# I worry that my son has no love life. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 13, 2019, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079 "2019-03-13T16:36:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/21 "2019-03-14T03:21:50Z")
Grrr…do please keep sharing. I’ve got a 14 year old maybe in the middle of the spectrum. Trying to understand what’s going on in her mind is tough. Even more so as to attractions/dating, etc ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/22 "2019-03-14T03:51:08Z")
> [@EmilyG](#): > > I’m also not sure what “moderately autistic” means. “Functional” enough to graduate from high school? :dubious: I’m not sure how better to articulate it. There are some autistic folks who will never be able to live with out supervision, and there are some autistic folks who go on to write best selling novels. My son lands somewhere in between those two. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > Do you know his sexual orientation? My gf’s brother is autistic and he too only had one gf in his teen years and then nothing. For years. Until it was discovered that he was having sexual relationships with older men. Just a shared anecdote. Yes, he uses my laptop a lot. I’ve seen his browsing history. Didn’t WANT to see it [shivers], but it happened. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/23 "2019-03-14T04:29:59Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Well, a while back ago, I overheard a conversation he was having with a buddy of his on the phone. The topic of conversation was (as far as I can gather) was “how to properly treat a lady” with my son saying things like: “you have to open the car door for them when you go out on a date” > > So I assume the desire is there. I wouldn’t assume that. It sounds like he was coaching his buddy. > [@wguy123](#): > > Have you ever asked him about this? Seems like he could answer some of these questions without the guessing. I would just ask him. Is he interested in dating? Flat out, just like that. If he is, then you can take it further and talk about ways he can meet people. If no, then just leave it be. My son is also on the spectrum. We’ve had this conversation. He’s just not interested. I’ll ask again some day and we’ll see what happens. I want what makes him happy. At least for now, dating isn’t it. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/24 "2019-03-14T04:58:21Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I’m not sure how better to articulate it. There are some autistic folks who will never be able to live with out supervision, and there are some autistic folks who go on to write best selling novels. My son lands somewhere in between those two. > > Yes, he uses my laptop a lot. I’ve seen his browsing history. Didn’t WANT to see it [shivers], but it happened. I would tread very carefully when trying to ascertain a persons sexual orientation using only their documented porn viewing habits as the sole qualifier. I think using that method would frequently lead to hilariously wrong answers. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/25 "2019-03-14T06:11:43Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I would tread very carefully when trying to ascertain a persons sexual orientation using only their documented porn viewing habits as the sole qualifier. I think using that method would frequently lead to hilariously wrong answers. I also have other factors that lead me to believe he is not gay. Most parents just know. Just like I suspect most parents already knew their child was gay before they officially came out. I suspect there are very few parent who were shocked or didn’t at least suspect their child was gay before they came out. I don’t think his sexual orientation is the issue here. ---
**Author:** ![BobBitchin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ea924/32.png) [@BobBitchin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobBitchin)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 6:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/26 "2019-03-14T06:14:40Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I would tread very carefully when trying to ascertain a persons sexual orientation using only their documented porn viewing habits as the sole qualifier. I think using that method would frequently lead to hilariously wrong answers. I can attest to this.:eek: Just before I met Mrs Bitchin’ I had a group of 4-5 male friend. We worked at the same place, and hung out at my house. I had a wall of old monitors, all the guys brought their computers, we would game/surf, watch tv constantly. It was GUY central. Being a bunch of overgrown 12 year olds, we would troll each other as much as possible. The favorite joke was to send the most offensive porn to each other.:eek: So that meant to send weird porn, I had to search weird porn.:smack: That could have been a very awkward discussion…“No baby, I’m not into that, I know pig and elephant DNA just won’t splice” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/27 "2019-03-14T12:13:14Z")
He’s 21, have you two ever gone out for beers? My son is 25. I flew down to Florida to attend his wedding a few months ago. We were running some errands together and stopped for a beer. The bartender was “flirting” with both of us in an obvious effort to bolster her tip. It was hilarious. He’s getting married the next day and I’m in a committed, long-term relationship, but we were arguing over who she was flirting with.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Periwinkle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Periwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Periwinkle)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/28 "2019-03-14T16:32:05Z")
