# I was wrong re: adult virginity and I would like to chastise myself in public. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 30, 2005, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306 "2005-08-30T19:11:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/21 "2005-08-30T21:07:34Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Well, I was on your side earlier but now I respectfully disagree. > > Much to the chagrin of some (I’m sure), the default position for most adults (Western Culture) is not virginity until marriage. As such, it behooves a person taking that stance to advertise the fact early on and allow the potential partner make a decision as to whether or not they wish to continue to date with this information in hand. > > No? Well, you do, of course, have the right to set whatever standards you want before you date someone. Of course, everyone else has the right to judge you for your standards. It seems to me that the wisest policy is to be upfront about lack of experience, because if the other person is going to consider it a deal breaker, then they’re probably not the sort of person you want in your bed in the first place. Anyone that shallow is probably going to be a lousy lay, and if you’ve been waiting that long for your first time, you want to make sure it was worth the wait. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/22 "2005-08-30T21:10:10Z")
> [@SkipMagic](#): > > I don’t think it was with **Bricker** ’s side he was concerned. I think he would be very concerned for his side when his turn with the hairbrush ends. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/23 "2005-08-30T21:31:08Z")
> [@Draelin](#): > > If you’re also wearing a suit and faking a British accent, then I believe she may have just died of joy. 😉 It occurs to me that \*\*Bricker \*\* is a lawyer, and thus probably already has \*many \* suits. Probably expensive ones too. Anyway, back on topic…it just seems to me that being a virgin shouldn’t automatically be a deal-breaker. A lot of people in that other thread it would be, “unless the person has a lot of enthusiasm”. Why wouldn’t they have enthusiasm? If they’re not holding out for any reason, then most likely it is a combination of circumstances/shyness/the world that has gotten them into that position. None of the adult virgins I know are disgusting or heinous…just painfully shy when it comes to that sort of thing. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/24 "2005-08-30T21:40:28Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > It occurs to me that \*\*Bricker \*\* is a lawyer, and thus probably already has \*many \* suits. Probably expensive ones too. So, really, it comes down to the accent, eh? I don’t know that I can do a general English accent all that well. But I can _perfectly_ replicate Sean Connery’s accent in his speech from _Presidio_: > [@](#): > > D’ya see these leaves, boy? They’re silver. That means I’m a Lieutenant Colonel. > > If they were gold, THEN I’d be a major. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/25 "2005-08-30T21:40:46Z")
It really, really surprises me to be disagreeing with **Miller**. Not that my surprise matters to anyone – even me, really – I’m just sayin’. > [@Miller](#): > > Well, you do, of course, have the right to set whatever standards you want before you date someone. > > Of course, everyone else has the right to judge you for your standards. Which, unless I missed something, was exactly **QuickSilver’s** reaction to the OP. Why do you feel the need to judge him for his standards when all he did was judge **Anaamika** for hers, which you say he had the right to do? > [@](#): > > It seems to me that the wisest policy is to be upfront about lack of experience, because if the other person is going to consider it a deal breaker, then they’re probably not the sort of person you want in your bed in the first place. Anyone that shallow is probably going to be a lousy lay, and if you’ve been waiting that long for your first time, you want to make sure it was worth the wait. :dubious: How does not wanting to date a virgin make someone so bad? I have never wanted to be anyone’s “first” (heck, I even had reservations about being my last boyfriend’s _third_) and virginity in a man my age is a great big red flag – I wouldn’t ever judge him, but it’s a sign of potentially serious incompatibility. For the record: I’m definitely not shallow, and I happen to be a _great_ lay. Why is it so wrong to not want to date a virgin? > [@Anaamike](#): > > it just seems to me that being a virgin shouldn’t automatically be a deal-breaker > > \ > > None of the adult virgins I know are disgusting or heinous…just painfully shy when it comes to that sort of thing. Why is it wrong if I simply don’t like men who are painfully shy when it comes to “that sort of thing?” Why shouldn’t virginity be just as much a deal-breaker as, I don’t know, religion? Or smoking? Or any of the other “nope, we’re just not compatible” things out there in dating land? ---
**Author:** ![Dorjan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorjan/32/12440_2.png) [@Dorjan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dorjan)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/26 "2005-08-30T21:53:25Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > We \*are \* married in our hearts, we just don’t have that little piece of paper. If you really want to hear all the reasons - well, how much time ya got? Nah, I won’t delve, that’s off topic 😉 i was just wondering if you had a good reason, and I’m sure ya do. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/27 "2005-08-30T21:59:30Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > So, really, it comes down to the accent, eh? > > I don’t know that I can do a general English accent all that well. > > But I can _perfectly_ replicate Sean Connery’s accent in his speech from _Presidio_: It’s not that. It’s just that…considering how you debate on this board, I’m a little afraid of how hard you’re going to wield that hairbrush. :eek: > [@Misnomer](#): > > Why is it wrong if I simply don’t like men who are painfully shy when it comes to “that sort of thing?” Why shouldn’t virginity be just as much a deal-breaker as, I don’t know, religion? Or smoking? Or any of the other “nope, we’re just not compatible” things out there in dating land? It isn’t really, and I didn’t mean to imply it was. I just think it is wrong for _me_ and me _alone_. I can have a different set of moral standards for myself as opposed to others. 🙂 **Dorjan** , we can start with committment-phobia on both sides and extend all the way up to “just too much trouble”. It \*would \* take a while. