# I will soon be turning to a life of crime.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [July 22, 2001, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481 "2001-07-22T23:49:40Z")
**Posts on this page:** 14
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2001, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/1 "2001-07-22T23:49:40Z")
I base this upon the fact that I am living most of my day-to-day life lately without wearing a shirt. Yeah, it ain’t pretty. But neither is this heat.
If you’ve ever watched “COPS,” you know once you go shirtless, your law-abiding days are behind you.
Soon I will be almost incoherently drunk, telling a police officer I haven’t had a thing to drink, and saying things like, “Man, I didn’t do NUFFIN!”
---
### Author:  [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)
#### Post date: [July 22, 2001, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/2 "2001-07-22T23:54:41Z")
I send you my business card 😃
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### Author:  [@Searching\_For\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Searching_For_Truth)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/3 "2001-07-23T00:48:50Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Milossarian \*
> \*\*Soon I will be almost incoherently drunk, telling a police officer I haven’t had a thing to drink, and saying things like, “Man, I didn’t do NUFFIN!” \*\*
Add a cigarette in one hand, an empty beer bottle in the other and a ho in your lap and you’re ready to go.
---
### Author:  [@blanx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blanx)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/4 "2001-07-23T00:53:58Z")
and a tattoo of your own name on your chest at the same location where it would be on your work shirt, if you worked.
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### Author:  [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/5 "2001-07-23T01:01:20Z")
Try as I might, I just can’t think of anything negative to say about a shirtless, sweaty, **Milossarian.**
😃
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### Author:  [@GraceTX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GraceTX)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/6 "2001-07-23T01:19:32Z")
No! No! You’re only on the road to a life of crime if you’re also starting to wear shorts made out of old blue jeans and not shaving or combing your hair for long periods of time.
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### Author:  [@Lady\_Juliet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lady_Juliet)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/7 "2001-07-23T01:25:19Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Searching For Truth \*
> \*\*
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > \*Originally posted by Milossarian \*
> > \*\*Soon I will be almost incoherently drunk, telling a police officer I haven’t had a thing to drink, and saying things like, “Man, I didn’t do NUFFIN!” \*\*
>
> Add a cigarette in one hand, an empty beer bottle in the other and a ho in your lap and you’re ready to go.
> \*\*
Oooooh, sounds like a party in a bag 😉
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### Author:  [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/8 "2001-07-23T01:25:20Z")
All real criminals need a sidekick. In this case I’m picturing a chick with a halter top on, fat rolls hanging over the side of her too-short and too-tight shorts (think Mariah Carey here), alternately yelling, “You lousy bastard!That’s the LAST time I let you lay a hand on me!” and (to the cops) “Don’t hurt him!”
Give me some peroxide and I’m your woman.
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### Author:  [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/9 "2001-07-23T01:37:30Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by PunditLisa \*
> \*\*“You lousy bastard!That’s the LAST time I let you lay a hand on me!” and (to the cops) “Don’t hurt him!”
>
> Give me some peroxide and I’m your woman. \*\*
You mean to say, "Don’t hurt him. I love him.
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### Author:  [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/10 "2001-07-23T01:51:30Z")
I think I need a new pair of shorts. These are staying up too well for my new persona.
I need a pair of Marlboro sweatpants with poor elastic at the waist, that I can cut with a dull knife into shorts.
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### Author:  [@NutWrench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NutWrench)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/11 "2001-07-23T02:05:56Z")
Re: Qualification for COPS tv show
Make sure not to shave for at least a couple of days and have your hair tied back in a greasy ponytail or get a mullet. Have absolutely NO idea what’s going on when the cops arrive at your door.
–Nut
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### Author:  [@GraceTX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GraceTX)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/12 "2001-07-23T02:11:45Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Dragwyr \*
> You mean to say, "Don’t hurt him. I love him. \*\*
I thought it was “That’s my baby’s daddy.”
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### Author:  [@Searching\_For\_Truth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Searching_For_Truth)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/13 "2001-07-23T02:18:05Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Lady Juliet \*
> \*\*
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > \*Originally posted by Searching For Truth \*
> > \*\*
> >
> > > [@](#):
> > >
> > > \*Originally posted by Milossarian \*
> > > \*\*Soon I will be almost incoherently drunk, telling a police officer I haven’t had a thing to drink, and saying things like, “Man, I didn’t do NUFFIN!” \*\*
> >
> > Add a cigarette in one hand, an empty beer bottle in the other and a ho in your lap and you’re ready to go.
> > \*\*
>
> Oooooh, sounds like a party in a bag 😉
> \*\*
Am I invited? And if you got your fat stick-up-for-ya-bitch, you got to have a mistress. One of those long, skinny ones with dark messy hair and way-too-dark lipstick. Too much eyeliner and not enough loving. Kmart jeans and trashy underwear.
Can I do it?
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### Author:  [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)
#### Post date: [July 23, 2001, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-will-soon-be-turning-to-a-life-of-crime/73481/14 "2001-07-23T05:54:47Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Grace \*
> \*\*
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > \*Originally posted by Dragwyr \*
> > You mean to say, "Don’t hurt him. I love him. \*\*
>
> I thought it was “That’s my baby’s daddy.” \*\*
“…I think.”