# I was just kicked out of a Meetup group. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2011, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184 "2011-01-03T01:13:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/301 "2011-01-06T16:12:33Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > Well sending mail and following stars around sure is a public action and sometimes it has in fact resulted in dates. Cite? Best to provide three to make the word “sometimes” appear justified. > [@](#): > > What we have here is just a much smaller group with one girl this poor guy wanted to meet, actually just get a name at that point, and he is being needlessly battered for that. I haven’t noticed battering–Most of the responses I recall said he’s probably not personally “creepy” but that his actions came across that way. > [@](#): > > There are tons of people doing that same research to people in groups, singers, actresses, models, even smaller groups like waitresses, stewardesses, secretaries and right on down to hiking groups, see? Nothing bad about it, he just asked the wrong person and too soon. Asking the wrong person and too soon is exactly what he’s been criticized for, isn’t it? People have been saying it’s fine to intend to meet someone for romantic reasons in a group like this, he just went about it completely the wrong way and that’s what made him seem creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/302 "2011-01-06T16:22:42Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > Well sending mail and following stars around sure is a public action and sometimes it has in fact resulted in dates. What we have here is just a much smaller group with one girl this poor guy wanted to meet, actually just get a name at that point, and he is being needlessly battered for that. There are tons of people doing that same research to people in groups, singers, actresses, models, even smaller groups like waitresses, stewardesses, secretaries and right on down to hiking groups, see? Nothing bad about it, he just asked the wrong person and too soon. You’re funny even if you’re not trying to be ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/303 "2011-01-06T16:26:26Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > You’re funny even if you’re not trying to be Disturbing is more like it. ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/304 "2011-01-06T16:27:39Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > Well sending mail and following stars around sure is a public action and sometimes it has in fact resulted in dates. But more often in restraining orders. ETA: :smack: I’ve just realised who **Leon497** is… Please OP, do not pay heed to a single batshit word he says. ---
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/305 "2011-01-06T16:29:19Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Disturbing is more like it. I look forward to seeing him in the next “But I’m a nice guyyyyyy why doesn’t she liiike me?” thread. Or on “America’s Most Wanted” whichever ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/306 "2011-01-06T16:37:23Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > Disturbing is more like it. “He’s still funny, only not ‘ha ha’ funny” [/Simpsons] ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/307 "2011-01-06T16:37:28Z")
> [@jjimm](#): > > ETA: :smack: I’ve just realised who **Leon497** is… I just did too, and this thread got about 150% funnier. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/308 "2011-01-06T16:40:02Z")
\*\* whimpers at being left out of the joke \*\* ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/309 "2011-01-06T16:56:28Z")
> [@stpauler](#): > > By the way, I’ve never done one of these Meet-Ups, but is it typically a singles thing? Not specifically. Many Meetup groups are obviously intended as social networking to dating, and some are specifically chartered as singles mingling-type groups, but there are few that are intended for couples, people with children, et cetera, and a lot of them that are just interest groups in a particular activity, organization, or whatnot, and are no more a “singles thing” than a book club or cooking class. Of course, they are–at least in theory–a good way to meet a broad spectrum of active people, many of whom will naturally be single, which is perfectly natural and acceptable. However, Meetup instructs organizers not to share personal information without explicit approval and to discourage situations that could lead to stalking, as they don’t want to end up as an example on the next _Dateline NBC_ report on how the Internet is the harbinger of apocalypse. What the organizer in this case did, while stated in a somewhat harsh manner, was entirely in conformance with those policies. Frankly, in his position I would have done the same thing, as just getting a reputation for having one or two of creepy, not-getting-boundries type members in a group can cause it to collapse. [QUOTE=Leon497] See you are looking at this from the girls point of view and I am looking at it from a guy seeing the picture point of view. [/QUOTE] Which is your mistake. If you want to understand how to motivate someone to do what you want them to do–in this case, be amenable to an invitation to go on a date–you need to figure out what would make her be open and even encouraging to that option. For the vast majority of women, the first step toward that is to achieve some level of familiarity and comfort that you are not obsessive, possessive, jealous, mercurial, misogynistic, or a perennial nose-picker. And the only way to do that is to either come along with favorable references from people she already knows, or to display appropriate behavior to her and to others in her presence. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/310 "2011-01-06T17:01:01Z")
