# I think my testicles are going to explode **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 31, 2002, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688 "2002-07-31T14:44:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cosmopolitan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/94ad74/32.png) [@Cosmopolitan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cosmopolitan)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/21 "2002-08-04T06:17:45Z")
Same sentiment, different wording. Why? I thought the first one didn’t go through. F–k. ---
**Author:** ![Blalron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/35a633/32.png) [@Blalron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blalron)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/22 "2002-08-04T07:58:52Z")
> [@](#): > > You’d probably swell up like the goodyear blimp if you were like me! I haven’t had an orgasm in… well let’s just say I haven’t had one in 2002 yet. No orgasms this year? How do you live?! Seriously. The longest I’ve gone without is two weeks, and that was during the “fundamentalist christian masturbation is evil” phase of my life. Needless to say, a fortnite of abstinence was torture. ---
**Author:** ![DAVEW0071](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e19b73/32.png) [@DAVEW0071](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DAVEW0071)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/23 "2002-08-04T11:57:15Z")
> [@](#): > > “fundamentalist christian masturbation is evil” Any other religious denomination of masturbation, however, is perfectly fine. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/24 "2002-08-04T12:16:25Z")
Fundamentalist Christian masturbation **is** evil. Honestly. Have you ever dated a fundamentalist Christian? My roommate did, and the guy insisted on saying a Hail Mary after every ugly-bump. Kind of kills the mood there! ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/25 "2002-08-04T23:00:00Z")
Six _orgasms_ a week, and on the seventh night he drank beer. Poor Syclla, suffering from DSB. Dreaded Sperm Build up. Where’s Pirate when you need him? Bahhhhhhh ---
**Author:** ![Inky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7feea3/32.png) [@Inky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inky_1)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2002, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/26 "2002-08-04T23:40:47Z")
TMI ALERT!!! … … … Okay now, hmmm… Six orgasms a week. The average ejaculate (according to [this](http://www.sexualrecords.com/WSRaverages.html)) is about 4cc per. Times six a week. Fifty-two weeks in a year… That works out to 1248 cc (cubic centimeters) or 1.248 liters or 1.32 quarts (US liquid). That’s a little over three gallons per decade! Say a fellow starts at thirteen (I started a bit younger, actually) and I’m thirty now… 5.604674 gallons [US, liquid]. Rock! ---
**Author:** ![dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6bbea6/32.png) [@dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dreamer)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/27 "2002-08-05T00:37:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by matt\_mcl \* > \*\*Fundamentalist Christian masturbation **is** evil. Honestly. Have you ever dated a fundamentalist Christian? \*\* You know…::sigh:: maybe it’s better if I just keep my mouth shut on this one 😃 ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/28 "2002-08-05T00:40:08Z")
Probably want to put mittens on, too;) ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/29 "2002-08-05T01:24:53Z")
Back my popular demand! The thread they couldn’t close. The only thread ever to be unlocked. Ha! Top that Fenris! I’ll bet they think twice before they try to repress my testicles again. It’s just too powerful to be stopped. * * * Friday came and so did I. It was a good thing, because our animals were getting nervous. Fortunately since we moved, I’m close enough to the hospital that I was able to go home with my cup rather than look for a public restroom. I did my business and brought it in to the nurse. She asked me what time it was collected and I told her. While she was doing the paperwork, I was looking at the sample in the cup. Right when it’s fresh, it looks like clear liquid with some egg white in it. In the cup now, it had thoroughly mixed so that it was a uniform cloudy white. I’d never really examined it before. My interest with it generally ends once it’s out, and I tend not to think about it again unless I have to change its diaper, or send it to college or something. So this was kind of new. I asked the lady if it looked like enough. “I’ve seen a lot less,” she said. This was not the answer that I was looking for. “But, umm that’s enough for the test, isn’t it?” “Sure.” “Well is that like the normal amount? Should it be more?” Truth is it doesn’t look like much. She looks at me with a little exasperation. “You did fine. That’s wonderful. It’s the best I’ve ever seen.” I get the feeling she’s being sarcastic. So I leave thinking dour thoughts. First Tubadiva disrepects my reproductive system, now I got clerks belittling me. The Ob/gyn is my good friend, so I get the results the same day. I got 30,000,000 sperm per cc with 50% motility. The doc tells me he shoots for 40,000,000 and 70% (no pun intended.) “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “Anything over 20,000,000 is normal.” Unfortunately he says this in the same tone of voice you would expect if he was saying “Don’t worry. Anything over two inches is normal.” So I’m low normal again. That night playing tennis I talked to my urologist friend (All my Dr. friends are private parts doctors, ob/gyns, urologists, and such. Go figure.) He tells me not to worry about it, but to stop wearing tighty whities, don’t take hot baths, and avoid any testicular trauma. Yes. He really told me to avoid any testicular trauma. Damn! There goes my Saturday nights with my favorite ball peen hammer. Jeez, I wish I’d a known to avoid testicular trauma, but who’d have thought? * * * The last time we tried for a number of years and my wife had a dye test, and she got pregnant the following month. Apparently it clears out the pipes or something. We’re going to repeat that in the fall. In the meantime I’m going on the Peter North (He told me that as a joke, Apparently he’s a porn star known as “Two Quarts Peter North,”) diet at the directions of the urologist, and taking this new kind of pill that he calls a “nutricine” or something that’s supposed to help me make sperm, but he doesn’t really think it lives up to the claims. If that doesn’t work, the Doctor’ll put my wife on Clumid or whatever the hell that thing is. We’d really like to have another baby. We already have one though, and I’m a happy and content man no matter what happens, becuase of my daughter. I