# I was just kicked out of a Meetup group. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2011, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184 "2011-01-03T01:13:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/61 "2011-01-03T15:56:29Z")
> [@ecco477](#): > > You sound like a very determined person. That is a GOOD quality in the RIGHT environment. Say…if you were a researcher uncovering the mysteries of cancer–or a teacher trying to help someone challenged. I am a very persistant person myself, although I have Asperger’s. I tend to harp on subjects that I should let go. It sounds like you were doing the same with this girl, stubbornly curious. You also “pushed” to come to an understanding about your behavior. This is obviously a personality trait that could be funnelled in a remarkable direction. That should be applauded, not called names. Yeah, but people aren’t like professional goals or tasks. They’re…well, people. Who wants to be pursued as though they’re some kind of promotion or achievement? ---
**Author:** ![Lacunae\_Matata](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lacunae\_Matata](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lacunae_Matata)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/62 "2011-01-03T16:00:57Z")
OP: If your social antennae are that far off, maybe you can prevent this sort of thing next time by asking yourself “Would I feel uncomfortable is someone pursued my mother/sister/best female friend/favorite cousin in this manner?” I don’t doubt that you aren’t creepy, but I would find your behavior very creepy IRL. ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/63 "2011-01-03T16:08:46Z")
IMHO, you presented yourself as someone who could be a creep. That doesn’t mean you are one. I wouldn’t get too down on myself if I were you–just live and learn. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/64 "2011-01-03T16:42:09Z")
Y’know, I can’t see how the OP’s behavior was all that creepy. Tactless, perhaps, but creepy? I don’t think so. We live in a culture where we’re very oversensitive to “creepiness”. If he had joined the group with the intention of getting in with this woman, that would be creepy. But it seems that he found out about her after he joined. If he had emailed the group leader asking for her phone number, email address, or where she lived, that would be creepy. Asking what her name is? That’s not terribly personal information and I don’t get a creepy vibe from that. HOWEVER, the OP stated he asked the organizer for her name, but the organizer shot back that it was very creepy he ask for her email address. Which is it? If the latter, then yes, creepy. ---
**Author:** ![Balthisar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/balthisar/32/2825_2.png) [@Balthisar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balthisar)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/65 "2011-01-03T16:42:57Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > Meh. I say “female” all the time. It’s an Army thing. There are no women or men in the military, just males and females. I like it because it doesn’t have the implied gender roles attached to it, which is the whole point of the Army’s use. I use it any time I’m neutrally referring to people in passing “It’s right past the two females with the hats, then a left.” For the same reason, I guess, I didn’t have a problem with the use of “female” and it didn’t seem all that strange to me. I’m going to have to try to catch myself using it, and pay attention to other peoples’ reactions, I suppose. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/66 "2011-01-03T16:54:25Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > Y’know, I can’t see how the OP’s behavior was all that creepy. Tactless, perhaps, but creepy? I don’t think so. We live in a culture where we’re very oversensitive to “creepiness”. If he had joined the group with the intention of getting in with this woman, that would be creepy. But it seems that he found out about her after he joined. If he had emailed the group leader asking for her phone number, email address, or where she lived, that would be creepy. Asking what her name is? That’s not terribly personal information and I don’t get a creepy vibe from that. > > HOWEVER, the OP stated he asked the organizer for her name, but the organizer shot back that it was very creepy he ask for her email address. Which is it? If the latter, then yes, creepy. You need to understand the context. It’s a longstanding problem in many hiking groups that men go simply to pick up women. There have been many creeps, and it’s not a great feeling to be 6 miles from the road and stuck with someone who you find creepy or even somewhat threatening. Women who are uncomfortable going on these trips to begin with can feel helpless and dependent once in the woods. In setting up these groups a lot of us try extremely hard to avoid any appearance of that environment. Now, people often find friends and dates among the people they hike with. Like minded people often do when engaging in activities they enjoy. But it’s best when they happen via mutual interest and shared experience. Any impression that women are being stalked or evaluated like that will cause the group to fall apart. The difference between asking for a name or an email address is not really important in that context. He’s going to find out her name on the hike, why ask beforehand? I see this a lot in meetup hiking groups. Leaders are on the alert for it and that’s probably why you got such a harsh response. