# I think you should elect me President. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 28, 2005, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629 "2005-04-28T22:22:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/1 "2005-04-28T22:22:57Z")
I don’t like Bush, and I think the Democrats could be doing a better job. What’s the solution? Vote for _me!_🙂 If I were President, this is what I’d do: **Health Care**. Too many Americans are without health care. I would support a programme in which _all_ Americans, regardless of income or employment status, would be guaranteed health care, which would be paid for out of income tax revenue and by money that companies are currently paying to insurance companies. Such a health plan would allow patients to visit the doctors of their choice instead of having to resort to ‘free clinics’, and prescription medication would be provided at reasonable prices. **Taxes**. Yes, National Health Care would be expenses. Taxes might have to be increased. But the benefit to society would outweigh the cost. Existing tax money could be redistributed to where it’s needed. Instead of having health care premiums deducted from their paycheques, the amount would instead be included in/added to the current income tax withholding. Tax laws would be tightened so that each person earning or receiving an income would be taxed fairly. **The Military**. Defence spending is important because of our position on the World Stage. We need to spend enough to meet our commitments. However, we do not need to spend money foolishly. Unworkable programmes such as the Missile Defence Shield should not be funded. Our personnel should be paid adequately, so that military families do not have to rely on Navy Relief, AFDC, or other programmes. We should spend the money to keep our forces a step ahead of the rest of the world’s forces, but we should consider that one less ballistic missile submarine or one less aircraft carrier might mean that more money could be spent on other things (like National Health Care). **Abortion**. None of the government’s business. If the government wants to make it its business, then let it pay for abortions on demand. It would certainly cost less than supporting an unwanted child for a couple of decades. **Gun Control**. Enforce the laws we have, instead of making up new laws that do nothing to prevent crime. **Crime**. Attach the problem, not the symptoms. Why do people commit crimes? Often it is because of poor upbringing. Better education, better health care, and better opportunities will do much to reduce crime. I believe that crime rates go down in times of prosperity. Let’s work to make Americans prosperous. **International Relations**. We must realise that we are but a single country on the planet. The citizens of other nations are equally proud of their homelands as we are of our. We must treat people and nations with respect. Part of this is to understand that there are places and situations in the world where we should not butt in. Let’s be there when our friends need help. Let’s offer help to our enemies as well. No need to be a patsy; but we should strive to ever be The Good Guys. **Education**. Many people do not have access to higher education. For many, it’s a choice between going to school or paying the rent. We must make education available to every one – even people who may be older, but have lost their jobs. Especially them, since it’s tougher to ‘bounce back’ after a certain age. Higher education should be freely available to high school graduates too. Perhaps a plan like Sweden’s would be good, where anyone who wants to go to college can, and take 30 years to pay it back. Or ‘free education’ could be paid back with Federal Service. Of course, these are just initial ideas. I’ll have to go over the rough spots with my qualified advisors. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/2 "2005-04-28T22:33:41Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > **International Relations**. We must realise that we are but a single country on the planet. The citizens of other nations are equally proud of their homelands as we are of our. We must treat people and nations with respect. Part of this is to understand that there are places and situations in the world where we should not butt in. Let’s be there when our friends need help. Let’s offer help to our enemies as well. No need to be a patsy; but we should strive to ever be The Good Guys. For this alone, you get my vote! Can I get a juicy ambassadorship in return for my support? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![6\_6\_6](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e0b2c6/32.png) [@6\_6\_6](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6_6_6)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/3 "2005-04-28T22:59:25Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > …I would support a **programme** … > … **Defence** spending is important… > …We must **realise** … (My **bold** ) You’ve blown your cover by using British English spelling. You have Tony Blair’s vote. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/4 "2005-04-28T23:03:46Z")
> [@6 6 6](#): > > (My **bold** ) > You’ve blown your cover by using British English spelling. You have Tony Blair’s vote. 🆒 Erm… My first three cars were British. And my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather (the immigrant) was a cousin to the Archbishop of Canterbury. 😉 But my spelling has been notoirously variable since childhood. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/5 "2005-04-28T23:06:51Z")
You got my vote when you said, “I don’t like Bush.” I like all your ideas…I think the flat tax, where everybody pays something like 15% of gross earning, no matter what your income, seems fair. No deduction for nuthin’. So, as long as you have no skeltons in your closet and can pretend to be religious at least until after elected, it sounds like you got a lock. BTW, who’s your running mate? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/6 "2005-04-28T23:12:44Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > I like all your ideas…I think the flat tax, where everybody pays something like 15% of gross earning, no matter what your income, seems fair. No deduction for nuthin’. A flat tax sounds good on the face of it, but I’d have to research it to see if it is the most fair tax while taking into account the whole of the economy. > [@DMark](#): > > So, as long as you have no skeltons in your closet Erm… How about a [rotting corpse](http://pw1.netcom.com/~heliboy/bob.jpg)? Does that count? > [@DMark](#): > > and can pretend to be religious at least until after elected Well, I believe in the separation of Church and State. > [@DMark](#): > > BTW, who’s your running mate? I’m a Gemini. _Two for the price of one!_😛 I’ve yet to decide on a running mate. I wonder if Jack Nicholson is doing anything? ---