To the OP - Read this and decide if this is how you want to come off to this girl. If you do, keep doing what you are doing. > [@Leon497](#): > > Well sending mail and following stars around sure is a public action and sometimes it has in fact resulted in dates. What we have here is just a much smaller group with one girl this poor guy wanted to meet, actually just get a name at that point, and he is being needlessly battered for that. There are tons of people doing that same research to people in groups, singers, actresses, models, even smaller groups like waitresses, stewardesses, secretaries and right on down to hiking groups, see? Nothing bad about it, he just asked the wrong person and too soon. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/311 "2011-01-06T17:24:33Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Is it any surprise that within five minutes they made an excuse about needing to meet up with some friends, but they “might drop back by later” (which of course they did not)? > > **This is the kind of thing any even moderately attractive woman has to put up with on a regular basis in social situations** , and what most are hoping to avoid at organized events like this. I’m not Mr. Charm and Social Graces, and yet I can certainly understand how these women felt intimidated and why they wouldn’t want to come back. They just wanted to come to the gathering, have a good time, and maybe meet some cool people, one or more of whom might turn out to be worth seeing in a less casual situation. Instead, they found themselves in the water with the sharks swarming and having to spend their energies fending them off rather than just hanging out and shooting some pool. I made an offhand mention of this to the organizer a few minutes later as we were setting up the table for another game, and he responded something like, “Yeah, this happens every time. It’s even hard for me to get my girlfriend to come to these sometimes unless she knows there are going to be a lot of women.” Bolding mine. **Stranger** nailed it. It never really occurred to me, but until I started going to Meetup events 3 months ago, if I went “out” somewhere other than the grocery store, Target, I always went with a guy. I had a lot of guy friends in high school and college and went places with them mixed in the group or with someone I was seeing. Parties, bars, pool halls, clubs, dinner - always with a guy friend in the mix, that I met through normal channels of student government, sports teams, dorm living, class, friend of a friend, etc. I didn’t realize they were a shield against the masses until Meetup. Now nearly every Meetup involves a few dudes showing up, asking any fairly attractive girl in various ways if they’re single. I’ve started to say things like “I’m not looking to date” to the question (instead of “I’m not single”), because guys should know it’s _really_ inappropriate to treat the Meetups like a hookup scenes/speed dating. I don’t want to confuse the issue and have them go off thinking they don’t have a chance because I’m in a relationship; they don’t have a chance because “I’m not looking to date”, which they should take to mean “I’m not interested in you”. The saddest part of the whole thing is the creeps, weirdos, and nutjobs scare women away from the truly interesting/nice/fun guys, like **Stranger** in his story. I’m extremely careful about the Meetups I now go to - I will only go if I know someone already OR if I know someone that’s going (that I haven’t personally met) has been vouched for by a friend I trust. So if a friend or a friend-of-a-friend isn’t going, I’m not going. If I were new to Meetup, I would meet at a very busy place and have a friend go with me or, if you’re 100% new to a city and know absolutely nobody, would have a friend (wherever they are) call me 30 minutes and then an hour into it, so that I could leave easily if need be. I’m not even a remotely paranoid person, but the situation demands that you be alert and aware of your surroundings and that you have an exit strategy in place. It also forces you to realize that your guy friends are more than just friends; they’re your protectors, consciously or unconsciously. ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/312 "2011-01-06T17:28:48Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I 100 percent agree. If the person truly is as crazy as you think, than all you do by antagonizing him is encourage him to be worse to you. And that’s all the guy was doing–antagonizing the OP. > > I also think that many people in the thread did the same thing, making the OP defensive. Now he’s less likely to accept our ascertainment of the situation. This is an oddly condescending view of the OP, IMO. His willingness to hear good advice is not completely out of his control, nor is there any evidence that people like the organizer shouldn’t interact with him in a direct fashion just like they would anyone else. You do him no favors by placing primary responsibility for his feelings and reactions on others, instead of himself. > [@deanc2000](#): > > Telemark, yes you are right, I like hiking too. I love nature and the great outdoors. But a good part of hiking is also the social aspect of it. Right? Is this not a social situation? I’m not “hitting on women” during these hikes. I’m making