# I Wish to Challenge Horatio Hornblower to a Duel **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 25, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469 "2005-05-25T18:54:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/1 "2005-05-25T18:54:24Z")
Across the street from me is a house apparently populated by college kids (I’ve never seen anyone over the age of 17 enter or exit) with no driver’s lisences. Every day (and night), at all hours, cars pull up in the middle of the street (and right under my bedroom window) and **HONK** their horns till someone finally comes out for their ride. Different cars, different riders, but always _that_ house. Pisses the hell out of everyone within a three-block radius. I’ve already tried: • Leaving _polite_ notes in their mailbox asking them to please meet their rides outside or ask their rides to _get out of the car and ring the doorbell_. • One time I was walking to the train when it happened and I knocked on the car window and asked the middle-aged driver to please not blast her horn at 7:00 a.m. in a residential neighborhood. She said, “oh, I’m sorry!” and rolled up her window. • Leaning out of my window and shrieking like Bette Davis in _Hush . . . Hush, Sweet Charlotte_: “ **Git off mah propitty—DAY-UM YEW!** ” As tempting as arson and shoulder-mounted missiles are, my only other real option is to call the local police—does anyone think I should even bother? Can I file a general complaint against the whole house? I can’t call at 2:00 a.m. and say, “There’s another car honking its horn,” because by the time the cops showed up (if they even bothered), that particular offender would be gone. Any suggestions—that would _not_ escalate into a fullscale Hatfields & McCoys feud? ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/2 "2005-05-25T19:14:25Z")
If I recall correctly, Charlotte Mayhew resorted to a meat cleaver and a .32 caliber revolver and had a very acceptable outcome. Why mess with success? Or, why not just call Olivia de Havilland and ask her. Surely she’d know. Too bad you can’t ask Joseph Cotten. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/3 "2005-05-25T19:28:48Z")
Assuming that it’s a rental with a bunch of college kids, any chance you could get in touch with their landlord? This is the kind of thing that they’re supposed to be not happy about. Calling the cops is also a reasonable thing. Water balloons might be fun, too. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ea5d25/32.png) [@Happy\_Scrappy\_Hero\_Pup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Scrappy_Hero_Pup)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/4 "2005-05-25T19:35:46Z")
Nonlethal surprise/embarassment/lingering fear is the attitude you wish to instill in these most ungentlemanly of callers… [For such purposes, Mister Bad Manners recommends one of these.](http://www.specopspaintball.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=587) It’ll even go with a little black dress and pumps. But you’ll have to accessorize in brushed gunmetal. I hope that’s not a problem. After all, a lady is prepared for whatever the night (or, in this case, early morning) sees fit to send in her direction. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/5 "2005-05-25T19:39:28Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > Nonlethal surprise/embarassment/lingering fear is the attitude you wish to instill in these most ungentlemanly of callers… > [For such purposes, Mister Bad Manners recommends one of these.](http://www.specopspaintball.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=587) > > It’ll even go with a little black dress and pumps. That does look hugely tempting, and I do have a pair of gunmetal-gray Charles Jourdan suede pumps . . . But we’d really be getting into Hatfield & McCoy territory of we brought in even faux firearms, I fear. As far as their landlord, I wouldn’t begin to know how to contact him or her. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/6 "2005-05-25T19:52:20Z")
I feel your pain, **Eve**. When I was in law school I lived in student housing, an apartment complex mostly filled up with young undergrads. About twice a week, on weeknights, at around 2:30-3:00 am right after the clubs closed, I would be jolted awake by dozens of cars driving around in a circle and blaring their horns through the complex while all the guys did the “who let the dogs out” barking noise and the girls did this high pitched “ooooooOOOUUUTooooooOOOOOUUUT” thing, everyone apparently drunk as hell or otherwise temporarily insane. It was the most maddening, inconsiderate crap imaginable. ---
**Author:** ![Papermache\_Prince](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f05b48/32.png) [@Papermache\_Prince](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Papermache_Prince)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/7 "2005-05-25T19:53:22Z")
“Honking your horn - how nice to see that you’re carrying on the old traditions. Why my grandfather used to honk his horn for grandmother when they were a’-courtin’. I’m glad you’re not using one of them new-fangled cell phones, which seem to be so popular with the hip crowd.” ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/8 "2005-05-25T20:04:57Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > That does look hugely tempting, and I do have a pair of gunmetal-gray Charles Jourdan suede pumps . . . But we’d really be getting into Hatfield & McCoy territory of we brought in even faux firearms, I fear. How about a slingshot and some ice cubes? ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/9 "2005-05-25T20:08:08Z")
