# I Thought I Could Change Him (Her) But... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 5, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465 "2009-08-05T20:40:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Lucky\_13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucky_13/32/13209_2.png) [@Lucky\_13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucky_13)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/21 "2009-08-06T14:08:24Z")
There were major things my ex refused to change, but one of the minor ones was chronic lateness. I think it started at birth - his mom says he was born a month after his due date. Even now, when we schedule visitations with my daughter and he gives a specific time, I know to add an hour to the time he estimates he will arrive. I don’t doubt the man will be late to his own funeral. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/22 "2009-08-06T14:31:52Z")
> [@Lucky\_13](#): > > There were major things my ex refused to change, but one of the minor ones was chronic lateness. I think it started at birth - his mom says he was born a month after his due date. Even now, when we schedule visitations with my daughter and he gives a specific time, I know to add an hour to the time he estimates he will arrive. I don’t doubt the man will be late to his own funeral. Heh I say the same thing to my wife, often - “you’d be late for your own funeral”. Drives me crazy, and worse, it means I get to be late for everything as well. There is literally no way to persuade her to be on time for anything; nagging just slows her down even more. ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/23 "2009-08-06T14:35:44Z")
I thought, or rather, I _hoped_ I might be able to change Mr. Del’s picky eating habits. Somewhat in my defense, I learned early on when we were dating that his mother wasn’t a very good cook, so I assumed part of the problem might be related to quality of the food. The fact that despite having access good quality food of wide variety didn’t change the pickiness really bothered me for, oh, a year, maybe? Then I learned more about this “supertaster” thing, which, I’ve got to be honest, I’m not even sure is a real thing with a scientific basis, but regardless, he fits the description. He’s especially perceptive of anything even vaguely bitter. I’m a devoted foodie and I think I have a pretty good palate, but he has amazed me by being able to detect tiny amounts of flavors in foods, much more sensitively and accurately than I can. After that, I realized “wow, it must taste _that_ bad/strong to him” and mostly got past it. ---
**Author:** ![Dublin11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Dublin11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dublin11)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/24 "2009-08-06T14:42:02Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > I HATE this - my wife will tell me “it’s in the drawer in the bedroom” - well sorry darling, we have 16 drawers in the bedroom, which one are you talking about? The thing about this which quite a few men I have known seem incapable of grasping is that if it is a thing you need, or a thing belonging to you, why do you need me to tell you where it lives? You should already know. It’s odd that you expect me to know where it is when you claim not to know yourself and we both live here. All that said, if you’re looking for something of hers she’s asked you to get for her, then yes sir, she should certainly tell you which drawer she means. ---
**Author:** ![Sigmagirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c89c15/32.png) [@Sigmagirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigmagirl)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/25 "2009-08-06T14:43:59Z")
Re never being able to find things “lost in plain sight” – and then does he accuse you of hiding it? Mine does! ---
**Author:** ![Floppy\_Joe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3bc359/32.png) [@Floppy\_Joe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Floppy_Joe)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/26 "2009-08-06T15:33:16Z")
1. The wife usually explains/describes anything in vague terms. “The thing was out of place.” Even in the context of what she’s saying, its difficult to determine what she’s talking about. Being a former computer programmer, I pride myself on the precision of my speech. Which may make me over-sensitive to this “fault”. 2. Over-explains many mundane details. (Sounds like an oxymoron between the two.) In the worst case, I may ask a simple yes-no question. All I’m looking for is a simple one word response. The usual response requires waiting for several minutes before she gets to a response that will satisfy me. Sometimes that doesn’t even happen. I’m then forced to repeat the question, or rephrase it. She gets exasperated with me sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Redwing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dfb087/32.png) [@Redwing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Redwing)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/27 "2009-08-06T15:58:46Z")
She puts books ‘away’. Meaning she takes and book that isn’t on a bookshelf and puts it on a bookshelf. Or in a pile of books next to some of the shelves. She doesn’t pay attention to what books she puts where, so things have been known to vanish. We recently reorganized the shelves, and she says that she’ll put things back in order (we put stickers with the LoC call numbers on the inside covers). She’d tell you I don’t see things that are right in front of me. She’s finally reached the conclusion that white boards with check boxes and arrows have the highest percentage chance of getting me to notice something (honestly, even then it’s only about 80% effective) ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/28 "2009-08-06T16:02:39Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > He can’t goddamn SEE things that are right there in plain sight. “Where’s the shampoo?” (right where it should be on the shelf in the bathroom). “Do we have any ketchup?” (right there in the refrigerator). “Are we out of Doritos?” ( there is a bag right there on the counter)… I put away the old video game stuff that no one has played in years, into a clearly labelled box next to the washing machine, AND left a note where the stuff had been stating “video game stuff is in a box next to the washing machine”. So I’m away for a weekend and guess who had been turning the house upside down looking for the video games until stumbling across that box by sheer luck??? :smack: What IS it with this dork, anyway? Taking things to work? They have to be in a paper bag directly in front of the door, with a big note saying “take this to work!” If the paper bag is on the kitchen table, it gets left behind.:smack: I thought this kind of thing was simply related to the fact that some men think a uterus is a homing device, able to locate anything, and a person with a uterus (or who has ever had a uterus) automatically knows where everything is, even if said uterus-bearer has never even heard of the item before. My father and my (male) boss both do this, and it drives me crazy. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/29 "2009-08-06T17:17:55Z")
