# I wish I had a tail! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Tags:** trump\ **Created:** [August 29, 2026, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671 "2026-08-29T14:33:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2026, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/21 "2026-08-29T19:29:39Z")
I just can’t see any use I’d have for a tail. If it were long enough, it could help with balance, but it’d probably just get stepped on. Plus, all my pants would have to be altered. And it would make playing poker harder because it would wag if I had a good hand. And I’ve never seen my dogs or cats use theirs for anything practical, either. My tail-less Manx cat had no disadvantages vis à vis his tailed housemates. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/22 "2026-08-30T01:53:54Z")
Bayliss doesn’t lament his taillessness as far as I can _tail._ He did bite a cat tail once and quickly learned a lesson. I thought about ordering him a funny tail for Halloween til I figured out how they are worn. Yeah, no…not doing that today. 🫣 ---
**Author:** ![markn\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f9ae1b/32.png) [@markn\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/markn_1)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/23 "2026-08-30T05:08:07Z")
My rats do use their tails for functional purposes. They whip them around to keep their balance, similar to the way humans use outstretched arms when balancing. They also brace them against fixed objects when they’re reaching for something or standing on their hind legs. It would take substantial musculature for a human tail to serve such purposes though. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/24 "2026-08-30T06:47:16Z")
I was late to this thread; I only joined the tail. ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/25 "2026-08-30T07:30:15Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > Yeah. Or this. > > [https://i.ibb.co/pjC63BnD/IMG-2300.jpg](https://i.ibb.co/pjC63BnD/IMG-2300.jpg) Evolution and adaptation are amazing things. Squirrels are rodents, but the creatures we normally think of as rodents – rats and mice – have hairless tails. It’s fascinating that squirrels developed such lush furry tails. According to Google, they serve multiple purposes – balance and aerodynamics, a cozy blanket in winter cold, predator deterrence, and communication. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/26 "2026-08-30T07:47:51Z")
> [@Chronos](#): > > And you can hold it up perpendicular, and spread out your whiskers, and cherish your pride. Sure, but what’s the poster’s thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name? His ineffable, effable, Effaneffible, Deep and inscrutable singular Name? (Aside: Nice one!) ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/27 "2026-08-30T08:31:33Z")
> [@Pardel-Lux](#): > > I wouldn’t mind a tail, as long (ha!) as it is prehensile. At a minimum, women should get to grow one when we have a child. It would solve a lot of problems to have a nice long tail that could wrap around a little one and keep them safe while you deal with a boiling pot or carrying groceries. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/28 "2026-08-30T12:20:18Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > all my pants would have to be altered I’m not suggesting that people would one day wake up and find they had grown tails. That’d be weird. I’m saying that I wish that people had never _lost_ their tails. I’m assuming that fashion designers would have kept up, and your pants would _already_ come with a tail hole. Although, women would surely get frustrated with the size variance between brands. Do I need a small? Or a medium? You never know! Do you think people would be self conscious about needing a big tail hole? Is it something you find at the big and tall store? Or maybe it’s like “girth” - guys are always exaggerating just how big their tail is! > [@needscoffee](#): > > And it would make playing poker harder because it would wag if I had a good hand. Makes you wonder why dogs play poker. I’m starting to suspect that the painting isn’t true to life. [![](https://i.ibb.co/N64s37Hn/IMG-2301.webp) ](https://i.ibb.co/N64s37Hn/IMG-2301.webp) > [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I thought about ordering him a funny tail for Halloween til I figured out how they are worn. Yeah, no…not doing that today. Wait…how are they worn?! My mind has gone to a **dark** place! > [@markn\_1](#): > > It would take substantial musculature for a human tail to serve such purposes though. Tail workouts would be a thing! Big beefy guys on the internet lifting serous weight with just their tail! And there’d be a Dope thread all about the health benefits of doing regular tail lifts. > [@wolfpup](#): > > According to Google, they serve multiple purposes – balance and aerodynamics, a cozy blanket in winter cold, predator deterrence, and communication. Hence my lament. We are missing out on so much! ---
**Author:** ![xtenkfarpl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c2a13f/32.png) [@xtenkfarpl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xtenkfarpl)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 12:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/29 "2026-08-30T12:36:17Z")
A prehensile one would be useful. Handy for those tricky soldering jobs where you have to get the iron, the solder and the workpieces together… ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 12:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/30 "2026-08-30T12:53:15Z")