know I’d love another child, but right now the reason I want another is for my daughter. When we’re gone I want her to have a sibling or two. I loved being a married couple without a child for so many years, and I was scared what it would mean to have a kid, what it would do to our marriage. Being a father has been the greatest experience of my life, and I’d like to do it some more. Now, I’d like to address something Tuba said. No, I have no governor on my brain when it comes to this board. I work at a job where I deal with the public, and I’m known about town, and I have a public persona that I maintain for business and for family. I can’t always be what I want to be or say what I want to say in the real world. I’ve only met one person from this board, and that was during a road race. I’ll have few if any interactions with any of the people on this board, and only my wife knows that I post here. I like it that way. You guys are all strangers to me, and that gives me a freedom, I haven’t had since I was a kid. Frequently I surprise myself when I see just how fantastic the person I am on this board is. With equal frequency I am shocked when I see just how rotten and mean and crappy I can be. But through it all, for complete strangers, you guys sure are an excellent group of friends. Thanks for laughing and sharing, and arguing fiercely with me about things that don’t matter. Just for the record, I think I have a valid claim as to posessing the mightiest testicles that this board has ever seen. My exploding testicle blew the lock right off this thread and reopened it. Not even Tubadiva could stop my testicle! Bow down before it’s power! 30,000,000? Ha! In the final analysis, I only need one. ---
**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/30 "2002-08-05T01:45:56Z")
😃 (still chuckling) And thus, **Scylla** reminds us how _damn funny_ he, and his hard working little spermies, are. “Avoid testicle trauma…” Oh, man that kills me… ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/31 "2002-08-05T02:00:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > **I’d never really examined it before. My interest with it generally ends once it’s out, and I tend not to think about it again unless I have to change its diaper, or send it to college or something. So this was kind of new.** This little gem alone justifies re-opening the thread. Cudos, Scylla. ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/32 "2002-08-05T02:46:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > \*\*My exploding testicle blew the lock right off this thread and reopened it. Not even Tubadiva could stop my testicle! > > Bow down before it’s power!\*\* We thank our lucky stars you weren’t constipated. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/33 "2002-08-05T11:50:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > \*\*Back my popular demand! The thread they couldn’t close. The only thread ever to be unlocked. > > Ha! Top that Fenris! > > \*\* Isn’t this like complaining that you’ve had 34 arrests…but no convictions, or that teacher only kept you in after school for _half as long_ as she said she would? :: loftily :: Since I don’t indulge in [toliet humor](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=129175), my tastes are far, FAR above such things, and since _my_ threads are so incredibly popular I’ve never _had_ a thread closed, so I guess I don’t understand your sense of triumph. But hey, Congrats anyway! 😉 Fenris ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2002, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/34 "2002-08-05T12:51:09Z")
Ball peen hammer. Scylla, I think that’s the hardest you’ve made me laugh since that “doublefuck ratshit pissfuckshit” thing in the Pit the mods made me remove from my sig because “it might offend someone in Great Debates”:)[sub]Not that I really minded or objected or disagreed. Just mentioning:)[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Race\_Bannon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5f8ce5/32.png) [@Race\_Bannon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Race_Bannon)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2002, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/35 "2002-08-06T03:36:38Z")
Mightiest testicles, indeed. My wife conceived only a month and a half after saying, “Let’s try for a baby”. I don’t think Domino’s can deliver better than that. Then, again, I managed to impregnate her despite barriers and chemical obsticles. Apparently, my guys have enviro suits and drilling equipment. Good luck Scylla, maybe you’re not holding your mouth right… ---
**Author:** ![Sofa\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@Sofa\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sofa_King)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2002, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/36 "2002-08-06T04:04:59Z")
> [@](#): > > Just for the record, I think I have a valid claim as to posessing the mightiest testicles that this board has ever seen. Perhaps, my friend, but in my book they must also pass the test of adversity. Suffice to say that the keyboard is not necessarily mightier than the scalpel. Here’s to hoping you never find out what that really means. What are you doing reading this anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be impersonating Peter North? ---
**Author:** ![Baron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9de0a6/32.png) [@Baron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baron)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2002, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/37 "2002-08-06T04:17:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Simetra \* > \*\* > > Bah. [Robin Meade](http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/headline/meade.robin.html) is the hottest and you know it. If it weren’t for her, there would be no reason to watch CNN:HL at all. > > Well, maybe the news. 😛 > > \*\* Good god, you ain’t kidding. Many times I turn on CNN-HL to catch some early morning news and end up having to rub one out. She’s gorgeous. ---
**Author:** ![Sinshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Sinshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sinshine)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2002, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688/38 "2002-08-06T05:13:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > **Being a father has been the greatest experience of my life, and I’d like to do it some more.** Damn! He’s already married! **Scylla** , I must say, I am impressed. Not just with your testicular might, but with your devotion to wife, child and ball peen hammer. May I be blessed with such a man (soon? please?). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-my-testicles-are-going-to-explode/121688.md?page=1)