My husband is completely unable to follow a schedule and then complains that he doesn’t have time to do what he wants. So, he asked for help. We sat down together and wrote down a schedule for weekdays so the house gets cleaned up and we both have time to work on our separate projects and/or relax with each other. He has never followed it. Not once. We put the schedule together two weeks ago. He continues to complain about how he “doesn’t like the way he’s living his life” and how he needs a schedule. Gah! I really don’t care if he uses _our_ schedule or his own or Santa Claus’s, but if he’s going to bitch, he needs to do something about it. The complaining has been going on for months and it’s getting very, very old. Also, he strips down to his boxers and undershirt everyday the moment he walks in the door. I don’t mind, but what I do mind is him leaving a trail of pants and shirts from our entryway into the family room. Unsurprisingly, our three-year-old also leaves a trail of clothes all over the house whenever it’s time to change his clothes. He also does _exactly_ what I tell him to in the kitchen and claims ignorance when I ask him why something else hasn’t been done. For example, he offers to help after dinner. I say, “Thank you! If you could clean up the kitchen, that’d be a big help.” He says, “Okay, what do I do? What needs to be cleaned?” “Well, there’s the cutting board and knife over there, and if you could put the food away, that’d be great. Let’s see - there are a few other pots and dishes to wash, too.” I come back and the food has indeed been put away, but the only thing that’s been washed is the cutting board and knife. All our dirty plates are stacked next to the sink and the rest of the dirty pots and pans _may_ have migrated in that direction, but I wasn’t specific enough to say, “the few other dishes include the pot that the food is in now after you put the food away, the other dirty pot right next to it and the ladle. Oh, and could you put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, plus the cups and the silverware?” I don’t get how those items are NOT encompassed by “a few other pots and dishes” when they’re freaking _all over the place_. ---
**Author:** ![TheFaerie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c57346/32.png) [@TheFaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheFaerie)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/30 "2009-08-06T18:49:24Z")
He will not touch my clean laundry. If I leave clean, folded clothes in the hamper, he will put his own away (which is nice), but will leave my stuff there. I don’t have a fancy clothes arranging system. I’m happy if it’s on a hanger on my side of the closet. I keep my sock and undies in open baskets in that same closet, a very easy system, really. Would it break his arm to take two seconds to put my stuff away, too? Also, he hangs up his dirty shirts and slacks so that when laundry day comes I either have to sniff all off his shirts to see which ones need to be washed or I have him come upstairs and get his dirty clothes himself. Annoys the hell out of me. Apparently his first wife had a nervous breakdown of some sort involving doing his laundry and that left him scarred for life. He’s 56. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Call\_Me\_Shirley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Don\_t\_Call\_Me\_Shirley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Call_Me_Shirley)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/31 "2009-08-06T19:38:25Z")
> [@Markxxx](#): > > This reminds me of one of the all time best lines from _the Honeymooners_. > > Ralph is looking for something and Alice tells him it’s in the top drawer. Ralph goes over and looks and says “its not there.” > > Alice) It MUST be there > > Ralph) Well it isn’t, you’re always telling me things like that. You don’t mean MUST be what you mean is MAY BE. > > Alice calmly walks over to the top drawer open it and picks up the item, calmly walks back to Ralph and says: > > “This must be it. MAYBE.” > > 🙂 In addition to this, I would add the following weaknesses in Ralph Kramden’s character: 1. Rotten bowler 2. Rotten pool player 3. Rotten cornet player 4. Doesn’t speak French And of course, 5. Doesn’t pay his debts. ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/32 "2009-08-06T19:48:59Z")
> [@Daithi\_Lacha](#): > > Turns out one of our cats, Jelly, had been walking around, popping open the doors. Bathroom cabinets, too. And my wife was getting ready to cuss me out for it as well! 😃 I just had an idea for a business. Customer walks in, says, “My spouse hates it when I…” whatever. Using myself, I’d say the ex hated it when I left lights on. OK, so for me, you get a cat and train it to flip light switches. Bring that kitty home and wait for some sweet exoneration. Great thing is, the ex would have forgiven a cat anything. So come on down! We train cats so they will… leave the toilet seat up leave hair in the tub drain hang their unmentionables over the shower curtain rod etc. ---
**Author:** ![Jelly\_Roll](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Jelly\_Roll](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jelly_Roll)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/33 "2009-08-06T21:06:06Z")
He leaves lights on all over the house. He’s late to everything. He refuses to put dirty clothes in the hamper. He puts them in a chair next to the hamper. . . . Remind me why I’m married again? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/34 "2009-08-06T21:20:35Z")
> [@Jelly\_Roll](#): > > Remind me why I’m married again? :dubious: Warm tummy on which to put your chilly feet? ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2009, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465/35 "2009-08-06T22:28:24Z")
Neurotic vs. Real Deficits? Neurotics often are intolerant based on prejudice and neuroses. Who’s to say?- Usually the neurotics, because of their obsessions. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-could-change-him-her-but/505465.md?page=1)