# I want to know why you broke up with me. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 4, 2004, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626 "2004-01-04T09:14:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/21 "2004-01-05T15:47:11Z")
Perhaps, **Bubbadog** , you don’t recognize irony when you read it. Allow me to use small words, words with one syll – one small sound each. Such as: shut the fuck up, you dumb prick. It was a bad plan on my part to tell her what I told her. But I did not tell her that she was not deep or dumb or sad. I told her as nice as I could that I did not have much to talk abou – much to say when I talked with her. I told her that what she cared for were not the same things that I cared for. It was a bad plan for me to tell her that. I should have told her, “It’s not you, it’s me.” That would have been a lie, but it would have been a nice lie. I should not have told her the truth. My point was that **threemae** (can’t help the big sound there, it’s his name) might not like what the girl tells him, and that she should not tell him, though he may ask. Ca piche, you butt zit? Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Archergal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c89c15/32.png) [@Archergal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Archergal)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/22 "2004-01-05T17:10:02Z")
Wow, **Jodi** nailed it. Awesome post. ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/23 "2004-01-05T18:00:11Z")
I had this happen to me in August last year (aside: huh, that’s the first time I’ve referred to 2003 as “last year”). I was hurt, yes, though maybe more by the abruptness and the impersonality–she sent me a two-line “Dear John” e-mail when we’d stopped using e-mail to get in touch for over a month–than the breakup itself, as I had had a sinking suspicion for a few days. I thought about not sending her a reply, for the reasons that **Jodi** and others have outlined above. But I decided to do it anyway, if for nothing else to provide a bit of closure for myself. In it I essentially said “I don’t understand, but, since I respect you, I will accept your decision.” I thanked her for the good times we had together, and left it at that. I didn’t know whether she’d respond (she didn’t), but that wasn’t really the point. Now, my situation was a little different than what yours sounds like, **threemae**. But if you feel the need to get back into contact with this woman, I’d go along those lines. Don’t actually ask her why, let her know you didn’t understand, but leave her with her own feelings. You won’t be able to change them for her. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/24 "2004-01-05T18:06:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AnimistDragon \* > **Would you REALLY want [someone] to say, "Well, I just got bored with you. Sorry. Not attracted to you like that anymore."** YES! I would rather hear **the truth** than some lame-ass lie. Just as I was saying in another break-up thread in MPSIMS, people should have the respect and the backbone to tell the truth, no matter how bad it sounds. This aggrivates me to no end. I still don’t know why my boyfriend of 9 years left me, and it’s been a year and a half. I asked the question numerous times, and all I ever got was a lame “I don’t know.” He didn’t have the balls to tell the truth, because it would make him look like an insensitive prick. I wish he did tell me, because then at least I could hate him, and it would have helped me to get over him. Now, I’ll always wonder…and it’s not fair. I know it is hard to tell the truth sometimes because you know it will hurt the other person’s feelings. But it must be done. The last guy I broke up with, I told him the total and complete truth. I told him I knew he wasn’t right for me, and I listed the reasons why. Yeah, I felt a little guilty, but in the end it was the right thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/25 "2004-01-05T18:14:28Z")
Fantastic post **Jodi**. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/26 "2004-01-05T18:44:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by threemae \* > \*\ ***CanvasShoes** , I guess I’m not really hell-bent on restarting a relationship. It’s my first year of college, I’ve met other attractive people, and again, we were only together for two months. This doesn’t just apply to past relationships, you can use it for future ones. If there just isn’t “chemistry”, that’s fine. But hey, that’s a reason two. I haven’t been able to figure out much about what women mean when they refer to “chemistry”, but it generally seems to be regarded as some sort of immutable universal force that can be altered only by god. Whatever. \*\* A lot of men complain about this. Don’t men ever meet/fall in love with someone and then just feel that intense spiritual/sexual/mental connection that simply can’t be adequately described in words? Chemistry, at least in my little blonde world, is that indefineable feeling of “it”. When you are with someone, and you just “know” this is “IT”. You feel it in your heart, soul and mind. It’s not sexual, or not JUST sexual I should say, because a girl can be attracted to someone sexually, but yet “IT” still isn’t there. You can be attracted to someone’s mind, but yet “IT” still isn’t there. Now when everything, heart, soul and mind are all involved, PLUS that little indefineable “IT” that’s chemistry. At least for me. Hope that helps. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/27 "2004-01-05T18:58:46Z")
**nyctea** , to be perfectly selfish here, sometimes telling the other person is too much trouble. The problem with telling the other person is that it inevitably comes across as an attack on them, and the dumpee can get all defensive and retaliatory about it. Unless the dumper is certain that the dumpee isn’t going to freak out, it’s not really worth the effort. Were I able to re-do that dumping, I would’ve answered her requests for explanation with a borderline flat refusal. “I’m sorry,” I would’ve said, “but I don’t think I can explain it.” Not only is that less cruel, it’s also a lot less of a hassle for the dumper. Instead, I did what she asked me to do, and it bit both me and her in the butt. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/28 "2004-01-05T19:16:09Z")
NYCEA – > [@](#): > > YES! I would rather hear the truth than some lame-ass lie. Just as I was saying in another break-up thread in MPSIMS, people should have the respect and the backbone to tell the truth, no matter how bad it sounds. How is it respectful to hurt someone for no good reason? To point out “flaws” they can’t do anything about? To compound the pain of a breakup by making explicit that “breakup = you’re no longer good enough for me”? HELLO? That’s what a breakup _always_ means! If it didn’t, the person wouldn’t break up with you. > [@](#): > > This aggrivates me to no end. I still don’t know why my boyfriend of 9 years left me, and it’s been a year and a half. I asked the question numerous times, and all I ever got was a lame “I don’t know.” He didn’t have the balls to tell the truth, because it would make him look like an insensitive prick. Even if the reason he didn’t tell you was that he didn’t want to look like an insenstive prick . . . sounds like a pretty darn good reasoon to me. You apparently would argue that he has some obligation to make himself _look_ like an insensitive prick, or explicitly _confirm_ for you that he is an insensitive prick, so that “you can hate him.” Tell you what – assume he’s an insensitive prick and go ahead and hate him. Then come back and tell me how and why you’re any better off. And here’s a newsflash for you: maybe he said he didn’t know precisely why he was breaking up with you because _he didn’t really know_. Attraction, chemistry – the “it” that CANVASSHOES is talking about – is cumulative and indefinable. It isn’t just one thing (or two or three of four) and it may not be something you can put your finger on, but if it’s not there, it just isn’t there. How do you articulate that to someone who’s demanding to know precisely why you’re taking a powder? There _is_ no “precise why,” beyond “I just know you’re not the one for me.” Not a very satisfactory answer, is it? Well guess what: As long as it’s the truth, you’re not _entitled_ to a more satisfactory answer. > [@](#): > > I wish he did tell me, because then at least I could hate him, and it would have helped me to get over him. Now, I’ll always wonder…and it’s not fair. Wonder what? You were not the one for him. He couldn’t really tell you why, but he apparently was certain. That _is_ the why, and that is the entirety of the why. You’re dissatisfied with that as an answer? Tough cookies. You do not get to decide what is or is not an appropriate reason for leaving a relationship; you do not get to decide what anyone else is obligated to explain to you; and you do not get to decide that anyone owes you the “favor” of making themselves hateable so that you can get over them more easily. > [@](#): > > I know it is hard to tell the truth sometimes because you know it will hurt the other person’s feelings. But it must be done. The last guy I broke up with, I told him the total and complete truth. I told him I knew he wasn’t right for me, and I listed the reasons why. Yeah, I felt a little guilty, but in the end it was the right thing to do. Right for _you_, you mean. I get really impatient with the argument that telling the unvarnished truth in every situation is always “the right thing to do,” no matter the damage it does and no matter how ultimately useless it may be. I’m certainly glad you felt better for having explained to him in a detailed list all the reasons he wasn’t right for you. I just find it hard to believe that made the situation any easier for him. And I can’t help but thinking that if karma has anything to do with it, you will eventually get exactly what you want: Someone who will tell you in excruciating detail all the reasons why you are not good enough for them, and never will be, and why they would frankly rather be alone than spend any more time with you. That appears to be the sort of breakup you want, and it appears to be the sort of breakup you deserve. ---
**Author:** ![threemae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f9b8f/32.png) [@threemae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/threemae)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/29 "2004-01-05T22:58:09Z")
Alright, alright, I can see the argument for not telling somebody why if you have just fallen out of interest in somebody. I’ve been in the same situation. I cannot explain it either. Every little thing that that person did became excruciatingly annoying, and I couldn’t figure out why. But if you do have a reason, like that person is too clingy, too needy, too whiny, too cute, something definable that you can understand, I still think that it is a reasonable thing to tell someone. I still don’t get “it”. Based on what I’ve seen of “women’s intuition” lately I wouldn’t put much stock into it actually serving as some sort of reliable indicator of the success of a relationship, especially given the way that it appears to come and go. > [@](#): > > Someone who will tell you in excruciating detail all the reasons why you are not good enough for them, and never will be, and why they would frankly rather be alone than spend any more time with you. That appears to be the sort of breakup you want, and it appears to be the sort of breakup you deserve. Christ, that was a little harsh, wasn’t it? For someone that advocates such consideration of other’s feelings, that seemed to be a little on the explicit side. I hope that I would manage to find a slightly more political way to say something if I were in a situation to explain why I was breaking up with someone. ---
**Author:** ![Gangster\_Octopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a8b319/32.png) [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/30 "2004-01-05T23:41:01Z")
My girlfriend broke up with me and explained the whole thing to me and I understood every word she said and even the connotation of the string of words together when she formed sentences, yet I still don’t understand. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2004, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/31 "2004-01-05T23:52:26Z")
> [@](#): > > Christ, that was a little harsh, wasn’t it? Obviously too harsh. Which is, after all, my point. Like I said, the truth is overrated in situations such as this. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2004, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/32 "2004-01-06T02:13:51Z")
> [@](#): > > I still don’t get “it”. Based on what I’ve seen of “women’s intuition” lately I wouldn’t put much stock into it actually serving as some sort of reliable indicator of the success of a relationship, especially given the way that it appears to come and go. Did someone suggest that _intuition_ was involved? I don’t think that has a thing to do with it. And it _probably_ doesn’t have anything to do with individual quirks that are changeable. I think that we respond to the whole package. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2004, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626/33 "2004-01-06T02:46:49Z")
**Jodi’s** posts are spot on. In addition, if you’ve ever been in a situation where an ex cannot get the idea that he’s/she’s now and ex and will not accept the break up (to the point it gets frightening), you learn pretty quickly to just say “I’m sorry, it’s not there anymore and I need to move on.” When you give a reason, some people don’t seem to hear the "it’s over "part. Instead, they focus on the reason and assume all they have to do is change that one thing and you’ll be back with them in no time. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-know-why-you-broke-up-with-me/222626.md?page=1)