# I Want To Start A Cult **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 13, 2007, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920 "2007-05-13T10:19:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/1 "2007-05-13T10:19:20Z")
It seems like a good idea. Get some people together, create a secret handshake, create some lore, get a building and have people meet at odd hours and talk in hushed tones - use the dues to fund the building and utilities and such, with leftover funds for my salary and perhaps do some charity work. So help me create the perfect cult. I am thinking: Make it dark - tattoos and branding would be a good “secret sign”. Make it sinful - lots of nudity and humiliation in initiation rites. Make it exclusive - refuse every third applicant for no particular reason other than making it seem exclusive. Make it debauched - lots of drinking, smoking, cussing and watching porn. Make it seem like it is for the elite. Unofficially exclude a minority (i.e. NO BOLIVIANS ALLOWED!) Create a sacred icon (The Holy Muffin). Design a uniform, with really cool hats. Have a yearly retreat where you have to leave your family and job and go off in the woods (in really nice cabins) for a week or two. Create several holidays and demand employers give you the day off. There is some odd shaving involved. I need a name for my cult. And am I missing anything? ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/2 "2007-05-13T10:29:27Z")
I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/3 "2007-05-13T10:36:34Z")
[QUOTE=Shirley Ujest] I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. [/QUOTE] Congratulations! You’re in! And your official title is “Mistress of Lore”. (See you at the initiation…) ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/4 "2007-05-13T10:37:17Z")
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do we get to listen to Ethel Merman? ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/5 "2007-05-13T10:46:19Z")
[QUOTE=Shirley Ujest] Do we get to listen to Ethel Merman? [/QUOTE] As Mistress of Lore, you should know better than to mention the Sacred Anthems in public! ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/6 "2007-05-13T11:12:06Z")
As leader of the cult, you need a really cool official title. Like : _Revered Counsellor and Formidable Potentate of the Sacrosanct Muffin League_ - all tremble at his name!!! ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/7 "2007-05-13T12:00:50Z")
Just keep in mind that if you start rabble-rousing and the crowd stones you to death, we’re NOT going to eat you. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/8 "2007-05-13T13:20:48Z")
Hmmm…I think part of the trick to running a good cult is using most of the “lower” members as economic cannon fodder, so the higher-ups can do all the really GOOD weird stuff. I mean, look at Scientology. (Or the Nazi party—how many brownshirt thugs do you need to support each SS occult wizard-guy in a spiffy uniform?) ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/9 "2007-05-13T13:23:52Z")
[QUOTE=DMark] And am I missing anything? [/QUOTE] Money. Buying all the hookers ‘n’ blow etc. ain’t free you know. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/10 "2007-05-13T13:42:55Z")
I only read the title of your thread. Count me in. You got any rules? ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/11 "2007-05-13T13:54:59Z")
You need to get tax-exempt status to attract the deep pocket shee… er, congregants. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/12 "2007-05-13T13:57:22Z")
I am not willing to be a member of the fold, but I will consider a high ranking position with profit sharing. I would be a fine choice as enforcer, though obviously a better title is needed. How about Chief Inquisitor? ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/13 "2007-05-13T14:50:28Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] How about Chief Inquisitor? [/QUOTE] Nobody expects a Chief Inquisitor! (I couldn’t resist.) ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/14 "2007-05-13T14:53:31Z")
[QUOTE=Scuba\_Ben] Nobody expects a Chief Inquisitor! (I couldn’t resist.) [/QUOTE] Well, I do speak a little Spanish. “Que? QUE? Quien es?” ---
**Author:** ![meek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce73a5/32.png) [@meek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/meek)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/15 "2007-05-13T15:03:06Z")
I’m in. [sup]But I ain’t drinking the Kool-aid.[/sup] I suggest pajamas and Nikes for the uniforms. We wanna be comfy. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/16 "2007-05-13T15:07:38Z")
[QUOTE=meek] I’m in. [sup]But I ain’t drinking the Kool-aid.[/sup] I suggest pajamas and Nikes for the uniforms. We wanna be comfy. [/QUOTE] Yes, for us upper echelon folks. But the masses must wear hairshirts and practice flagellation, of themselves or others, for our amusement. I can’t emphasize the idea of a hierarchy enough. We must have subjects to abuse. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/17 "2007-05-13T15:08:18Z")
[QUOTE=meek] [sup]But I ain’t drinking the Kool-aid.[/sup] [/QUOTE] That’s okay. There is no Kool-aid. Never was. Now have this nice refreshing glass of FlavorAid and we’ll talk later. ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/18 "2007-05-13T18:11:36Z")
[QUOTE=don’t ask] I only read the title of your thread. Count me in. You got any rules? [/QUOTE] Congratulations! You’re in! Your official title is “Rule Master”. (We like members who don’t read the fine print, and you sound just perfect for the position!) ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/19 "2007-05-13T18:18:20Z")
[QUOTE=FairyChatMom] As leader of the cult, you need a really cool official title. Like : _Revered Counsellor and Formidable Potentate of the Sacrosanct Muffin League_ - all tremble at his name!!! [/QUOTE] Congratulations! You’re in! Your official title is “Goddess of Muffins.” (Entails planning of High Holy Days Ceremonial Rites Etiquette - oh, and there is some baking involved.) ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2007, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920/20 "2007-05-13T18:24:24Z")
[QUOTE=Turek] Just keep in mind that if you start rabble-rousing and the crowd stones you to death, we’re NOT going to eat you. [/QUOTE] Dear **Turek** ; Thank you for your interest, but as the third applicant (see bylaws above) we regret to inform you that you have been blackballed from our cult. If you have lots of money, and have no ties to Bolivia, feel free to re-apply for membership to our cult at a later date. Help yourself to a muffin on your way out. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-want-to-start-a-cult/403920.md?page=2)