friends, sharing, being social. If a “relationship” doesn’t happen, that’s fine. It’s not that I would be solely talking to this person the whole hike. I’d try to meet everyone in the group. This post stood out for me, as it gave off the same vibe as the Tom Cruise comment in the OP. It’s an “OK, I’ll admit I was wrong…but I still think I was right.” sort of statement. Also, you’re focusing on technicalities, in an attempt to argue your way around reality. Regardless of whether you like hiking or were going to also use the Meetup hiking group for its intended purpose of socializing with people who share common interests, your actions are those of someone whose primary goal is to pursue specific women you find attractive. Seriously, don’t do this. I know it feels more efficient than wasting your time going on hikes with nothing but married couples and ugly people, but it’s a bad strategy. Just live an interesting life, and when you find yourself having a good conversation with someone you find attractive, see if they want to get together again some time – you’ll be a lot more successful than with your current strategy. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/313 "2011-01-06T17:55:03Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > \*\* whimpers at being left out of the joke \*\* Same. I want to laugh too. ☹ > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Now nearly every Meetup involves a few dudes showing up, asking any fairly attractive girl in various ways if they’re single. I think it’s funny how many MeetUp groups come with the giant disclaimer: THIS IS NOT A DATING GROUP. The first time I met up with a group, I went alone. People were mainly chill except this one guy who was all up in my shit. When I was leaving, “So where are you going now?” Um, home, you freakshow. Stop bothering me. He was the main reason I stopped going. That and the group leader is a total prick. I made a cool friend there who I still hang out with, which I guess was kind of the point, so yay me, and boo creepy weird guys for making people reluctant to join these kinds of social groups. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/314 "2011-01-06T17:57:12Z")
Not _people_. Just hot chicks. If you were ugly you wouldn’t have had that problem. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/315 "2011-01-06T17:58:14Z")
> [@Tom\_Scud](#): > > I just did too, and this thread got about 150% funnier. Yeah so okay let us in on the secret maybe? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/316 "2011-01-06T18:00:01Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Not _people_. Just hot chicks. If you were ugly you wouldn’t have had that problem. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! I don’t feel like having the “You don’t even have to be hot to have loser creepy guys harassing the shit out of you” conversation again. Last time we had it, it went on for 13 pages, and there was a lot of name-calling involved. You jerk. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/317 "2011-01-06T18:01:24Z")
> [@Frylock](#): > > Yeah so okay let us in on the secret maybe? He was the target of [this pitting](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=588659). ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/318 "2011-01-06T18:17:10Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Because smacking someone down is jerkish behavior. It can be justified in certain situations, but this was not one of them. > > The whole idea is based on the real life version of slapping someone for doing something you don’t like. It’s purpose is not to correct, but to cause pain. > > Some people on this board seem to only be able to see in black and white. No, both people were wrong in this situation. The thing is, it’s the OP that is asking for advice, so all we can do is tell him how to prevent this stuff in the future. It would be pointless to try to tell the group leader what to do. I just thought it would be polite to let you know, – you’ve been [Pitted](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=591791) (Not for this thread) > [@Leon497](#): > > acs, so it is terrible to pick someone from a picture lineup and try to get a date that way huh? Are you aware there are thousands of internet dating sites that all do JUST that? After many many people use those and have for years, why would it seem so odd to pick a picture out of any group and try to meet them? The key phrase being “Internet DATING sites.” :rolleyes: And your celebrity example could not have been worse – many of them have to deal with stalkers. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/319 "2011-01-06T18:26:43Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I don’t feel like having the “You don’t even have to be hot to have loser creepy guys harassing the shit out of you” conversation again. Last time we had it, it went on for 13 pages, and there was a lot of name-calling involved. You jerk. Well, not at bars. But apparently it helps on hikes. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/320 "2011-01-06T18:42:32Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I think it’s funny how many MeetUp groups come with the giant disclaimer: THIS IS NOT A DATING GROUP. Without knowing anything about it previously, the name MeetUp would imply dating to me. I know why they say that, but suppose you are single and meet an interesting person during a MeetUp, you shouldn’t refrain from trying to get to know that person. In a non-creepy way of course. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=17)