# I Thought I Could Change Him (Her) But... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 5, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465 "2009-08-05T20:40:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/1 "2009-08-05T20:40:05Z")
We have all read the story, seen the movie, etc ,where the woman (usually the woman but sometimes the man) decides to marry the man, even though they know he has an annoying habit and you thought you could change him (or her) but now you’ve given up, realizing there is no hope for change. I am looking for little things not major problems, like alcoholism or abuse, or drug use or gambling. I am thinking of “putting his clothes in the hamper,” “putting the toliet seat down,” “remember to lock the door,” “stop putting the empty milk carton back in the fridge.” ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/2 "2009-08-05T20:47:53Z")
_…and this Bird you’ll never cha—a----a—a-----a—a---a—nge. I want to fly high, oh Free Bird yeah…_ (insert most awesomest triple Southern Fried guitar solo ever written) ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/3 "2009-08-05T20:52:39Z")
Socks all over the house, and the goddamned cabinet doors. What’s so hard about closing a cabinet door? Ooh, and he uses the lip of the tub as his own private shelf for q-tips and toilet paper he has blown his nose in and such, and it ends up down the drain or in the tub or just sitting there looking at me. ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/4 "2009-08-05T20:54:59Z")
He’s late. All the time. For everything. It drives me crazy. I’m habitually, crazily on time constantly. An event can start at 5. Ahead of time I’m thinking, “OK, it’ll take 20 minutes to get there, better plan for 30 just in case of traffic. I need half an hour to get ready, and I need to do these certain things before I even start getting myself ready… So I better start getting my act together at 3:45.” He would think, “The event starts at 5, so that mean some time around 5 or so I should start thinking about what I need to do to get ready to go” And he’d be 2 hours late. We’ve been married 13 years. No change. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/5 "2009-08-05T21:05:18Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Socks all over the house, and the goddamned cabinet doors. What’s so hard about closing a cabinet door? Mine does that too! It is such a small thing that I let it go since I’m sure he has things he doesn’t like about my behavior that he doesn’t complain about but I’m still afraid I’m going to lose an eye to his inability to close the cabinet door properly. ---
**Author:** ![supergoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@supergoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/supergoose)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/6 "2009-08-05T21:21:08Z")
Maybe you should ask him/her what you do that he/she doesn’t like and negotiate a trade in behavior modification. I’m sure it would be much better motivation. Just try not to let it devolve into a pissing contest of minor annoyances in revenge for one party not upholding their end of the bargain. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/7 "2009-08-05T21:22:13Z")
My wife used to leave the cabinet doors open in the kitchen, but then she stopped. And then she started again, a year or so later. I bore it silently for a while, but there came a day when every low cabinet door was open in the kitchen … And Lady Lacha had been at work all day. Turns out one of our cats, Jelly, had been walking around, popping open the doors. Bathroom cabinets, too. And my wife was getting ready to cuss me out for it as well! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/8 "2009-08-05T21:23:05Z")
**autz** , your husband and my mother must be the same person. Drives us nuts. I’m fanatical about leaving for scheduled events waaaay early (probably as a result), and it drives my kids nuts. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/9 "2009-08-05T21:25:28Z")
> [@supergoose](#): > > Maybe you should ask him/her what you do that he/she doesn’t like and negotiate a trade in behavior modification. I’m sure it would be much better motivation. Just try not to let it devolve into a pissing contest of minor annoyances in revenge for one party not upholding their end of the bargain. While you’re absolutely correct in what you say, that’s why I thought it’d be an interesting topic for a thread. I mean let’s face it, there’s enough big issues without worrying about the small things. But I thought it’d be interesting to see what minor behaviours you thought you could change but now just gave up on, because, well they’re so little they’re not worth arguing over ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/10 "2009-08-05T21:28:08Z")
Lateness, as well. He has certain things that always need to be done. I think he got a little OC about brushing his teeth after having to get braces as an adult, for example. So, no matter if he’s running behind or not, all the routines have to be gone through, so we are often late for stuff. Also, he won’t compromise his schedule for me, but if his boss asks him to work overtime, he does. ---
**Author:** ![BobArrgh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bobarrgh/32/2881_2.png) [@BobArrgh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobArrgh)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/11 "2009-08-05T22:00:23Z")
I’ve always heard it said that in a typical marriage, the man hopes the woman will never change, but she does, and the woman hopes the man will change for the better, but he doesn’t. So, having said that, I wish she would close the left refrigerator door all the way. Other than that, she’s just about perfect! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/12 "2009-08-05T22:14:42Z")
