# I was just kicked out of a Meetup group. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2011, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184 "2011-01-03T01:13:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 17
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/321 "2011-01-06T18:58:35Z")
> [@control-z](#): > > Without knowing anything about it previously, the name MeetUp would imply dating to me. I know why they say that, but suppose you are single and meet an interesting person during a MeetUp, you shouldn’t refrain from trying to get to know that person. In a non-creepy way of course. But that’s not what it means to many/most people. Meet Up is just people of all stripes and types meeting up for an activity. It’s not a forum for dating unless the group is explicitly listed as dating. Of course, people may meet and decide to date, but that is most assuredly not the main purpose. If they wanted to call it HookUp they would have. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/322 "2011-01-06T19:03:03Z")
Righto. They have Meet Up groups for pretty much everything. Kickball, knitting, divorce support, books, Scrabble, art, you name it. Again, it’s like everything else in life. You don’t have to purposely avoid asking someone out who you like; relationships develop organically all the time in settings that were not specifically engineered for meetings dates, but please do not turn the kickball group into your sleazy pick-up bar. I’m not here to get laid. I’m here to kick things. ---
**Author:** ![Asympotically\_fat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e47c2d/32.png) [@Asympotically\_fat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asympotically_fat)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/323 "2011-01-06T19:04:11Z")
> [@deanc2000](#): > > I think people are misunderstanding me. > > 1. I just was asking for the woman’s name. NO OTHER INFORMATION. My goal was to meet her, so I needed to know which hikes that she was going to be on. I couldn’t find her on the member’s list, so unfortunately I asked the organizer to give me her name. I was not trying to skip the getting to know you phase like people are assuming. I wanted to meet her, so I needed to know which hikes she was going on. > > I had no motive other than wanting to meet her. > > 1. Okay, I admit the above behavior is “creepy”, and will not occur again. I’m not perfect, this was a learning experience for me, something I will never forget. > > 2. I do believe that the organizer over-reacted in this case, and dismissed me unfairly, despite the fact that the behavior was wrong. Not sure I wholeheartedly agree with 1) and 3). With 1) and 3) okay your intentions weren’t terrible, BUT look at from the angle of the girl and the group leader. The girl’s reaction was a natural and importantly PREDICTABLE result of your behaviour. All the group leader was doing was executing his duty of care towards a memebr of the group (the girl). Tbh he could’ve been nicer about it, but he hardly owed that to you, an otherwise perfect stranger. He did entirely the right thing by excluding you from the group. What if your behaviour was an indicator of more sinister intentions? How was he to know it wasn’t? Anyway don’t worry about 1) and 3), don’t try to justify or minimize your behaviour AT THE SAME TIME though don’t beat yourself up about it as that is unlikely to be productive. Instead focus on 2), i.e. learn from your mistake and move on. That is a sufficient reaction to your mistake. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/324 "2011-01-06T19:11:10Z")
I think some guys misunderstand the point of the advice “go out and do stuff if you wish to meet women”. Part of that is of course that you won’t meet many people if you stay at home (though in the era of the Internet, that is no longer so true - you can at least communicate with plenty from the comfort of your own home). The other part … you will develop as a person, become more confident and interesting (and thus more attractive to women) if you are involved in going out and actually doing stuff. If you want to meet women, becomming a hiker as a hobby isn’t a bad idea, even if you have absolutely no intention of dating your fellow-hikers - because you are getting out and doing something that develops body & mind, you have an interest you can share. Same goes with many another hobby, interest and passion you can take up. ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/325 "2011-01-06T19:35:46Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I’m not here to get laid. I’m here to kick things. I’m not sure the two are mutually exclusive. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/326 "2011-01-06T19:44:38Z")
Ooh, kinky… ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/327 "2011-01-06T19:52:22Z")
Can’t women just say “I’m not here to date” and leave it at that? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/328 "2011-01-06T19:53:40Z")
We can and we do. That does not absolve the guys from being annoying shitheads. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/329 "2011-01-06T20:11:35Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Can’t women just say “I’m not here to date” and leave it at that? You know the arcade game, where you bop down one of the puppets that pop up, only to have two or three replace it? It doesn’t matter how many people you tell no, there will always be more. Especially if you’re not lilly white - you fit the bill as “unique” or “ethnic”. ETA: > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I’m not here to get laid. I’m here to kick things. Amen. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2011, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/330 "2011-01-06T20:22:06Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Can’t women just say “I’m not here to date” and leave it at that? Even that declaration will be met by questions from the Clueless Horndog Gang. “Are you gay?” “Are you married?” “Are you too good for us?” She’ll get tired & leave. Hey, maybe she’s not 100% opposed to the possibility of “dating.” Possibly. Eventually. After she gets to know a guy & thinks he might be worthwhile. But the guys who really like hiking or pool or whatever & don’t think with their pricks will get left behind, too, if the creeps get too annoying. