# I thought I was a newbie, but Noooo! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 6, 2005, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065 "2005-04-06T17:47:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/81 "2005-04-11T18:13:40Z")
_The Shire!_ **Kythereia** , you laughed at my tiger-cub joke, so I gotchya your back! **Vorpal blade goes "snicker-snack"** ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/82 "2005-04-11T18:32:53Z")
Daithi, you did it! You cut it to pieces! _jumps for joy, hugs hard_ …Wait… Those pieces of the Squck… they’re… :eek: :eek: :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/83 "2005-04-11T19:03:36Z")
Aw, _man_! Why is Dukas’ “The Sorceror’s Apprentice” playing over the PA system? Hmmm… Dukas? Duck-ass? Maybe it’s a clue… ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/84 "2005-04-11T19:06:36Z")
Daithi–! _grabs sleeve, yanks towards the pieces of the Squck_ _They’re multiplying!_ ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/85 "2005-04-11T19:15:08Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > Daithi–! _grabs sleeve, yanks towards the pieces of the Squck_ > > _They’re multiplying!_ OK, hack-n-slash ain’t working here… have to use our brains… what do ducks and squids hate worse than anything? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/86 "2005-04-11T19:44:31Z")
Um… the kitchen? ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/87 "2005-04-11T19:53:52Z")
Of course! Cooking! \*Get a frying pan and spatula! \* ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/88 "2005-04-11T19:54:49Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Um… the kitchen? _Grins evily_ Who’s got a Cuisinart? Let’s see it re-spawn from _that_! ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/89 "2005-04-11T20:02:35Z")
But how do we lure it into the kitchen? ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/90 "2005-04-11T20:35:28Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > But how do we lure it into the kitchen? Let’s see… what do ducks and squid _love_ more than anything? Breading! Or breadcrumbs, anyway… mmm… fried calamari… Now - who’s got crumbs? We’ll make a trail… ---
**Author:** ![sneezy5660](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@sneezy5660](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sneezy5660)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2005, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/91 "2005-04-11T23:41:20Z")
Bread crumbs? You want bread crumbs? I have the feeling that ordinary bread will not do. I have, for you monster baiting pleasure, the only thing that will lure them to their doom! Wonder Bread! O.k., who’s got the toaster? ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/92 "2005-04-12T00:15:37Z")
I’ve got a large vot hot oil, that I usually use to defend my fortress. We could use that. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/93 "2005-04-12T01:21:20Z")
Sounds good! Now, about that Monster Bread… all the holes that the 1920’s-style “Death Ray” made in the walls of the Squd Room [sub]sorry about that[/sub] have opened the way to the kitchen _and_ the storeroom, among other places. Just a minute. :: \*\*Sunsoace[ ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/94 "2005-04-12T01:26:14Z")
(Well drat! I hit a key combination that posted! That wasn’t intentional. [sub]I wonder what it was…[/sub] ) :: **Sunspace** leaves the Squid Room through one of the holes and returns with a struggling bag of Monster Bread. Help me tear this up and lay a trail to the kitchen. ---
**Author:** ![sneezy5660](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@sneezy5660](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sneezy5660)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/95 "2005-04-12T01:57:37Z")
I’ve never laid a trail before! \ I’ve also never torn up bread that fights back! Do you think that vat of hot oil that Regallag has would help subdue the bread? What happened to all of our help go? I don’t think three is enough to deep fry a calamari duck. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/96 "2005-04-12T03:22:07Z")
:: As if it heard the word ‘tearing’, the Monster Bread struggles more violently. Its bag falls from **Sunspace** ’s arms and lands on the floor. The Monster Bread quickly shreds the side of the bag and exits… and then pauses, as if surveying the room. The Monster Bread homes in on the body of the dead duck. As it moves across the floor, it leaves a clean trail, free of all the assorted phlegm, water, fragments of squck that had been liberated by the 1920’s-style “Death Ray”, and other organic debris. The Monster Bread reaches the dead duck. It appears to dig its way into the side of the duck’s body. It starts to expand. After a while, the duck starts to crumple in on itself. Soon it is hidden by the now-much-larger bread. After a while, only the Monster Bread remains. The Monster Bread pauses, and seems to survey the room. The humans have backed away from it and are staring at it. Mariah is invisible in her tank. Unnoticed to anyone in the room, one of the Death Ray holes has exposed a control room, and its occupants are watching as well. The fragments of the squck are scattered across the floor; its remaining mobile part is oblivious to the events in the room. The Monster Bread starts toward the squck. They meet. And as before, after a while, only the Monster Bread remains. It methodically searches the room, consuming all the organic debris, even the ring left by the flood on the wall. Metal parts of the remaining chairs gleam and appear slightly pitted, but the rattan webbing between them is gone. The Monster Bread reaches the door to the Squid Storage Room and pushes its way through. A few moments later, there is a splash. :: ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/97 "2005-04-12T12:00:27Z")
Well, I know _I’m_ never going to look at a baguette in the same way from now on… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/98 "2005-04-12T16:48:43Z")
And what is a baguette but a crusty baked tentacle of bread? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/99 "2005-04-12T17:03:51Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > And what is a baguette but a crusty baked tentacle of bread? 🙂 Heh. almost blew salad all over my keyboard on that one… So - do you think Mariah needs rescuing? Heaven forfend she might come in handy for any further hazi- uh, “initiations.” ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2005, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065/100 "2005-04-12T17:08:11Z")
Hey, guys, did we even finish **sneezy5660** ’s initiation ritual? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-thought-i-was-a-newbie-but-noooo/298065.md?page=6)