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/28 "2005-08-30T22:14:27Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Which, unless I missed something, was exactly **QuickSilver’s** reaction to the OP. Why do you feel the need to judge him for his standards when all he did was judge **Anaamika** for hers, which you say he had the right to do? Yeah! Hey! Wait a damn second!.. That was one of those backhanded thing-a-ma-dads, w’an it?! > [@Miller](#): > > It seems to me that the wisest policy is to be upfront about lack of experience, because if the other person is going to consider it a deal breaker, then they’re probably not the sort of person you want in your bed in the first place. Anyone that shallow is probably going to be a lousy lay, and if you’ve been waiting that long for your first time, you want to make sure it was worth the wait. Some years back I wanted my boat fixed up but didn’t have the time to do it myself. My former BIL was out of work and I offered him the job because he had the time and needed the money. He had worked with laying up fiberglass in the past but was far from an expert. He did his best. In the end, most of what he’d done had to be re-laid by a professional boat renovator with far better results. It wasn’t that BIL’s heart wasn’t in it or that his intentions were not in the right place. He just lacked experience. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/29 "2005-08-30T22:49:17Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > It occurs to me that \*\*Bricker \*\* is a lawyer, and thus probably already has \*many \* suits. Probably expensive ones too. I’m not _quite_ sure but I think that may have been a pun! ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/30 "2005-08-30T22:49:28Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > It’s not that. It’s just that…considering how you debate on this board, I’m a little afraid of how hard you’re going to wield that hairbrush. :eek: All depends on how bad a girl you were. And I’ll stop now. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![pinkfreud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pinkfreud/32/17603_2.png) [@pinkfreud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pinkfreud)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/31 "2005-08-30T22:52:26Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > All depends on how bad a girl you were. > > And I’ll stop now. 😉 Don’t stop! Don’t stop! There are probably **lots** of naughty girls around here! ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/32 "2005-08-30T22:56:01Z")
**Misnomer** , rather than hijack **Anaamika** ’s thread further, let’s just leave it at “You wouldn’t want to date me, and I wouldn’t want to date you.” ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/33 "2005-08-30T22:56:06Z")
> [@](#): > > In the end, most of what he’d done had to be re-laid by a professional boat renovator with far better results. It wasn’t that BIL’s heart wasn’t in it or that his intentions were not in the right place. He just lacked experience. The difference, of course, is that you do not need to devote 150+ hours of painstaking labor to wind up with a one-time bad sexual experience. With sex, if you don’t get it right the first time, in a little while (and with some direction from your partner) you can try it again. In fact, by the time one has invested 150+ hours in sexual activity, a person will be much more familiar with that activity than a person renovating a boat will be with that activity. (Interesting that in your analogy, your BIL’s efforts had to be _re-laid_.) * * * My guess is that **Bricker** just discovered that Mrs. Bricker has visited the board, found it not to her liking, and announced that she would never visit again. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/34 "2005-08-30T23:03:44Z")
> [@tomndebb](#): > > (Interesting that in your analogy, your BIL’s efforts had to be _re-laid_.) And here I was trying to be subtle. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/35 "2005-08-30T23:07:45Z")
> [@tomndebb](#): > > The difference, of course, is that you do not need to devote 150+ hours of painstaking labor to wind up with a one-time bad sexual experience. With sex, if you don’t get it right the first time, in a little while (and with some direction from your partner) you can try it again. In fact, by the time one has invested 150+ hours in sexual activity, a person will be much more familiar with that activity than a person renovating a boat will be with that activity. > (Interesting that in your analogy, your BIL’s efforts had to be _re-laid_.) And there’s nothing actually harmed by inexperience with sex. Provided you take the standard precautions, you didn’t lose money or an expensive boat. You don’t need new sexual organs if you screw it up the first time. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/36 "2005-08-30T23:10:49Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > You don’t need new sexual organs if you screw it up the first time. …usually. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/37 "2005-08-30T23:14:45Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > …usually. I knew someone wouldn’t be able to resist. 😉 I just noticed - \*\*Bricker \*\* even used a smiley! ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/38 "2005-08-30T23:19:35Z")
> [@pinkfreud](#): > > Don’t stop! Don’t stop! There are probably **lots** of naughty girls around here! Well, we still have the hard wooden chair. C’mere and tell me about it. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2005, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/39 "2005-08-30T23:20:08Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Well, we still have the hard wooden chair. > > C’mere and tell me about it. Wow. It must be a bloody full moon or something. **Pinkfreud** , I’ll fight you for him. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/40 "2005-08-31T01:54:36Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Why shouldn’t virginity be just as much a deal-breaker as, I don’t know, religion? Or smoking? Or any of the other “nope, we’re just not compatible” things out there in dating land? Because the crazy thing about virginity is…it goes away after someone gets laid. Not like smoking or religion. And the more people who think like you, the harder it gets for people like me to ever get laid in the first place, so we have to wait even longer, then more women throw the red flag because we are now even OLDER and its even MORE of a warning sign, hence we STILL don’t lose it and…well, you get the idea. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306.md?page=3)