# I was just kicked out of a Meetup group. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2011, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184 "2011-01-03T01:13:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/81 "2011-01-03T19:30:53Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > There’s nothing wrong with what the OP did. He joined a group and there was a girl he was interested in and asked for her contact information. Things like this happens thousands of times a day in bars, chat rooms, bookclubs, or the freaking subway Yeah, this happens _in person_ after you have established some minimum form of human contact and the person gets to decide from that contact whether to give you that information. What the OP was doing was bypassing the whole social/interpersonal process. Asking personal information about a person who has never seen your face and doesn’t know you exist is creepy. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/82 "2011-01-03T19:36:43Z")
Really? Who in real life --at the bar, or on the train-- goes up to _another person_ to request a girl’s phone number? If someone were to try this juvenile nonsense in the offline world, the response would no-doubt be “Ask her yourself.” ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/83 "2011-01-03T19:45:58Z")
I’ve gotten girls’ phone numbers from friends, but the operative word there is _friend_, not _person who doesn’t know me from Ted Bundy and likes to hike._ ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/84 "2011-01-03T19:47:59Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > How else do strangers get in contact with each other? Online dating sites are an appropriate forum for that, because the women there have stated they are looking for romantic partners and it provides people with a means of evaluating the interested party before disclosing any personal information that would be useful to potential stalkers. Otherwise, it’s generally not acceptable to “get in contact” with someone you have no connection to. Women generally are not interested in receiving that kind of attention from complete strangers. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/85 "2011-01-03T20:01:06Z")
> [@](#): > > Contrary to what most romantic movies would tell, you, chicks do not dig it when random strange men are “determined” in this manner. It’s not positive behavior and it makes many of us very uncomfortable to deal with. QFT. Men (and women) who act in this manner are frequently oblivious or dismissive of their target’s desire NOT to get involved with them. And that’s why so many women are gunshy when it comes to giving out personal info. Most of us have experienced some man deciding that we are meant to be with him, and he won’t take “no” for an answer. This experience can range from tedious to annoying to downright scary. And the OP compounds it by not taking “no” from the group leader. NOW he gets it, or at least says he does…but people (men and women both) need to learn to accept “no” for an answer. It’s not pleasant to be turned down, I know this from experience (not a dating experience, BTW), but I think that people need to be able to accept “no” graciously. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/86 "2011-01-03T20:03:10Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > There’s nothing wrong with what the OP did. He joined a group and there was a girl he was interested in and asked for her contact information. Things like this happens thousands of times a day in bars, chat rooms, bookclubs, or the freaking subway > > The Meetup organizer is a paranoid twit and that girl who was offended by the offer is also paranoid. A simple “No thanks, not interested” would have sufficed Strongly, strongly disagree with this. As many have said, the OP could have gone on a few hikes and maybe met this woman and struck up a conversation with her to see whether anything clicked. What he did was out of line and if not completely creepy, at least borderline creepy. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/87 "2011-01-03T20:28:45Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Really? Who in real life --at the bar, or on the train-- goes up to _another person_ to request a girl’s phone number? If someone were to try this juvenile nonsense in the offline world, the response would no-doubt be “Ask her yourself.” Right. This has happened to me - as in, I was that girl - many times. I go to the bathroom/get a drink/get some air, some dude approaches the table and asks a girlfriend (or, 90% of the time, the one or two dudes at the table) for my number. Friends ALWAYS say “uh, sorry, ask her yourself”. The guy asking for my number/if I’m single is ALWAYS out of line. OP, you know by now you stepped out of bounds. Do send the apology email. You weren’t quite stalkerish, just ultra creepy. You should have been booted. Next time, go to the hike and try to see her (her being a girl you find cute) yourself. Have a normal conversation. But don’t try and find her name or contact info from someone else. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/88 "2011-01-03T20:32:57Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > OP, you know by now you stepped out of bounds. Do send the apology email. You weren’t quite stalkerish, just ultra creepy. You should have been booted. Next time, go to the hike and try to see her (her being a girl you find cute) yourself. Have a normal conversation. But don’t try and find her name or contact info from someone else. I, for one, hope he doesn’t find another hiking group with a hot girl so he can try again. I’m reminded of sociopaths learning to imitate normal behavior through therapy. Btw I’ve asked **Ed** for the contact info of all the female posters. Hope you ladies don’t mind. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/89 "2011-01-03T20:39:33Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Right. This has happened to me - as in, I was that girl - many times. I go to the bathroom/get a drink/get some air, some dude approaches the table and asks a girlfriend (or, 90% of the time, the one or two dudes at the table) for my number. Friends ALWAYS say “uh, sorry, ask her yourself”. The guy asking for my number/if I’m single is ALWAYS out of line. That’s only slightly lamer than when guys come up to you to tell you his friend wants to know speak to you. Why don’t you do it your damn self instead of sending representatives? ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/90 "2011-01-03T20:42:34Z")