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 7:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/331 "2011-01-07T07:51:08Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > Here is another observation: Before you feel too bad about yourself and how mean this guy got, think about WHY she was not on the meetup list in the first place. Didn’t this authority guy make that list? No, “authority guy” didn’t make the members list. The members list is automatically generated by the [meetup.com](http://meetup.com) website to reflect those who have selected to join that particular group. Click the “join” button, and you’re on the list. It’s really unlikely that the group organizer had any deeper personal feelings involved with this girl than the basic (and appropriate) desire to maintain his hiking group as one where _all_ members can feel safe and have a good time. As for whether Meetup groups are singles events, the only Meetup group I regularly participate in is a career support group for professional actors. Everything is business/career-related, there’s not even a whisper of people showing up for the meat market. In fact, new members get provisional memberships only until they attend a meeting and talk to one of the organizers in person. Anyone who didn’t pass the sniff test of being serious about their career would get booted. In any case, you just can’t bypass the normal getting-to-know-you stages, mostly because you need affirmative consent from the other party to successfully engage in an interaction with them. What that other person thinks of you _matters_ in their decision whether or not to consent to interacting with you. Even on dating websites, not only do profiles contain basic “who I am as a person” information, but there are any number of safeguards built into the website that prevent a total stranger from gaining access to your real-world private information: contact can only be made through the dating site, unless and until the person chooses to bypass that by providing an off-site method of contact (and therefore consenting to be contacted that way). Hell, anyone seeing my dating profile doesn’t even know my name. I can also block people from contacting me if they become a problem. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/332 "2011-01-07T12:48:46Z")
It’s difficult to imagine a world where semi-attractive men have to go out with women friends to shield themselves from strange women making creepy sexual advances. ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/333 "2011-01-07T18:08:23Z")
> [@fluiddruid](#): > > This is exactly why the Meetup organizer referenced, albeit a bit prematurely, “stalking”. Persuing someone doggedly despite being told in no uncertain terms that your behavior is inappropriate is not laudable, it is – at best – being creepy or a total asshole. > > Contrary to what most romantic movies would tell, you, chicks do not dig it when random strange men are “determined” in this manner. It’s not positive behavior and it makes many of us very uncomfortable to deal with. Unless the guy is cute of course 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/334 "2011-01-07T18:27:48Z")
> [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > Unless the guy is cute of course 🙂 Not necessarily. I’ve been approached in ways I find inappropriate or threatening by many a physically attractive man, and their creepy behavior totally negated their physical appearance. ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/335 "2011-01-07T19:17:21Z")
> [@rhubarbarin](#): > > Not necessarily. I’ve been approached in ways I find inappropriate or threatening by many a physically attractive man, and their creepy behavior totally negated their physical appearance. I have no doubt. However, I also have the experience of sisters, women friends, daughter and her friends…I’ve noticed if the guy is cute then the ‘creepiness’ seems to subside as well. ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/336 "2011-01-07T19:59:44Z")
> [@alice\_in\_wonderland](#): > > Sorry OP - you were totally creepy. > > Had you actually gone hiking and met _ALL_ of the group members including Hottie-Biscotti and then inquired it would have been cool, but to start pumping the organizer for her info before you’ve met anyone in the group in person is creepy in the extreme. > > I’m in a Knitting Meetup group. I go to knit. If I found out that some dude had seen my pic on the website and wanting my contact info I would be totally freaked out. Maybe he’s an innocent perl-diver? 😃 All smarmy aside, I agree with this reply. The lack of propriety is unnerving. Cartooniverse ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/337 "2011-01-07T20:25:39Z")
I once thought I might like to start hiking. Thanks to this thread, I know not to join a hiking group. You might as well go tapdancing in a minefield. Is solo hiking something that people do? I’d imagine it’s kind of dangerous if you don’t have a lot of experience. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/338 "2011-01-07T21:19:12Z")
> [@cuauhtemoc](#): > > I once thought I might like to start hiking. Thanks to this thread, I know not to join a hiking group. You might as well go tapdancing in a minefield. > > Is solo hiking something that people do? I’d imagine it’s kind of dangerous if you don’t have a lot of experience. It’s dangerous if you DO[.](http://www.foxsearchlight.com/127hours/).. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/339 "2011-01-07T23:03:06Z")
> [@cuauhtemoc](#): > > Is solo hiking something that people do? I’d imagine it’s kind of dangerous if you don’t have a lot of experience. I go solo hiking all the time. Of course, I’ve been hiking and backpacking since childhood, have been through a couple of outdoor survival courses, am experienced in land navigation and orienteering, and carry a whole store of self-rescue equipment, plus I’m footloose and fancy free, so if I end up as mountain lion jerky nobody is going to cry. I don’t really care for the social aspect and tend to travel much faster and stop less frequently than most hikers. If you’ve never been hiking or have only limited backcountry experience I’d recommend hiking with a group. Despite what you’ve heard here, most hiking groups discourage “hookup” behavior precisely because it does interfere with continuity of the group. If you don’t like any of the Meetup groups that you see, check out Sierra Club or other local outdoor groups for led hikes. While a lot of these are “active singles”-type venues, hounding behavior is discouraged and people who display it are generally vetted from the group. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2011, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/340 "2011-01-07T23:17:26Z")
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