# I will never feel unadulterated love ever again...
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-never-feel-unadulterated-love-ever-again/629027
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [July 22, 2012, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-never-feel-unadulterated-love-ever-again/629027 "2012-07-22T05:59:15Z")
**Posts on this page:** 4
**Page:** 3
### Author:  [@LaPanache](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LaPanache)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2012, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-never-feel-unadulterated-love-ever-again/629027/41 "2012-07-24T07:03:58Z")
Special thanks to Wisp00, raspberry hunter, and Rala for your encouraging words! Thank you.
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### Author:  [@LaPanache](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LaPanache)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2012, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-never-feel-unadulterated-love-ever-again/629027/42 "2012-07-24T07:08:26Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#):
>
> I guess the short version of my story is – don’t concern yourself too much about not attaining your dreams of your earlier years, because over a longer time your dreams and your understanding of the world will change.
>
> I’ll tell you my story of angst – maybe it will put things in a little perspective, maybe not. At 15 I was seriously thinking about suicide because I felt entirely alone and unloved and looking back I pretty much was entirely alone and unloved. But I made what still might be the most mature conscious decision I ever made. I decided I didn’t have enough knowledge and experience of life to make such a drastic decision at that age. I decided to put off suicide until I was at least 30, when I would have a better appreciation of how things really work.
>
> I never forgot that decision, and thought about suicide quite a lot again as I approached 30. But by that time, I wasn’t nearly as concerned about what other people thought of me, and I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed about myself anymore, so I couldn’t justify suicide. I was still alone and unloved (my couple of relationships by that time had been disastrous), but I was getting comfortable with being alone.
>
> Over the following years, I’ve had some periodic thoughts about suicide. I’m 54 now, and I’m STILL alone and unloved (though I have at least gotten into a very solid friendship with my sister). Now there are two reasons I haven’t killed myself. One is that I don’t want to burden my sister with any guilt or hardship of dealing with it. The other is that the world just isn’t worth killing myself over. I’ve come to realize just how little power any of us ever has in charting the course of our lives – it seems to me that we are blown around by storms of reality beyond our control, and blaming myself for my failures is kind of nonsensical.
>
> My personal experiences of love and relationships has on the whole been more bad than good, and I don’t really expect to ever be in one again. I feel I’ve been humiliated enough in trying to get in relationships with women, so I’m not making an effort, nor have I seen any evidence in a very long time that I’m attractive enough to women for them to pursue me.
>
> Having read through this, I think I’ll stop before I depress you beyond recovery. 😉
This made me sad. I, too, have been through multiple suicide ideation periods in my life because I may have a propensity for depression. I’m terrified I will never get into the grad school I want to, I’m scared I will never have the career I pine for, I’m scared I’ll marry the wrong person or for the wrong reasons, I don’t want to have children and I’m scared I’ll end up having them and hating it (like my mom did); it all comes back to: I’ll run away from life if this happens.
I’m sorry to hear of your pain. I’m terrified I may be you.
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### Author:  [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)
#### Post date: [July 24, 2012, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-never-feel-unadulterated-love-ever-again/629027/43 "2012-07-24T14:51:12Z")
One final word of advice. College is the one and only place in the entire world where mental health services are free or virtually free for the asking. Your issues/problems/concerns/whatevers are not unusual, they’re actually incredibly common and the kind of thing that counsellors at a college see day in, day out. Seek counselling doesn’t mean you are broken or crazy, just that an objective ear would be helpful in sorting out your thoughts.
[http://health.columbia.edu/services/cps](http://health.columbia.edu/services/cps)
Call them.
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### Author:  [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)
#### Post date: [July 26, 2012, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-never-feel-unadulterated-love-ever-again/629027/44 "2012-07-26T05:50:44Z")
Another factor is that in general, I think that relationships go better when they start off with “this person is another person who is kind of interesting” and grow into “this person is more and more interesting” and finally “I’ve fallen in love with this person. They’re another human with their quirks and such, and I know all about that and I’m in love with them all together.” than when it’s approached with “Oh ho! Someone from the category of people I might fall in love with! The appropriate response is to romance them!” And then they’re left wondering why they’re dating/marrying someone they have nothing in common with.
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