I think doing things that might help him expand his friend group wouldn’t be inappropriate meddling. Church attendance might be totally off the table for either or both of you but if it’s not, churches can provide an active social community. Getting involved in certain kinds of volunteer work can be a way to make friends. Or become regulars at trivia night at the local watering hole. Or the gym or athletic club. Or becoming active in special interest groups like hiking or photography clubs. If any of those things appeal as things you might want to invite him to do with you, it might be a way for you to help him meet people without being overbearing. I wouldn’t make it about meeting girls but about making new friends. And of course that could lead to girlfriends if he’s interested. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/29 "2019-03-14T17:55:29Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I’m not sure how better to articulate it. There are some autistic folks who will never be able to live with out supervision, and there are some autistic folks who go on to write best selling novels. My son lands somewhere in between those two. Oh, okay. I think I’m somewhat that way myself. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/30 "2019-03-14T18:04:48Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > But since then NOTHING. Which is OK, but I just worry. I want the best for my son like most parents want for their kids. I want him to experience love and relationships like most of us do (and yeah, maybe become a bit of a cynic because of it like a lot of us do as well. lol) 21 is nothing. Quite common for people to not have a love life until past 21. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/31 "2019-03-14T18:44:37Z")
OP, love ya, but it’s not your business. My boy is 20. He has been severely bipolar his entire life and it was the root of some pretty intensely bad social drama throughout his school years. He’s never had a girlfriend as far as I’ve known, and we’re pretty close. He knows about bipolar disorder having a strong genetic component (especially in our family) and he’s vowed to never put a child through anything like what he and I have gone through. So from his perspective, experience has taught him people are not to be trusted and kids are not a responsible choice for him. So what’s he want with girls? They’ll just eviscerate him first chance they get, or even worse, get a bipolar baby out of him. I’m thinking his attitude will change after a few years, but for now I think he’s right. He’s still got a way to go to recover from high school, he’s still got to get his frontal lobes online, and he’s got a career to work out. Just like I did, he might meet Ms. Right simply by accident. Until then, there are thousands of Ms. Wrongs just looking for someone like him to use and abuse (like his mother did with me), and I’d rather see him be his own man than go through that. My youngest daughter is still 18 & still single, but…well, I just pity any man dumb enough to cross her. She’ll be alright. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/32 "2019-03-14T18:44:56Z")
I work with young people about your son’s age in an undisclosed program. So I am not talking out my ass. You should try to remember that the rate at which people age is somewhat delayed from when you grew up. 21 is still quite young now, even without any development or other issues. I got married (the first time) before I could even buy beer. And that was quite common 40 years ago. It seems unthinkable now. The important thing is to not let your concern become a new expectation for him to meet. If he seems to be doing fine, let him do fine at his own pace. Think about ways that you two could occasionally do something that will get you both out in the world to do things. Not things for the purpose of meeting people, just things of interest that might be fun. Maybe there is some event that _you_ might want to attend and he might meet other, real people with interests similar to his own. Meeting people is usually an accident rather than a planned event. Keep that in mind and do not push him into events that are obviously for the purpose of meeting people. The internet seems very public like you are interacting with a great number of people but in reality you are alone and it can be very isolating. Just getting out in the real world and interacting with people, doesn’t matter what the event, will expose him to more people who he might have common interests with. ---
**Author:** ![HeiLo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c77e96/32.png) [@HeiLo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeiLo)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/33 "2019-03-14T21:58:43Z")
> [@Two\_Many\_Cats](#): > > If he isn’t complaining about being lonely, I wouldn’t worry about it. A very empathic no to that. It’s very well possible that the last thing he would do is to talk to his parents about that. It seems he hasn’t talked to them so far. ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2019, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079/34 "2019-03-14T23:46:49Z")
> [@HeiLo](#): > > A very empathic no to that. It’s very well possible that the last thing he would do is to talk to his parents about that. It seems he hasn’t talked to them so far. True. I certainly didn’t complain about it to mine, although it was clear that I was severely depressed. I complained vociferously to my friends, though. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/i-worry-that-my-son-has-no-love-life/831079.md?page=1)