> [@xtenkfarpl](#): > > A prehensile one would be useful. We’d have to deal with thieves, though. “Be careful walking through those touristy places in Paris,” we’d have to warn, “The local who stops to talk with you may be picking your pocket with his tail while he explains to you how to get to the Louvre.” ---
**Author:** ![gregorio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/fbc32d/32.png) [@gregorio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gregorio)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/31 "2026-08-30T22:49:16Z")
> I wish I had a long, long tail. > > Someday I will. I hope. > > And then I’ll show the kids in town > > new ways to jump a rope! > > . . . > > BUT . . . > > If I had a long, long tail, > > I know that Big Bill Brown > > would tie me in a tree! > > He would! > > Then how would I get down? > > I don’t think that I would like it > > with my tail tied in a tree. > > The more I think about it . . . NO! > > No long, long tail for me. [https://fliphtml5.com/navzq/yowl/I\_wish\_I\_had\_duck\_feet/](https://fliphtml5.com/navzq/yowl/I_wish_I_had_duck_feet/) ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/32 "2026-08-30T22:59:29Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > Makes you wonder why dogs play poker. I’m starting to suspect that the painting isn’t true to life. No, the painting is mostly accurate, except that very few dogs smoke pipes. Many English bulldogs, however, are partial to cigars, which they feel gives them a dignified Churchillian look. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2026, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/33 "2026-08-30T23:04:13Z")
Somebody’s gonna have to redesign the Shitter! ---
**Author:** ![smithsb](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smithsb/32/12107_2.png) [@smithsb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smithsb)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2026, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/34 "2026-08-31T01:30:17Z")
As many times as I’d crack my tailbone on the hockey rink, something fluffy functioning as a pad would have been welcome. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2026, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/35 "2026-08-31T11:20:50Z")
You should read humorist H. Allen Smith’s **The Age of the Tail** (1956), which looks at the way civilization would change if people had prehensile tails. [https://www.ebay.com/itm/297704122307](https://www.ebay.com/itm/297704122307) Or you could watch these documentaries: > **[When Women Had Tails](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_Women_Had_Tails)** > > When Women Had Tails (Italian: Quando le Donne Avevano la Coda) is a 1970 Italian comedy film. Set in pre-historic times when “women had tails” and were hunted by cavemen, the film stars Giuliano Gemma, Senta Berger, and Lando Buzzanca. It was followed by When Women Lost Their Tails in 1972. Seven orphan cavemen grow up on a little island all by themselves. After a fire burns all the vegetation, they set out to find a new place to live. One day they trap a strange animal, looking very similar to ... > **[When Women Lost Their Tails](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/When_Women_Lost_Their_Tails)** > > When Women Lost Their Tails (Italian: Quando le donne persero la coda) is a 1972 Italian fantasy-comedy film directed by Pasquale Festa Campanile. It is the sequel of When Women Had Tails. > This article related to an Italian comedy film of the 1970s is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by adding missing information. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2026, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/36 "2026-08-31T18:48:40Z")
There’d be a movie trope about the _slow sarcastic wag_ Some people would insist they “prefer nubbins”. Others would insist that they have a fetish. Tail transplants would surely be a thing. Consider being a tail donor they next time you renew your drivers license. Do you think catching your own tail would be taboo (like masturbating), considered an athletic feat (like dunking a basketball), or something juvenile (like spinning in circles)? Babies would surely chew their tail. Very nervous people might adopt the habit, too. We’d have figures of speech like “I fell head over tail for her” and “stop wagging my tail” and “let’s high tail it out of here” There’d be a Dope thread titled “If evolution was true, shouldn’t we have lost our tails by now?” ---
**Author:** ![Lucas\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lucas_jackson/32/303_2.png) [@Lucas\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucas_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2026, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671/37 "2026-08-31T18:58:31Z")
Interesting note about tails (says AI) > [@](#): > > The Genetic Mutation > > - **The “Jumping Gene”:** A small piece of DNA called an **Alu element** randomly inserted itself into a gene called **TBXT** , which controls tail growth in vertebrates. > - **Disrupted Splicing:** This insertion interfered with how the gene was processed during embryonic development, stopping the tail from forming. > - **Sudden Change:** Instead of tails slowly shrinking over millions of years, this mutation likely caused an early ape ancestor to be born tailless “all at once”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-i-had-a-tail/1032671.md?page=1)