# I was a sexual harasser. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 22, 2017, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360 "2017-11-22T02:22:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![zoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/71c47a/32.png) [@zoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoo)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/1 "2017-11-22T02:22:58Z")
Inspired by this post. > [@Slimy men and their slimy words.](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/slimy-men-and-their-slimy-words/802333/8): > > BTW, at this point it lools like we really will need an omnibus sexual impropriety revelations thread, or rather two, one for discussion and another in the Pit for venting. 'cause this ain’t stopping now. I am pitting myself for sexual harassment. Back in the mid 80’s I was working as a bellhop at a resort hotel. I was 19 at the time and there was a cute girl working at the telephone PBX. I took to hitting on her regularly, even though she had a boyfriend, and would “joke” that she should ditch him and go out with me. After a few weeks(?) she pulled me aside and asked that I stop. It seems I was making her very uncomfortable and she was dreading coming to work. I apologized and discontinued my pursuit. We had a friendly working relationship after that and went on to live happily ever after. I have been asking some of the women that I know if they have ever been sexually harassed and all of them said “Yes, many times”. My wife (not the operator chick) has been harassed countless times - Bosses, co-workers, trade show reps, and even some asshole when she was working at the soup kitchen. So I say lets all talk about it. If the girl at the hotel had not spoken up I would likely never have known what an asshole I was. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/2 "2017-11-22T02:43:52Z")
I did worse than you did, I think. I was 20, and a virgin, and by this point kind of obsessed with that status (I wasn’t fond of it, was very tired of being LEFT OUT to be honest) and I intermittently thought “I need to be less nice and more pushy, I guess, and that’s fucked up for sure but that’s what seems to work, based on what I’ve seen and what I’ve heard people say”. Dlsclaimer: I don’t by any means think that every incident of being sexually forward is an act of sexual harassment. But the way I tried it was seriously awful. I was angry about the notion that I should have to do this, to be sexually overt and risk resentful hostility, in order to not be left out, so I had an attitude. I found it easier to put the moves on someone I didn’t know: I couldn’t really handle being viewed as disgusting and creepy by someone who knew me. I somehow managed to con myself into believing that utter strangers probably hooked up all the time with a bump and a glance, and that I was letting all that go unexperienced because I wasn’t trying anything. So one day I was on a bus and most of the seats were taken (but not the seat next to me) and a teenaged girl slipped into that seat. So I experimented with sliding my hand ever so slowly a little closer and a little closer and once contact was attained, sought to expand it to a larger area. I’m really sorry. No one should have to put up with that. I should have been completely able to imagine what that would be like from her perspective without having to see it firsthand. I hope that whoever she was, she hasn’t had to put up with such behavior from other creeps. Every now and then I find myself awake at 4 AM or something and remembering this incident and being horrified at myself. I came to my own terms with the whole “being sexually aggressive” thing within 8 or 9 months (just not my thing, it doesn’t come naturally to me and I’m bloody awful at it) and I have not been a repeat offender. I’m still ashamed of it. She was a small person and probably only 16 or so and by herself, and I made it so she couldn’t feel safe on a public bus. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/3 "2017-11-22T03:09:06Z")
[Ms. **elbows** would like to have a word with the two of you](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=842518) . . . ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/4 "2017-11-22T03:14:35Z")
No need. I see no squirming weaseling in these remarks. I see ownership, sincerity and honest regret. That’s how it should be done. I’m not going to congratulate them for their honesty or anything, I don’t think they need or want that. But I can easily acknowledge the difference, can’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/5 "2017-11-22T03:15:28Z")
we’re all Human and I hope to find females checking in here with similar confessions. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/6 "2017-11-22T03:48:53Z")
I have good news for you. By the definition sexual harassment is unwanted sexual advances or obscene remarks. Just asking someone out isn’t specifically sexual. What you got there is plain old harassment. Congratulations. Eye of the beholder and all that of course. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/7 "2017-11-22T04:04:45Z")
And so Mary stepped onto the bus and who’s fault was it? ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/8 "2017-11-22T04:36:47Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > we’re all Human and I hope to find females checking in here with similar confessions. Why? Because the extremely small number of women who sexually harass in that manner will somehow balance things out if they speak up? ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/9 "2017-11-22T04:45:00Z")
> [@Ulfreida](#): > > Why? Because the extremely small number of women who sexually harass in that manner will somehow balance things out if they speak up? No balance, just a nod to the fact that women do it too. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Claude\_Remains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@Claude\_Remains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Claude_Remains)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/10 "2017-11-22T05:04:02Z")