> [@Skammer](#): > > Even _if_ the OP’s orginal request was not out of line, which it was, the follow-up after the first refusal would set off anyone’s alarms. The gracious response to the first refusal would have been “I completely understand, thanks anway. Looking forward to meeting you all” or something like that. To push the point and drag Tom Cruise into it definitely pushed it into creepy stalker territory. Especially given the rumors surrounding how Tom Cruise met his current wife: I’ve heard that he (or his agents) approached any number of beautiful young starlets (Scarlett Johansen and Jessica Biel are the names I hear most frequently) before getting a “yes, I’d love to meet up with a guy I don’t know who’s almost twice my age” from Katie Holmes. Clearly, probably none of us outside Tom, Scarlett, Jessica, and Katie know the truth, but referring to Tom in the first place given these rumors really puts your request in the stalker category. That’s not even counting Tom’s weird couch jumping moments. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/91 "2011-01-03T21:02:03Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > That’s only slightly lamer than when guys come up to you to tell you his friend wants to know speak to you. Why don’t you do it your damn self instead of sending representatives? Yeah, everyone knows the proper protocol is a wrinkled piece of notebook paper that says, “Do you like me, check yes or no.” I mean, really, people. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/92 "2011-01-03T21:02:52Z")
> [@deanc2000](#): > > Should I write an apology email to him? No. Drop it. You didn’t do anything to him, and the lady in question doesn’t want to hear from you. Just leave it alone. Your e-mail exchanges with him have not been productive to date. So far, you have been proactively kicked out of one club. Don’t press your luck. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/93 "2011-01-03T21:30:48Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > I’m reminded of sociopaths learning to imitate normal behavior through therapy. Bahahaha I mean, he can improve, right? We’re not all doomed…hopefully. > [@MeanOldLady](#): > > That’s only slightly lamer than when guys come up to you to tell you his friend wants to know speak to you. Why don’t you do it your damn self instead of sending representatives? Well, in my younger and stupider days when that would happen, I would crane my neck and say “Which one”? Never do that. No guy is going to be good looking if he sends a representative. And if you crane your neck to see him, he just might come over and talk to you. _Ugh_. In my 4 months of Meetup experience, Meetup for women is about doing fun things with new people. Meetup for 50-75% of men is for seeking out women they like and asking if they’re single. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/94 "2011-01-03T21:42:41Z")
So, **lindsaybluth** … ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/95 "2011-01-03T21:49:53Z")
Hahaha, you’re in the 25% though! You would be fun. So long as you weren’t a representative… ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/96 "2011-01-03T21:52:03Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > In my 4 months of Meetup experience, Meetup for women is about doing fun things with new people. Meetup for 50-75% of men is for seeking out women they like and asking if they’re single. 50-75% of LIFE for men is for seeking out women they like and asking if they’re single. 😃 Why is it so horrible that men do things they like and hope to meet women in the process? I mean, they at least have \*something \*in common with the others in the group. If you don’t go to bars and you don’t go to church, there’s not a lot of opportunities to meet women. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/97 "2011-01-03T21:52:06Z")
> [@](#): > > Hahaha, you’re in the 25% though! You would be fun. > > So long as you weren’t a representative… Yeah, about that… the OP wants to know if you’re available. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/98 "2011-01-03T22:00:04Z")
> [@Skammer](#): > > Even _if_ the OP’s orginal request was not out of line, which it was, the follow-up after the first refusal would set off anyone’s alarms. The gracious response to the first refusal would have been “I completely understand, thanks anway. Looking forward to meeting you all” or something like that. To push the point and drag Tom Cruise into it definitely pushed it into creepy stalker territory. Yes, but the coordinator could have given that second email the silence it deserved. He didn’t sound so much protective as spoiling for a fight. Also, I’m wondering…He told the OP the woman is now very upset. What did he tell her, at what point during the email exchange did he tell her, and why did he tell her anything? Did he email her and say “You’ve got a stalker” or something subtle like that? Yes, the OP should never have asked what he asked, but it was the coordinator’s choice to escalate. ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_in\_second\_hand\_clothing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/9d8465/32.png) [@wolf\_in\_second\_hand\_clothing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_in_second_hand_clothing)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/99 "2011-01-03T22:09:28Z")
You’re going about this all wrong. **You** need to be the organizer of your own Meetup group. That way, you can let in all the attractive females, and find any small excuse for exiling any male rivals-- you’ll have to be particularly vigilant when the females enter estrus. Eventually, you’ll have your own hiker female harem! Think about it! ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2011, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/100 "2011-01-03T22:12:51Z")
> [@Turek](#): > > 50-75% of LIFE for men is for seeking out women they like and asking if they’re single. 😃 > > Why is it so horrible that men do things they like and hope to meet women in the process? I mean, they at least have \*something \*in common with the others in the group. If you don’t go to bars and you don’t go to church, there’s not a lot of opportunities to meet women. Well, there’s nothing wrong with it provided they first _do those things_ they supposedly like and _have something in common with them._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=6)