts and, I hope, he didn’t either (if that’s his best, then yikes). > > You said something about wanting him to let you go. I think he has done just that. Good on him for wanting to preserve a relationship with his son, and good on you for trying to figure out ways to make that work even with the son in Europe. But I think this incident reveals that you aren’t really high on his list of “things to think about.” And that isn’t good enough for you. No, you don’t have to be the big number one at the top of the heap, but you need to be in the picture for there to be a future and you simply don’t seem to be. > > I’m sorry. Good luck. This is what I wanted to say, but **jsgoddess** said it better. All the best! kam ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/68 "2011-05-06T13:00:52Z")
> [@TheWhoToTheWhatNow](#): > > There was no reason for you to keep poking the bear in such a passive-agressive way like that. Passive? ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/69 "2011-05-06T13:21:09Z")
To me, \*\*most \*\*of this reads like a perfectly typical fight on both sides. Emotions got heated, both parties said some things that they shouldn’t have. But BF crossed the line of ‘reasonable anger’ with several of his comments and went into the territory of ‘this is so mean, there must be a kernel of consistent truth to it’. I mean, “you disgust me”? That’s not ‘mad’, that’s ‘deliberately cruel’. The asshole deserves every bit of misery his ex puts him through from now till doomsday. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/70 "2011-05-06T13:57:52Z")
> [@CandidGamera](#): > > To me, \*\*most \*\*of this reads like a perfectly typical fight on both sides. Emotions got heated, both parties said some things that they shouldn’t have. But BF crossed the line of ‘reasonable anger’ with several of his comments and went into the territory of ‘this is so mean, there must be a kernel of consistent truth to it’. > > I mean, “you disgust me”? That’s not ‘mad’, that’s ‘deliberately cruel’. The asshole deserves every bit of misery his ex puts him through from now till doomsday. I don’t see how he was the asshole. He is trying to be a good father. The OP acted horribly and truly was the real asshole in this situation. Of course I don’t know all the ins and outs of their relationship, just what she posted. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/71 "2011-05-06T14:03:02Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I don’t see how he was the asshole. He was the asshole, because he was the one who started calling her names, like “disgusting.” > [@](#): > > He is trying to be a good father. We don’t know what he was trying to be except that he refused to discuss it with his girlfriend. Even if he was making the right choice, it was assholish of him to shut her out of his decision-making process. Once you’re a couple, you don’t make major life-changing decisions alone. He owed her an honest, open discussion about the issue and all she got repeatedly was “drop it,” “you’re being emotional,” “you disgust me.” That’s way out of line. > [@](#): > > The OP acted horribly and truly was the real asshole in this situation. I don’t see it that way. I think she reacted the way anyone would have – she was upset and she wanted to discuss it and he stonewalled her and then started calling her names. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/72 "2011-05-06T14:06:08Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > He was the asshole, because he was the one who started calling her names, like “disgusting.” > > We don’t know what he was trying to be except that he refused to discuss it with his girlfriend. Even if he was making the right choice, it was assholish of him to shut her out of his decision-making process. Once you’re a couple, you don’t make major life-changing decisions alone. He owed her an honest, open discussion about the issue and all she got repeatedly was “drop it,” “you’re being emotional,” “you disgust me.” That’s way out of line. > > I don’t see it that way. I think she reacted the way anyone would have – she was upset and she wanted to discuss it and he stonewalled her and then started calling her names. I would agree with you if they had been a long-term couple, but this relationship was still relatively new. She tried to put herself before his son, and that is not going to ever work unless the guy is a bad parent, which is a huge red flag anyway. The OP came off as whiny, selfish, and immature. My impression is that the guy would have had an open, honest discussion with her, but just not at that exact moment. She kept pushing and pushing, by text message no less. Is she a high school girl? ---
