# I want to know if im overreacting on being upset about this situation or not with my girlfriend. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 5, 2014, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721 "2014-05-05T16:38:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/21 "2014-05-05T17:58:22Z")
I’m in the ‘trust her or don’t’ camp. If you weren’t so young as to be in constant contact, texting your every movement to each other, this would not be an issue. How many hours she spends with who, how long she’s known anyone in attendance, and who all she’s with, and what their intentions may be are not your issues. You either trust her - to manage her own affairs, choose her own company, make her own decisions and look after her own interests, - or you don’t. As an adult woman, she should be capable of making her owns choices. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/22 "2014-05-05T18:00:42Z")
Church. Nothing but trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Sigene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df788c/32.png) [@Sigene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sigene)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/23 "2014-05-05T18:06:18Z")
Yeah, I’m an ass for this, but she didn’t \*just \*meet him last week. She’s known him for a lot longer, and is just now getting around to telling you. Probably met the guy first, then he invited her to his church afterwards. But again, I’m an ass for bring this up. ---
**Author:** ![nate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nate/32/13085_2.png) [@nate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nate)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/24 "2014-05-05T18:09:52Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Um, that doesn’t sound like healthy advice. Maybe it’s a little overstated, but it’s all about respecting my SO’s feelings. I don’t want her to feel insecure or jealous and she reciprocates. There’s no need to play these games. A relationship won’t work unless you both want to have it. Once you introduce doubt it’ll spiral out of control… I’ve seen it time and time again. We’ve been in a great relationship for 17 years now and it works for us. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/25 "2014-05-05T18:18:47Z")
You sure do laugh out loud a lot for a guy who’s super upset… You said you were upset that she didn’t call you after you got off work, to make sure you were ok before you went to sleep. Did you call her after she got out of church to see if she was ok before she went to sleep? If not, that’s what they call a double standard. You kept leaving all the decision-making up to her, and then got upset when she made decisions. No backs, dude. ---
**Author:** ![randomguest101](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/48db29/32.png) [@randomguest101](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/randomguest101)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/26 "2014-05-05T18:27:36Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > You sure do laugh out loud a lot for a guy who’s super upset… > > You said you were upset that she didn’t call you after you got off work, to make sure you were ok before you went to sleep. Did you call her after she got out of church to see if she was ok before she went to sleep? If not, that’s what they call a double standard. > > You kept leaving all the decision-making up to her, and then got upset when she made decisions. No backs, dude. I got upset she didnt call me because she knew i was upset. She didnt try to calm me down or even check to see if i was ok. She just said have a good sleep and continued her day with this guy and his friends. And i dont see how me not calling her when she got out of church is relevant because first off, she didnt tell me when she got out of church, and 2nd she was not upset. She was having a good time… ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/27 "2014-05-05T18:37:29Z")
> [@nate](#): > > Maybe it’s a little overstated, but it’s all about respecting my SO’s feelings. I don’t want her to feel insecure or jealous and she reciprocates. There’s no need to play these games. A relationship won’t work unless you both want to have it. Once you introduce doubt it’ll spiral out of control… I’ve seen it time and time again. We’ve been in a great relationship for 17 years now and it works for us. I agree with you. I misinterpreted what you said before. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/28 "2014-05-05T18:40:12Z")
> [@randomguest101](#): > > If it does become a problem… Then it does become my problem no? Seeing that she is my GF right? At the point at which its a problem there are two outcomes. 1. She is accepting of his moves and prefers a local relationship over a long distance one - in which case she sin’t your girlfriend anymore and it isn’t your business. 2. She doesn’t, cries on your shoulder, and you are supporting. But you need to respect that she is a big girl and let her handle the issue when it comes up and ask you for help or support when it happens - not step in to avoid the issue. Moms keep four year olds safe by stepping in but its not how people respect other adults unless the threat is real. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/29 "2014-05-05T18:43:45Z")
OP you are way too passive aggressive with your girlfriend. You tell her to go ahead and go to the party and hang out and that it’s her decision, while quietly seething on the inside and then when it comes to a head you blow up at her for not being there for you when you needed her. In a long distance relationship, you have to have an exorbitant amount of trust. It doesn’t sound like you are capable of this type of relationship. Unless you think you can get over your jealousy issues, I would recommend that you break it off, and let her go on and enjoy her life on OKC, otherwise you are just going to make her and yourself miserable. ---
**Author:** ![kbear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kbear)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/30 "2014-05-05T19:32:53Z")
Wow. Hubby and I don’t talk that much in one day and we’re both retired and in the same house all day long! Seriously tho…if you’re going to have a long distance relationship, there’s no way it can be like you’re living together and knowing what each other is doing every moment of the day. She should be entitled to a life of her own. Sounds like she was having fun and felt excited to be with new friends probably for the first time since she moved there. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/31 "2014-05-05T20:23:56Z")
