# I think my testicles are going to explode **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 31, 2002, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688 "2002-07-31T14:44:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/1 "2002-07-31T14:44:36Z")
We’ve been trying to have another baby for about a year with no luck. So, even though I did one over two years ago (some of you will remember the Sperm Count of Doom,) it’s time for me once again to pick up the ole cup and rub one out for the team. That however doesn’t happen until Friday. Until then I’m supposed to retain my precious bodily fluids. The problem is, that all through my marriage my wife has been like my right hand. And, when she’s not around, my right hand has been my wife. I’m pretty much a six orgasm a week sort of guy, and have been since I was sixteen. If I deny myself, I get kinda ornery, if you know what I mean. I’m sitting here at the desk in my office wearing my light summerweight pants, and now I can’t get up! I guess there’s something to be said about Maria Bartiroma opening the market. Damn those CNBC chicks are hot! I’m sitting here with a diamond cutter. The last sperm count I was “low normal,” but I have an excuse, as I had an emmission the night before. Nevertheless, I can’t allow such an insult to my manhood be repeated, so I’m following directions and saving it all up. I wonder if that sample glass will be big enough. I feel myself becoming mean, aggressive, and confrontational. I know it all, and nobody can tell me anything, and anybody that gets in my way better watch out! All the mellowing out that’s happened with me in the last 15 years is being swept back like a sand castle before the tide, and I’m reverting to a primitive testosterone based life-form. I feel 18 again! At this rate I’ll be 12 by the time Friday’s Lunch time comes around (so to speak.) Stay away from me. I’m going sperm mad! ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/2 "2002-07-31T14:50:33Z")
You’d probably swell up like the goodyear blimp if you were like me! I haven’t had an orgasm in… well let’s just say I haven’t had one in 2002 yet. ---
**Author:** ![tavalla](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tavalla/32/89_2.png) [@tavalla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tavalla)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/3 "2002-07-31T14:51:14Z")
So, sending you copies all that porn spam would be a bad idea right now? ---
**Author:** ![dublos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f08c70/32.png) [@dublos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dublos)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/4 "2002-07-31T14:59:56Z")
Scylla, I wonder if it would hav a negative effect on your count if you put an ice pack down your shorts. Might help the near exploding problem though. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/5 "2002-07-31T15:05:30Z")
Might make the race in Harrisburg a little tough… ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/6 "2002-07-31T15:14:09Z")
Ya know, **Scylla** , I enjoy your posts and I look forward to them, but I hope we never meet. After this thread, I don’t think I’d be able to look you in the eyes… :eek: Is it appropriate to wish you good luck? ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/7 "2002-07-31T15:36:13Z")
Scylly **Scylla**. Yeesh - six orgasms a week? I wonder how many my husband has per week… And do I really want to know? You can make it, dude! ---
**Author:** ![Simetra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Simetra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simetra)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/8 "2002-07-31T15:36:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > **I guess there’s something to be said about Maria Bartiroma opening the market. Damn those CNBC chicks are hot!** Bah. [Robin Meade](http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/headline/meade.robin.html) is the hottest and you know it. If it weren’t for her, there would be no reason to watch CNN:HL at all. Well, maybe the news. 😛 Oh, and sorry about your boys. Just keep a **stiff** upper lip. I know it things like this can be **hard on** a guy. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Lisa\_Ann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc79bd/32.png) [@Lisa\_Ann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lisa_Ann)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/9 "2002-07-31T16:16:26Z")
Can you reschedule your appointment? After all, it’s an emergency. ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/10 "2002-07-31T16:30:33Z")
Why am I reminded of that _Married with Children_ episode where Al had a back injury and was supposed to get a “circular incision” but got a “circumcision” instead. He had to avoid being aroused for a few weeks lest the stitches pop. ---
**Author:** ![TubaDiva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tubadiva/32/507_2.png) [@TubaDiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TubaDiva)\ **Post date:** [July 31, 2002, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/11 "2002-07-31T17:42:08Z")
We really are trying to raise the tone of the board, and this is not helping. Don’t you have any governor on your brain at all? Is NOTHING too much information? This thread is closed. your humble TubaDiva Administrator ---
**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/12 "2002-08-04T01:56:34Z")
Okay, now that this is all kiss-kiss, happy-happy…( [sing-song]“We love you, **Tubadiva!** ” [/sing-song] ) **How’d it go, Scylla?** Didja make it? Do you get test results immediately, or do you have to wait for them, too? Are you now a very tired man? ---
**Author:** ![Rysdad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/7cd45c/32.png) [@Rysdad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysdad)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/13 "2002-08-04T02:05:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > \*\*I’m pretty much a six orgasm a week sort of guy, and have been since I was sixteen. \*\* Even during the part of the year _wihout_ Monday Night Football? So, how’d the li’l swimmers do? Inquiring Dopers want to know. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Moto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de0a6/32.png) [@Mr.Moto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Moto)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/14 "2002-08-04T03:50:45Z")
I’m only ten miles away, **Opalcat**. I could be there in thirty seconds! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![ijustdontcare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c57346/32.png) [@ijustdontcare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ijustdontcare)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/15 "2002-08-04T04:01:21Z")
Hey, Scylla, do the icebag thing. Seriously! Cold is supposed to increase yer sperm count. They say the lower the temperature, the more your testicles produce. Don’t ask where I learned that. 😃 But, anyway, ice yer balls, man, ice yer balls. ---
**Author:** ![LolaCocaCola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@LolaCocaCola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaCocaCola)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/16 "2002-08-04T04:23:52Z")
Always better to test your cookies rather than cook your testes. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/17 "2002-08-04T05:07:47Z")
Scylla, someday you are going to have to explain this thread, and its temporary closure for prurience, to your daughter and your yet to be conceived child who is at the root of the matter. It is your duty as a father to embarrass your children. ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 5:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/18 "2002-08-04T05:36:48Z")
Schwing!!! That was the gates to this thread swinging back open. Get your minds out of the gutter! ---
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/19 "2002-08-04T06:11:36Z")
Ohmigod. Too f–king funny. And _six_ orgasms a week, Scylla? Hmmmmm…Oh. Wait. You’re married…damn. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/20 "2002-08-04T06:16:23Z")
Ohmigod. Too f–king funny. And _six_ orgasms a week, Scylla? Interesting… Oh. Wait. You’re married, arent you? Dammit. 😛 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688.md?page=2)