**Author:** ![Chicagojeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b19c9b/32.png) [@Chicagojeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicagojeff)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/73 "2011-05-06T14:06:48Z")
People…having a kid doesn’t give you a license to be a complete dick. Millions of people have kids all over the damn world. You’re not that unique. Good Luck Miss… ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/74 "2011-05-06T14:12:46Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I would agree with you if they had been a long-term couple, but this relationship was still relatively new. \*\*She tried to put herself before his son, and that is not going to ever work unless the guy is a bad parent, which is a huge red flag. \*\* > > The OP came off as whiny, selfish, and immature. My impression is that the guy would have had an open, honest discussion with her, but just not at that exact moment. She kept pushing and pushing, by text message no less. Is she a high school girl? Is he a good parent if he _could_ take control of the situation by going to court to make sure his child doesn’t get taken to another country w/o his approval? Or is he a man who won’t make an important decision about his life on his own w/o being forced to by the hand of someone else, giving him an excuse when he fails? “Oh, I had to quit my well-paying job/nice house to follow my ex and our son; it’s not MY fault.” He CHOSE to be in a relationship w/ someone other than the mother of his child - why should he have his cake and eat it too? B/c he made a child? Any animal has the potential for that, it’s nothing he’s some magician at. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/75 "2011-05-06T14:17:34Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > I would agree with you if they had been a long-term couple, but this relationship was still relatively new. When do you start being a long-term couple? A couple is a couple. If they were exclusive, if they were sleeping together, if they had implied dates, that’s couple enough. She’s allowed to ask questions about things that might take him away forever. > [@](#): > > She tried to put herself before his son She did no such thing. She just wanted to be part of the conversation. > [@](#): > > The OP came off as whiny, selfish, and immature. She came off like most people do in a fight. > [@](#): > > My impression is that the guy would have had an open, honest discussion with her, My impression is that he was never going to have an open, honest discussion with her but simply announce his decision one day. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/76 "2011-05-06T14:18:17Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > Is he a good parent if he _could_ take control of the situation by going to court to make sure his child doesn’t get taken to another country w/o his approval? > Or is he a man who won’t make an important decision about his life on his own w/o being forced to by the hand of someone else, giving him an excuse when he fails? “Oh, I had to quit my well-paying job/nice house to follow my ex and our son; it’s not MY fault.” > He CHOSE to be in a relationship w/ someone other than the mother of his child - why should he have his cake and eat it too? B/c he made a child? Any animal has the potential for that, it’s nothing he’s some magician at. You make good points, and I generally agree. But we don’t know what the guy’s intentions were really. It seems to me like he needed time to think and sort things out. Instead his girlfriend pushed him for immediate answers and he wasn’t ready yet. He needed her support. I would bet that the guy saw this as a more casual relationship than the OP did. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/77 "2011-05-06T14:19:28Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > He was the asshole, because he was the one who started calling her names, like “disgusting.” They were both at fault. If they’d both had the maturity to give each other a little breathing room and consider each other’s feelings, things wouldn’t have gone down this badly. But neither of them did that. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/78 "2011-05-06T14:19:33Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > When do you start being a long-term couple? A couple is a couple. If they were exclusive, if they were sleeping together, if they had implied dates, that’s couple enough. She’s allowed to ask questions about things that might take him away forever. At least a year, I’d say. This relationship was just a few months old. ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/79 "2011-05-06T14:30:35Z")
> [@acsenray](#): > > When do you start being a long-term couple? A couple is a couple. If they were exclusive, if they were sleeping together, if they had implied dates, that’s couple enough. She’s allowed to ask questions about things that might take him away forever. > [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > At least a year, I’d say. This relationship was just a few months old. It’s all about communication and you shouldn’t have to wait a year to get some clarity about expectations. If one party is expecting that they are working towards a long term relationship and the other thinks they’re just sleeping together while they wait for something better to come along (or for his ex to make a decision on where he’s going to live his life) it’s only fair to both that they understand those expectations. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2011, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816/80 "2011-05-06T14:32:11Z")
> [@Moonlitherial](#): > > It’s all about communication and you shouldn’t have to wait a year to get some clarity about expectations. Agreed. But you could wait a couple of DAYS. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-relationship-is-about-to-go-down-in-flames/580816.md?page=5)