# I was wrong re: adult virginity and I would like to chastise myself in public. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 30, 2005, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306 "2005-08-30T19:11:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2005, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/81 "2005-08-31T22:21:40Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > While I’m often a fan of reciprocity, there are areas in which it just doesn’t fly. This is one. Bricker spanks. Bricker does not get spanked. **Scott Plaid** would disagree with you there. 😃 > [@Susan StoHelit](#): > > Miller, how old were you when you came out? > > I ask because I have dated several virgin males who later turned out queer (I’m just lucky, I guess). I would say that if I met a man now who was still a virgin, that would be my second guess as to the reason (after religion). 29, but to be clear, I’m bisexual, not homosexual. My inability to get laid with women wasn’t simply because deep down I wanted to get laid with guys instead. > [@Misnomer](#): > > You were judging **QuickSilver** for judging **Anaamika** while implying that he had every right to judge **Anaamika** by saying that you had every right to judge him. Seemed pretty “do as I say, not as I do” to me … if I misinterpreted, my bad. My problem wasn’t with him judging **Anaamika** , but with him judging people who haven’t had sex. I don’t know if that makes anything clearer, though, as even with that misunderstanding, I don’t understand how your conclusion follows from your perception of the argument. > [@](#): > > Are you saying that it’s impossible to acknowledge incompatibility without simultaneously judging someone? Yes, actually. When you make the determination that someone is or is not compatable with you, you are making a judgement. It’s not the judging that I have a problem with, here. It’s the standards you’re using to arrive at that judgement, because I don’t think they’re fair or accurate. > [@](#): > > And the fact that they’re _still trying_ at age 30 indicates deeper issues that I generally want no part of. Yeah, or it could be that they _got over_ those issues and are trying to get on with their lives, but you’re still judging them by the standards of who they used to be. Let’s say you meet a guy in his fifties, and this is in the age range of people you’re interested in dating. Turns out, he didn’t lose his virginity until he was in his thirties, but since then, he’s more than made up for lost time. Do you refuse to date him? If you do date him now, why wouldn’t you have dated him twenty years earlier? > [@](#): > > Holy crap, what is your problem? “It says something different about each person” does NOT equal “it says nothing.” Effectively, it does. You’ve got half a dozen reason listed here, capped with an et cetera. If there are so many different reasons, not all of which you can even think of off the top of your head, it’s possible that there might be a reason that you wouldn’t find incompatible, but you’ll never know because you’re discounting them before you find out. You’re writing them off as incompatible because you see something on the surface, and _assume_ that means something deeper about them, without giving them the chance to show otherwise. Which, to me, is shallow. But I’ll allow as you may still be fun in the sack despite that. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2005, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/82 "2005-09-01T16:53:22Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > I don’t understand how your conclusion follows from your perception of the argument. I don’t know how to explain it better, so we’ll just have to agree to disagree and put this part of our little fracas to rest. > [@](#): > > When you make the determination that someone is or is not compatable with you, you are making a judgement. Ok, good point. I think of judging someone as coming to a conclusion about their intrinsic worth, but you’re right that there is a broader meaning. > [@](#): > > It’s not the judging that I have a problem with, here. It’s the standards you’re using to arrive at that judgement, because I don’t think they’re fair or accurate. You’re entitled to that opinion, but since you’ve never been in my shoes I don’t see how you can feel very strongly about it. I’ve never been you, so I wouldn’t dare to suggest that your attitudes about your experiences are unfair or inaccurate. My standards are based squarely on my experiences, and therefore seem eminently fair and accurate to me. > [@](#): > > Let’s say you meet a guy in his fifties, and this is in the age range of people you’re interested in dating. Turns out, he didn’t lose his virginity until he was in his thirties, but since then, he’s more than made up for lost time. Do you refuse to date him? Of course I don’t refuse to date him; he’s no longer a virgin. > [@](#): > > If you do date him now, why wouldn’t you have dated him twenty years earlier? Because he was a virgin then. I don’t care _when_ someone loses their virginity, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. > [@](#): > > If there are so many different reasons, not all of which you can even think of off the top of your head, it’s possible that there might be a reason that you wouldn’t find incompatible, but you’ll never know because you’re discounting