# I was just kicked out of a Meetup group. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2011, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184 "2011-01-03T01:13:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/41 "2011-01-03T05:50:13Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Wouldn’t something like this have been a tad more mature: That would still imply that it was ok for the OP to come along on the hike, but it clearly wasn’t OK with the organizer. Frankly, in his shoes, it wouldn’t be OK with me either. If that truly isn’t what that group is about, I’d feel awkward letting someone into the group knowing full well the only reason they are there is to court one person. > [@](#): > > I also think that “look, pal” was a bit over the top, and it was pointless to engage in name-calling and arguing over whether the Tom Cruise anecdote was creepy. Yeah, the ‘look pal’ thing was a bit odd. At that point, it seems like the guy had already made up his mind and was just having fun (and getting frustrated) at the OP’s expense. The OP sent an email asking for the girls contact info. If I were the organizer I would have just said “I’m sorry, I can’t release that information” and left it at that. Further emails would have gone unanswered. Most any person could understand why an event coordinator can’t give out information about attendees to a random person on the internet. If the coordinator really felt like it, he could have asked the girl how she felt about it. If she felt at all weird about it, just give the answer I said above. “I’m sorry, I can’t release that information” (as opposed to “she said…”) and move on. If she was okay with it, I’d give his info to her, let him know that I did that and move on to let the two of them do what they want. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/42 "2011-01-03T06:04:26Z")
“Female”?? Is that how you always refer to women? That, in and of itself, is enough to raise the “socially inept” flag for me. It’s just not the most flattering term to use for a woman. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/43 "2011-01-03T06:06:06Z")
Eh, it was unprofessional, but a meet-up group leader doesn’t really have to be professional. It’s his group, and it’s his rules. When you are running a public group like that, there is no doubt that you deal with your share of yahoos, creeps, trolls and shadesters. If you want to make it clear that one of those guys is not welcome to your hiking group, and you don’t feel like being polite about it, hey it’s a free country. For all you know, that woman could be the group leader’s wife. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/44 "2011-01-03T07:28:04Z")
> [@kimera](#): > > I got creeped out by reading your post. Why use the term ‘female’ and not ‘woman’? Seriously. It makes you sound like a Ferengi, or someone describing the mating habits of waterfowl. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/45 "2011-01-03T07:41:38Z")
I wondered if my balking at “female” was an English thing. I see it’s not. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/46 "2011-01-03T08:03:45Z")
> [@Red\_Barchetta](#): > > You’re asking the wrong question. You should be asking, “Is what I did creepy?” To which the answer is: Yes. +1 ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/47 "2011-01-03T08:10:16Z")
Unless the group is described as “For Singles” and “dating”, I wouldn’t assume that anyone is there to find a date. It could be better just to go down there, and let people get to know you first. Anyway, “my group my rules”. ---
**Author:** ![Bean\_Wrangler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9de053/32.png) [@Bean\_Wrangler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bean_Wrangler)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 9:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/48 "2011-01-03T09:37:46Z")
**deanc2000** , As a fellow who has my share of ungraceful moments, I would not toss you into the “creepy” bin, because I can relate. You did seem to jump the gun alot, much like in “Tommy Boy” when Chris Farley explains how he takes care of his sale. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCyaXh-VZco&feature=related](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCyaXh-VZco&feature=related) I’d say relax, and chalk this action up to expereince. I’ve found that I can make this mistake over and over again without learning UNLESS I take a time and actively tell myself "Ok, step 1. Join group. Step 2. Go on 3 hikes to get to understand/feel culture of group. Step 3. Have a few pictures taken with group to demonstrate acceptance and overall incorporation into the group. Are we here? Ok, so NOW, is this chick that I was interested in around/still interesting/not engaged ina relationship? Step 4. Start out with the friendship to proceed to ask out for a post hike coffee. I wouldn’t stress out about it too much, because this is all part of life. Once you actually talk yourself through the process a couple times, it starts to become natural (so I’ve found). Don’t give up, and don’t be put down with the simple “yea, your a creep”. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/49 "2011-01-03T12:10:57Z")
The OP probably isn’t a creep, but in this instance he **acted** in such a way as to resemble one. So I understand that it’s insulting to be thought of as some yucky stalker dude, but the organizer is trying to protect his group and the members in it. As others have said, get to know people first before moving in on a complete stranger who you think is cute, and don’t argue with someone who’s telling you that he thinks you’re doing kind of scary things, especially by pulling out an anecdote about how movie stars meet and marry. ---
**Author:** ![OneChance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/74df32/32.png) [@OneChance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneChance)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/50 "2011-01-03T12:21:13Z")
In my opinion, the creepiest part was that you actually know how Tom Cruise met Nicole Kidman. ---