**Author:** ![Julius\_Henry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8797f3/32.png) [@Julius\_Henry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Julius_Henry)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/7 "2005-04-28T23:22:53Z")
You’ll have every thinking-persons vote. Unfortunately, you need a majority. . . . with all due acknowledgements to Adlai Stevenson, one of the finest president’s we’ve never had, and originator of that sentiment. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/8 "2005-04-29T07:13:06Z")
Nice credentials, but you’re overqualified. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/9 "2005-04-29T08:41:49Z")
Re: Crime—Would it be okay if we attacked the problem _and_ the symptoms? As a Centrist, I feel that much good could be done with a combination of progressive social programs, and public executions. And…what are your positions on gay marriage, the FCC, NASA, and Nuclear Energy? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/10 "2005-04-29T12:31:37Z")
**Matchka** once announced his plan to become benevolent dictator for life. It included: > [@](#): > > By week’s end Matchka and his fellow rebels will have seized control of Executive Branch of the US of A and will begin the new regime wherein Matchka openly acknowledges his position as the fascist despot who will make things…Right. > > First things first: There will be no gallows on the White House lawn. GWB & Associates will be ‘detained’ in a secure location for questioning and released on their own recognizance…later. All members of the national congress will be given the opportunity to declare their support of their new director. If they choose not to, they will be free to return (at their own expense) to their residence of record. They will be given 2 weeks thenceforth to secure gainful employment in the private sector or else be ‘placed’ by The Order of Matchka (T.O.M.). All members of the former Supreme Court will be given NO opportunity to officially declare support of TOM—their opinions no longer matter. They will be given two weeks to secure ANY gainful employment in the private sector or else be ‘placed’ by TOM. > > Over the course of the following 60 days, the good citizens of the USA will witness sweeping infrastructure changes as well as shifts in the traditional American (yes, we are now unappologetically referring to ourselves as Americans) socioeconomic paradigm. Following are examples that will be implemented before the end of the 2nd week of the regime: > > –All salaries for military, paramilitary and public safety personnel will be doubled. Low-deductible, no-copay health insurance will be granted at no cost to said personnel, one other adult, and dependent children under age 25 per stirpes of said personnel. No longer will our protectors have to rely on welfare to survive. All personnel included in this change will be reviewed biannually in person to review physical/ethical fitness for continued service. Once granted, health benefits will not be revoked after October 2005 regardless of the biannual review results. > > –Public Education Professionals will receive benefits/reviews as above. Additionally, the traditional summer hiatus for these positions will be spent alternately in education-based travel abroad and recreation-based activities within the USA or abroad as deemed necessary by the professional. Unless specific arrangements have been made in advance, said professionals will not be allowed to reside at their home of record for any but the 2 weeks at either end of the hiatus. > > –All prisons and other penal institutions will be converted to high-output manufacture labor camps. Nutrition, Education and Healthcare will be provided at a level adequate to maintain physical & psychological health. Non-violent offenders will be offered parole upon the successful completion of a labor-oriented trade course of instruction. Failure to secure gainful employment within 2 weeks of release will result in the parolee being ‘placed.’ Failure to remain gainfully employed will be considered a terminal parole violation and the prisoner will return to the labor camp for not less than 10 years for remedial self-mastery training. Capital Punishment will be abolished–no easy ways out now. > > –Organized institutions traditionally associated with Hate/Supremecist/Intolerance (yes, intolerance will not be tolerated!) will be outlawed and members of such organizations will be incarcerated for not less than 5 years of hard labor combined with a course of study aimed at ‘social reconsideration’ of the individual. If upon release from incarceration the individual continues to practice and proselytize intolerance, lifetime incarceration may be required after careful review by a panel of ‘reasonable persons.’ Seems a good enough candidate for “Minister of Reasonable Policies” as long as you can maintain his Valium prescription. 🙂 Want me to look him up for you? ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/11 "2005-04-29T12:53:03Z")
> [@](#): > > **Abortion**. None of the government’s business. If the government wants to make it its business, then let it pay for abortions on demand. It would certainly cost less than supporting an unwanted child for a couple of decades. I assume you mean “none of the federal government’s business”, so that you would have no objection to states regulating abortion differently. The problem with most of the rest of your platform is the same as with many other approaches. Promising, for instance, free health care and college for everyone “at a reasonable cost” is meaningless unless you can come up with some method of making it happen - and addressing the unfortunate effects that hugely increased taxation tends to have on the economy that supplies all the government’s revenue. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/12 "2005-04-29T13:22:44Z")
You just want to fly Air Force One. ---