> [@](#): > > I got upset she didnt call me because she knew i was upset. She didnt try to calm me down or even check to see if i was ok. She shouldn’t have to! None of this is her job, dude! Calm yourself down, take care of your own upset, you’re a grown ass man! She just went about her business? Like a grown ass adult? Who didn’t do anything wrong? Good for her! Try and emulate some of that maturity. If you cannot handle a relationship with an adult woman, capable of making her own life choices, without having to answer to you for her every decision, then you should stick to dating girls in your town. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/32 "2014-05-05T20:31:37Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > OP you are way too passive aggressive with your girlfriend. You tell her to go ahead and go to the party and hang out and that it’s her decision, while quietly seething on the inside and then when it comes to a head you blow up at her for not being there for you when you needed her. In a long distance relationship, you have to have an exorbitant amount of trust. It doesn’t sound like you are capable of this type of relationship. Unless you think you can get over your jealousy issues, I would recommend that you break it off, and let her go on and enjoy her life on OKC, otherwise you are just going to make her and yourself miserable. agreed with all of this. I was in a LDR (I was in Ohio, he was in Los Angeles) for… some amount of time that I cannot immediately recall or calculate. Communication is absolutely paramount because it’s basically all you have. And no relationship makes sense if there isn’t just some basic trust. OP, I can understand feeling weird about some of your gf’s decisions, but your behavior in talking about them was really counterproductive. Don’t tell people you are fine with decisions you aren’t fine with. Don’t encourage people to do things you aren’t wanting them to do. If you have objections to things, speak them. You don’t have to say, “It’s my way or the highway, bitches!” You can say, “Actually, this makes me feel a little insecure. I might be irrational, but I’m worried. Can we talk about it more?” If the person doesn’t want to? That’s a sign, much more of a sign than a failure to read your mind ever could be. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/33 "2014-05-05T20:44:37Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > She shouldn’t have to! None of this is her job, dude! Calm yourself down, take care of your own upset, you’re a grown ass man! > > She just went about her business? Like a grown ass adult? Who didn’t do anything wrong? Good for her! Try and emulate some of that maturity. > > If you cannot handle a relationship with an adult woman, capable of making her own life choices, without having to answer to you for her every decision, then you should stick to dating girls in your town. Yep. Absolutely. And your emotional well-being/feelings of security is NOT HER PROBLEM. They’re yours. ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/34 "2014-05-05T20:45:52Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > She shouldn’t have to! None of this is her job, dude! Calm yourself down, take care of your own upset, you’re a grown ass man! > > She just went about her business? Like a grown ass adult? Who didn’t do anything wrong? Good for her! Try and emulate some of that maturity. > > If you cannot handle a relationship with an adult woman, capable of making her own life choices, without having to answer to you for her every decision, then you should stick to dating girls in your town. It’s not that simple when in a long distance relationship. Since you rarely see each other, texting and talking constantly often becomes the norm. Maybe it’s not healthy but it’s a way to stay in touch. Mine worked best when we did not stay in constant contact though. We set aside time at night to talk for a while. We had more to say by saving it up for for one big talk. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/35 "2014-05-05T20:59:49Z")
You’re in a bad situation OP. The guy is probably interested in your gf, that’s a given. You can’t keep telling her to make her own decisions and then fussing at her for them. I’d let her do what she wants, but tell her nicely how you feel. Like that it’s great she has friends, but to realize this guy probably wants more than a friendship so to be on the lookout for that. Really, I think if you want things to work you need to quit doing the long-distance thing, assuming it’s possible and it is what you both want. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2014, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/36 "2014-05-05T21:43:13Z")
LDRs are the pits. I was engaged to my husband-to-be and we lived apart for 6 months. In those 6 months we fought more than we ever had, or have since. We were both in our early 20s and he was in NYC with all the other young new recruits, men and women included. They were painting the town, going to baseball games and comedy clubs or hanging out in their apartments together. Meanwhile, I was back home feeling sorry for myself because I was working extra shifts to pay for our new home. My best advice is to live your life, just as she is doing. Go out with friends, play sports, do whatever you used to do before she came along. Because focusing on her all the time, whether she’s in town or out of town, is unhealthy. This constant texting back and forth, and counting the number of minutes in between texts, will drive you batshit insane. Plus, it makes you look insecure and paternalistic. At the end of the day, it’s either going to work between the two of you or it’s not. If her friends ultimately become her lover, there’s really nothing you can do about it. So trust her to do the right thing, if you want to preserve the relationship. P.S. It worked for us only because he came home. Had we stayed apart much longer, we’d have broken up. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2014, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/37 "2014-05-06T00:45:38Z")