Furthermore, how many men are willing to claim such events knowing full well they’re gonna have their “man card” pulled and be subjected to ridicule and teasing for not “going for it” by peers? ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/11 "2017-11-22T09:08:56Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > Furthermore, how many men are willing to claim such events knowing full well they’re gonna have their “man card” pulled and be subjected to ridicule and teasing for not “going for it” by peers? You certainly don’t have a very high opinion of men. Some might do that, but I’d guess the majority wouldn’t. That’s not what the thread is about, anyway. It’s about talking about it HERE, not announcing it to friends. Are you trying to derail the thread? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/12 "2017-11-22T10:56:40Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > I hope that whoever she was, she hasn’t had to put up with such behavior from other creeps. Of course she’s had to put up with such behavior. EVERY woman gets to experience this, multiple times over her lifetime because society tells young men it’s OK to do that and tells women who complains to stop making trouble and shames them, or out and out calls them liars, even thought this experience is common to every woman on the planet. That’s what men, especially men like yourself, need to understand - this was an isolated incident for you. For her, it might be just Tuesday and it happens regularly. It certainly happened more than once. > [@](#): > > Every now and then I find myself awake at 4 AM or something and remembering this incident and being horrified at myself. I am certain she wakes up at 4 am or something and remembers the incident with fear and shame. So, good - you “came to terms”. How nice for you. How nice for all of you men confessing here. _What have you DONE to make it better?_ Do you call out other men engaging in that behavior? Because that’s the only way this is going to stop, if men start truly policing themselves. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 10:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/13 "2017-11-22T10:57:56Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > No need. I see no squirming weaseling in these remarks. I see ownership, sincerity and honest regret. > > That’s how it should be done. I’m not going to congratulate them for their honesty or anything, I don’t think they need or want that. But I can easily acknowledge the difference, can’t you? “Ownership, sincerity, and honest regret” _doesn’t fix the problem_. Confession and apology is a FIRST step … have any of them taken any additional steps? ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/14 "2017-11-22T10:59:51Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > Furthermore, how many men are willing to claim such events knowing full well they’re gonna have their “man card” pulled and be subjected to ridicule and teasing for not “going for it” by peers? And it’s exactly that which needs to stop. Men need to be honest. They need to stop fearing ridicule and teasing. They need to truly man up and tell those asshole to STFU and stop abusing half the human race. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 11:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/15 "2017-11-22T11:18:00Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > They need to truly man up and tell those asshole to STFU and stop abusing half the human race. Nitpick: more than half. Very slightly so. **101 women : 100 men** ([Human sex ratio, Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_sex_ratio)) ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/16 "2017-11-22T11:36:32Z")
Regardless, what pisses me off about \*\*Claude Remain’\*\*s answer is the notion that protecting men from “ridicule” justifies treatment of women that keeps them living in fear and shame. It says protecting men’s egos is more important than protecting women’s bodies. Until that attitude changes nothing will change. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/17 "2017-11-22T12:16:58Z")
Certainly. His is a deplorable stance. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/18 "2017-11-22T12:30:11Z")
Don’t get me wrong - I absolutely am behind men who admit wrong doing and seek to change their ways, but “I’m sorry” is just the first step. They have to change their actions, and inactions, as well. ---
**Author:** ![Grim\_Render](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a87d85/32.png) [@Grim\_Render](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grim_Render)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/19 "2017-11-22T12:40:21Z")
The common theme here is young men who are desperate and grew up in a culture that assumes that the man will make the first move, and adds two scoops of “sexual aggressiveness will be rewarded” to the message. People are generally clumsy and unskilled when they start learning something. I could hope that young men today are more enlightened, with social media and the internet providing a vast reservoir of knowledge that just wasn’t available before. But the internet is mostly porn, and the antics of the younger generation does not give me much hope. I really don’t want to come across as downplaying the fact that the women in these stories probably experienced these things as terrible, and their perspective is both valid and more important than Zoo and AHunte3s. But I really think there is a big difference between a 19 year old that comes across badly when trying to pick up a girls, and a apologizes and stops when he gets told that it is unwelcome, and a man in his 30s who gropes a teen or puts the moves on someone in his chain of command. And if we want to stop this, I think addressing the social message that pursuing the object of your desire will lead to success rather than a restraining order is important. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2017, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360/20 "2017-11-22T12:47:56Z")
> [@Claude\_Remains](#): > > No balance, just a nod to the fact that women do it too. Thank you. To all the canine survivors of human bites, please know that we _hear you too_. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-a-sexual-harasser/802360.md?page=2)