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/67 "2011-01-03T17:03:48Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > Y’know, I can’t see how the OP’s behavior was all that creepy. Tactless, perhaps, but creepy? I don’t think so. We live in a culture where we’re very oversensitive to “creepiness”. If he had joined the group with the intention of getting in with this woman, that would be creepy. But it seems that he found out about her after he joined. He had joined only in the barest sense of the word. As far as I can tell he had not communicated with any member in any fashion other than the organizer. Thus, socially, he was not yet a member of the group. If he had waited until he actually met a number of the different participants (such as by, say, going on a scheduled hike), it might be taken as bit agressive or unwelcome, but not creepy. By asking for information before he had met any of the participants, much less the woman in question, he gave every indication that he “had joined the group with the intention of getting in with this woman.” Let me turn it back on you – how would a person who “joined with the intention of getting in with this woman” have acted any differently than the OP did act? At any rate it’s not about being “vaguely creepy.” the OP showed that he has poor impulse control and gets offended by “No,” that’s like two giant flashing neon signs that one should not isolate themselves in the woods with him. ---
**Author:** ![Agent\_Foxtrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc29f/32.png) [@Agent\_Foxtrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agent_Foxtrot)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/68 "2011-01-03T17:07:20Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > You need to understand the context. It’s a longstanding problem in many hiking groups that men go simply to pick up women. There have been many creeps, and it’s not a great feeling to be 6 miles from the road and stuck with someone who you find creepy or even somewhat threatening. Women who are uncomfortable going on these trips to begin with can feel helpless and dependent once in the woods. In setting up these groups a lot of us try extremely hard to avoid any appearance of that environment. > > Now, people often find friends and dates among the people they hike with. Like minded people often do when engaging in activities they enjoy. But it’s best when they happen via mutual interest and shared experience. Any impression that women are being stalked or evaluated like that will cause the group to fall apart. The difference between asking for a name or an email address is not really important in that context. He’s going to find out her name on the hike, why ask beforehand? > > I see this a lot in meetup hiking groups. Leaders are on the alert for it and that’s probably why you got such a harsh response. I see now; good point. The organizer just struck me as defensive and overly controlling in his email response. ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/69 "2011-01-03T17:14:49Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > It’s a longstanding problem in many hiking groups that men go simply to pick up women. Didn’t know this but not surprised. I’ve noticed that every other person I pass on the trail reeks of perfume or cologne. They’re not putting it (or that fancy Nike/Underarmour/Pink outfit) on for themselves. ---
**Author:** ![legalsnugs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@legalsnugs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/legalsnugs)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/70 "2011-01-03T17:23:01Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > Meh. I say “female” all the time. It’s an Army thing. There are no women or men in the military, just males and females. I like it because it doesn’t have the implied gender roles attached to it, which is the whole point of the Army’s use. I use it any time I’m neutrally referring to people in passing “It’s right past the two females with the hats, then a left.” > > ::Shrug:: So if two persons of the masculine persuasion were standing there, you would have said “It’s right past the two males with the hats, then a left.” Really? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/71 "2011-01-03T17:42:07Z")
I’m creeped out too. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/72 "2011-01-03T17:53:19Z")
I would think a lot of people that join groups like that would be open to dating. Life doesn’t just hand you what you want, you have to _do_ something. That said, the OP’s inquiry was a little creepy, but mostly it was just pointless because the OP should have been expecting to meet the girl on an upcoming hike anyway. To the OP I would say like others, just relax. Put yourself out there, be yourself, but don’t have any preconceived expectations. Try, and if the chemistry is right it will happen. If you don’t try usually nothing will happen, but don’t force it. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/73 "2011-01-03T17:55:12Z")
