# I was just kicked out of a Meetup group. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 3, 2011, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184 "2011-01-03T01:13:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/161 "2011-01-04T16:21:22Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > Wipe, I find it so much better to find out if the person is even single and dating before approaching them, for instance. I was not referring to starting gossip or something like that. The person might be gay or married and it avoids embarrassment for both. You can always ask as part of a larger question about several people so it would not appear you are just interested in the one. You might find several are single and they might look a lot better to you then too. Anybody who won’t even talk to other people without knowing whether they are fuckable is no loss to any social group. Those losers ought to stick to sites with pictures of (insert 3rd world country) girls eager to become brides… ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/162 "2011-01-04T16:23:15Z")
> [@wipetheclock](#): > > **This is not middle school.** When mature adults see someone they would like to interact with, they approach that person directly rather talking to others about them. That person can choose to give out whatever information they deem appropriate. I’m thinking **Leon497** is still there. ---
**Author:** ![wipetheclock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/b19c9b/32.png) [@wipetheclock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wipetheclock)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/163 "2011-01-04T16:26:29Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > Wipe, I find it so much better to find out if the person is even single and dating before approaching them, for instance. I was not referring to starting gossip or something like that. The person might be gay or married and it avoids embarrassment for both. You can always ask as part of a larger question about several people so it would not appear you are just interested in the one. You might find several are single and they might look a lot better to you then too. There is a world of difference between asking a mutual friend about the person’s marital status and asking a complete stranger or their boss for the “contact info” of someone you’ve never even spoken to. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/164 "2011-01-04T16:49:16Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > Wipe, I find it so much better to find out if the person is even single and dating before approaching them, for instance. I was not referring to starting gossip or something like that. The person might be gay or married and it avoids embarrassment for both. You can always ask as part of a larger question about several people so it would not appear you are just interested in the one. You might find several are single and they might look a lot better to you then too. Again, this is exactly why women who want to go on group hikes to learn about hiking are often scared away. Imagine being out on a hike with someone and finding out they were asking complete strangers about you based on nothing but a photograph? This is pervy behavior, and the fact that there are some men out there that think it’s OK is exactly why the group leader reacted the way he did. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/165 "2011-01-04T16:52:44Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > The person might be gay or married and it avoids embarrassment for both. So the first thing you do when you are faced with an attractive member of the opposite sex is to proposition her? The socially acceptable way to do this is to treat people as people first. Start talking to them and be patient for these kinds of details to work themselves naturally into a friendly conversation. Demanding to know a person’s availability before you will even start talking to them is very objectifying. > [@](#): > > You can always ask as part of a larger question about several people so it would not appear you are just interested in the one. You might find several are single and they might look a lot better to you then too. This gets more and more bizarre. You’re addressing groups of people and asking them to identify themselves if they are single, straight, and available? ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/166 "2011-01-04T16:54:47Z")
**Leon497** , I believe you’re missing two points. First point is whether the behavior is creepy, not whether the approach is effective. Second point, you’re missing the context (or at least I hope!). If I’m in a circle of friends, or at least people whom I know, an I’m interested in someone in that circle, yes, your advice is sound. However, the context now is the OP is contacting a group of strangers. They knew nothing about him. I will find it creepy if random Internet passer-by started asking me about a girl in my hiking group, authority asshole or not. I think the OP will get the same response, or a lack of one, if he just emailed any random person in the group. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/167 "2011-01-04T17:14:56Z")
> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#): > > As far as I can tell from the OP’s account, he did try to continue the argument, but I see no indication that he became snarky or abusive towards the group leader, just annoyingly persistent. We’re an anonymous message board and I realize that makes the circumstances different from a Meetup group. But regardless, I’m of the opinion that the OP’s violation was _one_ act in total, and should have been handled as such (the initial slapdown). It isn’t right to treat the subsequent emails as so much additional rope with which to hang him. I’m saying this with the assumption that the OP’s second and third emails were not an attempt to change the group leader’s mind. Depending on how the OP worded his e-mails, (which we didn’t read), they could have set off his spidey sense. It had nothing to do about being “snarky or abusive”. :rolleyes: > [@Leon497](#): > > What to do now is join a nearby hiking group and ask if any had been members of that other one when out on a hike, and show a picture and see if any knew her, they could have seen her at similar events too you know even if none were members of that group. I imagine many belong to several groups and pick the best hikes that way. . Don’t involve any asshole authority people, that is the lesson to learn here. They will never help you do anything. WTF?!?! This sounds like something you’d find in “Stalking for Dummies” Besides, you need to read the OP again: > [@](#): > > “The woman in question is quite offended and concerned, and asked me to assure her that you would not ever be present on a hike she attends.” ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/168 "2011-01-04T17:26:50Z")
