# I wish I had a tail! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** trump\ **Created:** [August 29, 2026, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671 "2026-08-29T14:33:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/1 "2026-08-29T14:33:03Z")
I wish I had a tail! Well, not just me. That’d be weird. I wish **people** had tails! Young women would have big bushy ones. Adults would envy their lushness. Celebrities would have memorable ones. Weird “freaks” would pierce theirs! Rebellious teens would dye theirs weird colors. The military would make you trim yours to a tight uniform length. Black dudes would braid theirs. White dudes who sold drugs would do the same. Old people would complain how teenage boys didn’t groom theirs like they did “back in my day” Some old men would have hairless ones, but the ones in denial would try to use a few long strands to cover it up. Respectable old ladies would have theirs crafted into a bun. If i had a tail, I’d wag it when i was happy! Teenage boys would get embarrassed when their tail would wag in front of a cute girl. Teenage girls would worry whether theirs had the right amount of curve. Dolly Parton’s would have been so lush it curled over her head; lots of jokes about that one. And she’d always keep it sequined. Trump, of course, would have a ridiculous one. Tails…humans really lost out when ours went away. Just imagine the possibilities! > **[How Humans Lost Their Tails](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-humans-lost-their-tails/)** > > A newly discovered genetic mechanism helped eliminate the tails of human ancestors ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/2 "2026-08-29T14:46:58Z")
Bayliss the tailless approves this thread. 😄 ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/3 "2026-08-29T14:52:40Z")
I actually have one 😆! “Schwanz” is the German colloquial term for “penis” ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/4 "2026-08-29T14:54:36Z")
That’s not a bulldog in your avatar. :flees: ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/5 "2026-08-29T14:55:55Z")
Depends on what sort of tail you’re envisioning. I’d think that, if we did have tails, they’d be monkeylike, but your talk of braiding sounds more like a horse. ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/6 "2026-08-29T15:00:15Z")
Sounds more like a doggy tail to me: it waggles when you’re excited and you can groom it, and some breeds like setters and retrievers have long hair on their tails. ---
**Author:** ![Maserschmidt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/maserschmidt/32/18829_2.png) [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/7 "2026-08-29T15:12:17Z")
There’s a fun X-Files episode that features people with tails. [Small Potatoes (The X-Files) - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Small_Potatoes_(The_X-Files)) ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/8 "2026-08-29T16:42:08Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > Depends on what sort of tail you’re envisioning. > [@EinsteinsHund](#): > > Sounds more like a doggy tail to me Yeah. Or this. [![](https://i.ibb.co/pjC63BnD/IMG-2300.jpg) ](https://i.ibb.co/pjC63BnD/IMG-2300.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/9 "2026-08-29T16:46:56Z")
I’ll take a skunk tail, please. People will get out of my way quicker. ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/10 "2026-08-29T16:47:37Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > Yeah. Or this. Ok, you give the North-American squirrel, but I’ll raise the European, red one. Now that is a tail! [![](https://thumb.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/02/Eichh%C3%B6rnchen_D%C3%BCsseldorf_Hofgarten_edit.jpg/1280px-Eichh%C3%B6rnchen_D%C3%BCsseldorf_Hofgarten_edit.jpg?utm_source=de.wikipedia.org&utm_campaign=imageinfo&utm_content=thumbnail) ](https://thumb.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/02/Eichh%C3%B6rnchen_D%C3%BCsseldorf_Hofgarten_edit.jpg/1280px-Eichh%C3%B6rnchen_D%C3%BCsseldorf_Hofgarten_edit.jpg?utm_source=de.wikipedia.org&utm_campaign=imageinfo&utm_content=thumbnail) ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/11 "2026-08-29T16:58:18Z")
What did you think “penis” literally meant in Latin?? Now, I have never seen it, but apparently it has been known for some humans to be born with a vestigial tail. It is not as exciting as one might hope, unfortunately, and is removed surgically. ---
**Author:** ![Ike\_Witt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ike_witt/32/283_2.png) [@Ike\_Witt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ike_Witt)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/12 "2026-08-29T17:04:08Z")
I always tell happy dogs that if I had a tail it would be wagging. ---
**Author:** ![Pardel-Lux](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pardel-lux/32/20182_2.png) [@Pardel-Lux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pardel-Lux)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/13 "2026-08-29T17:17:20Z")
I wouldn’t mind a tail, as long (ha!) as it is prehensile. ETA: I fear the **[marsupilami](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marsupilami)** is not widely known in the USA. That is a pity. He can do astonishing things with its tail. That`s the kind of tail I would love to have. ---
**Author:** ![JoseB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/joseb/32/1530_2.png) [@JoseB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JoseB)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/14 "2026-08-29T17:24:21Z")
Let loose your furry self! 😉 In my case, I would prefer a cat’s tail. More dignified, in my opinion, and you could see when somebody was angry and/or about to attack! ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/15 "2026-08-29T17:30:00Z")
There could be a town for those mutants with more than one tail. It could be called “A City of Two Tails”. ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/16 "2026-08-29T17:39:33Z")
Go to your room. Now! ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/17 "2026-08-29T18:22:25Z")
> [@JoseB](#): > > In my case, I would prefer a cat’s tail. More dignified, in my opinion And you can hold it up perpendicular, and spread out your whiskers, and cherish your pride. ---
**Author:** ![markn\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@markn\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markn_1)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/18 "2026-08-29T18:34:17Z")
The show _Orphan Black_ had a subplot about a transhumanist group that was into body modification, one of whom had a tail surgically grafted onto his lower back. The fictional technology involved gave the tail nerve endings and blood flow, although not musculature as far as I recall. It was more gross than cool IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/19 "2026-08-29T18:50:26Z")
> [@DPRK](#): > > apparently it has been known for some humans to be born with a vestigial tail. It is not as exciting as one might hope It’s basically a nub, from what I read. Think “hamster.” ---
**Author:** ![Frodo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frodo/32/302_2.png) [@Frodo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frodo)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/20 "2026-08-29T18:58:39Z")
A couple of weeks ago I fell with all my weight over the colored part in that image… it still hurts like the devil. (I was betrayed my office chair) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671.md?page=2)