I often wish my SO would stop playing computer games and interact with me on a more frequent basis, but it’s not happening. Long game sessions do seem to be related to his stress levels, so I try not to complain. ---
**Author:** ![MoodIndigo1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@MoodIndigo1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MoodIndigo1)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/13 "2009-08-05T22:18:30Z")
> [@autz](#): > > He’s late. All the time. For everything. > > It drives me crazy. I’m habitually, crazily on time constantly. > > An event can start at 5. Ahead of time I’m thinking, “OK, it’ll take 20 minutes to get there, better plan for 30 just in case of traffic. I need half an hour to get ready, and I need to do these certain things before I even start getting myself ready… So I better start getting my act together at 3:45.” > > He would think, “The event starts at 5, so that mean some time around 5 or so I should start thinking about what I need to do to get ready to go” And he’d be 2 hours late. > > We’ve been married 13 years. No change. I had to check where you live, **autz** , I feared we might both be married to a bigamist. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2009, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/14 "2009-08-05T22:46:49Z")
He eats constantly. He is a scrawny thing, 135 lbs soaking wet, but he can’t watch a movie or TV show or something without snacking. It’s not enough to have a sizeable dinner, he’s got to follow it up with potato chips, and he has to follow the chips up with a bowl of frozen fruit, and fifteen minutes later he is thinking about eating again. As someone who has been focused very carefully on food portion sizes and NOT snacking between meals, this is driving me more nuts than usual lately. But alas, it’s not gonna change. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/15 "2009-08-06T01:45:28Z")
He can’t goddamn SEE things that are right there in plain sight. “Where’s the shampoo?” (right where it should be on the shelf in the bathroom). “Do we have any ketchup?” (right there in the refrigerator). “Are we out of Doritos?” ( there is a bag right there on the counter)… I put away the old video game stuff that no one has played in years, into a clearly labelled box next to the washing machine, AND left a note where the stuff had been stating “video game stuff is in a box next to the washing machine”. So I’m away for a weekend and guess who had been turning the house upside down looking for the video games until stumbling across that box by sheer luck??? :smack: What IS it with this dork, anyway? Taking things to work? They have to be in a paper bag directly in front of the door, with a big note saying “take this to work!” If the paper bag is on the kitchen table, it gets left behind.:smack: ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/16 "2009-08-06T02:02:12Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > He can’t goddamn SEE things that are right there in plain sight. This reminds me of one of the all time best lines from _the Honeymooners_. Ralph is looking for something and Alice tells him it’s in the top drawer. Ralph goes over and looks and says “its not there.” Alice) It MUST be there Ralph) Well it isn’t, you’re always telling me things like that. You don’t mean MUST be what you mean is MAY BE. Alice calmly walks over to the top drawer open it and picks up the item, calmly walks back to Ralph and says: “This must be it. MAYBE.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Easy\_Easter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8c91f0/32.png) [@Easy\_Easter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Easy_Easter)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/17 "2009-08-06T10:20:25Z")
Spending his waking hours watching “Law & Order”, Japanese game-show re-runs, and taunting Dopers. ---
**Author:** ![SunSandSuffering](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@SunSandSuffering](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SunSandSuffering)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/18 "2009-08-06T11:19:35Z")
> [@Daithi\_Lacha](#): > > My wife used to leave the cabinet doors open in the kitchen, but then she stopped. And then she started again, a year or so later. I bore it silently for a while, but there came a day when every low cabinet door was open in the kitchen … > > And Lady Lacha had been at work all day. > > Turns out one of our cats, Jelly, had been walking around, popping open the doors. Bathroom cabinets, too. And my wife was getting ready to cuss me out for it as well! 😃 Brilliant story! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/19 "2009-08-06T11:55:49Z")
> [@supergoose](#): > > Maybe you should ask him/her what you do that he/she doesn’t like and negotiate a trade in behavior modification. I’m sure it would be much better motivation. Just try not to let it devolve into a pissing contest of minor annoyances in revenge for one party not upholding their end of the bargain. I tried that with my mother and ended up adding another item to the list: “never holds up her end of a bargain.” ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/20 "2009-08-06T12:20:54Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > This reminds me of one of the all time best lines from _the Honeymooners_. > > Ralph is looking for something and Alice tells him it’s in the top drawer. > > 🙂 I HATE this - my wife will tell me “it’s in the drawer in the bedroom” - well sorry darling, we have 16 drawers in the bedroom, which one are you talking about? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465.md?page=2)