them before you find out. You’re writing them off as incompatible because you see something on the surface, and _assume_ that means something deeper about them, without giving them the chance to show otherwise. Which, to me, is shallow. Again, my “writing them off” is the result of experience. Isn’t the classic definition of insanity to repeat the same behaviour over and over, expecting different results? Well if I’ve noticed a pattern in the male virgins I’ve encountered, and the pattern isn’t a good one, wouldn’t I have to be some kind of masochist to _not_ finally draw a line? How is this any worse than my aversion to the recently divorced? Or the very religious? Or smokers? I don’t believe in a “perfect world” where everyone approaches everyone else with absolutely no preconceptions or judgments; it’s simply not realistic. It would take too long to get to know people, and tremendous time would be wasted making the same mistakes over and over and over. I do my best to approach people as individuals, and as open-mindedly as I can – remember “my” definition of judgment? I make _no_ conclusions about anyone’s intrinsic worth – but there comes a time when I don’t think it’s unreasonable to conclude, “yeah, I’m not so good with the holy rollers.” In this case, I’m not so good with the older virgins. Of course it’s _possible_ that there might be a reason that I wouldn’t find incompatible, but experience has taught me that it’s not _likely_. Every single one of the older virgins I’ve known have had at least one of the reasons I listed (I only included the “etc.” to cover my bases, lest someone pipe up “but _I_ don’t fit in any of those categories!”), and I’m not a masochist so I’ve learned to avoid becoming physically or romantically involved. It’s better for me _and_ the virgin. Do I risk missing out on a great guy who just happens to be a virgin/holly roller/smoker? Of course. But if online dating has taught me anything it’s the need for _some_ filters, and I consider the amount of risk to be acceptable. And you know what? Even if it indicates some kind of personality failing on my part that I don’t care for men who are my age and still virgins, I don’t think I should be chastised for my self-awareness and honesty. But I don’t think it _is_ a failing: I think it’s a personal preference, and one that has absolutely no impact on anyone else – it certainly doesn’t keep any virgins from losing their virginity, it just keeps them from doing so with me. > [@](#): > > But I’ll allow as you may still be fun in the sack despite that. Oh honey, no allowances are necessary: it’s a _fact_. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Darwins\_Finch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darwins_finch/32/20304_2.png) [@Darwins\_Finch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darwins_Finch)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2005, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/83 "2005-09-01T18:42:20Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > How _doesn’t_ being a virgin say something about the virgin’s personality? Not being a virgin also says something about a person’s personality. Or, perhaps, someone is just physically unattractive. I haven’t found anyone who has been physically attracted to me. That’s why I remain a virgin. It has absolutely dick to do with my personality (all the women I’ve met do wind up liking me - as a friend). Personality will only get you so far; it _might_ get you into someone’s bed, but one’s looks are far more likely to keep one out of it. ---
**Author:** ![devilsknew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4da419/32.png) [@devilsknew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/devilsknew)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2005, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/84 "2005-09-01T21:56:34Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Oh honey, no allowances are necessary: it’s a _fact_. 😉 Yea, you sound pretty anal. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2005, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/85 "2005-09-01T22:42:36Z")
> [@Darwin's Finch](#): > > Or, perhaps, someone is just physically unattractive. Well, yeah, but we weren’t discussing external traits: whether someone likes or dislikes virgins in general has nothing to do with how attractive or unattractive any one particular virgin is. > [@devilsknew](#): > > > [@Misnomer](#): > > > > Oh honey, no allowances are necessary: it’s a fact. 😉 > > Yea, you sound pretty anal. Huh? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2005, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306/86 "2005-09-02T03:49:27Z")
Even an older virgin can screw their hangups (pun intended, thanks) and have sex without too many neuroses and/or hangups. Why worry about it? It’s all consenting adults, and even a virgin can learn quickly that it’s just fun and games. You might have to teach an older virgin a bit more, but if you’re planning to have a relationship, there’s time for that. I don’t see the problem with older virgins, but I suppose that stems from having been one myself\*. \*Please note that my earlier thread post and this post do not conflict. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-was-wrong-re-adult-virginity-and-i-would-like-to-chastise-myself-in-public/319306.md?page=4)