> [@deanc2000](#): > > Cisco - So what I did was so wrong that you feel it was a fair thing to do? I mean I was just inquiring about who she was. > > Is that so wrong? > [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > Y’know, I can’t see how the OP’s behavior was all that creepy. Tactless, perhaps, but creepy? I don’t think so. We live in a culture where we’re very oversensitive to “creepiness”. If he had joined the group with the intention of getting in with this woman, that would be creepy. But it seems that he found out about her after he joined. I disagree with this. Seeing a stranger’s picture somewhere and then contacting another stranger to find out personal information about that stranger – even if it’s only a name – simply based on seeing that picture _is_ creepy and threatening. It immediately calls to mind someone cruising the internet looking for attractive women and joining groups in bad faith in order to meet them. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/74 "2011-01-03T17:56:59Z")
I am reminded of [this excellent advice column](http://xkcd.com/322/). ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/75 "2011-01-03T18:04:56Z")
> [@Agent\_Foxtrot](#): > > I see now; good point. The organizer just struck me as defensive and overly controlling in his email response. Maybe there is a good reason for it. For all you know, her kid sister could have just been raped by a stalker. Or maybe she is mentally challenged and thus is carefully supervised by her family. Or maybe she is an heiress who is a little careful with her identity to prevent kidnapping. Or maybe that’s just the guy’s girlfriend and he really doesn’t appreciate strangers coming on to her. Unlikely? Yeah, or course. But the point is there are good reasons why you need to communicate with someone and judge how receptive you are before you start thinking of them romantically or pushing for personal details. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/76 "2011-01-03T18:05:29Z")
> [@ecco477](#): > > You sound like a very determined person. That is a GOOD quality in the RIGHT environment. Yes, yes, in the right environment, my dear. So now that we’ve established that the OP’s actions were creepy, next time you see a pretty girl in a meet up group, try, you know, meeting up with the group if you want to know her. Imperative Note: Do not, within five minutes of your first outing, go up to the girl you’ve set your sights on and be all “How _you_ doin’?” That’s creepy, too. Ease up. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/77 "2011-01-03T18:33:11Z")
There’s nothing wrong with what the OP did. He joined a group and there was a girl he was interested in and asked for her contact information. Things like this happens thousands of times a day in bars, chat rooms, bookclubs, or the freaking subway The Meetup organizer is a paranoid twit and that girl who was offended by the offer is also paranoid. A simple “No thanks, not interested” would have sufficed ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/78 "2011-01-03T18:39:08Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > There’s nothing wrong with what the OP did. He joined a group and there was a girl he was interested in and asked for her contact information. Things like this happens thousands of times a day in bars, chat rooms, bookclubs, or the freaking subway > > The Meetup organizer is a paranoid twit and that girl who was offended by the offer is also paranoid. A simple “No thanks, not interested” would have sufficed He didn’t ask the lady of his interest directly, he asked the organizer to release her contact info to a total stranger. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/79 "2011-01-03T19:29:34Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > He didn’t ask the lady of his interest directly, he asked the organizer to release her contact info to a total stranger. Perhaps I missed it but the OP said he spotted the girl in a group photo. I’m assuming there wasn’t an option in the Meetup group where each member is listed individually by name and photo. If I’m wrong on that I’ll acknowledge I jumped the gun, but to me, it seems he asked the group leader who’s contact info he had for the info of a group member he didn’t have Honestly, if you’re a part of a public group with your picture online for the world to see and your stated goal is to meet up with strangers to partake in an activity, you shouldn’t be that freaked out if someone finds your picture attractive and asks for additional information. There was nothing wrong in the way the OP asked as far as I can tell because it was just a simple request for info, he didn’t ask if she was married, a lesbian, or into midget porn. Just a name and email. How else do strangers get in contact with each other? Yes, he could have waited, but for people to call him creep just because he didn’t? That seems way overblown. For all we know, the next hike would have been a month from now or he would be unable to attend And to those who said the group leader probably fends off creeps all the time, he may be right in overreacting if it’s happened a lot, but I don’t think the OP is creepy to assume that he’s not being a creep himself and just asking for some additional information ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/80 "2011-01-03T19:30:40Z")
Even _if_ the OP’s orginal request was not out of line, which it was, the follow-up after the first refusal would set off anyone’s alarms. The gracious response to the first refusal would have been “I completely understand, thanks anway. Looking forward to meeting you all” or something like that. To push the point and drag Tom Cruise into it definitely pushed it into creepy stalker territory. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=5)