> [@randomguest101](#): > > I actually know she isnt going to cheat on me. I actually know that she is. Correction: It’s only cheating if she’s planning to keep you, which she isn’t. She will do what is called “dumping you, and giving you notice after giving him the ol’ rooty toot.” > [@randomguest101](#): > > I have no idea what his intentions are. I do. > [@randomguest101](#): > > …or if his looking for a gf with a bf or what. What. He is looking for a gf with a soon-to-be-ex bf. He’s found one. > [@randomguest101](#): > > On top of that, i think hanging out with a guy u just met for 24 with no break in between is just retarded regardless of trust or not. It might send the guy a false message or whatever. I think that you are the one receiving false messages. She’s already let you know that her good times with loverboy are more important to her than your feelings. You’re on the way out, dude. Cut her off now, don’t show up on her doorstep crying about loving her, and don’t call her anymore. Sorry, pal, that’s the way these things work. ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blue_blistering_barnacle/32/3386_2.png) [@Blue\_Blistering\_Barnacle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Blistering_Barnacle)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2014, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/38 "2014-05-06T01:14:44Z")
> [@nate](#): > > Maybe it’s a little overstated, but it’s all about respecting my SO’s feelings. I don’t want her to feel insecure or jealous and she reciprocates. There’s no need to play these games. A relationship won’t work unless you both want to have it. Once you introduce doubt it’ll spiral out of control… I’ve seen it time and time again. We’ve been in a great relationship for 17 years now and it works for us. I agree very much with this. It’s also important too face up to your own insecurities, and communicate them if needed. Not so as to squelch your partners opportunities to have fun, but to help them avoid causing you distress. You did yourself and her a disservice by saying, “Go to the party, I don’t care.” Since you did care. You wanted her to go, because you wanted to be the “trusting nice guy”. But she didn’t do it “right”. If this is really her first night out in 9 months and she really clicked with these people, she was probably taken a bit by surprise herself. Still, it would have been better if she would have picked up on your feelings better. And avoided the appearances of impropriety in the first place. IMHO, this is about 80% on you and 20% on her, or thereabouts. Lastly, it is good to be trustworthy and trusting. But LDR’s are difficult. And it’s not good to be stupid. This guy seems to have been pretty persistent on getting your gf to this get-together, making multiple invites, calling to say other girls would be there. You want to get this cleared up, in a calm way that doesn’t encourage prevarication. However this works out (even if you royally screw it up), this should be a growth experience for you if you pay attention. ---
**Author:** ![Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3da27b/32.png) [@Nikki\_Tikki\_Tavi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nikki_Tikki_Tavi)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2014, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/39 "2014-05-06T01:45:29Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > I’m in the ‘trust her or don’t’ camp. > > If you weren’t so young as to be in constant contact, texting your every movement to each other, this would not be an issue. > > How many hours she spends with who, how long she’s known anyone in attendance, and who all she’s with, and what their intentions may be are not your issues. > > You either trust her - to manage her own affairs, choose her own company, make her own decisions and look after her own interests, - or you don’t. As an adult woman, she should be capable of making her owns choices. > [@elbows](#): > > She shouldn’t have to! None of this is her job, dude! Calm yourself down, take care of your own upset, you’re a grown ass man! > > She just went about her business? Like a grown ass adult? Who didn’t do anything wrong? Good for her! Try and emulate some of that maturity. > > If you cannot handle a relationship with an adult woman, capable of making her own life choices, without having to answer to you for her every decision, then you should stick to dating girls in your town. I like you. > [@randomguest101](#): > > Well, I was really tired and grumpy at work because of all this (I had actually not slept from getting upset) and an incident occurred at my job that made me more emotionally upset and just pretty much ruined my day. I tell this to my gf, i said that i was having a bad day(told her what happened at work) and that im really tired from not sleeping and im going to sleep right after work to try and feel better. Now honestly, i was hoping that she would call me at least after i got off work to maybe help me feel a bit better before i hit the bed. LOL. Well nope. I message her when i got off work and that im planning to hit the bed. And she tells me ok, good night. Im still hanging out with the people from yesterday and that her battery was 1%. Then bam, she disappears for 4-5 hours… So… you told her you were exhausted from a long, crappy day at work and that you were going to sleep and then got mad at her saying goodnight instead of texting you while you were trying to sleep? > [@randomguest101](#): > > QUESTION::: I just want to know, after reading all this. Am i maybe just overreacting and should just suck it up? Or am i in the right about this for being really upset? And also, does my gf have any right to be upset at me as well? Yes, no, and yes. If you want something (a phone call, for her not to go to a party, whatever) then open your mouth and say so. You didn’t do that, in fact you did the opposite. “Go ahead and go to the party” and then you’re so upset you can’t sleep over it? You’re only punishing yourself, friend. She can say “I’m going anyways” or “let’s talk about why you’re uncomfortable with it” or any number of responses, but telling her to go and then getting pissed over it isn’t cool. I’m telling you from someone who is in the middle of a breakup with a person does similar things, that shit is poison. Playing “does he mean what he’s saying or is it head games” grinds a person down to the point where whatever is wonderful about the relationship isn’t worth the stomaches of making the “wrong” decision. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2014, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721/40 "2014-05-06T01:48:56Z")
2 or 3 months into a relationship is a pretty common break up point. I wouldn’ take it too serious either way. It will hurt a bit if she goes off or even experiments but you don’t have all that much invested. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-if-im-overreacting-on-being-upset-about-this-situation-or-not-with-my-girlfriend/687721.md?page=3)