**Author:** ![Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/13 "2005-04-29T14:19:45Z")
Who doesn’t? I’d vote for him. :: puts on a Johnny for Pres button :: ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/14 "2005-04-29T14:53:26Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > And…what are your positions on gay marriage, the FCC, NASA, and Nuclear Energy? **Gay marriage**. ‘We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal…’ Gays should be able to enjoy the full benefits, responsibilities and consequenses of marriage as the rest of us. **FCC**. They’ve been in the news of late (still) because of the Janet Jackson boob thing. I say, lighten up! We all have nipples! I see their actions as caving in to the Religious Right, and thus a step toward theocracy. Other nations seem to do all right with brief nudity on TV, and nudity and strong language is a stape of many popular cable shows in the U.S. The JanTit maybe shouldn’t have been exposed during that particular programme, but the furor over it is a tempest in a teapot. **NASA**. I am a strong proponent of space exploration. I think manned exploration is good for a society. Unfortunately, it’s very expensive. I would try to balance the costs with the value (real and emotional) of space exploration. NASA’s budget is very small compared to the rest of the government. I would like to see an increase in their budget (funds permitting). One programme I would like to see better funded is the study of earth-crossing asteroids. **Nuclear energy**. The U.S. Navy have been using nuclear energy for decades, and doing it quite safely. Other countries use a higher percentage of nuclear energy than the U.S., and they handle it well. We have better designs than the Soviets did, so I don’t thing we need to worry about another Chernobyl here. Unfortunately they produce hazardous waste, and that waste can be used by terrorists if they get ahold of it. I would like to see more nuclear power in the U.S., but I must admit that I don’t yet have a plan for waste disposal. > [@Shodan](#): > > I assume you mean “none of the federal government’s business”, so that you would have no objection to states regulating abortion differently. I would strive to keep abortion safe and legal in the U.S. The issue of abortion is a moral issue; and thus, a religious one. By denying abortion to someone who doesn’t follow a particular religion (or religious sect) the right to have an abortion, you are, in effect, imposing your religion on her. Thiss seems to me to be too close to the establishment of a ‘State religion’. > [@Zebra](#): > > You just want to fly Air Force One. Air Force One will have two seats and a tailhook. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/15 "2005-04-29T15:23:35Z")
> [@](#): > > The issue of abortion is a moral issue; and thus, a religious one. All moral issues are religious issues? "In the latest of the major controversies that have sent his campaign reeling, **Johnny L.A.** found himself on the defensive today trying to ‘clarify’ his earlier statement that only religious people can be moral. ‘That isn’t what I meant at all’, said **Johnny** , standing beside his wife and supporters. ‘I wish people wouldn’t take my statements out of context like this.’ A spokeswoman for the National Right to Have Abortions Foundation called the statements ‘deeply troubling’. ‘It sounds as if he doesn’t believe that non-religous women should be allowed to choose. We will have to re-evaluate our support for a candidate with so radical, right-wing and oppressive an agenda’, said Skysinger Obramowitz, public relations manager for the group. Support for **Johnny L.A.** plunged sharply overnight, raising new questions about a campaign that yesterday seemed headed straight for the top. The **Johnny L.A.** campaign earlier was the subject of contoversy from the American Cherry Pickers Association, a trade group representing the Washington cherry industry, over **Johnny** ’s remarks in favor of apple pie. ‘A lot of folks feel excluded by his hateful attack on the decent, hard-working folks in the cherry business’ was the catch-phrase of a “information campaign” earlier this year waged against the once-stellar campaign. Next on News at Nine[sup]TM[/sup] - can the **Johnny L.A.** campaign claw its way back from this disastrous and catastrophic mistake? Film at eleven." Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/16 "2005-04-29T15:30:51Z")
I feel that it is important to point out that I like cherry pie and apple pie equally. I also like pecan pie, pumpkin pie, lemon merengue pie, berry pie, chocolate cream pie, mincemeat, and cheescake. Speaking of cake, I like many kinds of cakes as well. If I am elected President, people will be free to choose the pies of their choice, cakes, or any other dessert without prejudice. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/17 "2005-04-29T15:32:33Z")
You will have to change your name. Any name with **L.A.** in it will be an immediate turnoff for a considerable number of voters. Since you now live in Washington State, consider something with a unique Pacific Northwest theme to it. **Johnny St. Helens**? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/18 "2005-04-29T15:53:11Z")
So now he’s going to let us eat cake? he he he … Our boy has learned a great lesson from our current president: When confronted with an issue which will not further your agenda by addressing it, ignore it completely. The people will forget if you let them. It’s really the only thing I DO like about Bush. He simply refuses to let himself get bogged down with sticking bandy-aids on those he injures. Unscrupulous, determined and unappologetic. Perfect for the job. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/19 "2005-04-29T16:12:48Z")
So you don’t think obesity in America is a problem? Admit it - you are getting campaign contributions from Betty Crocker, aren’t you? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629/20 "2005-04-29T16:45:32Z")
> [@Duckster](#): > > You will have to change your name. Any name with **L.A.** in it will be an immediate turnoff for a considerable number of voters. > > Since you now live in Washington State, consider something with a unique Pacific Northwest theme to it. > > **Johnny St. Helens**? What? And deny his heritage? Plus, there is a lot of money and influence in Hollywood and a California connection didn’t hurt Raygun from being elected - twice! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-think-you-should-elect-me-president/301629.md?page=2)