# "I want to do terrible things to your face with a fork..." Where did I get this? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 14, 2003, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535 "2003-09-14T07:28:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535/1 "2003-09-14T07:28:58Z")
At some point during the last ten years or so, I’ve adopted this slightly hyperbolic phrase for my personal use. I just used it in an MPSIMS post, and afterwards hoped the person that it was directed towards would recognize the reference and take it in the humourous spirit in which it was intended. Then I realized I’ve forgotten where it came from myself. I’m not sure, but I imagine it in a sort of Peter Lorre voice – although the image seems a little graphic for the time period. (Unless it’s maybe from _Arsenic and Old Lace_, where comedic license allowed them to push it a bit farther? I can imagine Dr. Einstein warning Mortimer that big brother might do such a thing, but I certainly don’t remember it, and I’ve seen that movie quite a few times.) I’m thinking it might possibly be one of Ren’s lines from _Ren & Stimpy_, since John K’s voicing of Ren is largely a vague Peter Lorre impersonation. I’m puzzled that I can’t seem to find any online ref’s for it, though. Surely every memorable line uttered on Ren and Stimpy has been marked down somewhere on the intraweb, somewheres. (I’m holding out a faint hope that I’m being foiled by the archivist’s poor spelling.) I’d hope that the same applies for old Peter Lorre movies. Please tell me that some kind Doper out there remembers where this phrase originated, and that it’s not really a product of my own mind, subject to some sort of pathological disassociative process. Please. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535/2 "2003-09-14T07:41:40Z")
There’s a very similar line in one of Steve Martin’s comedy albums. He starts some story with the offhand comment “I was sitting at home doing terrible things to my dog with a fork.” If no one chimes in with the details by tomorrow, I’ll see if I can find which album it’s from. ---
**Author:** ![Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/earl_snake-hips_tucker/32/3269_2.png) [@Earl\_Snake-Hips\_Tucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earl_Snake-Hips_Tucker)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535/3 "2003-09-14T11:07:53Z")
I wonder if it’s a reference to “The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover.” ---
**Author:** ![Knighted\_Vorpal\_Sword](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ac91a4/32.png) [@Knighted\_Vorpal\_Sword](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knighted_Vorpal_Sword)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535/4 "2003-09-14T13:49:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Robot Arm \* > \*\*There’s a very similar line in one of Steve Martin’s comedy albums. He starts some story with the offhand comment “I was sitting at home doing terrible things to my dog with a fork.” If no one chimes in with the details by tomorrow, I’ll see if I can find which album it’s from. \*\* I believe that the line is from _Let’s Get Small_, 1977. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535/5 "2003-09-14T14:13:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Robot Arm \* > \*\*There’s a very similar line in one of Steve Martin’s comedy albums. He starts some story with the offhand comment “I was sitting at home doing terrible things to my dog with a fork.” If no one chimes in with the details by tomorrow, I’ll see if I can find which album it’s from. \*\* This was my first thought, too. As a side note, check out this article from 1977 - particularly the last line: [Here it is](http://www.stevemartin.com/press/newsweek_77.php). ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535/6 "2003-09-14T14:16:23Z")
Aaaaaaaaaaaand since that was 1977, and he was thinking of giving his album that title, and it was his first album, and “Let’s Get Small” was his first album, and released in 1977…I’d suspect **Knighted Vorpal Sword** is correct. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535/7 "2003-09-14T17:05:03Z")
Yes! That’s exactly where it came from – but I haven’t had that album in my possession since the eighties. Thanks so much, folks. Jeez, I wonder if anyone else on the planet has confused Steve Martin and Peter Lorre? How bizarre! > [@](#): > > **Hamadryad** : He was thinking of giving his album that title… “Let’s Get Small” might have been called “Sitting at home doing terrible things to my dog with a fork?” I wonder what _that_ would have done for sales? If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my vaccuum cleaner. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2003, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-do-terrible-things-to-your-face-with-a-fork-where-did-i-get-this/201535/8 "2003-09-14T17:09:13Z")
_Now_ I read the link. “I Do Terrible Things To My Dog With A Fork” is much better.