**Author:** ![ecco477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b2d939/32.png) [@ecco477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ecco477)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/51 "2011-01-03T12:24:21Z")
> [@deanc2000](#): > > Falling Leaves- I tried to find her, but couldn’t find her on the list. > > Thanks for the input all. This is a lesson I learned the hard way. Sometimes I just have no common sense. It’s one of my weaknesses. > > God, I hope this has no far reaching repercussions on my other hiking groups. Do you think he’ll raise the alarm with the other groups. > > Should I write an apology email to him? I do see the light now. You sound like a very determined person. That is a GOOD quality in the RIGHT environment. Say…if you were a researcher uncovering the mysteries of cancer–or a teacher trying to help someone challenged. I am a very persistant person myself, although I have Asperger’s. I tend to harp on subjects that I should let go. It sounds like you were doing the same with this girl, stubbornly curious. You also “pushed” to come to an understanding about your behavior. This is obviously a personality trait that could be funnelled in a remarkable direction. That should be applauded, not called names. Good for you! Being on this message board asking. If you were truly a creep, you wouldn’t want an honest answer to that question, and you did. You accepted everyone’s very harsh answers diplomatically. Good job there too. I don’t think I would have been so humble with the bashing. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/52 "2011-01-03T12:28:06Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Am I the only one who thinks that, while the OP was WAAYYY out of line, the group organizer also acted less than professionally? He isn’t running a business, he’s not charging people to hike with him, he and his friends just like to go hiking. Calling him out for being unprofessional is like calling out someone on the Dope for posting something that’s unprofessional. He has no obligation to treat creepy people who email him like valued customers. ---
**Author:** ![ecco477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b2d939/32.png) [@ecco477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ecco477)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/53 "2011-01-03T12:30:21Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > Another aspect is, who knows what the story between these group members is anyway - for all we know, maybe the organizer is interested in that woman himself and that’s why he doesn’t want you moving in on her. 🙂 I picked up on that myself ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/54 "2011-01-03T12:35:07Z")
> [@ecco477](#): > > I picked up on that myself Or, maybe she’s married, or a lesbian, or asexual, or newly widowed, or maybe people shouldn’t look like they join up with online groups only to immediately press the organizer for the name of a woman and then appear to **not take no for an answer**. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/55 "2011-01-03T12:36:50Z")
Ditto to the preceding posts. But I’m curious about something. To the OP: Why DID you want her name and contact info before you even went on the first hike? You said you liked to hike and wanted to join for that reason first before you even saw her picture. What was the urgency about finding out about her right away? Just wondering. ---
**Author:** ![velvetjones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5f9b8f/32.png) [@velvetjones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velvetjones)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 12:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/56 "2011-01-03T12:48:05Z")
The biggest red flag for me (and possibly the group organizer) is that your focus seemed to be meeting a cute female, not hiking. Many meetup groups are there simply for like minded people to engage in a certain mutually enjoyed activity without the pressure that comes with a singles/dating type of group. If you’re going to contact him again a sincere apology without excuses is the only way to go. (and no asking to get back in the group). Best of luck. ---
**Author:** ![Keith\_Berry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/22d042/32.png) [@Keith\_Berry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Keith_Berry)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/57 "2011-01-03T13:04:15Z")
Not to pile on, but exactly why did you want her name in the first place? Were you going to go up to her and say, “Hey, (fill in name), how are you doing?” That would have creeped her right the fuck out. ---
**Author:** ![Morgenstern](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Morgenstern](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morgenstern)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/58 "2011-01-03T15:22:53Z")
Agree with the group leader. A wise man would have quietly gone on a few events and gradually introduced himself to the young lady. ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/59 "2011-01-03T15:52:23Z")
> [@ecco477](#): > > You sound like a very determined person. That is a GOOD quality in the RIGHT environment. Say…if you were a researcher uncovering the mysteries of cancer–or a teacher trying to help someone challenged. I am a very persistant person myself, although I have Asperger’s. I tend to harp on subjects that I should let go. It sounds like you were doing the same with this girl, stubbornly curious. You also “pushed” to come to an understanding about your behavior. This is obviously a personality trait that could be funnelled in a remarkable direction. That should be applauded, not called names. This is exactly why the Meetup organizer referenced, albeit a bit prematurely, “stalking”. Persuing someone doggedly despite being told in no uncertain terms that your behavior is inappropriate is not laudable, it is – at best – being creepy or a total asshole. Contrary to what most romantic movies would tell, you, chicks do not dig it when random strange men are “determined” in this manner. It’s not positive behavior and it makes many of us very uncomfortable to deal with. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/60 "2011-01-03T15:54:43Z")
> [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](#): > > I wondered if my balking at “female” was an English thing. I see it’s not. Meh. I say “female” all the time. It’s an Army thing. There are no women or men in the military, just males and females. I like it because it doesn’t have the implied gender roles attached to it, which is the whole point of the Army’s use. I use it any time I’m neutrally referring to people in passing “It’s right past the two females with the hats, then a left.” ::Shrug:: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=4)