Next time somebody honks, you could go down and get in the car and ask for a ride somewhere. “Well, you honked your horn, and everybody on the block heard it; it only seems reasonable that you’re here to give people rides. I’d like to go to the library.” ---
**Author:** ![Cemetery\_Savior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Cemetery\_Savior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cemetery_Savior)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/10 "2005-05-25T20:10:33Z")
How about one of those plastic pumpkins with the scary recordings (Wooo-hoooo!..cackle!)? Not coincidentally, I have one to sell. It’s stuck on “Woooo”…goes through a lot of batteries. Maybe call the landlord (as Ehtelrist suggested), or possibly call 311 (if you have a 311, which is non-emergency complaints in Chicago)? By the way (shameless flattery hijack coming), my wife loves you as an auteur. I think she liked the Harlow one best (unless I’m misremembering). 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![MysteryFellow63427](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e4f/32.png) [@MysteryFellow63427](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysteryFellow63427)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/11 "2005-05-25T20:13:25Z")
> [@Happy Scrappy Hero Pup](#): > > [For such purposes, Mister Bad Manners recommends one of these.](http://www.specopspaintball.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=587) I think you and I may have been separated at birth. Anyway **Eve** , since the Snipotron 9000 isn’t what you want, may I recommend that you try the incredible edible egg? You can soft boil them first so they won’t make quite as big a mess, and it should get the point across. ---
**Author:** ![Cemetery\_Savior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Cemetery\_Savior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cemetery_Savior)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/12 "2005-05-25T20:21:15Z")
> [@neuroman](#): > > …may I recommend that you try the incredible edible egg? You can soft boil them first so they won’t make quite as big a mess, and it should get the point across. And even more pointy if you were to let them sit in the sun for a few days first. Overripe oranges maintain their shape very well when thrown, and give the opportunity for Vitamin-C laced enjoyment! ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Hey\_It\_s\_That\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_It_s_That_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/13 "2005-05-25T20:21:30Z")
Or why go for water balloons when you can arm yourself with maple syrup balloons? ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/14 "2005-05-25T20:23:09Z")
> [@Cemetery Savior](#): > > . . . or possibly call 311 (if you have a 311, which is non-emergency complaints in Chicago)? > > By the way (shameless flattery hijack coming), my wife loves you as an auteur. I think she liked the Harlow one best (unless I’m misremembering). 🙂 Hmm, that’s a thought—they can probably _hear_ the car horns in Chicago . . . (Glad your wife likes my stuff—tell her there’s another one coming out in aught-seven, if the fates are with me) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/15 "2005-05-25T20:25:11Z")
> [@Lute Skywatcher](#): > > How about a slingshot and some ice cubes? Hmmm, the evidence _would_ melt . . . or I could go down and beat them to death with a leg of lamb, and then serve it to the cops . . . ---
**Author:** ![5que](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/3bc359/32.png) [@5que](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5que)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/16 "2005-05-25T20:26:01Z")
Drop a dime to the local Crimestoppers number and report it as a crack house. Well, they are wearing those loose pants hanging way down. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/17 "2005-05-25T20:36:25Z")
> [@Lute Skywatcher](#): > > How about a slingshot and some ice cubes? “eggssess, my precioussss…” ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/18 "2005-05-25T21:48:15Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Hmmm, the evidence _would_ melt . . . or I could go down and beat them to death with a leg of lamb, and then serve it to the cops . . . Why Miss Elly, is that you? ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/19 "2005-05-25T22:02:41Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > As far as their landlord, I wouldn’t begin to know how to contact him or her. I take it you have the address of the property, yes? If so, you can look 'em up [here](http://webapps.nyc.gov:8084/CICS/fin1/find001I). Or [here](http://www.searchsystems.net/list.php?nid=402), if you need a broader area to search. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2005, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/20 "2005-05-25T23:11:54Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > I take it you have the address of the property, yes? If so, you can look 'em up [here](http://webapps.nyc.gov:8084/CICS/fin1/find001I). > Or [here](http://www.searchsystems.net/list.php?nid=402), if you need a broader area to search. Wow. Cool. Thanks. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469.md?page=2)