# I Wish to Challenge Horatio Hornblower to a Duel **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 25, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469 "2005-05-25T18:54:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Big\_Norse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/big_norse/32/9954_2.png) [@Big\_Norse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Big_Norse)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2005, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/41 "2005-05-26T22:17:06Z")
> [@Cemetery Savior](#): > > Big\_Norse, if you keep telling people about my calls, I won’t send you your C.O.D. tin-foil hat. C.O.D.?! You think I’d give a suspicious character like yourself my address? You’re one of THEM! I’m on to your tricks, you and your black helicopter flying pals! You’ll never find me! Never! > [@Eve](#): > > Hmmm, that sounds like it might be a plan. I wonder if I should call the Nice Policeman in my neighborhood first and just explain the problem to him in a polite, non-crazy old crank manner and ask his input, too? Definitely, you know how they love to save damsels in distress. Just don’t strain your eyelashes batting those baby blues (or browns, as the case may be) at him! ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/42 "2005-05-27T00:07:30Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Hmmm, that sounds like it might be a plan. I wonder if I should call the Nice Policeman in my neighborhood first and just explain the problem to him in a polite, non-crazy old crank manner and ask his input, too? If you do have a real neighborhood “nice policeman”, then, sure ya, yabetcha. ---
**Author:** ![Cherry2000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cherry2000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cherry2000)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/43 "2005-05-27T04:32:04Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > To make myself more clear- call your County Hall of Records, and ask “I’d like to know who the owner of record is for 1234 Mockingbird lane is, and his address of record. Thank you”. You may have to go downtown (or to the County Seat) and go through Microfiche yourself, or you may get the info on line even. Every State & County is different, but that info is Public. It is possible they won’t release the mailing address; if so- do as i said above- address a certified letter (and a 1st class copy- BOTH) to “I.M. Landlord, 1234 Mockingbird lane”. > > Mention "public nusiance’- there is very likely a Code section you can cite. Record every police call & incident. After a month, mail a copy of the record to the owner, the Police and your City Council person. Rinse, lather, repeat. Much of this information is actually available online. Try looking up your county’s website, and look for links to the clerk and recorder or the assessor or the treasurer, etc. A resourceful scout can ususally find what they need from there 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cemetery\_Savior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Cemetery\_Savior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cemetery_Savior)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/44 "2005-05-27T15:36:04Z")
> [@Big\_Norse](#): > > C.O.D.?! You think I’d give a suspicious character like yourself my address? You’re one of THEM! I’m on to your tricks, you and your black helicopter flying pals! You’ll never find me! Never! Please…like we don’t know where you live…you’re in our DIB (Database In Black). Traffic 'copters…nope! ---
**Author:** ![chappachula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/45 "2005-05-27T17:50:12Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Pisses the hell out of everyone within a three-block radius. if you have enough irate neighbors, why not try organizing them? If enough people complain about a public nuisance, it may draw legitimate attention from the police. And it may not be unreasonable to hint at possible criminal activity–a large number of vehicles at all hours may not be just friends dropping by. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/46 "2005-05-27T18:09:14Z")
> [@chappachula](#): > > if you have enough irate neighbors, why not try organizing them? If enough people complain about a public nuisance, it may draw legitimate attention from the police. Nah . . . There’s a saying: “Everyone complains about [_horn honking/cell phones/Chinese food menus/loud music_], but only **Eve** ’s a pushy, obnoxious enough bitch to do anything about it.” ---
**Author:** ![Greywolf73](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d9b06d/32.png) [@Greywolf73](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greywolf73)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/47 "2005-05-27T18:30:10Z")
Dropping sublte hints of complete insanity might work in this case: “I’ve been hearing your friends honking their horns at all hours of the night. Reminds me so much of those sweet youngsters that lived here before you…their friends would honk their horns at all hours too…kept me up late…made me really grumpy…tried to reason with them but they just wouldn’t listen. THEY JUST WOULDN’T LISTEN…and the honking just wouldn’t stop…Pity what happened to that young couple–they died so young, such a tragedy. You know, I’m not even sure they ever found all the body parts. They were scattered everywhere-investigators said it looked like someone had just gone into a homicidal rage. But that’s all in the past, dear, I’m sure we’ll get along juuuust fine. And I’m sure that new paint job in your living room covers up all those bloodstains too…hey,where are you going? Don’t you want to come in for a cup of coffee?” ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/48 "2005-05-27T18:41:22Z")
Wow, Henrietta Hornblower stopped by my condo complex yesterday. Only she was mad at a couple staying in one of the condos. She expressed this by laying on her horn for several seconds at a time. After returning with my dog to my condo and being sick of it, I went to confront Henrietta, only to find the folks at the condo having an arguement with her. She’s sitting in her car, yelling and honking the horn. The other lady is yelling back from her little backyard and occassionally throwing stuff at her car. The guy is yelling but moving between the back yard and the passanger side door. And Henrietta keeps shouting, “You gonna haf to cawl the po-lice”. Well, well, well. I followed Henrietta’s instructions to the T. And lo, the local law enforcement showed up and the honking went away. It was the first time I’ve ever called 911. I was rather pleased with their response. One less horn blower. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/49 "2005-05-27T18:49:07Z")
> [@kidchameleon](#): > > I was rather pleased with their response. One less horn blower. Really? They _shot_ her? OK, I gotta call 911. ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/50 "2005-05-27T18:54:02Z")
> [@Eve](#): > > Really? They _shot_ her? OK, I gotta call 911. Nah, gun shots are loud. The squishy sound of a baton impacting the flesh is much more muted. :eek: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2005, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/51 "2005-05-27T19:28:08Z")
**Eve** –E-mail me if you want to find out the owner of that house. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2005, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/52 "2005-05-28T02:16:23Z")
> [@neuroman](#): > > You can soft boil them first so they won’t make quite as big a mess My, that’s elegant. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2005, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/53 "2005-05-29T21:27:57Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Yet, on the other hand, when I wore a magenta satin g-string, silver cowboy boots, crossed bandoliers of tampons, and a lot of eye make-up, I had their undivided attention. Gosh, I miss mom. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2005, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/54 "2005-05-29T21:55:05Z")
I believe Hornblower used to deal with this kind of nuisence by either[ul] [li]Sneaking into harbor with a cutter full of Tars and cutting the anchor lines, or[/li][li]Setting an expendable prize vessel alight and sending it sailing into the anchorage.[/li][/ul]I only recall Lord Hornblower getting into one duel (very early in his career), and that one abortive. While he was generally a forthright chap he didn’t go much for the idiocy that passed for honor among the British Navy. As for your situation, I think a persistent communication to the authorities is in order. Else, you might head down to the local olive oil importers and see what they can do for you, but from what I can tell they’ve been on the decline over the past couple of decades and no longer respond to these kinds of problems as they are portrayed in film. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bb73d2/32.png) [@Dark\_Side\_of\_the\_Floyd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dark_Side_of_the_Floyd)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2005, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/55 "2005-05-30T16:15:05Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Gosh, I miss mom. :shudders: ---
**Author:** ![UnwrittenNocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/6de8d8/32.png) [@UnwrittenNocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UnwrittenNocturne)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2005, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469/56 "2005-05-30T19:00:05Z")
Water balloons. Filled with brake fluid. It removes paint rather well. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-wish-to-challenge-horatio-hornblower-to-a-duel/305469.md?page=2)