> [@Leon497](#): > > Wipe, I find it so much better to find out if the person is even single and dating before approaching them, for instance. I was not referring to starting gossip or something like that. The person might be gay or married and it avoids embarrassment for both. You can always ask as part of a larger question about several people so it would not appear you are just interested in the one. You might find several are single and they might look a lot better to you then too. There’s so much wrong with this paragraph, I don’t even know where to begin. It reads like it was written by an alien trying to come up with tactical strategies for a theoretical scenario whereby a “male” wants to mate with a “female”. Here’s the thing: attractive women don’t suffer from a lack of guys willing to have sex with them based on their appearance. So, a guy wanting to meet them after just seeing their picture? Not impressive. Add in the fact that most women are attracted to confidence and self-possession, which doing advance recon on someone most definitely does _not_ project, and you end up looking incredibly unattractive before you’ve ever even spoken a word to her. Instead, just assume that anyone more attractive than you is never going to date you. Hopefully this will make you relax around them enough to both connect in a genuine way and look confident enough to maybe be attractive and interesting to them. Still a long shot, but your only shot, really. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/169 "2011-01-04T17:37:50Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Instead, just assume that anyone more attractive than you is never going to date you. All of what Giraffe said is completely accurate, but this ESPECIALLY bears repeating. Unless you are wealthy, super intelligent, hilarious, or have a huuuuuge dick (and someone to vouch for it), women that are more attractive than you _are not interested in you_. Also, if you’re 25lbs overweight, the girl that’s a gym rat is _also_ not interested in you. If you see a mismatched couple, assume one of these conditions is at play. **Leon497** , I look forward to your short time with us. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/170 "2011-01-04T17:40:00Z")
I’m 25 lbs. overweight, but only because my dick is so heavy. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/171 "2011-01-04T17:50:22Z")
> [@CairoCarol](#): > > Still, I would never take his approach. I have a social version of the rule “don’t stick your dick in the crazy” - don’t engage in unnecessary arguments with strangers you are getting bad vibes from, just politely, but firmly and completely, disengage with as little interaction as necessary to get your message across. The group organizer clearly doesn’t follow that rule, and to me that suggests he may be a bit overly argumentative himself. > > (That’s merely an observation, not an argument, since I would of course never engage in unnecessary arguments with total strangers over the Internet.) I think this is more of a case of ‘Keep away from crazy dick’ or ‘Don’t let crazy stick its dick in you.’ The organizer may have taken the wrong approach (if I were the woman in question, though, I’d be buying him a drink), but IMHO he did a pretty great job. If he’d ceased communication he could have looked forward to seeing the OP at the next hike and ruining the vibe for everyone, completely unaware of why his initial behavior was inappropriate. The OP wasn’t romantically interested in the organizer, and so I don’t think the standard anti-stalking tactics would have worked very well from him (e.g. not responding to emails). But I do like that other poster’s idea to carry around her photo. I say keep the whole group shot but blacken out everyone else’s eyes. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/172 "2011-01-04T17:51:28Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > All of what Giraffe said is completely accurate, but this ESPECIALLY bears repeating. Unless you are wealthy, super intelligent, hilarious, or have a huuuuuge dick (and someone to vouch for it), women that are more attractive than you _are not interested in you_. Good thing I’m sex on wheels, then. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/173 "2011-01-04T17:53:06Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I’m 25 lbs. overweight, but only because my dick is so heavy. I tripped over that thing, could you put it away please? ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/174 "2011-01-04T17:58:42Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > I say keep the whole group shot but blacken out everyone else’s eyes. Women _do_ like guys who are artistic and mysterious… ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/175 "2011-01-04T18:03:14Z")
I always thought Enid and Rebecca’s trick of pretending to be the woman that Seymour placed a missed connection ad for in Ghost World was mean. But I can’t be the only person wishing that that had happened to the OP, can I? ---
**Author:** ![sparky\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/77aa72/32.png) [@sparky\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sparky_1)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/176 "2011-01-04T18:04:18Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > But I do like that other poster’s idea to carry around her photo. I say keep the whole group shot but blacken out everyone else’s eyes. Just make sure the ink doesn’t leave a sticky residue, like some magic markers do to magazine print. It’d be awkward if the picture was all stuck to itself when you lovingly opened it before the wide eyes of your future lover. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/177 "2011-01-04T18:12:38Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > > [@Giraffe](#): > > > > Instead, just assume that anyone more attractive than you is never going to date you. > > All of what Giraffe said is completely accurate, but this ESPECIALLY bears repeating. Thank God for women with self-image issues! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/178 "2011-01-04T18:16:01Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > But I do like that other poster’s idea to carry around her photo. I say keep the whole group shot but blacken out everyone else’s eyes. > [@sparky\_1](#): > > Just make sure the ink doesn’t leave a sticky residue, like some magic markers do to magazine print. It’d be awkward if the picture was all stuck to itself when you lovingly opened it before the wide eyes of your future lover. Just gouge out the eyes with a pin. Much more impressive. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/179 "2011-01-04T18:26:32Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I’m 25 lbs. overweight, but only because my dick is so heavy. It’s whacking small children over the head, you should really tuck it someplace safe. > [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > Thank God for women with self-image issues! 😃 Well, there _is_ always that…though usually they come to see the light sooner than later. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184/180 "2011-01-04T18:28:26Z")
I’ve been a meetup member for a while, and have organized a few dozen kayak trips. If I received the OP’s email and subsequent replies, I would toss him and forward the emails and my replies to similar groups (hiking, cycling, whatever). Creepy/stalkeresque. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-just-kicked-out-of-a-meetup-group/566184.md?page=10)