# I was wrong re: adult virginity and I would like to chastise myself in public. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 30, 2005, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306 "2005-08-30T19:11:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/61 "2005-08-31T17:14:17Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > Why should it go double for male virgins? You said yourself that “Guys usually aren’t virgins because they want to be.” If a female virgin walks into a room and asks all the guys to have sex with her, and a male virgin walks into a room and asks all the girls to have sex with him, guess who’s going to lose their virginity first? > > Guess which one has the higher chance of still not losing it at all? I should have specified men who are virgins by _choice_. I am always forced to wonder about men who choose to be virgins if they don’t have to be. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/62 "2005-08-31T17:48:08Z")
> [@Harimad-sol](#): > > Well, it’s not that I don’t see his point. He was overgeneralizing a bit, is all. He got a little unlucky in that he encountered some incredibly clingy people, and so expanded that to “all virgins will immediately glom onto me.” I don’t know … we all know that generalizations are bad, but there’s something to be said for learning to avoid situations that never seem to work out for you. Like my current reluctance to be anyone’s first girlfriend after his divorce: I have nothing against any specific guy who has been through hell and is finally ready to try again, but I’ve been the “test” girlfriend so many times that for now, at least, I’m tired of it. Maybe it was just bad luck, but there’s only so many times I can say to myself “maybe _this_ time it will be different” – especially when the rebound syndrome is well-known. > [@](#): > > I’m also probably hopelessly stupid, but what are the downsides to deflowering people, in your view? I mean, I can see that a virgin might not be that good, or might get attached, but experienced people can do that too. I don’t think those are what you mean, or at least not all of them. Actually, those _are_ what I mean: of course it’s true that an experienced person might suck in bed or get too emotionally attached, but I think the probability of that happening is higher for a virgin. (And let me specify right now that I’m not talking about college-age virgins, or anyone who is deliberately a virgin. I’m thinking about a guy in his late 20s+ who claims he doesn’t want to be a virgin, but still is.) I’ve never had any desire to be just the teacher when it comes to sex: I like to combine my experience (teaching) with the guy’s experience (learning) and then figure out some new stuff together (exploring), but if the guy’s a virgin it’s pretty much all teaching and it takes much longer to get to the exploring. Maybe I’m just impatient. 😉 > [@](#): > > I think I still am subscribed to that thread, so I can dig for the link in a bit. Was it this one? [When does virginity and age become weird? (Offshoot of What’s sexier)](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=325321) Thanks! I saw that thread when it first popped up, but decided to skip it because I don’t think there’s any particular age when virginity becomes “weird.” In fact, I don’t think it’s ever “weird”: it’s just evidence of underlying conditions that make me think we’re not compatible. It’s not an old thread, though, so I wonder why **Anaamika** started this one instead of just posting her self-chastisement in that one. Anyway, it’s at 3 pages, so I’ll have to give it a closer look when I have the time to read through it. > [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > What do you expect when you make such an ignorant and offensive comment as this one? > > > [@Misnomer](#): > > > > but you can’t deny that being a virgin – especially at 30+ – says something about the virgin’s personality. It’s not like Guy A and Guy B can be absolutely identical except that one of them’s a virgin. Ignorant and offensive? Care to back those accusations up with something beyond your self-righteousness? :rolleyes: How _doesn’t_ being a virgin say something about the virgin’s personality? Not being a virgin also says something about a person’s personality. Being on this message board says something about a person’s personality. Exactly _what_ it says will vary person to person, of course, but I’m amazed at your insistence on treating virginity as though it’s just a trait like eye color. (For the record, this kind of naïveté is something I often encounter among “older” virgins, and is one of the things I don’t like.) > [@Diogenes the Cynic](#): > > I should have specified men who are virgins by choice. I am always forced to wonder about men who choose to be virgins if they don’t have to be. Funny, I don’t wonder much at all about men who choose to remain virgins; it’s the ones who claim they wish they weren’t who make my spidey sense tingle (because it tells me that we have very different attitudes about sex). ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/63 "2005-08-31T18:59:43Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > It’s not an old thread, though, so I wonder why **Anaamika** started this one instead of just posting her self-chastisement in that one. Sorry, dear, for some reason I thought it was way older then it actually was. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/64 "2005-08-31T19:45:25Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Sorry, dear, for some reason I thought it was way older then it actually was. 🙂 When I put that in my reply to **Harimad-sol** I was just thinking out loud, but reading it again it smacks a little of passive-aggressiveness . . . which I can’t stand. Sorry for not simply asking you directly. :smack: I seem to be having a bad SDMB week – and not just in this thread. This happened a couple of months ago, too, where I went through a spell of just not being able to communicate effectively. Sigh. I’ll keep replying to questions about stuff I’ve already written, but I think I’ll refrain from adding any completely new thoughts for a little while. Don’t all cheer at once, it’s not nice! ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/65 "2005-08-31T19:52:20Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > I don’t see how it’s a hijack (the “I don’t really mean to bring this debate up again” line in the OP is disingenuous at best), but whate’er. Well, it looked like it was just the two of us talking about it in the middle of what had become “The **Bricker** Spanking Thread,” but since it seems there’s more life in the topic, I guess I’ll come back to it. > [@](#): > > I know that you’re a big boy and can stick up for yourself, but **Miller** seemed a little uncharacteristically hypocritical and I figured I’d say something. Didn’t mean to accidentally insult you in the process. What on Earth was hypocritical about that? I mean, is it any more hypocrticial than: > [@](#): > > I have never wanted to be anyone’s “first” … and virginity in a man my age is a great big red flag – I wouldn’t ever judge him, but it’s a sign of potentially serious incompatibility 'Cause that struck me as, at the very least, massively self-contradictory, if not openly hypocritical. > [@](#): > > Like people never change their religion, or quit smoking? Perhaps those weren’t perfect analogies, but you can’t deny that being a virgin – especially at 30+ – says something about the virgin’s personality. It’s not like Guy A and Guy B can be absolutely identical except that one of them’s a virgin. Yeah, but unlike smoking or religion, the fact that a virgin wants to date at all is generally a pretty big indicator that they don’t want to be a virgin any more, and are trying to do something about it. And yes, I can, and do, deny that being a virgin says anything about a person’s personality. > [@](#): > > (And is this the Bizarro SDMB or something? I’m suddenly feeling defensive around Dopers I generally admire and usually agree with . . . this kind of sucks. :() You might want to think about why that is… > [@](#): > > Ignorant and offensive? Care to back those accusations up with something beyond your self-righteousness? Well, I won’t get into “ignorant,” but I was offended by it. I don’t know how to “back it up,” it was just my reaction to it. > [@](#): > > How doesn’t being a virgin say something about the virgin’s personality? What, precisely, does virginity say about a person’s personality? I was a virgin until I was 28. What was my personality like two years ago? What’s my personality like now, when I’m getting laid about once a week? Be specific, please. What character traits did my lack of sexual experience evince? > [@](#): > > Exactly what it says will vary person to person, of course, but I’m amazed at your insistence on treating virginity as though it’s just a trait like eye color. So… it says “something” about a person’s personality… but what it says is different for each person. Sounds a lot to me like it doesn’t actually say _anything_ about a person’s personality. > [@](#): > > (For the record, this kind of naïveté is something I often encounter among “older” virgins, and is one of the things I don’t like.) Uh huh. But you’d never judge anyone because of their virginity. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/66 "2005-08-31T19:57:05Z")
> [@SisterCoyote](#): > > It’s not exactly information that I’m shy about giving, but somehow I don’t see over a first dinner saying, “Oh, and by the way, I’ve never had sex.” “In fact, here’s the detailed list of what I have and have not done.” ---
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/67 "2005-08-31T20:00:46Z")
> [@Thudlow Boink](#): > > “In fact, here’s the detailed list of what I have and have not done.” Kinda beats the usual boring BS small talk though! If there’s enough interest, maybe “The \*\*Bricker \*\* Spanking Thread” should be created. :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![rayh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@rayh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayh)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/68 "2005-08-31T20:11:40Z")
> [@cbawlmer](#): > > Kinda beats the usual boring BS small talk though! > > If there’s enough interest, maybe “The \*\*Bricker \*\* Spanking Thread” should be created. :eek: 😃 Do we all get to spank **Bricker** then? ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/69 "2005-08-31T20:20:59Z")
> [@rayh](#): > > Do we all get to spank **Bricker** then? While I’m often a fan of reciprocity, there are areas in which it just doesn’t fly. This is one. Bricker spanks. Bricker does not get spanked. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/70 "2005-08-31T20:23:53Z")
Eh, I won’t believe you until I’ve spoken to Mrs. Bricker. ---
**Author:** ![Maeglin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Maeglin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maeglin)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/71 "2005-08-31T20:56:46Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Eh, I won’t believe you until I’ve spoken to Mrs. Bricker. If **Bricker** lets her take the ball gag out. ---
**Author:** ![SusanStoHelit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@SusanStoHelit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SusanStoHelit)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/72 "2005-08-31T20:58:51Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > What, precisely, does virginity say about a person’s personality? I was a virgin until I was 28. What was my personality like two years ago? What’s my personality like now, when I’m getting laid about once a week? Be specific, please. What character traits did my lack of sexual experience evince? **Miller** , how old were you when you came out? I ask because I have dated several virgin males who later turned out queer (I’m just lucky, I guess). I would say that if I met a man now who was still a virgin, that would be my second guess as to the reason (after religion). **Misnomer** , I’m going to risk my popularity, such as it is, to say that I understand what you are saying. Virginity may indicate that the person puts more emotional significance on the sex-act than I want to be responsible for, or it may indicate some hang-up. Or it could be nothing, just a combination of circumstance and personality. Either way, sex is an essential part of my relationships, and while I wouldn’t turn a guy down flat for being a virgin, it certainly wouldn’t be a turn-on either. And where does the line start for the spankings? Is there a dress code? ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/73 "2005-08-31T21:00:28Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > I didn’t really want to be anybody’s first when I started dating him, and now that I’ve been down that road once, I’m definitely not going again. And the only reason you went down that road the one time is because he said “C’mon babe, take a walk on the Mild Side”, right? 😉 Doot, da-doot, da-doot, doot da-doo … ---
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/74 "2005-08-31T21:01:09Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > While I’m often a fan of reciprocity, there are areas in which it just doesn’t fly. This is one. Bricker spanks. Bricker does not get spanked. Will that still be true if Mrs. Bricker finds out you’ve got several women flirting with you here? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/75 "2005-08-31T21:03:26Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > And where does the line start for the spankings? Is there a dress code? Why, the line starts right here, little girl. And as for the dress code … the less said the better … (Insert Evil Leer Smiley) ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/76 "2005-08-31T21:03:35Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Eh, I won’t believe you until I’ve spoken to Mrs. Bricker. Mrs. Bricker will not agree. That’s what makes Mrs. Bricker lots of fun, and eternally fascinating. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/77 "2005-08-31T21:03:52Z")
> [@Maeglin](#): > > If **Bricker** lets her take the ball gag out. :: sighs, and starts cleaning up water off the monitor :: ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/78 "2005-08-31T21:20:08Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > What on Earth was hypocritical about that? You were judging **QuickSilver** for judging **Anaamika** while implying that he had every right to judge **Anaamika** by saying that you had every right to judge him. Seemed pretty “do as I say, not as I do” to me … if I misinterpreted, my bad. > [@](#): > > I mean, is it any more hypocrticial than: > > > [@](#): > > > > I have never wanted to be anyone’s “first” … and virginity in a man my age is a great big red flag – I wouldn’t ever judge him, but it’s a sign of potentially serious incompatibility > > 'Cause that struck me as, at the very least, massively self-contradictory, if not openly hypocritical. Are you saying that it’s impossible to acknowledge incompatibility without simultaneously judging someone? I don’t care whether a guy is 43 and still a virgin, I just don’t want to date him because the fact that he is still a virgin at that age means that our attitudes about sex are incompatible. Just like I don’t care whether someone gets high every weekend, but I don’t want to date him because the fact that he gets high every weekend means that our attitudes about drug use are incompatible. I don’t judge _anyone_. I do not think that word means what you think it means. > [@](#): > > Yeah, but unlike smoking or religion, the fact that a virgin wants to date at all is generally a pretty big indicator that they don’t want to be a virgin any more, and are trying to do something about it. And the fact that they’re _still trying_ at age 30 indicates deeper issues that I generally want no part of. > [@](#): > > You might want to think about why that is… I _know_ why that is, sparky: it’s because we happen to disagree. I also agree with and am supported by Dopers who I generally admire and usually agree with . . . do I need to think about why _that_ is, too? :rolleyes: > [@](#): > > What, precisely, does virginity say about a person’s personality? I was a virgin until I was 28. What was my personality like two years ago? What’s my personality like now, when I’m getting laid about once a week? Be specific, please. What character traits did my lack of sexual experience evince? > > > [@](#): > > > > Exactly what it says will vary person to person, of course, but I’m amazed at your insistence on treating virginity as though it’s just a trait like eye color. > > So… it says “something” about a person’s personality… but what it says is different for each person. Sounds a lot to me like it doesn’t actually say _anything_ about a person’s personality. Holy crap, what is your problem? “It says something different about each person” does NOT equal “it says nothing.” What does it say about the virgin’s personality? Well, _depending on the person_ it could say any number of things:[ul][li]they are very religious, or otherwise don’t believe in sex outside of marriage[/li][li]they have low self-esteem[/li][li]they are very picky[/li][li]they don’t believe in sex without love (IOW, no one-night stands)[/li][li]they only recently came to terms with their sexuality[/li][li]they’re extremely shy[/li][li]etc.[/ul][/li]And before you and **Soapbox Monkey** just die of offense and self-righteousness, let me state for the record that there is absolutely _nothing_ “wrong” with any of the traits on this list. > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > (For the record, this kind of naïveté is something I often encounter among “older” virgins, and is one of the things I don’t like.) > > Uh huh. But you’d never judge anyone because of their virginity. Boy, you’re just determined to read only what you want to read. I encounter a lot of a certain kind of naïveté among older virgins. I don’t like that kind of naïveté, so it’s one reason I prefer not to date older virgins. How does that equate to _judging_ anyone because of their virginity? Now that you’ve replied to statements I made to everyone else, care to reply to the questions that I directed at _you_? How does not wanting to date a virgin make someone shallow? Why is it so wrong to not want to date a virgin? ---
**Author:** ![rayh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@rayh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayh)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/79 "2005-08-31T21:26:14Z")
> [@SusanStoHelit](#): > > And where does the line start for the spankings? Is there a dress code? The recommended dress is [this.](http://www.darksensations.com/erol.html#1049x0&&blockedReferrer) I can’t wait to see **Bricker** in one. ---
**Author:** ![harmless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/2acd7d/32.png) [@harmless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmless)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/80 "2005-08-31T22:17:06Z")
**SDMB BDSM** Coinky-dink? Yeah, but it’s still fun. 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306.md?page=5)